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Why do some men use the insult/flattery model of flirting?


GirlFriday26

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I have noticed that some people, mainly men, use a series of flattering comments sandwiched between ribbing and mild insults to attract a woman's attention. To me, it seems to be the adult (???) equivalent of pulling a girl's pigtails. I have seen this a fair amount recently from several men old enough to know better. To me, it is baffling.

 

What exactly is men's thinking behind this when we should have moved far beyond playground tactics in adulthood? Why the hell do guys do this when most women agree that polite conversation works just as well?

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I think it's referred to as "negging." It's been talked about quite a bit on here.

 

"You don't watch 'Walking Dead?' Clearly you have awful taste in television, we are NOT going work!" - said with a smirk, that's a playful form of teasing. But insulting your date is entirely different. It can make you come off as a jerk.

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What do you consider insulting?

 

I always crack jokes with and on my friends, as well as on myself. I've never done it as a way of flirting, unless they set me up for a sexual joke or something. Without any examples of what you're talking about, it's hard to determine.

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"I'm sure your are too good to go out with me because you are so hot and hot women are conceited b**ches, but I thought I'll ask, maybe you are different."

 

At times like that I seriously think about doing a marketing deal with some local therapists. "You are right, I'm way too conceited for you, but here is someone you really ought to talk to." *hands psychiatrist's card*

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TBH some girls like it and consider it flirting - the girl I'm dating now for instance - at least once a day we cut each other down and laugh about it. it's just a sarcastic form of flirting IMO...of course I wouldnt start off a conversation with someone new like that, that would be offensive no matter what you liked.

 

-G.I.A.S

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I might talk a little trash sometimes, but NEVER in a way that categorizes people like You hotties are always high maintenance or whatever. EWW! But I might say, bet I can beat you at pool or some bs like that. I will be wrong, by the way, he will likely beat me at whatever challenge I throw down. Sometimes, its just my way of playing. It also is not necessarily intimate.

 

There was a Modern Family like this, where they were kind of flirting and trash talking about running, and so they went out for a 3 mile run. Over time, she realized that he NEEDED to win for his self-esteem, and she knew she was the better runner and she was beating him. So she pulled up and let him win. That was kind of her. I would never do that, and I don't think my guy, whoever he is, would want me to.

 

Anyway, sometimes, it IS just like being on the playground. Which I think is okay.

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I have noticed that some people, mainly men, use a series of flattering comments sandwiched between ribbing and mild insults to attract a woman's attention.
Because on women who have low self esteem or have never heard of this "game", it works. It's a way to keep the woman engaged in interacting with him. If her ego is wounded by what he says, and she tries to argue or explain that he's wrong, she's speaking with him, and he "wins" because she hasn't dismissed him or put up the b*tch shields or whatever tripe these PUAs believe in. Also, they think that this way, they stand apart from the Average Frustrated Chumps who try things like being nice. "Hey, he was *mean* to me, and I don't deserve that! I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!/convince him he's wrong/whatever"
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i don't know, but when a man is effusively complimentary, listing many reasons why he likes me and, then, with his hands all over me (as much as i would let him) says "i don't know why i am so attracted to you"... hmmmmmmmm makes me believe he was lying the whole time. that's a huge STOP sign for me.

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It's called "negging", and has been a popular staple of the pick-up artist community. The guru pick-up artists always taught negs to be used in moderation, for specific situations, and only for certain girls. But aspiring pick-up artists love short-cuts and "tricks" and use it everywhere and on every girl regardless of the context or situation.

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The trouble is not with people with social skills bantering, but with those lacking a bit in that department, listening to bad advice, and throwing out actual insults.

 

OK so what should the guys with poor social skills do? Just shut up?

 

I actually don't compliment random people because I feel shy about that also. So I guess here shyness is an advantage haha.

 

Unless he or she is my friend or something, I don't do it.

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And so, the debate rolls on. This thread has split people. I can see how it might work if you were 15, but on grown women? Really? Surely most people think that this is stupid? People just need to be themselves. This negging thing seems like a lazy alternative to actually attempting an engaging conversation. I'm not any wiser, but it is interesting to hear everyone's views.

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And so, the debate rolls on. This thread has split people. I can see how it might work if you were 15, but on grown women? Really? Surely most people think that this is stupid? People just need to be themselves. This negging thing seems like a lazy alternative to actually attempting an engaging conversation. I'm not any wiser, but it is interesting to hear everyone's views.

 

Yep, it works. Quite well from a man who knows what he's doing. Problem is you have 20 guys in the corner asking the one man how he did that, he breaks it down as easy as possible, but sadly the simplest form for all 20 men to understand is: insult her subtly through a compliment. Or mix it up. Those 20 men have no clue what they're really doing! Negging is a reality check tactic you use to shake the woman you're talking to off of her platform. You don't BLATANTLY insult and you don't open with an insult. Everything is entirely situational as well, as no one woman is the same... But that knowledge doesn't sell services and it certainly doesn't sell books or help those 20 men out. Keep practicing, rinse and repeat is the advice next given. Bad advice stacked on top of bad advice.

 

By the way, the most contradicting, false, and downright misinformed advice that's given to unsuccessful men is: just be yourself.

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To pull it off it has to be more funny than insulting. More playful banter than insult. I use it rarely. Only when I have a rapport with someone. Trying to 'neg' someone you just met seems stupid to me.

 

If you can't rise to someone's level don't be an insecure jack and try to tear them down.

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I was negging my ex for a bit - it was not to attract her, but to be funny, because she always exploded laughing when i did it. Innocent stuff, like when her nose flares when she laughs, and her snorting when she laughed, and her smile... it did pull her in, and she saw me as a guy who was very observant, very picky, saw me pretty high up there and i forgave her flaws (which were not flaws, i loved that about her) and she sought out my validation to make herself seem more beautiful to the man she "let in" (which is really when negging works... when she lets you in that your opinion is important).

 

A year later she stopped snorting when she laughed, she stopped smiling so deeply... and she hid her nose when she laughed... by then it was too late. She still loved me, but i realized what i lost when i joked around with her. Hence why i never neg (i actually only learned about it after our relationship), i have negged in the past with women who i dont think i have a shot with and i did it for laughs because i laugh when people neg me, and they react differently after - so in those cases it has worked, but i dont neg... i just dont see how that would be able to attract the woman i want.

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