The Truth About Dating

[MattW]

I've been doing some thinking and some "soul searching" over the last few weeks, and during that time, I figured out the secret, the truth about dating, and relationships, and all of that. I figured out the truth, and now I want to impart that wisdom on everyone else.

 

What it basically boils down to is that the ideas of dating, relationships, "love", etc. are all a facade. See, humans are simply animals. And as animals, we have the instinct to mate, as well as the instinct to not want to be "alone". "Chemistry" and "connections" are false ideas. Rather, people just find different things desirable in a mate, and subconsciously, that's what they seek out. To any one person, you're either someone they would mate with, or someone they wouldn't mate with.

 

"Love" is a very nice idea, but that's all it is, an idea. Or, more accurately, an illusion. People don't like to think that their relationships aren't "special", that they're all just animals giving in to the urge to find a mate. People want "love" because that seems special, but in actuality, it's just a buzz word. It's something people dress up their relationships with in order to justify committing to one mate for a period of time. On top of that, the media takes this idea of "love" and puts it absolutely everywhere; why? Because it works. Because people buy into it, because this false idea that relationships are "special" or meaningful makes money.

 

And people just keep feeding into these false ideas, because no one wants to really face the truth. Nobody wants to face the truth that dating, and relationships are all mechanical, animal instincts that are programmed into us by nature. At the end of the day, dating and relationships are nothing more than people finding someone they can mate with regularly; dress it up to seem like something "special" if you must, but understand that that's just an illusion.

[savignon]

That's like saying breathing is an "animal instinct" and that nothing truly enjoyable comes from it (yoga, meditation, exercise, sleep...)

Telling other people how they really feel or experience life without knowing a thing about them is condescending and arrogant.

You can believe what you want about yourself...that you have nothing special, that your good feelings are an illusion...whatever works for you. But please don't speak as if you have factual information on my life, experiences or relationships.

Thank you.

[NorthDallas40]

Age: 25

 

..........

 

 

[Batya33]

Agree with Savignon. I want to add It's definitely not been true for me or for many people I know. My truths -plural -are varied and have to do with love, relationships, and also how I regard and treat other people (and animals), and how I contribute- or try to contribute -to the world in small or large ways. I think it's a typical cliche argument to tell people they really don't know themselves, they live under some sort of illusion -it's a tired old argument trotted out by people who are typically angry at themselves for choices they've made or avoided in order to feel like they're not missing out on anything or to feel above those so-called "illusions" they rant about. It's also far easier to label as "truth" something that gives you an excuse not to be out there as a productive member of society.

[pl3asehelp]

Sounds like a frustrated teenager honestly. Not my experience at all.

[Seraphim]

My experience is that love in all it's glory exists and many forms of it too. No one will ever convince me otherwise.

[john45]

I don't agree with your writing. I would suggest that this thread is about your truth about dating, rather than the truth (for anyone or everyone else) about dating.

 

What it basically boils down to is that the ideas of dating, relationships, "love", etc. are all a facade. See, humans are simply animals. And as animals, we have the instinct to mate, as well as the instinct to not want to be "alone". "Chemistry" and "connections" are false ideas. Rather, people just find different things desirable in a mate, and subconsciously, that's what they seek out. To any one person, you're either someone they would mate with, or someone they wouldn't mate with.

 

Not all humans follow your model. Your model is very black-and-white.. and I don't know what's influenced you and what your life experiences have been in order for you to hold and want to promote those views.

 

I know several people (and I guess I too fall into that category right now) of after had a major relationship or two fail, decide that because they have "baggage" - kids, other stuff, finance tie-ins, memories, still part of their lives due to that relationship, that it isn't fair to try to start a new relationship, even though the prospect of being celibate/single/alone is scary. Just knowing one person who has "opted out" of your model, on strictly logical terms, disproves what you propose to be a universal truth.

 

Sometimes "enough is enough". People do step off the merry-go-round that is the well-publicised nirvana of "the perfect relationship"

 

You also say that "love is a very nice idea, but that is all it is, an idea"

 

I think its way more complex than that. Its not just an idea, but, as adults, I believe love is also an act of our will too.

 

this is a way complicated debate, with lots of different facets and perspectives. It would be good to hear more on this. I know I still have a load to learn... and I can't exactly put myself forward as a paragon of personal relationships

If you believe these are false ideas - fine. If you want to believe that dating, and relationships are all mechanical, animal instincts that are programmed into us by nature - that's fine... you're entitled to your views.

 

You said dating and relationships are nothing more than people finding someone they can be with, but dress it up as something special. If that is your opinion - ok. If you wish to present it as a universal truth, that is applicable to everyone on earth... for me.. a lot more evidence and argument/counter-argument is required than is in your posting.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add that to me the most important part of love is giving -loving is giving -and if you are giving to someone else then certainly that's concrete and not illusory. Love is not just a feeling (and I know those feelings are real but the actions that are concrete -well that gives even more proof that it's not just an illusion).

[MattW]

The thing is, this just goes back to what I said, that nobody really wants to accept the reality of it. The ideas people have about dating and "love" are nice, and it's not surprising that people would want to desperately cling to them.

 

I wanted to add that to me the most important part of love is giving -loving is giving -and if you are giving to someone else then certainly that's concrete and not illusory. Love is not just a feeling (and I know those feelings are real but the actions that are concrete -well that gives even more proof that it's not just an illusion).

 

I would argue that people are generally selfish. People only "give" to those that they "love" in hopes that they can hold onto that person longer. People might like to champion themselves as "selfless", but deep down, everyone wants to get their needs met and will do what they feel is necessary to continue getting their needs met from a particular person.

 

..........

 

 

 

I find it curious that you're amused by my age in reference to this topic.

[pl3asehelp]

Well age is pretty relevant. I'd be surprised if anyone in their 20's ever in the history of the earth discovered even one original truth. You just don't have the perspective which provides the context.

[Batya33]

Yes this is your reality I get that. It's not mine and to presume it is is kind of arrogant and has no basis. I am not desperately clinging- I don't have to cling because I have a marriage and a family where we love each other and believe in that love and show that love through giving. No desperation and no clinging -just being.

 

I'm sorry that your reality is that people are basically selfish. I hope you have the opportunity -which requires being open to the opportunity -to encounter the many many people who are giving and caring. And I think it's ok to get pleasure out of giving and to have as one motivation of giving to feel that pleasure at making someone happy. It's not the only motivation. Today my 4 year old has 103 fever. I told him I was going to join him at the table for snack time once I got my coffee. When I returned from the kitchen, he was trying to drag his other kid-size yellow chair over to the table "so you can sit here too and have coffee". Even though he has fever and feels crappy. He's only 4 but he constantly does nice things for people and looks to do nice things. Does he get praise for it? You bet. Is that the only reason he does it- well I'm sure it's one reason but mostly it's because he's a loving and caring person.

 

I've met my share of selfish people and I keep my distance. Mostly I've met people who, on balance, have good intentions and want to be supportive. But that's also because I start with a realistic mindset, assuming that people mean well but making sure to take care of myself too -i.e. not trust strangers to a foolish extent, etc. All about balance.

[NorthDallas40]

I find it curious that you're amused by my age in reference to this topic.

 

Trust me, it's always amusing when a 25-year-old claims to know the truth about love and life.

 

But carry on.

[itsallgrand]

I'm somewhat prone myself to "sour grapes" -ing when I get extremely frustrated with something.

 

Have you ever read the story of the Fox and the Grapes? I believe it was an Aesop's fable. I remember reading it as a kid (the fables) over and over again.

 

Still a good story. Glad my mom and dad sprang for books!

[Batya33]

Trust me, it's always amusing when a 25-year-old claims to know the truth about love and life.

 

But carry on.

 

It sounds a little like Catcher in the Rye -the protagonist is a teenager and has very interesting views on life/the world. OP -take a look at it.

[FlashEng1]

MattW, you're on to something brotha But you're stopping just short of things. I mean for one, you don't necessarily time something as deep as 'soul searching' and 'life' to but a couple weeks of research .

 

With that, continue searching and understanding. There's one key ingredient to all of your philosophy and understanding that you really need to focus your priorities on.

 

It's not about the world and humans and what everyone believes thinks or does or how much you understand other people or that you've found the 'secret'. Hell, there's jobs for all that. Let those professions figure it out. In fact that's what they bank off of, society's desire for something. But other peoples love and desire for something, even if it's based on a facade (or .. Faith?) isn't your problem man. That's theirs. They aren't posting here asking for help.

 

It's about You. How You perceive the world. How You choose to live and understand love. How You want to exist.

 

Now the FASTER you understand what I really mean about things being about You. The faster you will be able to mold the world around you to be exactly how you want it to be.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MattW]

I'm sorry that your reality is that people are basically selfish. I hope you have the opportunity -which requires being open to the opportunity -to encounter the many many people who are giving and caring.

 

That's not really up to me. I've tried to "let people in", I spent years trying to be nice and likable and warm and caring. But no matter what, I'm just not "desirable" to people. On a fundamental level, I just don't have "it". People are only giving and "caring" to those that they desire in some way, shape, or form, and that's not me.

 

I'm somewhat prone myself to "sour grapes" -ing when I get extremely frustrated with something.

 

Have you ever read the story of the Fox and the Grapes? I believe it was an Aesop's fable. I remember reading it as a kid (the fables) over and over again.

 

Still a good story. Glad my mom and dad sprang for books!

 

No, I haven't, though I don't see what relevance a fable has here...?

[NorthDallas40]

The Truth About This Thread is probably summed up here:

 

 

[MattW]

I honestly really didn't understand any of that. No offense, of course.

 

 

 

Meh. I don't see what my journal has to do with anything.

[BrianH46]

Trust me, it's always amusing when a 25-year-old claims to know the truth about love and life.

 

But carry on.

 

A 25 year old who has yet to even kiss a girl might I add, yet he wants to lecture people about the truth of dating.

 

You want to tell me what I feel for my girlfriend is false? That the feelings of the men who died protecting their loved ones during the Aurora tragedy is false?

 

Matt you are fake, don't expect anyone to buy into your "nice guy" facade. Don't expect anyone to befriend or fall in love with a fake person. That is why you are so alone, no matter how hard you try and pretend to be a nice guy. You just aren't. Until you come to realize that you need to mature, that will be your situation.

[MattW]

Matt you are fake, don't expect anyone to buy into your "nice guy" facade. Don't expect anyone to befriend or fall in love with a fake person. That is why you are so alone, no matter how hard you try and pretend to be a nice guy. You just aren't. Until you come to realize that you need to mature, that will be your situation.

 

Yes, I know, I'm a horrible monster, I believe we've already been through this.

[BrianH46]

Yes, I know, I'm a horrible monster, I believe we've already been through this.

 

Monster, no. Immature, stubborn, arrogant. Yes. However those attributes can be overcome with a slight change in perspective and understanding. That is called maturing. But again you don't believe that you need to change.

[NorthDallas40]

Meh. I don't see what my journal has to do with anything.

 

Given your myopic view of the world, that's not surprising.

 

I just think that anyone considering taking you seriously when you wrote this:

 

I've been doing some thinking and some "soul searching" over the last few weeks, and during that time, I figured out the secret, the truth about dating, and relationships, and all of that. I figured out the truth, and now I want to impart that wisdom on everyone else.

 

Might want to know that you also wrote this a mere five days ago:

 

I hate everything, and everyone. I hate people, men, women, myself, everyone. Everyone is worthless, useless, myself included. I'll still wear a smile to everyone I come accross in the outside world, but in actuality, I hate everyone. There's not a single person in this world that I care for. Frankly, it's beyond me why I ever craved human companionship of any kind, hell, it's beyond me why ANYONE wants human companionship.

 

Not exactly the words of a champion dating expert, do you not agree?

[kamurj]

The thread has run its course, closed.