Feeling sad and depressed around girls I'm attracted to

[Utop1a]

Hey guys,

 

This is something that seems to be a recurring pattern in my life. I find a girl I'm attracted to, then when I get together with her I find myself becoming very serious and depressed. It's a lingering feeling of sadness that's making me unable to relax and liberate myself - I start to very closely monitor what I'm saying and doing whilst constantly wondering whether I'm giving a good impression or not. It doesn't take a psychologist to figure out that what's going on here is a fear of rejection and feelings of inadequacy - but the problem is, that those feelings seem to persist very long, even if I got to know the girl well. They do keep getting less and less intense the more time I spend with her but they never truly go away. I dated a girl for about six months, but at no point was I able to completely relax and be myself - I was always more or less afraid of somehow hurting her feelings or getting rejected if I let the "real me" loose.

 

Yes, I know it's completely illogical and I know I'm unable to form a decent relationship with anyone unless I'll be myself, but the problem is that I can't seem to snap out of it. If I knew how to be myself, I most definitely would! There's just something holding me back from relaxing completely - something of an emotional chain - even if we eventually got to know each other pretty well. I just have this odd feeling of sadness and depression whenever around her and especially after I've left her company, constantly being of afraid of eventually getting rejected and worried of the impression I've given her. It's like performing all the time under a magnifying glass and then having to judge your own performance afterwards, thinking what went well and what didn't. When around girls I'm not romantically interested in I don't care that much of the impression I'm giving them - but the instant I find someone to whom I'm attracted I start once again experiencing the aforementioned feelings.

 

And the worst part is that I don't know whether the feelings of sadness are 1) just signs of my intuition, gut feeling or subconscious (whatever you want to call it) simply telling me that she is not my type, or 2) symptoms of an underlying emotional and psychological problem that's making me unable to enjoy the company of _any_ potential future partner, like a severe fear of rejection that just won't go away. I'd like to believe that the first option is closer to the truth, and I sort of do seeing as how I haven't dated too many girls in my life so it could simply be a case of not yet having found a girl I truly "click" with. As I said, it's pretty obvious that I do have a fear of rejection - but shouldn't the fear and shyness and everything go away the more I got to know the girl I'm interested in? And if that is so yet they won't go away, is it just my intuition telling me that "she is not your type"?

 

Any thoughts/similar experiences?

[SooSad33]

Hi UT,

 

Well you're good for your self-awareness...

I think in ways.. especially in the beginning, we're all sitting with a bit of 'fear' of the unknown, whether they truly do likes us, etc.

Everyone see's & feels it differently. Especially if it's been done a number of times to them.

 

Have you been to counselling at all to figure this all out? To get it out verbally to see if they may think there could be an underlying cause or just be an 'insecurity'? Obviously it's starting to concern you, so i'd at least think about seeking some help in this matter.

 

YOU should know within a matter of months, if she's 'not your type'. Then it's time to accept end leave that one.

 

Not sure what to say here, accept the idea of counselling? Are you depressed? Then that should be discussed with your doctor, if so.

 

Think about it.. try not to over do the thoughts & bring yourself down to worthless though.

 

tc

[Utop1a]

Thanks for the reply SooSad33,

 

I definitely haven't ruled out the idea of getting some counseling. I personally think there's an underlying emotion/memory that I keep repressing and it physically manifests itself as self-monitoring and not being able to relax... so I think I'm gonna have to get to the bottom of whatever trauma may linger in my subconscious. And yes, I've been depressed - was quite depressed for the whole autumn. Only lately have things improved - now depression kind of comes and goes, sometimes I feel perfectly fine and sometimes like I've hit the rock bottom. But of course, the amount of contentment in my life is pretty much determined by how well I think I've handled the day's social events, work, etc... (the need for validation and paying too much attention to what other people think, I know) so it most definitely is not a medical condition.

 

There's something in my subconscious that needs to get out and be attended to, and I'm gonna exorcise that little demon or die trying!

[shelty24]

I would say abandonment issues. Did your dad walk out? Did you lose someone as a child?

 

I have a similar problem now. I lost a close relative over 3 years a ago. I have been with my bf 5+years but over the past year I have become increasingly paranoid, insecure and afraid of losing him. I think its due to my relative dying and I am trying to work on it

[tom1607307597]

Reading your thread I felt I had a similar experience as you in the last few years. You'll know if a girl is not your type because you're not happy being with her and seeing her all the time. If not being in a relationship with her would not bother you at all and you wouldn't miss her at all then yes, she's probably not your type. You sound like you don't feel confident in your ability to keep a GF if you got into a relationship. Honestly, do you feel you like you deserve to be happy with a girl? I used to feel inadequate with girls because I thought no girl would want to know the real me, or that I didn't deserve a GF because of all these negative qualities I perceived about myself. Like I'm a bad person, therefore no girl could ever love me... kind of thinking. Focusing on those negative qualities was what created that insecurity in me with dating girls. But the thing is you need to personally believe that you ARE good enough for a girl and that girls can like you for who you are, or you won't be able to relax and you'll display insecurity like you mentioned in your post.