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Cherry009

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I have been seeing a guy for about 5 months, been sleeping together for about 2 months.

 

My problem is that he never seems to want me to touch him down there much, he is very attentive to me & always wants to pleasure me, we have done oral a few times but the last few times i have seen him he hasn't initiated oral. I am not sure he really enjoys my bjs, the first few times he said he was too sensitive but then i found out the way he likes it (which is a really awkward gagging kind of way), not my usual technique but i have been happy to do it for him but he seems to want me to stop pretty quickly after i have started....but still says it feels amazing?!

 

I feel like i just don't know what he likes....i have said a few times that he should tell me/show me what he likes but he just says he likes what i am doing. He seems to prefer to touch himself during foreplay rather than me touch him, is this normal?! I have never been with a guy who is like this, it makes me feel really useless and like i am not pleasing him, i have asked him many times how he likes to be touched but he just keeps saying he likes what i do already, but he doesn't act like he likes it. Sometimes when he is playing with himself during foreplay i try to touch him and kind of take over from him subtly but he just carries on playing with himself, i don't get why he doesn't want me to do it?! I don't know what else i can do? I even said to him the other week that it feels like you prefer doing it yourself to me & he didn't say yes but then he didn't deny it either, he just said that when i do touch him it feels amazing.

 

He is a big fan of just sticking to missionary, which i don't mind as it is one of the positions thats feels nicest for me, but i just feel useless when he acts as though he doesn't enjoy me touching him but yet says he does?!

 

It's really knocking my self esteem, i have never had complaints before or had a problem/feeling like this before. Help!

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I think you should believe what he's telling you. We're all unique. Self esteem is how you feel about yourself regardless of others opinions or the opinions you imagine they have.

 

But it makes me feel a bit unconnected from him & like i am not pleasing him, i hate that feeling.

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But it makes me feel a bit unconnected from him & like i am not pleasing him, i hate that feeling.

 

Well he's told you that you please him, so if you don't believe him you should confront him or accept it's your own insecurity. Tell him you don't feel connected and let him know what he can do to make you feel the way you want to.

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Is he gay? Weird situation if you ask me.

 

Well he's not a manly man but not camp either, he jokes around sometimes being camp, there are gay guys at his work one of them fancies him & he always says no way is he in any way like that. haha oh god i am worried now.

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I can understand how you are feeling, I would feel the same way too.

 

Has he had many gfs? Is he inexperienced? Maybe he can only get hard from masturbation? maybe he watches porn & this is the only way that he can get turned on?

 

Lots of questions, sorry.

 

I have been with guys that have touched themselves, but only briefly, and never without me helping. It sounds like he is not a very sexual guy, with missionary only, and this can cause problems between you if you want to experiment.

 

All I can suggest is you have a frank discussion with him. Make it about you & how you are feeling, don't make him feel like it is his fault or he might shut down. If things stay the same you will have to either accept that this is how it is or move on.

 

Good luck

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The thing is, where is the fun for you?

 

I mean, yes, I have known men who enjoy touching themselves, and maybe watching the woman touch herself, and whatever, that is their thing. From your post, you've got one kind of sex that works well. Blech. Maybe the question you are wrestling with isn't "Don't I please you" but rather, "I miss touching you -- what can I do to entertain myself?"

 

This just sounds boring to me.

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It's probably just his taste. ? In what he likes. Maybe he is busy looking.

 

Maybe he is different than any partner you have had before.

 

What would make you feel more connected?

 

How about...you show him a few things you like and see what happens? Talk to him, tell him what you like, not worry about him for a bit, just see?

 

Sometimes people are to varying degrees sexually compatible or not. But the only way to really find out is experiment and talk.

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Thanks for all your replies....

 

Shellyf62- he hasnt spoken much about his past, i don't think he has been with that many people, i do suspect he has just gotten so used to 'his way' on his own, he said it had been a long time before me. Perhaps i need to give this more time.

 

IThinkICan- I see what you are saying, i agree, I do miss touching him, i am a big giver in the bedroom, i like my partner to be happy/pleasured but just feel like i am not able to do this so much with him.

 

DancingFool- maybe you are right, perhaps i am just over thinking things and should just believe that he is happy, at the end of the day that is what i want, for him to be happy , like i said before...he is very keen to please me & he does, i just want him to feel pleased too, but by me, not himself, isn't that for the times when i'm not there?!

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OP sometimes we like to give because it feeds a need within ourselves to feel like we have had an impact. In this case, it doesn't seem like you have an impact, at least it doesn't seem that way to you. I think it is okay to talk to him about it, in that it seems like your thoughts are essentially: how is it different with me as compared to when you are by yourself?

 

Identify what is insecurity within you: why do you need to have an impact? Why not just practice taking for a while, let him be the giver? Take him at his word?

 

Also, identify what is important to you. Implicit in your writing is that HIS pleasure is important. This is often a guise, a cover for when really it is YOUR pleasure that is important. Your wants, needs and desires are important. Value them, stand up for them, own them, talk about them. Assume he will always be exactly as he is today. Can you deal with that?

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DancingFool- maybe you are right, perhaps i am just over thinking things and should just believe that he is happy, at the end of the day that is what i want, for him to be happy , like i said before...he is very keen to please me & he does, i just want him to feel pleased too, but by me, not himself, isn't that for the times when i'm not there?!

 

So in a way what you are saying is that you want him to be pleased but only if it's on your terms and how you like it...soo...that's really more about you pleasing yourself isn't it?

 

Honestly, you just need to give him a lot more time. It's very possible that he doesn't want you touching too much because you turn him on so much that it will all be over in 2 seconds flat for him. So he has to concentrate his all for that not to happen. Or he just needs to get used to something different and is moving there at his own pace. Either way, you should probably relax about it and focus on enjoying yourself more. Like it or not, he is making sure he is enjoying himself.

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This is indeed, I think very very unusual for a guy not to want their partner to give them oral sex. I am not sure of your ages, but it could possibly be that he is shy about cuming around you, on your hand, in your mouth, etc. When I was dating my first girlfriend in high school, I was shy about cuming in front of her. After getting married (with someone else), in the rare occasion that my wife use to swallow, that was hugely erotic and exciting for me. If you think that he might be shy about cuming around you, maybe if you told him that you wanted him to cum in your mouth or to swallow (if you like that or don't mind it - otherwise, of course another idea would be better), that would get him to relax about cuming in your presence. In other words, letting him know that you are ok or even desiring of the extreme case of cuming in your presence. And even if the intention is that the oral is only foreplay and he will cum during intercorse, still if he is concerned about cuming outside of intercourse, then he will be reluctant to have you actively touch him for an extended period of time. Like I said, I am speaking from experience on when I was shy about cuming in front of my first girlfriend.

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Thanks for your replies....

 

IThinkICan- I don't know, I guess i just want it to feel equal and like I am pleasing him rather than him pleasing himself, does thay really make me selfish? I don't feel like i am making it about me, i am thinking about him here, but most of all i just want to know if it is normal for a man to favour him touching himself over me touching him. Perhaps I am blowing things out of proportion, he does let me touch him but never for that long & i never get the feeling he is really enjoying it, perhaps he is though?!

 

Blue 92- I have told him what I like & he knows.

 

DancingFool- I don't want it on my terms, i just wanted to know what people thought of the situation & if it is normal/common or not. If thats what he really likes then it's fine, but i have not been with someone like this before.

 

Shelty24- I have observed the way he does it & tried to do the same to him, the last time he said how amazing it felt and it was the best hand job i had done yet, but he still kind of cut it off short.

 

bsgcic- Thanks for sharing your experience, i don't think he is embarrased about cuming or me seeing it, he's happy to play with himself & then come, usually on me, while i am in bed with him.

 

Argh i just don't know, perhaps i should say something again when i see him next, it's just making me feel like my bjs and hand jobs are rubbish, i have had complements from others before though so now just feel so confused by his behaviour & a bit rejected.

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