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BF broke up out of the blue


littlemac

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Hi all, I'm new here.

 

My boyfriend and I were together for over a year and a half, never fought, never came close to breaking up. We have done so much together, his family considered me to be a part of the family and vice versa. He is a wonderful, loving person who doesn't always realize how great he is. We both have been stressed the past couple of months (I am a senior in college, he is out in the working world with money problems) so we have been leaning on each other as we always have. Because money is tight, we have opted to stay in most nights, not go out and spend money, which has not been a problem. He also just found out about 3 months ago that his father has prostate cancer. I have been there in anyway I can, I love him so much and I know that feeling is mutual. This past weekend, I was having an off day (I'm a woman, crucify me for being moody) and he was really supportive as usual. I told him I was feeling depressed because I was on break from school and bored. Everything was fine the rest of the night, then the next morning he left for church and kissed me and told me he loved me like nothing was wrong. When I didn't hear from him later that day I felt something was wrong. When we spoke over text he was real short with me, and didn't reply for hours while we normally are always communicating throughout our days. The next morning he sent me a text wishing me luck with classes, but I still sensed something was wrong. He was very strange and by Tuesday morning I couldn't take it anymore and I told him we needed to talk that night.

He came to my house, said hi to my mother and the dog (he loves them both) and asked if we could talk in the car. He told me he had to end it, because he felt as if he wasn't living up to my expectations, that he's a bad boyfriend, and a "glorified drug addict" (he only smokes marijuana...) and he generally just sounded very down on himself and said he wasn't happy (in general, not specific to our relationship) and I said "that's because we've both been going through some stressful stuff, but that's when we're supposed to support each other no matter what." He told me he was tired of "making excuses" for why he's unhappy. He said he loves me to death but he just can't do it and needs to be alone. He kept saying I'm going to find someone better (I can't imagine better) and I'm going to move on. He even had my things already in a box, and he left them on my front step and texted me goodbye. I am at such a loss for words. I didn't see this coming. Is he feeling overwhelmed and thought that pushing me out would fix that? I did text him although I know I shouldn't have just to tell him that we were worth fighting for and that this isn't the ending our wonderful relationship deserved. That night when I was upset he told me he wouldn't abandon me just because I'm feeling down...and that's exactly what happened just 3 days later. I love him so much, he is my best friend and the closest person to me, and he wasted no time removing me from all social media. How can he just forget me like that? Is it stress/depression? Will he come to his senses?

 

Thank you for your help, I am a mess without him...

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I'm sorry I know how you feel, but please don't call him because you are just making things worse. If you really want him back you have to stay away, like they say if he comes back he really loved you.

Try to move on, I know it's hard for you but time will make your heart heal. I know you don't believe that now, but it does. If you text him and look for him, you are just going to push him further away and later on you will see it wasn't worth it.

How about maybe cuz your probably going to do it anyway... email him how you feel, but don't ask him to get back, just tell him your feelings, and tell him you will move on...

Just for him to know you are not going to be waiting for him, maybe he will think things better, because otherwise men just take us for granted.

Good Luck!

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It sounds like he's fallen out of love with you and using those other reasons as excuses. Nobody leaves a person for the other person's sake (well, rarely it might happen). This is what people say to soften the blow. He might have developed feelings for someone else and doesn't want to say. He might want to 'play the field' and not be tied down. Whatever has caused him to change, he sounds very definite about it and it's no use trying to reason him out of it. Unfortunately the best you can do is believe he means it and accept the fact and not contact him any more. You've lost him but at least you can keep your self respect by not trying to hang on to him. Maybe you never actually had him. Maybe he was never as invested as you were from the beginning or soon after but has let it go on without saying anything. It's hard to take but is very common.

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Hi and welcome.

 

Sweetie I'm sorry to say but it does sound like the reasons he's given you for this breakup are most likely excuses... and the truth is probably closer to what Twidom's said, that he wants to be free to date other people, or is just scared about commitment, or just feeling dissatisfied with the relationship in general.

 

Regardless of what his true motivations are -- YOUR job right now is to protect yourself from any fresh new incoming pain so you can start to recover from what's just happened.

 

That means cutting off communication with him for now, online and off. It means surrounding yourself with people who love and support you -- with friends, with family, with support groups like this one. HE is not going to make you feel better right now.... for now, let other people be there for you through this crisis.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting! It helps to read through other threads here, too.

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I flat out a asked him if there was someone else and he looked me in the eye and said absolutely not, that he really just wants to be alone and independent because he feels pressured to make future plans with me (which is why I think he got scared.)

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I flat out a asked him if there was someone else and he looked me in the eye and said absolutely not, that he really just wants to be alone and independent because he feels pressured to make future plans with me (which is why I think he got scared.)

 

Honestly..... no one will EVER admit to that. Not ever.

 

If there isn't someone specific on the horizon for him, he just isn't feeling ready to settle down with you yet and wants to see what else is out there. But don't expect him to ever tell you that!

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OK, I'm just going to tell you what my experience is... when a person makes this quick a turnaround, it is usually to do with them meeting someone else they are attracted to... they may not actually be with the other person yet, but they think, 'hey, there are other alternatives out there, and I need to be free to pursue them just in case they might be better for me...' So they do a very quick dumping like this, where they are in a hurry to get free lest that other 'opportunity' with someone else close.

 

They may feel guilt about the haste with which they do this, and also a bit guilty that they have sparked on someone else while still with you, so they'll give you the 'i'm not good enough for you speech..' They don't want to confess the REAL motivation, that they want to be free to pursue someone else, because they think that will be more hurtful for you to know that and also will cast them in a worse light for sparking on someone else while with you.

 

And the haste with which he exterminates you from social media is another fact that supports this... He doesn't want this new girl to look him up on FB and see any indication that he has a GF, or how recently he has had a GF (i.e., he had a GF when he met her).

 

And when he says he know you are going to find 'someone better', he is mirroring his own thoughts, that perhaps he has found 'someone better' matched for himself in the new person.

 

So they will SWEAR they don't have anyone (and they may not at that exact moment), but they are already THINKING about someone new even if they haven't firmly done the deed yet. So they confess to a 'lesser' sin (or a few of them as in him saying he's an addict blah blah blah because they don't want to admit the REAL reason they are leaving because it paints a far less favorable picture of their motivations.

 

So my suggestion is that you just let him go. The alacrity with which he has done this makes it clear that he is just tossing you out in a hurry to get on with something/someone new, and you can't fight that. Your best bet is to just do your grieving and let him go. You don't want to be with someone who dumps you like a hot rock to chase some new fantasy.

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I agree. When someone does a complete 180 out of the blue and suddenly dumps you for no real reason-it usually means there is someone else.

 

But if that isn't the case-maybe he is pushing you away coz he doesn't feel good enough for you and cannot handle anymore heartache right now. Maybe hes so insecure that he is sabotaging the relationship before you hurt him..

 

Whatever the reason-you need to accept it. Go no contact, protect yourself and try to heal. Don't beg or try to persuade him that your good together. Don't cry to him or tell him your hurt etc. That is the biggest mistake dumpees always make and it will just make you feel humiliated and make him disrespect you. If he tries to get in contact-ignore him!

 

He may get bored, feel lonely or horny and try to come back. That is when you need to be strong and tell him to get lost. Do not let him use you. You are worth more

 

It's his loss hun. If he really "loved you to death" he would still be with you so its time now to move on and try to forget about him

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My previous ex had no problem telling me that he was leaving me for someone else, and also had no issue posting photos of her and him within days of the breakup.

 

This one has never been the "fly by night" type of guy. He was raised in a wonderful family and is very loyal to everyone. Although he has hurt me, I still know the person I dated for almost two years. I feel in my gut, and from talking to one of his close friends, that this was very out of the blue and because he was feeling stressed. He feels pressured to care for his father who is battling cancer and his mom who battles bipolar. If this had been my previous ex, I SHOULD have ignored him everytime he crawled back, because he was an awful, messed up creature. But I love this man and if he is going through something and realizes he made a mistake then I will support him. I'm not going to jump back into anything, he's going to have to earn my trust back, but I think that every situation is different (whether you should ignore your ex or not).

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I hate to say it but it really sounds like you're in some denial here.

 

Your last boyfriend was clearly beyond caring whether you found out what he was up to or not.... this is very unusual. Your recent ex is still trying to maintain his image as a good person in your view, which is what people usually do in these situations.

 

If he has no interest in anyone else and only ended things with you due to family pressures and responsibilities, why the big rush to block you on social media? What is trying to keep you from seeing? That's a huge red flag. People with nothing to hide... hide nothing.

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I hate to say it but it really sounds like you're in some denial here.

 

Your last boyfriend was clearly beyond caring whether you found out what he was up to or not.... this is very unusual. Your recent ex is still trying to maintain his image as a good person in your view, which is what people usually do in these situations.

 

If he has no interest in anyone else and only ended things with you due to family pressures and responsibilities, why the big rush to block you on social media? What is trying to keep you from seeing? That's a huge red flag. People with nothing to hide... hide nothing.

 

He didn't block me, just de-friended me.

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Hun people who love you and see a future with you-do not leave. No matter how bad things get.

 

I have been there. Went through everything he is going through now and never pushed my bf out. A strong couple stay together no matter what through the good and bad times and help each other through it.

 

If hes pushed you away at the first hurdle, first obstacle then how the heck are you gonna survive 20/30 years and all the crap life throws along the way? There will be more sick relatives, more death, rough patches, pregnancy, new babies taking up all your attention, stress of mortgage, losing jobs etc etc. Its all a part of life and you need a strong man who will pull you closer through all the s**t-not bail on you every time things get a little difficult...

 

so please for your sake-cut contact with him, accept its over and start healing

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He didn't block me, just de-friended me.

 

And this makes a difference because.... ?

 

He's still hiding from you what he lets his *friends* see on Facebook.... and he's removing you as a *friend* so no other girls will see you as having a connection to him.

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