My Boyfriend may be in love with his best friend??

[jussmile]

I am not sure how to even start this story, or if I should be posting it at all. I don't have anyone to talk to this about, or share this with, who wouldn't either think I am crazy, or just plain stupid for staying in the situation. My boyfriend of 3 years, is a wonderful guy. Loving, caring, thoughtful. All of the things that I have always wanted in a man. I am divorced and so is he. I have children and so does he. But, I think he is gay. I'm not going to say I think he is gay because of:

 

1) his feminine mannerisms,

2) or because of the amount of time he spends on grooming,

3) or because he enjoys rough anal sex with me,

4) or because he always has so much sympathy for gay guys and thinks it would be too difficult for them to come out of the closet,

5) or because he does not show much affection towards me unless we are having sex,

6) or because we have broken up several times because it didn't feel like he could truly commit to me,

7) or because it appears that he is visualizing giving another guy oral when he sucks on my tongue while we are having sex,

8 or because when I touch him from behind, he pretends like he does not like it, but moans with pleasure,

9) or because he and his friends joke all the time about being gay,

10) or because I have even been told by a few people that they were surprised my boyfriend had a girlfriend because they thought he was gay.

 

No, I'm not going to say I think he is gay because of all of those things above, although, all of those things are true. Those things have added to my suspicion. But, I am going to say I think he is gay, because I think he is secretly in love with his best friend. His best friend is a married man, and I think takes advantage of the fact that he knows my boyfriend is in love with him. He touches and hugs my boyfriend whenever he gets the chance. My boyfriend drops all things, to be with his best friend. He tries to see him and talk, text, whatever, whenever he gets the chance. It seems to me like my boyfriend has a glow when he is around his best friend. Yes, his best friend is another guy. Additionally, my boyfriend pays for everything for his best friend. He is always taking him out to lunch, paying for clothes and other stuff for him. We go on vacations, my boyfriend and his best friend/best friend's wife, and my boyfriend pays for everything, for all of us. He says it's because he's just a nice guy, but I think it is more than that. I think he has a crush on his best friend and he loves being around him so much, that he actually pays for this as a way to show his best friend how much he cares? I don't know.

 

What I do know is that I love my boyfriend very much, and I do know that he loves me. I do know this. We have broken up several times, for many issues (none of them being his admission to being gay), and he has had deep passion for us staying together, for us feeling one another, and believing that we are soul mates. He does show me in many ways how much he loves me. Sometimes it is a look, or feeling, or the way he kisses my cheek, or leg when we are making love (which we do quite often). He never has a problem getting an erection, keeping an erection or orgasming. I know he loves me, and he says he wants to marry me, although it has been 3 years and I still have no ring. We are to the point now where we spend each of our nights together.

 

However, I don't know what I should do about my jealousy of his best friend. I don't want my boyfriend paying for everything for another guy. He has even gone as far as to hold his friend's hand to ask him to pretend to be gay. He told me this, and that he was just joking around. His best friend didn't want to do it. I don't think his best friend is gay, I just think he is using my boyfriend to get free stuff.

 

Not sure what to do. I have even asked, directly asked my boyfriend if he is gay. He has adamantly told me no. He grew up in a very catholic family, and I think he is ashamed of being gay. I would accept him if he were. He is so awesome, I would probably even stay with him. Is that so wrong?

 

Any similar experiences or thoughts? Please share.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't see any scenario where this relationship can last, regardless of what you're willing to accept.

[John John]

I don't see any scenario where this relationship can last, regardless of what you're willing to accept.

 

I agree with this.

 

I actually know of a couple where I wonder if the guy is gay. I won't get into it, but I'm pretty sure that he is. And he also grew up in a VERY strict Catholic family. I think they're gonna get engaged soon, and I worry about the girl. I'm thinking he's using her as a cover up, as I unfortunately think may be the case here too.

 

What your other friends (you mentioned some of them thought he was gay) and family think about him? To me, it's alarming that he's only affectionate towards you during sex. And of course the other things you listed.

[Blue92]

I don't think him being gay is the question. I think you should ask yourself if he is just using you to appear normal around everyone else. The fact that he won't openly admit he is gay, even to you, makes me wonder about is level of commitment.

[happyfrank]

He doesn't seem gay. Maybe he likes anal sex because he thinks you like it. If you tell him no. He could stop.

[IAmFCA]

Trust your instincts.

 

Even if he is not gay, what is up with him that he would carry on such an unbalanced friendship?

 

Like the MC says, I know someone.... actually, two people, both married, very different stories, but both very closeted. I won't get into it. It happens, and the gay piece is distracting but may not even be the main point.

 

If I had a friend who acted toward me in a similar fashion, I would be mighty uncomfortable. Something is amiss here. He needs to come clean with you and/or you need to get out. You don't have to assume he is gay, you just have to work with what you know, which is that he is inappropriately supportive of his friend. He is not just being a nice guy, and he knows it. Look up co-dependence, or passive-aggressive behavior etc., and frame an argument around the behaviors of a healthy friendship.

[missmarple]

I don't think that's enough evidence to say he's gay or that he's in love with his friend. Maybe he's just one of those guys people take advantage of..I've seen it happen in friendships many times. I think that if he really was gay, he wouldn't be so comfortable with stuff like holding his friend's hand and asking him to pretend they're gay and then telling you about it..he would try to hide it as best he could.

In any case, what matters is that YOU think he's gay. He says he's not. Also, since the other guy is his best friend and he doesn't mind paying for him, I don't think he'll stop doing it...crush or no crush.

You either close your eyes to things that annoy you or you break up with him. It's really that simple.

[jussmile]

To be fair to him, I should say that he doesn't show "much" affection instead of any. And, he admitted that he didn't have much affection from his parents growing up or in his marriage. So, that would explain that. I am very affectionate, and like touching and kissing, cuddling all the time! He has done a good job of trying more, since he convinced me to get back together and marry him. He does touch me a lot more now.

 

Also, to play my own devil's advocate, maybe he is not gay? Maybe I am just an over-imaginative, paranoid, jealous girlfriend? That could very well be the case. I just wish my instincts would be quiet and not believe he is gay. But, again, if he loves me, would it matter if he is gay? He has made the decision to be with me, and to love me, and I love him very much. My family and friends like him because he is such a wonderful guy.

 

As for his bestie crush... omg... it really is so obvious though. I oozes and goozes whenever he is around him. We were all together once, and he lost site of him, and he went out of his way to hunt him down. I told my boyfriend that his best friend is a grown man and won't get "lost." That it's okay if we are apart for a minute or two. It really does disgust me how my boyfriend treats his best friend. Not because I have any issues with gayness, but because I am just jealous and would be jealous of him showing anyone this kind of affection and care, to the point of me thinking that he makes himself almost look silly around him.

 

Again, am I just acting like a little jealous schoolgirl for no reason?

[DancingFool]

Maybe he is bi? Have you considered that? Or maybe he is not anything other than a dude with emotional attachment issues that needs some psychiatric attention that he is not going to get because he doesn't think there is anything wrong with his life. Either way, you can live with what you have or you can't. If you marry him, I think you better accept the depth of his attachment to his bestie regardless of what you think of it. It's not going to go away or change.

[abitbroken]

I know of some straight female friendships where one is paying for an inordinate amount of manni/pedis and lattes for the other. It is unbalanced, but does not seem like such a red flag for two women to have that sort of thing going on.

 

I would say he might be gay if you guys don't have sex much or he was not spending the night with you and hurrying to meet up with guys - but this guy is with you every night. If he didn't have these feminine mannerisms and was a husky football player whose favorite hobby was forestry work and making beer, and he wasn't extremely affectionate outside of sex - would you think he was gay?? Or if he wanted to get married and did't pop the question. And was hero worshipping his way cooler friend.

 

I think you should talk to your boyfriend and express that you want to mix it up - that you want more vaginal sex and to suggest other different position yourself that are new - rear entry vaginal, tricking positions - something exciting.

 

I also think that if he wants to marry you and it has been three years - three years is not incredibly a long time if people are divorced. I think if you want to marry then you have to take the bull by the horns and talk about the future = bring it up. Ask what he sees. Tell him what you see. And if he says he can't really commit to you - ask him why.

 

Maybe address that it bothers you that he spends so much money on his friend. And maybe tell him it makes you uncomfortable that he jokes all the time about being gay. If he is bisexual, you want to know.

 

I don't think he is gay if he is having sex with you - he could be bi - or he could just be a garden variety commitmentphobe.

[IAmFCA]

Do not marry him as long as you have some red flag trying to get noticed. Just don't.

 

Re gay/bi/straight.... I know a man: alpha, strong as an ox, remarkable lover. He is in the closet. You are on ENA trying to figure out your man's friendship and his sexuality. There is enough of an emotional disconnect between you that you would suspect him of having a whole different layer that he hasn't shown you.

 

DO NOT MARRY HIM until you feel more thoroughly connected. I don't care if he is gay or bi or whatever. I care that you are open to suspecting it. Something is missing.

[jussmile]

Ok, then it looks like I might be dealing with two separate issues then?

 

1) Is my boyfriend gay? Which, may not even be an issue, and all of the gay "vibes" he is sending off could just be nothing.

2) Does my boyfriend have an unhealthy dependence or relationship with his best friend... which, I guess, may be none of my business, although it bugs me to no end! In fact, this was the only thing that we've ever gotten into a fight about. I told him I didn't think it was healthy the way he follows his friend around, and always clings on him. Or pays for everything. He told me that, basically, he is an adult and can do what he wishes. Basically... although, if you knew my boyfriend, you would know that he said it in a much gentler tone than that. I felt horrible, and apologized.

 

So, again... maybe it's my problem. One of the reasons I am here. I want it to be an issue in my head, and to hear the perspectives of others... even if to say I am making a big deal out of nothing.

[DancingFool]

It will be your business if you were to get married and he continues to pay with what is now your money as well. So if this is a problem for you, it needs to be addressed. I think one factor to consider in that is how well he can afford what he is spending. Like if relative to his income, the expenditure is a bit like a joke to him, then you are probably making big deal out of nothing. If this is stopping him from buying new tires for his car, it's a huge issue. Still, there is the attachment issue which doesn't sound healthy or normal by any stretch of imagination.

[jussmile]

I think one factor to consider in that is how well he can afford what he is spending. Like if relative to his income, the expenditure is a bit like a joke to him, then you are probably making big deal out of nothing. If this is stopping him from buying new tires for his car, it's a huge issue.

 

I'm not sure how to answer that. Whenever we are together, or he hangs out with this guy, he pays for everything. Just like you would a female you are dating. I don't think he's breaking the bank on him, just like he is not breaking the bank on me, but I still think it is excessive. The guy never pulls out his wallet whenever we go out. We've even done trips together, and same story. One time, he made a half-hearted attempt to pull out his wallet as though he was going to pay, and my boyfriend, touched his hand and just told him he had it covered. ugh. it made me sick to my stomach.

[abitbroken]

Why not tell your boyfriend that you would like a compromise. If he feels important buying a round for the guys - so what. But when you go on vacations - each couple pays their own way unless the friend is willing to alternate and treat on his turns.

 

He told me that, basically, he is an adult and can do what he wishes. Basically... although, if you knew my boyfriend, you would know that he said it in a much gentler tone than that. I felt horrible, and apologized.

 

No, no no - do not apologize! You felt horrible because he stood his ground and your idea didn't agree with his. Using his own mad money for nights out is one thing, but treating another couple on a trip involves joint agreement if you were married. Do not feel sorry for your feelings. Only feel sorry if you raised you voice.

[jussmile]

Before we went on the vacation with his best friend, and best friend's wife... I told my boyfriend that I didn't want them coming with us, because I didn't want him paying for everything. That this makes me uncomfortable. It is not the first time that I have brought up with him that I think his best friend takes advantage of him. He insists, it's what he likes doing for this guy, and does not see it as being taken advantage of.

 

Anyway, I told him that I didn't want them to come, and he said it wasn't going to be the case, and that the best friend would split the expenses. That didn't happen. We got into the argument, neither of us are yellers. I just told him I was sick on my stomach seeing his best friend use him like that. My boyfriend was really upset at me, and said that he was embarrassed because his best friend could tell there was something wrong with me the entire time. He was right. I was very mad at the best friend for his behavior. Even if my boyfriend's fault for letting someone take advantage of him like that, I truly believe my boyfriend is in love with his best friend, and that his best friend knows this and takes advantage of it. That makes me very mad at his best friend.

 

Not sure how I feel about the fact, that I truly believe that my boyfriend is in love with his best friend? Guess, I just feel that his best friend is not gay or bi, and that the "crush" would never go anywhere. So, guess it doesn't really bother me. It does bother me to see the gross abuse of the friendship though. I try not to hang out with them anymore, but feel bad, because if we are going to get married, we should be able to hang out with each other's friends.

[pl3asehelp]

Don't overlook how is neglecting your feelings and putting his and his friends needs over yours. Expect this to continue if you get married.

[jussmile]

I guess my question is... if my boyfriend is in love with his best friend (whether gay or not), knowing that he could never do anything about it... would you continue the relationship, if you loved him very much and you knew that he loves you very much (although, he probably does not love you as much as his best friend)?

[pl3asehelp]

No. And he's already doing something about it - he's in an abusive relationship with this guy he loves. Adult men do not interact this way. His friend is aware of your guys feelings, which is why he is able to exploit that and establish the dynamic they have. Gold digger and sugar daddy.

[Iggles]

I guess my question is... if my boyfriend is in love with his best friend (whether gay or not), knowing that he could never do anything about it... would you continue the relationship, if you loved him very much and you knew that he loves you very much (although, he probably does not love you as much as his best friend)?

 

I wouldn't put up with any of this. People treat you all you allow them to. I refuse to come second in romantic relationships. There's no way I would continue a relationship with someone who is in love with another person. I think it's impossible to be in love with two people! He has love for you, OP, but that isn't the same.

 

You must have very low self esteem to settle for a guy who is in love with his best friend. One day he's going to wake up with the courage to make a change in his life. He's treading water with you. You're not the end game, and when he decides to stop pining for someone who is using him he's going to outgrow the codependent arrangement he has with you, which you both call a relationship..

[jussmile]

I don't have low self-esteem. I actually very much love my boyfriend. He would never admit that he is in love with his best friend, and I know his best friend would never be interested in anything romantic with him. I have made the decision that I want to be with my boyfriend, I just want to figure out how to help him stop allowing himself to be used by his best friend. Is that not possible?

[abitbroken]

I don't have low self-esteem. I actually very much love my boyfriend. He would never admit that he is in love with his best friend, and I know his best friend would never be interested in anything romantic with him. I have made the decision that I want to be with my boyfriend, I just want to figure out how to help him stop allowing himself to be used by his best friend. Is that not possible?

 

He is not being used if he is doing it voluntarily and with pleasure. If the friend always "forgot his wallet" and the bf was frustrated but when along with it all the time, he is being used. But if this is not the case, and I suspect he was just placating you by telling you the friend will split it- then he is not being used.

[jussmile]

He is not being used if he is doing it voluntarily and with pleasure.

 

He is still being used... I agree though, he is not being taken advantage of. I just want him to wake up and see what his best friend is doing. It really is sickening.

 

I have been in love with someone that I knew I couldn't be with. That has not stopped me from being able to love another. My boyfriend will never have a relationship with his best friend. This is not a possibility. My boyfriend does love me, I truly believe this. I just don't know how to look the other way in how his friend treats him. It makes me not want to be around the best friend... but, like plans coming up, it is unavoidable as they are best friends and part of his life.

 

If anyone can help giving me pointers on not caring about this, as I do know it's my boyfriend's issue, and if he doesn't want things to change, they won't. I just want it to not bother me... or, I want to show him how it is not healthy.

 

btw - there is a chance that my boyfriend is not in "love" with his best friend. Although, that is the best way I can interpret what I see when he is around him. It's like a puppy dog. ugh.

[abitbroken]

Well - you can spin it any way you want to. No - if someone is joyfully treating another person, they are not being used. He is doing this out of his own pleasure. Yes, its rude that the friend doesn't even attempt to go for his wallet but that is a different story. What about the wife??? does she ever thank your boyfriend? The husband could be telling the wife they are settling up later.

 

You said that you were in love with someone you can't have before. Could you be in the same sitatuation in a different way - you love your boyfriend but he is not committing to you?

 

I really think you can not overlook it. It is bothering you so bad. I think that you

need to address it.

 

You have two choices for each:

 

1) tell him that you can agree to disagree with him treating his friend for drinks or whatever, but you felt like you were being dismissed - if you marry someday - would he expect family finances go to taking the friends on trips? would you get a say?

 

Choice B

 

Discuss that if you guys marry - treating his friends would be part of his mad money and no money for the family finances would go to it. You use your money for your hair and your extra clothes or whatever you buy and that is his splurge and you won't say anything about it.

 

Choice C-

You suggest cheaper things to do with the friends.

 

 

Issue #2

In love with the friend. Instead of just speculating, grab the bull by the horns. "honey, its not so much the money" - It is the fact that it seems when Friend is around, you are out to impress him and the rest of the world stops. somedays I think if wife were not around, you'd dump me for him. Its beyond what good friends do for eachother.

 

Is there another reason - like the friend and wife or destitute or he owes them something??

 

If this bothers you so much and it can't be resolved, I would dump your boyfriend. Honestly. You keep justifying that he is so sweet and nice, but he is so dismissive of you here. Maybe say you are not telling him he can't spend money, but the relationship just is strange.

[pl3asehelp]

I think the bf is throwing money around hoping to get something in return, which he hasn't gotten yet and may never - his abuser knows this, but OP's guy doesn't, so in that way he's being used. His relationship with this guy isn't friendship, it's more like unrequited love being taken advantage of.