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10 month update ups and downs but progress


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Brief background

 

The ex and I met through work. We dated for 1.5 years and the breakup happened out of the blue. She cheated with a married coworker, dumped me, and started dating a different coworker. I went through a myriad of feelings from rejected, abandoned, immense sadness and grief. Words could describe the amount of pain I felt and sometimes feel. When she left, I packed all her stuff and returned it. Never to speak a word to her again. We occasionally bump into each other at work and I keep things cordial and polite. I quickly am on my merry way.

 

It has been extremely difficult because she has not try to make it easy on me. Like clockwork, every 1.5 months she will send me breadcrumbs or do things to irritate me. I don't know what her intent is but I ignore and do my best to be the better person. To give you an idea, she has thrown her relationship in my face, when I see her and the new guy together, she gets extra affectionate with him. She ordered things off my Amazon account paying with her card 8 months after our breakup. She showed up to my graduation. At our work Christmas party, she chose to sit at a table near mine dragging the new guy along, she sat in my seat to talk to my friends and my friends thought it was really awkward because they don't socialize with her and she ended up saying a few lines and patiently wait for me. I noticed her and decided to sit elsewhere and ignore all attempts by her. There are plenty of other things but those are the big ones that stuck with me.

 

I took her attempts really personal and a good friend said I should be flattered because she's still vying for my attention after all this time. Now that I think about it, he's right. I'm also very proud of myself for taking the high road. I didn't spread rumors about her, I didn't retaliate, I just let it be.

 

I currently feel a lot better about myself. I still have my ups and downs but it's more stable. I've traveled to two countries in the past year. I've made better friends, strengthened my relationships, and overall just became a more compassionate person. Those who know my story think very highly of me and are proud of me. I look forward to 2014 and I believe I'm almost completely healed. I think she's an immature and lost person. Part of me wants to ask her to stop but there is no point.

 

The final hump that I'm working on is getting myself out there. I find myself not interested in relationships or dating so much. There hasn't been anybody who has caught my attention. Is this normal? I guess I'm afraid to get hurt again after this deep betrayal. I will give it more time to see if my feelings change but I'm stubborn as hell. I don't think I would ever want to commit as strongly or deeply as I did in my past. I'm a bit jaded because outside of my experience, I see other coworkers who cheat on their spouses and people generally being selfish which leads me to believe that most of society operates this way. Through my experiences, I analyze people now and I catch them in lies which puts my guard up to not trust or associate myself with them. Is it really this difficult to find trust worthy people in this day and age?

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Hi BlueV,

 

I understand a lot of what you're explaining and i think a lot nowadays tend to think like you are re: last paragraph.

Im gonna share something with you here. A link I saw on FB today- it' re: men (but can refer to both).

 

link removed

 

I agree, just give it some more time.. to start expanding your search for someone else.. again.

 

Good to hear your doing a bit better, yes I do remember your story about that party issues. Let's just feel a little bit sorry for this poor woman... sigh.

 

Just remember...her loss

 

tc

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Hello! Glad to hear that you are doing well. Good for you! You are doing us proud here on ENA.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying in the last paragraph. I'm in the same boat. I don't know where to start and am also feeling jaded.

 

perhaps what we need to do is rather than going out there trying to find someone, go out there and do things. Hobbies, and things you have always wanted to do.

We tend to meet people when we don't expect it and I think by being more social/active, it increases our chances of meeting someone special.

 

I know that its hard, but try not to let your past hurt your future. I know, easier said than done but it is unfair to the new people we meet if we are too jaded and suspicious.

Protect your heart to a certain extent but don't close yourself to the point where you don't let anyone in.

 

Take care of yourself

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Hi BlueV,

 

I understand a lot of what you're explaining and i think a lot nowadays tend to think like you are re: last paragraph.

Im gonna share something with you here. A link I saw on FB today- it' re: men (but can refer to both).

 

link removed

 

I agree, just give it some more time.. to start expanding your search for someone else.. again.

 

Good to hear your doing a bit better, yes I do remember your story about that party issues. Let's just feel a little bit sorry for this poor woman... sigh.

 

Just remember...her loss

 

tc

 

Thanks! It has been quite the journey. I can see why nice guys really transform in to the jerks that they are. I fortunately cannot go that route because it's not the life I want to live. Nor do I want to perpetuate the hurtful cycle. I know pain and playing someone isn't my thing. I do have a backbone and can stand my ground. As Confucius has put it, the harder path is normally the right one.

 

Hello! Glad to hear that you are doing well. Good for you! You are doing us proud here on ENA.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying in the last paragraph. I'm in the same boat. I don't know where to start and am also feeling jaded.

 

perhaps what we need to do is rather than going out there trying to find someone, go out there and do things. Hobbies, and things you have always wanted to do.

We tend to meet people when we don't expect it and I think by being more social/active, it increases our chances of meeting someone special.

 

I know that its hard, but try not to let your past hurt your future. I know, easier said than done but it is unfair to the new people we meet if we are too jaded and suspicious.

Protect your heart to a certain extent but don't close yourself to the point where you don't let anyone in.

 

Take care of yourself

 

I'm not looking for anyone per se. I just find myself having these thoughts about relationships. I shouldn't compare but I look at my ex. I think wow, how can she move on so easily and trust someone so soon. The thought of me moving on and trusting anyone right now is pretty scary. I don't want to do it if my heart isn't in it. The answer is more time, as we all know.

 

Congrats on your progress.

 

You said you became more compassionate? How so? And how do you dealt with the anger and ressentment?

 

Even though my ex hurt me in the worst ways possible, I held true to my values. I look at her and came to the realization that everyone wants to be happy. Most people just don't know what they're doing or don't consciously look at other people's perspectives. I care for my ex as a person but I wouldn't want her in my life. I can appreciate what we had and honor my own feelings. I took responsibility for how I felt and made peace with the pain. In doing so, I grew. If I could look at her actions as a human, the person who hurt me, then I could have compassion for her. She doesn't know what the hell she's doing. Hell, I don't know what I'm doing but I feel like it's the right thing. The biggest thing was building compassion for myself. I would obsess about everything she's doing and put way too much emphasis on it being my fault. I started talking to myself as if I had a good friend going through my problems. Once I started building the love for myself, I had a better time being alone and just being me. In doing so, I had better times with people and relating to them. I definitely grew from this painful experience. I do not wish my ex ill or anything, I just wish she would leave me alone because it's annoying but we're all human and I accept my feelings completely. I don't deny any of my emotions nor do I deny anyone of what they feel. I am generally more accepting of myself and other people. It's easier to draw boundaries as to what I want in my life and what I don't.

 

The anger and resentment comes and goes in waves. It will be there. I know it's emotional energy and I use that energy to positively push me forward. I started to workout, do more things by myself and for myself. Don't get me wrong, I get incredibly angry when my ex pulls these crazy stunts. I just choose to respond in a way that will benefit me. I know I can stoop to her level and just play this game but it's not what I want. I feel like if I respond in any way, that's exactly what she wants to drag me back into her. Where as I want to let bygones be bygones and move on. I guess I look at it as a test of my patience, not by choice but a test none the less. She's not worth my time.

 

Hope that helps.

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