sonicfan287 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Hi everybody out there on ena, in need of a friend, in need of some hope. I don't post this to brag or even simplify the process of getting over somebody who's hurt you emotionally in the past but I'm hoping it provides at least some inspiration, maybe even smiles to some of you out there. In theory, it isn't really a "happy" story but not a horribly sad one either. Long story short, I was with my ex for over 2 years, and our relationship ended in what now seems like the far off land of "2012". For me, it quite literally WAS the end of the world. I'm not the most emotionally stable person to begin with (although I'm happy to say I've made some strides in that area)and when my ex ended it with me, I felt so many things. Looking back at it, I really should've put more of the blame on her but because I wanted so desperately to save our relationship at the time, I thought the worst thing I could do was throw blame on the party who was ending it. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin any "chances" I had with her. I was so delusional, so hurt and so angry at her, at myself and around others as if they could've stopped it. The fact of the matter is, it's now nearly 2 years later since that night she called me (ironically one of my friend's birthdays which is why I remember the date) and decided in a nearly non-chalant phone call that she was ending it. I understand 2 years isn't the longest time to be together and that we had rifts and breakups prior to that one but I always felt slighted by the phone break up. I even did have a chance to chat with her long after this happened and just put my foot down when it came to that. It's one thing to respect her decision but I still feel I deserved more respect than a careless "oh well" phone breakup. Moving on though... this pain got worse when I learned only 2 short weeks later that I had been replaced and that this person was doing everything with her that we had just had together. How did I know that? Because she seemed to have no problem professing her love for him on facebook. Granted, I shouldn't have been on facebook to begin with. So why am I recapping this horrid episode in my life? Only to try and put things in perspective. After months and months of time apart from her and the situation, I truly came to terms with the fact that it just wasn't going to work out. Sure, I could've changed and done different things, but for how long, and then what other reasons would she come up with for ending it? It was going to be hell to stay with her and only slightly less hell to be without her (surely, I jest). We still talked a few more times, but only because I initiated it. I wanted some of my things back and I started to get emotional (mainly as a reaction to her lack of emotions). Things fell apart and for months since our breakup, all I could do was cry. I consistently DJed at this bar during that phase and because of that I'd be out until 3 am and I'd be driving home through teary eyes. Anyway, flash forward to today (or even more prior to today) and I don't think about her as much. I'll admit, I still do think of her on some nights when I get discouraged with myself. Even with the limited improvements I've made (and I don't say that to put myself down, I just think there's always more to do), I haven't improved in one key area, and that's dating/socializing and I feel like I'm not adequate for any woman, whether that's true or not. So some nights when I feel rejected or lonely, I'll find myself blaming myself for my relationship going so wrong. It's not even any credit to her so much as blame on me. Even so, I no longer cry about it, I just feel a little sad. Here's where my story comes in and I'm sorry for the long back story, I'm just trying to show that I'm not a "fast healer" so if anyone's in a lot of emotional pain tonight, know that it gets better and know that I say this, not as someone who loves and forgets but as someone who holds onto things for a very, very, very long time. So, as a side note, I'm an artist and one of my hobbies is making movies with my friends. Each movie since I started this hobby in 2008 has gotten more and more complex in terms of characters and acting skills needed. I'm not a professional actor by any stretch of the imagination, but I like to give my all to my performances. For this one scene, my character had to cry and I could not for the life of me bring myself to tears. This sounds totally stupid, but that was my dilemma. So I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea, but I decided to take out the old pictures and cards from my ex-girlfriend. Yes, I held onto them but they're practically buried, I couldn't even find them. So I find them and expect to be bauling my eyes out. I expect to read her words and just start losing it. That didn't happen. I couldn't even FORCE myself to cry when looking at her and I or reading her letters and I TRYING to. I don't know if that means I'm over her or not but I never thought that day would come. I was convinced 2 years ago that a permanent scar was placed on my heart that I'd never recover from. This doesn't mean I intend to contact her or even act on this in any way but I just wanted to share my story for whatever reason. It's a pretty silly story I realize, but essentially, my tear ducts have dried up when it comes to her. I still think of her very rarely but she's just a person to me now, like anyone else. She was a good friend, a little more, but not much and that's all I can say. I never thought I'd get to this point but it can happen and for the record, I never got with anyone else. Aside from a few short dates, I've had very little experience with other women since our breakup, so I'm over her despite not having anyone new. I just wanted to extend this hope to anyone out there who needs it. Best of luck and stay in touch. It does get better. Link to comment
Twidom Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Thank you for your story. Like you, I'm emotionally messed up. Always been. Depressions runs in my family. My grandad had it, my dad has it and I have it too. Ontop of it, I'm bipolar. So yeah emotions are pretty messed inside me It's been oficially 3 months today since she broke up with me. I feel like there is a scar in my heart forever and that it will never go away. I still feel like she was the only women that could understand me and love me but it's too soon to tell. I pray for the day I can be like you. Thank you for a bit of inspiration and hope. Link to comment
sonicfan287 Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 The saying "there's someone for everyone" doesn't really ring true in my opinion. You can look at that two different ways, if there IS only one person for everyone then you can't screw it up, no matter what you do. If they're meant to be with you, they will be. If there isn't and the saying is full of crap, then the person you lost wasn't the one you were meant to be with because the possibilities are numerous. In other words, I've learned that just because you're alone doesn't mean you always will be. The person you lost wasn't right for you and if she understood you and loved you as much as she acted like, she'd still be there. I've felt the same way before but it always comes back to that thought. How can they love you and hurt you? The two can't possibly go together. It's not enough to understand that truth though, it has to be something which is internalized. Link to comment
heartxbroken Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Thank you for sharing this! It really does show there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Has she attempted to contact you since the BU aside from the times you initiated? Link to comment
sonicfan287 Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 Nope, not even once. That was a bit frustrating as well but it's actually helped me grow past her in the past few months. I'm even willing to reach out to my worst enemy if they need help but she hasn't even attempted to be friendly, nor does she need to be. She had given off the impression that she may still want to stay in contact but that was just another false promise and I don't really blame her for it anymore. Looking back on it now, it would've just been plain awkward (and awful) to remain friends after all that Link to comment
elsenyor Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 taking all the time needed is the best approach, really don't rush things, I'm 9.5 months in, your post made me realize that even if it takes 2 years it's fine my relationship was 1.5 years. thanks for sharing Link to comment
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