Jump to content

Question for people with kids !!


Stephydee86

Recommended Posts

Hey so I have a 3 year old son who absolutely adores my ex ( 2 year relationship) he saw my ex everyday as we were living together saw my ex more then his father. We have been seperated now for 3 months my ex has come and seen him at least a dozen times in these three months , my ex loves my son says to everyone that he loves him as if he were his when we first started dating he wanted to adopt my son as his own if godfather wasn't around , anyways I'm curious as I am on no contact now , if he contacts asking about my son should I reply if he asks to see my son do I let him come by ???? Need advice

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Noooooo.. I wouldn't. If you are no longer with your bf and who isn't this childs actual father, then all is done now.

 

You two are split up, then you're on your own with your son and he continues to just see daddy.

 

Other than the fact he saw your son, as he's a part of you, then he really had no choice. But, now, there's no reason for him to remain in your life, right? I highly suggest you move along in that territory.

 

He does not need to 'come by' to see your son, he's not the father.

 

What happens when or if you become involved again with someone else? Then what?? Suddenly you want this 'ex' bf out of your face.. then there it goes again. The boy has another loss.

 

Best leave all of that alone and move along. He will get over it, he's young.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You do what's best for you and what you want. It doesn't matter how your ex feels about your son, he isn't his father. If you're in no contact then that's what it means, no contact of any kind. Your son is 3 and he obviously got attached to your ex, but you make the decisions about what you want to do.

 

If you don't plan on marrying this guy or having a relationship with him then I really don't see any point in letting your ex see your son.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have kids, but do have nieces and nephews in different situations.

 

If he treated your son like his and is really the only father your son knows, then I think that you should go no contact except when it comes to exchanging property. And I think it would be appropriate in this case for him to see your son - but taper off gradually with that so your son doesn't feel abandoned but learns to be without him bit by bit over the next 6 months or so - so he adjusts - and also gradually amp up the time your son spends with your relatives (particularly uncles) and involving him in playdates or a play group etc, when he usually would be hanging with your ex. You want to transition him - not create an abandonment situation.

 

Also, as much as you don't want to talk to him, maybe lay out this plan with your ex and tell him that instead of the involvement being led by your ex, tell him you would like to plan for him to see your ex, but tapering it off less and less so it is best for the child.

 

I know he is not your child's father, but living with the child everyday - it seems like a divorce.

 

I also think in the future with a child you should not live with anyone unless there is a ring and a date.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have kids, I would say no. He is 3 and will forget about him in time, short amount of time. Then when he is a tween he really wont know what he was/is. When he is a teen he will careless about your BF 10 yrs ago, then when he is a real teenager he will hate you and anything about you LOL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe you can get feedback from adults who experienced this kind of loss as a young child and have some long range perspective and the ability to maturely reflect. My little understanding of grief in young children is that they process loss as only as they are able, but may need to process it at new levels as they gain maturity.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Young children process loss by blaming themselves for the loss. They view the world in a very egocentric way. That is where they are in development. So they figure they did something wrong that made mom or " dad" leave.

 

^^^^^this. This is what I think you need to keep foremost in your mind, OP.

 

I don't agree that the child will forget. I believe the chid will think they are bad or did something to cause your ex to leave their life and leave you and when the next man comes into your life and home, your son may act out as a result.

 

You're going to have to spend a lot of time talking to him and reassuring him that he was not the cause---it's not a one conversation thing, either. Your son bonded with this man and you allowed that bonding to take place. It's going to take a lot of talking--and looking out for when the child is acting out when he can't articulate that he's hurting because his person is gone from his life and he had no power to stop him from leaving.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had exactly the same dilemma as you now have. I was with my ex for 3 years and my youngest daughter was 4 when we first got together. They were like partners in crime. They were besotted with each other I never got a look in when they were together and it did sometimes drive me nuts!

 

When our relationship ended i had a tough decision to make but I think I made the right one and I can honestly say that it has done her NO harm - quite the opposite in fact. I based my decision on the facts that: 1) she already has a father with whom she has a close relationship; 2) she is surrounded by much love, security and stability (she has two older sisters that dote on her); and 3) I didn't think it right that every ex I may subsequently have should pop in and out of her life.

 

I also decided that a clean break is what we ALL needed because, realistically, this was about my ex and I and the awkwardness or resentment that either of us may feel as we move on with our lives could impact on her and that the connection could become a negative one rather than a positive one.

 

There's a whole lot of other details that I won't bore you with but, needless to say, initially she asked a lot of questions and I answered them all. It was evident that she missed him and would try to hide it at times. At other times it seemed she was trying to make up reasons to throw his name about because she wanted to talk about him. I would always talk about him in a positive way … about things we had done together and how much fun it had been.

 

She missed him, that much was evident, but it didn't destroy her or damage her in anyway. Now, she is a happy 8 year, enjoying the growing world around her. She has a best friend with whom she spends a ridiculous amount of time. Even if they aren't together they are skyping, face-timing or emailing each other. I don't think she has room in her life to miss him anymore. She remembers him. She sometimes still talks about him … and it is with a smile on her face. There is no sadness in her life. She has taken it in her stride, so to speak, but I do think a lot is down to how we approached things. I didn't want her to, and still don't want her to, forget who he was and how special he was/is to us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

^^^^^this. This is what I think you need to keep foremost in your mind, OP.

 

I don't agree that the child will forget. I believe the chid will think they are bad or did something to cause your ex to leave their life and leave you and when the next man comes into your life and home, your son may act out as a result.

 

I had this initial concern also. My ex and I ended things quite unexpectedly via email and the last time we saw each other we were very much together. He kissed me and my daughter (who had jumped into bed first thing in the morning) goodbye and that was the last she (and I) ever saw him …. until 6 months later. The fact that we had never seen each other and the fact that he had never said goodbye properly always played on our minds so when we felt ready (or so we thought at the time) I allowed him back in. It was emotional for me and him but I really believe it was good for her. People were against the idea but I had always been concerned that the lasting memory she had of him was one of abandonment. He saw her a couple of times at that point. We spent the days together as we would have normally and created some fresh memories.

 

He bought her toys that she still plays with now. He had dinner with us and he put her to bed. She asked him why we weren't together anymore and how she wished we would get back together. He explained that "Mummy and I are now friends" and that he will always love her and never forget her. (Oh gawd, here come the tears As much as people didn't agree with my decision to allow them to see each other at the time, I think it did her the world of good. She now realises that he didn't just abandon her or stopping loving her or that their has to be a negative ending when a relationship ends and I saw a change in her after those visits. She spoke about him less. She stopped having "quiet moments" when I knew she was thinking about him and it was at that point that she then formed a close friendship with her now best friend at school. I do actually believe that their closeness was stopping her from forming best friends at school because that was how she saw him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What also is critical is how you, OP, handle the change. For 0 - 5 years of age, the child see himself or herself as connected to the parent. It isn't until 5(ish) that a child begins to differentiate herself/himself from her/his parent. Your ex is not the parent, and that makes a big difference; still, at 3 the friendship with your ex is experienced intuitively more than it is experienced logically. He is simply part of the child's life, and that life will change.

 

It is imperative that you have only positive things to say, that you are available to be the rock when the waters of life keep running past. This change in your lives is an opportunity to cement the commitment you have to your 3 year old, and help that young mind build trust because trust is placed in YOU, the only one who is committed for a life time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...