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8 year relationship.. is there still hope?


Aerolicious

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Hello my name is Chris. I just recently 3 weeks ago got into a harsh harsh break-up. I really feel in my heart she's the one for me and that I"m at fault for the most part.. I know relationships are a 2 way street and things could of been fixed sooner... but if you will hear my story out.

 

Just to kind of give you an idea of our background. We started dating 8 years ago... it took absolutely no time at all to fall in love and the first 4 years were beyond magical spending every wavering moment together. I helped her through college studying with her for hours after watching her fail on her own 2 times in a row. I paid for absolutely everything and took absolute care of her - and I had no problem with it at all .. I enjoyed very moment. We hit a rough patch mostly because she had a bad outing with her mother who went through a ministroke - and I didn't know how to react so i stayed and tried to help from a distance.. but it's not what she wanted... she in turn started talking to another guy and it caused a huge fight in our relationship... in which case lead to us going on a "small" break. ***REMEMBER THIS*** - we decided after 5 days of light contact/not spending time together... it wasn't going to work - we did have a really harsh harsh fight as I thought she cheated and for the first time it got semi physical (she hit me numerous times and i reacted once to it.. it wasn't right at all and I'll never touch her again regardless how many times she hits me).

 

4-6 months go by.. I'm starting to develop a new interest till she texts me randomly wanting to hang out. I immediately sparked inside and of course flocked back to her. She had lost like 20 lbs and looked stunning - the sparks flew and things were back to normal. Things have been absolutely amazing but I'll say this about myself... She had now graduated college and made double me - and it started 50/50 on paying for stuff and later more like 70/30 her... as I struggled at times. I planned to advance my career but it never happened due to my own laziness. She definantly spoiled me completely and did all the chores .. shopping ... just everything (after we moved in together) - at first i was trying to jump in but always told that "she's got it". I developed into a nasty habbit of assuming she has it and being extremely lazy. Things were still romantic/amazing and full of love though and we were so happy. I went on to get a bank job and proposed to her... she was so happy / excited - we started planning right away .. even booked our reservation for the place we wanted. We ended up also booking a cruise in between wedding and then.. which apparently was wrong decision.

 

8 months later (3 months ago) things fell apart. I quit my bank job as it was not tolerable .. my manager was stealing from my drawer and playing favoritism and made my life literally hell everyday. I'm a pretty bendable guy and usually can bare through anything - but i definantly hit my breaking point at this job once money went missing and I knew 1000000% it was a manager and they wouldn't review it. Anyways I quit my job and went back to my former job (a server) - my money dipped very slightly but nothing dramatic.. but all of a sudden u could tell the moods changed. She out of nowhere told me that 4 years ago she had to confess she did cheat on me during our mini break.. when we weren't officially over... This highly devastated me and caused many fights and many nights i just didn't want to be around her. We had 2 major fights where I threw out names i wasn't happy about and made claims about wanting something new maybe.. i was so unsure in the head... it was wrong completely and I know i'm a d*ck. Thanksgiving day she tells me we should break up.. doesn't invite me to her parents and goes without me.. she comes back and has tears rolling.. we argue very lightly and then hug and she says she wants to keep trying... We entered december and everything was pretty much like it was 4 years ago.. just having fun splitting stuff up pay wise. me helping around the house... things felt really great and I felt like this could be an awesome change. She did ask me to pick up a 2nd job and what not and I did ask for her to wait out my busy season in december and i'd go for it in january... anyways. Come 2 days before christmas she asks if we can postpone the wedding... I agree as financially i am not ready for it. She cancels it Christmas Eve night while i'm at work... i come home and she says she's depressed/cutting herself and has been having suicidal thoughts... this scares me and starts another fight as she doesn't want me comforting her... we both agree space might be good and she ends up leaving to her dads next day without saying a word . just taking half her stuff and my puppies and leaving.

 

She tells me she's talking to a therapist and doing a psych program (outgoing?) - that we might have to cut communication... i'm against it but at sametime I agree. She contacts me 2 days later saying her therapist wants us to break up for atleast 6 months and revisit it then... she said she doesn't know if she'll follow her therapists opinions but it makes sense. I absolutely at that point don't know what to do as we're on a lease together and I can't afford this on my own... she says we'll have to break it and just have complete communication cut off.... that right now she doesn't want a relationship. I read all the things saying "don't pursue her" - "space is space if she wants it give it to her or you'll push her away" - I knew all this... but of course I listened to friends advice and confessed my love / heartache and tried to convince her it'll all change.. I didn't know how bad it was. She said if i had to get an answer right then.. that its no and its final. this was new years eve. I lasted a good 3-4 days no communication till I ran into her at friends house. She got upset and just left w/ tears in her eyes.. not saying a word to me.. thing is she knew i'd be there... I contacted her 2 days later saying that I don't want problems and I'm sorry - I love and miss her and i'll try to do my best to stay away.. its hard. It's extremely hard btw cause in 8 years she gave up all her old friends and made all of mine her best friends.. they're almost more hers than mine.

 

Anyways... i did do the wrong and wanted contact a few other times due to hearing from friends about stuff that I did not hear about.. I was mad but wanted to hear it from her personally. I heard that she has been planning since the first "thanksgiving" talk to break up - just couldn't figure out when or how to do it.. that she was going behind my back telling people every bad thing about me that she hated - I know them all now .. not from her, but from all my close close friends... I know that she wanted things I didn't see... I know that she wanted me to get back into bank job immediately or to get a better financial job immediately. I knew she wanted me to not argue and hold my tongue more... I approached her not telling her what I knew (all over a phone.. btw this whole break up was over a phone..) - asking to atleast give me closure and see me in person.. she claims she can't do it.. its too hard. that I've pushed her away too far now and she'll never come back..

 

there's more to it than this though.. she's moving her stuff out tomorrow (all of it) - claims she doesn't want me here cause its too hard to see me. I finally had my very first "over" convo - telling her I'm sorry for my mistakes and I plan to be a man and fix myself in time.. That my door is open and she can call/text me if she needs but to not plan to hear from me ever again until then. That I'm tired of hurting and tired of the pain and ready to move on and hope that she can too.. that one day we're both happy again. In return she starts crying as if she is scared to hear this... and says "what if i call you and you don't want to talk to me? will you tell me" - i tell her simply that I don't know what the future holds or what I'll feel but at the moment it'd be unlikely I'd feel that way.. but time changes all... I wished her the best and told her i was deleting her number. and said my good byes.

 

 

This is where I'm at. I currently got 2 interviews for new jobs.. one pays extremeeellyy well and will be a huge life change.. I've entered the gym and started working out daily already losing 12 lbs. I want to imagine a future where I'm happy and strong.. not caring and just being me. Its hard to do it not imaging her by my side.. My heart definantly loves her and doesn't want to let go.. and itll take time to move on - she said several times she just wanted the 6 month break and to try again later... which didn't make sense... I don't know if its depression or what it is.. but the answers don't 100% make sense... I know I have a huge amount of faults I need to fix and can be way better the next time.. With her or not. But she had faults too - she didn't try hard in the bedroom saying she felt unconfident.. for 8 years straight.. it made things... dull. She also had a tendency to hold everything in and never talk with me like an adult... I heard nothing about any of these till these past few weeks... Most i should of been aware of but lets face it - I messed up and became blind/comfortable ... and now I lost her. I know how to fix myself ... as a person - I want to with everything I have.... I don't know how to fix my heart/head atm.. a piece of me just wants to know there's a chance again... and to know "one day she'll probably come back" but it feels like no. I can't sleep and I eat very weak - i just am full of pain / anxiety ... and I just want to move on... I'm just looking for help / advice if anybody has been in my shoes and has ideas..

 

Its just hard to know you were so blind so long - and to love someone and to want to do ANYTHING for them.. but to have never done it cause she didn't speak up.... such small easy things.. I just .. I feel sick and want to be with her again.. Please help!

 

p.s: its SUPER hard cause she absolutely doesn't want to see me in person.. and we have the exact same friends.. more girls in the group than dudes (most couples) so now I'm living alone in an apartment full of memories - no roomate.. just quit and alone. And the nights I see friends tag her on facebook when they're "going" out - makes me sick to the stomach... I want to be there too .. I deleted her facebook... but it doesn't stop from having friends post/go out with her.. they still go out w/ me but not as often as her.. and its just.. its really hard to deal with. Help please!

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When young couples stick like glue for so many years, they may not realize that they hinder one another's growth. It's common for one to feel more suffocated than the other and need to make the break, but it's both people who grieve and then benefit from being untangled.

 

You're on the right track by pursuing the job changes and health habits--keep going. It's natural to grieve, but it's really important to make it a goal to surprise everyone (including yourself) by your resiliency and ability to bounce back and thrive.

 

If the two of you are a meant-to-be deal, you'll both grow in ways you could not while together and then enjoy a reunion someday. That can only happen if you both embrace new lives. On the other hand, if your purpose for one another has been fulfilled, then your attempt to thrive will serve you and move you in new directions.

 

Your grief is understandable--just be careful how you use it. Allow yourself a set amount of time each day to nurse it, but then push yourself toward a private goal each day and trust that this will become easier. It's a decision.

 

Head high.

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I definititely agree on this post.

 

You need to keep on making your own decisions, making changes and hope for the best. And the best could be to reconciliate someday, after a long while in my opinion, or simply to gain enough strengh to move on on your own.

 

Anyway, it's a "win-win" position you need to develop.

 

Believe me when I say this, you'll see things quite differently in a few months of doing just that.

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Sorry to hear of your pains, Aero.

 

I agree with what the other's have said ^^^......

 

This 'loss' will take it's toll on you for the next few months. It's very painful and full of heartache, we understand.

You need to give it all time. Time is all we have. Time to deal with the many emotions of rejection... i know how painful that is..

Yes, you will feel the heartache, lonliness, confusion, denial, sadness. And the anxiety as result. If you find it becomes too much on you, look into seeing your doctor for something to help ease the anxiety for a while. You need your sleep and you need to eat.

 

Good for you at taking steps to better yourself! And as you said, whether you end up being together again.. or not. Look at doing this as well for yourself.

 

As for her? Yes, this could very well be an affect of her depression. Depression can take you down a rough road at times.

 

Give it time.. go with the flow.. on day at a time. Keep working on you, like you are. Try not to shut down though. See if you can get into a hobby, a sport? run.. walk.. etc. Try your best to work on getting back into being yourself.

 

In time you will come to 'accept' what's happened and be able to move on again. Yes, it will take time.

Dont feel you should run out n start dating again anytime soon though- that is not healthy for your own emotional well being. Until you're healed over this. Same goes for being her 'friend'. We cannot be a friend with an Ex until we're over them and all those feelings are gone.

 

One day at a time... take care of YOU.

 

Stick around, you're not alone.

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Might I also suggest... other ways of 'venting', like losing yourself in your music... write your feelings down- get a book- journal. So you dont break down and keep hounding her with emails etc. She knows how you feel for her, but chasing/harassing will not do you any good.

 

Respect is needed here now, from both sides.

 

When you feel that 'urge' or 'need' to contact her.. come here & vent. Write it down.. write her a letter, but do NOT send.

 

Just some idea's as this will come about over the next while, we know...

 

take care

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thank you for all the replies / support. I do plan to take it day to day and move on slowly. hardest part is just having same friends and just.. not seeing it coming. I feel like we def were meant to be but I guess only time will tell.

 

Random little update: she officially moved alot of her stuff out.. she did take several things of mine (one being a pretty big deal like my Big inch TV that I asked her not to take) - she requested I wasn't there because it was too emotionally hard on her and caused her to start from square one with therapist on getting over me/her depression.

 

In the phone convo she unleashed what seemed to be a lot of anger/sadness of having to move out and as if I'm trying to hurt her.. I understand its just emotion but it was suprising considering she has been the one doing the hurting and causing me tons of heartache... but i stayed strong and told her when she's ready she can call/text me .. but to keep healing and becomming happy with herself and I"ll try to do the same...

 

I really hope in the future she's back with me, she definantly felt like my wife to be and I'd of fixed anything to keep it.. but who knows.. maybe miss right will come in the next few months.

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Story of my life...8 year relationship, almost everything you and your ex went through, me and my ex also went through...I wish you the best of luck and that things work out for the better. My ex ended up dating her coworker a month after we broke up in November...

 

What I can tell you is that it gets better each day!

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