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I think I'm in love with my best friend, we're both girls


thatonegirl98

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I've never really labeled myself as 'gay' or 'lesbian' or 'bisexual'. My faith is against it, actually. I can't help what they believe, but I don't believe that God would punish people who love. To protect myself from others who don't think so, I've said that I'm straight. This post is going to sound completely ironic, as the best friend whom I think I may be in love with, is kind of a homophobe. Well, she's never actually said that, but she's hinted that "gay people freak her out". I know that's wrong of her. I don't know what I can say to convince her otherwise.

 

Anyways, last spring, I started..feeling attracted to her. We've been best friends since she was born (I'm 15 and she's almost 14, I know..this sounds weird, but please hear me out.). We were basically joined at the hip as children and still are extremely close. We used to play this game where we'd close our eyes, pucker out lips, and see how close we could get to kissing each other (she brought it up awhile ago, and I still don't know why or why we even did it in the first place.) When I started to feel weird around her and have those thoughts, I freaked out. I didn't know what to do because before that, I'd always assumed that I was completely straight. I found myself wanting to act on my feelings. Whenever she has slept over or vice versa we've always shared a bed. I always just pushed it off as a sisterly thing. In the spring when she slept over, I couldn't sleep. I was extremely aware of her sleeping jus inches away from me. It drove me crazy. I wanted to just touch her, so one night I draped my arm over her. She was asleep, and I quickly retracted my arm when she shifted slightly. The next day, we were tired again so she fell asleep on my bed. I couldn't stop watching her and I felt like a complete weirdo. After all, who's attracted to their younger, girl best friend? I was scaring myself. Then, I couldn't take it anymore. I wrapped my arms around her and held her. I was so nervous and shaky. I buried my face in her hair and kissed the top of her head. Just as I was about to drift off, she stirred and woke up. She was confused and asked what I was doing. I blamed it on being cold, as I was panicking. I didn't let go, though. She then commented that it felt nice and it was like having a blanket wrapped around her. I relaxed until the subject came up that she didn't know what to do with her hands. Feeling bold, I laced our fingers together. She laughed it off, nervously though.

 

. A few weeks later, I tried again to hold her when she slept over. She pushed me away and suddenly she told me had problems with people getting too close to her or touching her. That wasn't the case a few weeks ago, but I let it go and just nodded. After that, I noticed her hostility towards gay people. She started to say that they freaked her out and stuff. I didn't really say anything when she'd talk about that stuff. I pushed my growing feelings for her into a dusty old closet in my mind and locked it up. This couldn't happen, I kept telling myself.

 

. In the summer, I started wearing makeup sometimes and my hair down more (I usually has it in a ponytail). The first time she saw me like that, she looked kind of surprised and commented that I looked pretty. It was awkward, considering she'd only said that to me once or twice before and I wasn't used to her complimenting me. A while later, near my 15th birthday, late in the summer of the same year, the feelings arose again. We'd gone shopping together the day before and I invited her to eat with my family on my birthday. While shopping, she just kind of came in the changing room I was in and gave opinions. I hadn't really asked her to come in, but I didn't think of asking her to leave. When we went to another store, she asked if I wanted her to come in the changing room with me. Flustered, I just shook my head and went to try clothes on. After that incident, I tried to bottle my feelings up again and nearly succeeded.

 

. I got a boyfriend in the fall, when I started highschool and left her behind at my old middle school. We fell out of contact for the first month of school..until I got my boyfriend. I was so overjoyed that a guy had finally shown interest in me, that I couldn't stop talking about it. I told her and my closest guy friend on a group chat we'd made together. They were happy for me, I guess. My guy friend seemed to like my boyfriend less and less as time progressed and my best friend and I didn't really talk about it. When my boyfriend and I broke up, I went to her for sympathy, but she didn't seem sad for me at all. I was hurt by that, but I didn't say anything.

 

A few months later, I became really sick and had to be hospitalized. When I got out, she was the first to visit me (the hospital was an hour from home so she couldn't come visit as it was during school and visiting hours ended before she could've gotten to me). She said she had been so worried about me (typical friend stuff) and then, the conversation shifted to this guy she really likes. I played the part of the supportive friend, telling her that he would be crazy not to like her (in my opinion, he's already crazy for not making a move..but I'm kind of glad he hasn't). I was really jealous, though. It hurt to hear her talk about him. She said that they danced together at a school dance and I just zoned out after that. That night, she stayed as late as she possibly could (it was a school night) and we were playing a game where we'd place our feet on each other and kind of wrestle with them. We'd played it before, but it felt different when we played it this time. Weird.

 

It was Christmas break the next time she slept over and we stayed in my attic (it's kind of like a mini apartment because my older sisters used to love up there). Although there were two beds, she asked if I'd stay with her. I did and I watched her draw for a while before drifting off (she's an amazing artist). When I woke up, she was putting her drawing stuff away and it was still night. She noticed I was awake and we talked for a couple minutes. Then, she freaked out and said I was too close to her, so I scooted to the far end of the bed. It hurt me that she was comfortable enough to be in the same bed as me, but if I got close, she'd kick at me to get away or yell at me.

 

A week later, she stayed over again. My sisters were home for the break, so we stayed in my bed. In the night, she kept shifting closer to me. I knew she was asleep, but my heart raced everytime she came closer. In the morning, I woke up on my side, with her pressed against my back and her hand on my head. She was still asleep, so I stayed completely still until she flinched and moved away. When she woke up, I told her about it (in a joking way, I said "so, what were you doing, huh?'" And she just kind of laughed it off weirdly). Then, she wanted to build a snowman (it had snowed and we were really bored) so we got some gloves and stuff. I don't remember how the topic came up, but I remember her saying something about 'everyone being a little gay'. I laughed and said 'not me' because I was afraid that she'd push too far into me confessing stuff, even if she was joking. Then she said 'fine, then I am' and I rolled my eyes at her and said 'no you're not' and she laughed and said 'I know'. That's all of the weird moments that have happened between us...

 

I know I'm probably too young to know what love is and I'm probably freaking you out. After all, Who thinks they're in love with their younger, girl best friend? I can't help it, though. I feel so protective over her and I want to kiss her so badly sometimes. Everything she does is great, even if it's hurting me. I don't know what to do, I'm miserable! Any advice?

 

Sorry for basically writing a novel, by the way! xx

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A few weeks later, I tried again to hold her when she slept over. She pushed me away and suddenly she told me had problems with people getting too close to her or touching her.

She is 13 years old. It seems she has made it clear (on more than one occasion) that she doesn't want you touching her and I think you should back off and respect her wishes. You need to take note of her very young age - she is ONLY 13 and it can land you in a lot of trouble. No problem being friends, but stay away from sharing beds and getting all touchy/feely with her. You are both still minors.

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She is 13 years old. It seems she has made it clear (on more than one occasion) that she doesn't want you touching her and I think you should back off and respect her wishes. You need to take note of her very young age - she is ONLY 13 and it can land you in a lot of trouble. No problem being friends, but stay away from sharing beds and getting all touchy/feely with her. You are both still minors.

 

First things first, I completely agree with Capricorn.'

Second, here some resources/documentaries I think you should check out:

 

link removed

"For the Bible Tells Me So" (documentary)

"Fish Out of Water" (documentary)

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I reread this and realized that I'm an idiot. Thank you to the people who replied to help me with this. I really have no idea where I was coming from, I also have no words to defend myself. I realized that being friends with her and strictly friends is the best way to go and anything else would be creepy. Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed I even made this post..I'm so angry at myself for even thinking that way about her. I'm so sorry to people that I've offended or scared, it wasn't my intention...again, I have no idea where I was coming from and I'm an idiot!

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I reread this and realized that I'm an idiot. Thank you to the people who replied to help me with this. I really have no idea where I was coming from, I also have no words to defend myself. I realized that being friends with her and strictly friends is the best way to go and anything else would be creepy. Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed I even made this post..I'm so angry at myself for even thinking that way about her. I'm so sorry to people that I've offended or scared, it wasn't my intention...again, I have no idea where I was coming from and I'm an idiot!

 

You may be going through a lot of things, and you may become a lot of things (especially from 15-21).. but an idiot you are not. You feel the way you do. The emotions and tough choices like this one is an example of the many emotions and choices you are going to face whether you are 15, 25, 35, or 95. So don't let anyone ever tell you you're wrong or dumb or stupid for feeling a certain way or wanting something; especially if it's against "norms."

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First of all, don't feel like an idiot. At your age, it makes perfect sense that you would have these strong feelings, and it's good you are mature enough to know that you have to respect your friend.

 

She is uncomfortable with gays-- are you afraid of losing her if you tell her you're gay? This isn't good for friendships.

 

You should be strive to be honest with your friends, and I think one of these days you should really open up, and just say that you have had feelings for girls before, and see what she says. Think about it, you could help her understand what being lesbian/bisexual/gay is and help her not be so freaked out by it. Since she already accepts you and wants to like you, she's not going to suddenly completely change... but she does have reason to be upset if you hide it forever from her. It's a lose lose situation by you not telling her the truth about your feelings because you will feel uncomfortable and weird around her, and she will feel betrayed once she finds out (possibly). It's not that it has to happen right now. If it's too hard, wait a year; but don't talk to her frequently in that year, because it will make you feel worse.

 

If you do open up sometime soon, like at a sleepover or something, don't back out and say you were joking the moment she says "no you're not" or something like that. I think if you are honest, either she'll accept you and still be friends, or maybe she'll open up to you about something also. I don't really think the feelings she has for you are mutual simply because of the touching thing, and I think it is always kind of hard when one friend wants to become more than friends so keep that in mind and don't get your hopes up. Good luck!

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