I need advice how to break up with my bf today.

[TalkThatTalk9]

sorry in advance if I sound rambled, I really need some advice. today I am going to break up with my boyfriend but I don't know how to do it.

 

we will be together 10 months this week. a few years ago his parents both died within months of each other. he has since lived with his 40 year old sister. he is unemployed and on disability (started receiving it in September) he has extreme pain issues. don't wanna get into all that.

 

he is 28 and he stays up all night playing video games and goes to bed between 3-4 am. then sleeps til noon then plays video games all afternoon and evening with his sister.

 

he has told me before we even were a couple that as soon as he got his disability he would start working towards having an income and getting out of his sisters as well as figuring out how to better his pain issues. which are fixable to an extent.

 

he has done none of that. he got huge back pay check and went thru all of it... paying most of his sisters bills. going to college football game.... going out to eat with his sister... etc. stuff he shouldnt of spent it on. took me on our FIRST and only date we have had our entire relationship (we had been dating 5 months since then) and did not do anything like get a gym membership or computer to work from home a little bit. it was like all lies to me or something.

 

and yes, he has only taken me on ONE date (I feel foolish for allowing this to go on..... ) we are long distance an hour but we see each other often and we just sit at home and do nothing. I've asked him to do things he says "oh my pain issues.... blah" so we do nothing.

 

he said in order to move in with me, he needs to fix his pain issues then get a job then go back to school and this list is a mile long.

.

which leads me to the second reason I am breaking up with him. his sister.

she is way too overinvolved with his life and it is just something I can not get used to or accept.

 

she listens to our phone conversations. if we lay in bed too long in the morning she is screaming his name to come out and hang out with her. if I come see him she sits and hangs with us we get no privacy. if we have any kind of exciting plans besides sitting on a couch doing nothing she is somehow always involved. she controls his every thought and move. she does not like me and I have done NOTHING to make her feel that way. I always make sure to be polite and nice so she can't accuse me of being a b((((. so i don't know if that is ever going to change. she has taken the place of mom and he has even said so. he refuses to move out by me because she would be upset. it is an hour.

anytime I ask how his day is he tells me how hers is too. I swear to the Lord i am DONE.

 

I had issues in the past but the holidays brought them up even more. xmas I Went to their house and asked him if we could exchange presents. he made me wait for his sister to get settled in then we exchanged presents and she sat and watched us. WHAT THE HECK? I was so mad. and weirded out. I don't get why we couldn't do that in private.

 

then nye we all went to a very fancy wedding. we were black tie at a cocktail hour and his sister was double fisting whiskey drinks. screaming out to everyone how good the food was. we get to dinner she is poking my FACE with the table centerpiece.... screaming during the speeches and dancing like a drunken hippie in the aisles. I was so mad and embarassed and the night was ruined. everyone at our table was talking about her. my boyfriend was mad too but has yet to say anything and when I bring up how ridiculous it was he gets super defensive and blames her drinking on their parents death.

 

they are like a married couple minus the sex which I basically just provide. he has it made.

 

he is so sensitive and I know my reasons are going to be very extreme touchy subjects with him and he is prob going to get mad too.

 

how do I break it to him respectably and maturely but getting my point accross so he leaves me be.

 

this is a mess. I thought I would be able to handle it all but I just have zero attraction and this all is just too much extra stress to an already stressful life.

 

I really tried to give this guy a chance. I have been too nice which has gotten me in this mess. I never speak my mind for fear of upsetting him and he is so sensitive the littlest things make him upset. he has also shown signs of being jealous anytime I have plans and making me feel bad for him while I am out... he wants to know all my passcodes and when i say I Am not comfortable with people on my phone he gets super defensive. I explained I have personal diaries on there and was willing to give my code but just didnt feel comfortable. he said "Well how am I supposed to ever trust you are being honest with me" so it is not just all that. I have several red flags.

 

I am sorry I am rambling I am scared of doing this but my new years resolution is to stop letting people walk on me and I feel he is, even if it is disguised as the "nice guy" .

[tattoobunnie]

Considering he never gets up off the couch - I wouldn't put any effort into it, just like he never did your entire relationship. I'm all about breaking up in person (if you've seen eachother naked) - but in this case, I'd email or text, it's not working out, and I don't want to be with you anymore. Bye. And then jump for joy, and never look back.

[TalkThatTalk9]

lol thank you tattoobunnie.

 

I feel bad because he is a really good guy at heart... my brother put it best he is a good guy but bad boyfriend. I don't know why he is so comfortable with not having anything... he whines all the time to me that his life is bad and how he wishes he could provide for me and it kills him he can't. actions speak louder than words

[GinNJuice]

Yeah, don't do it person. No need in giving him the chance to whine and cry. Call him, tell him you're not happy and it's not working, then tell him you have to go.

[Tanzi]

lol thank you tattoobunnie.

 

I feel bad because he is a really good guy at heart... my brother put it best he is a good guy but bad boyfriend. I don't know why he is so comfortable with not having anything... he whines all the time to me that his life is bad and how he wishes he could provide for me and it kills him he can't. actions speak louder than words

 

It is easy to whine - whilst making you feel sorry for him at the same time - but the fact is he can do something about it yet he chooses not to … that really says it all.

 

There is no easy way to break up with someone and whatever you say, you should expect a backlash of some sort. You just need to stand your ground. Tell him that you clearly want different things from a relationship and from life in general and you therefore don't see a future together.

 

He has no motivation to even get up off his couch or to change any aspect of his uninspiring life. I know it would help to do more if he had more money but sitting on the couch playing video games all day or sleeping isn't going to get him more money. He is in a rut and there is no reason why you should be too. His life isn't the life you want.

[elsenyor]

if you've made your feelings clear, and your position clear. go for it. his heart will be broken but he's choosing to do nothing about it, why he's this way it's simple a lot of people go for instant gratification over anything that requires effort (video games vs finding a job / improving life).

[metrogirl]

On the phone, don't do it any other way. Be stern and don't him a chance to promise you anything. He's had months to make things right for him, he just chooses not to because it's easier for him. Tell him just that and you are done and hang up. Block him from all social media and don't respond to emails, calls or texts. Sure it will suck for a minute but it will pass.

[tattoobunnie]

I've dated a rich guy who wouldn't move from his gaming station. And my husband is also considered crippled from having a forklift run over his leg 15 years ago...he was in pain all those years, until he got on Celebrex...and that was only a few months ago, and you know what, we still traveled the world, went to dinner, movies, activities, frolick, saw friends, make love...

 

So don't feel bad for one second, or things would change if he had money, or wasn't in pain (cuz he can play video games just fine)...he's not a good guy...he's just a dude who hasn't beat up old ladies, or committed felonies. If he was a good guy (and stop accepting any less), he would be doing whatever he could to make you happy!

[DancingFool]

As for breaking up part, that's simple. Call him or e-mail or even text and tell him it's over. You don't need to go into details, you just need to be firm that this is not right for you, he is not right for you and your mind is made up. Decline to listen to and avoid engaging in any debates about it, whining, crying, trying to guilt you (I would put my money on him pulling that one out). Whatever he tries, just firmly repeat that you are sorry, but it's over, wish him well and end the conversation. Stay clear, stay firm. Absolutely do not offer or agree to stay friends or keep in touch in any way. Tell him it's best for you both to move on. That kind of absolute, unwavering clarity is the kindest thing you can do in terms of breaking up.

 

However, what is concerning is that you think he is a good guy when he is quite the opposite. He is not a good guy at all. For one, he is a liar. Think about it - taking out his sister, going to a football game, no pain. You want to go out - oh the pain, the horrible pain. He made a lot of promises to pull you in, when his real plans are to live with sis and collect disability and play all day. This is not a good man or a nice man or anything else such. I think you really ought to take some time to evaluate how you see people and what is actually a good man and what he looks like before you even consider getting involved with anyone again. You were getting treated like dirt, listening to empty words and putting up with garbage for way too long before you decided to walk. Good for you that you did, but still work ahead for yourself - learn to recognize what an actual good man looks like.

[missmarple]

I wouldn't tell him anything about the reasons. That would start a long and painful conversation. I would just email him saying that this isn't working for me and wish him good luck. Nothing else.

[Mesemene]

If you start to weaken, picture your life if you do move in together, with the current status quo of his lack of ambition.

 

His sister would be on your doorstep.

 

You would come home to the detritus of his gaming day, with no chores done.

 

You would find part of your shared income going to his gaming habits - contrary to what a lot of gamers will tell you, the "free to play" games cost more to play in depth than the subscription based ones - and I don't know a single hardcore gamer who doesn't "have to have" some of the cash only options. I play computer games myself - but not on a consistent basis (haven't for several months at this point, too busy.)

 

You don't want to be the third wheel in a theesome with his sister (ick!) which is how it sounds at the moment. And you don't want a grown child to support.

 

Be polite, be civil, but be FIRM. Call him, and just tell him there has been zero progress in everything you've ever discussed that would lead to you guys having a normal relationship, and you won't lose another year to waiting for something that will never happen.

 

Maybe it'll light a fire under his butt and he'll grow up, maybe it won't - but it won't be your headache any more.

[TalkThatTalk9]

well i can probably explain that one....

 

Before this guy I had just gotten out of a almost 7 year relationship with a verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive alcoholic. He left me for one of his friends wives. and I had very low self esteem leaving that relationship

 

this guy tells me every day I am beautiful, tells me how amazing I am, but after awhile it really starts to get to be too much and feel fake.

 

so I think this guy is soooo nice because I went from dating satan to dating a guy who treats humans nice in general.

 

but at the same time my guy now tries to control me just like my ex but in a "nice guy" cover up way. it is no more healthier than with my ex.

 

I am realizing I need a happy middle. this guy acts sweet and nice and lays it on me daily but it is too much, not genuine and it is covering up his insecurities and I see it when I hang with my friends or he notices a passcode on my phone. that bad side comes out.

 

and I think I just settled because I am afraid of being on my own even tho I can't wait to be single. I thought I was ok alone but maybe deep down I am not if it is this hard to cut the ties.

 

I am going to do it by tonite. I just gotta get it over with the relief I am looking forward to gives me all the anwser I need.

[TalkThatTalk9]

he kind of in a way rescued me from the grief of my last breakup. and I think looking back I should of never entered this relationship to begin with. I didn't give myself enough time to discover what I want and what I deserve. Iam trying to take this as a learning experience on what not to accept from men. it is hard though... I care for him in a friend way and I appreciate how he has beeen there for me this past year when I needed someone to talk to but he is not there in any other way a boyfriend should be.

[lavenderdove]

Don't be too hard on yourself... That is exactly what dating is for, to give someone a trial run and see if you are compatible or not. And you've given it enough time now to realize that you just aren't compatible with his level of ambition and independence. And he does indeed have a weird relationship with his sister if he is saying things like he can't move out or she'd be 'mad'... he is WAY too enmeshed with her and it is unhealthy and no need for you to get stuck in the middle of their emotional affair.

 

I think the best way to handle breakups like this is to call him and keep it short... just say you've given it a lot of thought, and this just isn't working for you. You can give him a few strokes by saying you appreciate his kindness (or whatever other qualities you found attractive), BUT when you add it all up, you think your goals and values are out of sync and just won't work in the long run, and that you feel he should be focusing on his own goals like getting a job, going to school etc. while you are in a different life phase now so best for you both to find someone better suited for you.

 

Then let him vent a little, BUT not for too long, and don't get into anything deeper than that. It is enough that you've decided it isn't working for you, and that you've given it sufficient time to see if it would work and it just didn't. If he begs for another chance etc., just tell him you've made up your mind, and that 10 months was long enough together to realize it would never work for you and you just weren't suited. Then tell him you think no contact is best for healing and getting on with your lives, so you won't be in communication with him. Then block him entirely.

 

And don't feel too sorry for him if he reacts badly. He's got his sister, which is his REAL priority as a relationship regardless of what he tells you. They can have a lovely biatch session about you, and they're welcome to it!

[Blue92]

You should not be afraid to breakup with someone just because you sympathize for him/her. I understand you feel like his circumstances are unfortunate and you would be adding onto the list, but you still need to be fair to yourself. Everyone deserves an equal right to breakup with whomever they choose; be it a good or bad person.

 

As for what to say when you breakup, just be honest and say not enough time and effort was put into the relationship and you felt unhappy. You spent more time buddy-budddying it on his couch with his sister than actually spending time as a couple. And that is something that could have/ should have been fixed regardless of having a disability or not.

[peter]

Just my opinion but 28 years old men not working, not studying, not doing anything just taking money from state... I would not take any respect toward him just said him farewell and that´s it.

[pl3asehelp]

Ha, just tell him it's over - he doesn't need anyone to explain why as he's living it. Surprised you or any female was with this guy at all.

[TalkThatTalk9]

thank you guys very much.... you have all been saying what basically my brother has and I feel better and feel i deserve more than what i am getting.

 

when we first started dating he said to me "you will probably break up with me. because of my pain issues, me not having a job, and that I will love you too much"

 

and I said "you don't know that I would never break up with someone over those things"

 

but now here I am.... they are factors in it. but my brother said to me "he said all those things to cover his bases for when you do break up with him so he can throw it in your face he was right and knew it from the start" I think my brother has a point.

 

I really appreciate the advice. it means alot.

[lavenderdove]

The issue is not his 'pain'... if he can sit up all night playing video games and spend half the day doing the same, he could easily sit in an office for 8 hours a day and old down a job. So don't let him guilt trip you on that. I think the real issue is he knows he's living with his sister and she will put a roof over his head and he won't starve, so he has no incentive to get a job. He's never progressed emotionally past the level of a teenager. And you need a real man to be an equal partner, not a lazy boy.

[Tanzi]

Your brother is right. This guy was already manipulating you.

 

It isn't just about his pain issues, or living with his sister or having no job ... it is the fact that he never got his butt off the sofa to try to put these things right.

 

If he knew that he was going to lose you because of these issues, why didn't he make more effort at that point to do something about it? Because he wants you to fit right there into his life without him having to make ANY effort whatsoever and guilt you into staying. That's why.

 

If this was just about pain issues or him having no money I am sure you would be more understanding and appreciative if you knew he was being proactive in addressing these issues but, quite frankly, it's no surprise that you are no longer attracted to a guy who barely leaves his sofa and plays video games all night and sleeps in all day!

 

Don't let him make you feel guilty. This is about his lack of wanting to make things work, not you.

[TalkThatTalk9]

just wanted to thank you all for the advice... I finally worked up the courage to do it last night.

 

he is very upset.... keeps telling me how much he was planning on changing this year. says I am breaking his heart. he doesn't want to stop talking to me.

 

I feel sad, for the loss of my friendship and companionship with him, but I am relieved to have it over with. I woke up this morning and there was less dread in my day inside of me. so that is a good sign for me.

 

sometimes I feel myself slipping thinking "am I making a mistake" I stop myself though. I am making the right choice, this relationship is going now here.

 

so thank you all again.

[Ms Darcy]

"Planning on changing" ... yeah right. You did the right thing! Hugs and block him.

[greywolf]

just wanted to thank you all for the advice... I finally worked up the courage to do it last night.

 

he is very upset.... keeps telling me how much he was planning on changing this year. says I am breaking his heart. he doesn't want to stop talking to me.

 

I feel sad, for the loss of my friendship and companionship with him, but I am relieved to have it over with. I woke up this morning and there was less dread in my day inside of me. so that is a good sign for me.

 

sometimes I feel myself slipping thinking "am I making a mistake" I stop myself though. I am making the right choice, this relationship is going now here.

 

so thank you all again.

 

Good for you! =) You'll be fine without him.