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On a timeline to reach a commitment, or on a timeline to heartbreak?


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Well, after a hiatus from these boards while I have been incredibly happy, I'm back because I've got myself in a situation where I could do with some encouragement and advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He's American and studying in the UK and I'm from the UK but I don't particularly want to live here. He's everything I've ever wanted in a partner, I'm pretty sure I love him but I haven't told him yet. He hasn't said it to me either, but I'm sure I see it through his actions. We've both had bad relationships in the past and are taking things very slowly. We only get to see each other a couple of days a week, but I'm ridiculously happy with him.

 

We've always known that neither of us intended on staying put in the UK beyond the end of 2014, but we'd been good at ignoring that until now. However, after a recent trip home, he informed me that he definitely intends to move back to America at the end of this year. Everything has suddenly became very real and stressful. We talked about it and he said he can't give me an answer about what will happen then or whether we'll be in a position for me to move with him. I asked if he could see himself ever getting to that point and he said he didn't know. After many tearful discussions and assurances that we don't want to break up, the only conclusion we have come to is that we will see how things develop between us and assess when the time comes around. During out last discussion we agreed to try and be positive about it.

 

Am I setting myself for heartbreak here? Should I invest myself emotionally in this? Should I try and ignore it because talking about it just puts a downer on everything?

 

I'm 30 and don't want to invest a relationship if there is a large probability it is going to lead to a breakup in a years time, but I feel like I'd regret it if I didn't try with this guy.

 

I'm so confused. To be honest, I just needed to put my feelings out there. Any advice on how to approach this/experiences would be much appreciated

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whether we'll be in a position for me to move with him.

 

Since you don't want to stay in the UK, can you possibly move to the same city in the US, but get an apartment with some girls? just see how things go at that point, and without the pressure of moving in together?

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If you two really want to be together, moving to the US should not be a problem. Are you sure you want to move? Even if he wasn't going back there? Don't make a choice to move just because the guy is moving. Another thing that worries me is that he isn't actively suggesting you to move there with him. And you still have not said 'I love yous' and are taking things slowly, so I think it may be a bit dangerous to talk about moving together at this stage in your relationship. Are you actually sure he just doesn't see you as someone who is seeing before he goes back home?

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In my opinion it doesn't take much longer than 6mos to make an opinion about whether you can see yourself long term with someone.

I would not like the idea of someone moving to my country to be with me as I think it would increase the pressure on the relationship by 1000. I agree that getting an apartment separate from him would be a great suggestion even IF he suggested you move there.

It sounds like you'd regret not continuing even though you sense some potential heartache ahead so I guess you just have to keep remembering that and go for it.

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I think 6months is enough time to determine whether you see a future together or not. It sounds like your more invested in this relationship then he is so I would be walking away. I think its obvious that hes just not that into you as much as that hurts. Sorry I have to be the one to say it but I don't sugarcoat. At 30, its time to find a serious guy who knows what he wants. Don't waste any more time on this floozy

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Thanks everyone for your responses, I really needed to talk to someone about this, I've literally just spent the last 14hours in bed mulling it over in my head.

 

Not to be defensive, but I do believe this guy is into me. He also gets upset about the whole situation too, and says he wishes he could give me reassurance that things will work out but he knows how quickly things can change in relationships and he wouldn't want to make any promises that he couldn't follow through on in a years time. I'm beginning to wonder though if I am more invested or more ready to take that leap than he is. Perhaps I should just pull back a bit and go with the flow for a while.

 

He was a bit concerned that me coming with him meant he would have to decided to marry me and he (understandably I think) said that was a big decision and a lot of pressure. The suggestions to go separately (I could get a tourist visa I guess while I try things out) were great, thank you.

 

I am still a little concerned that we haven't got to the 'I love you' stage yet, although we are officially 'in a relationship' which doesn't sound like much, but we considered all these factors before deciding to become a proper couple. after your replies I also now have the tiniest niggle that he might keep things going with me even if he believed that it would end when he leaves. I think I need to maybe push this with him a bit? However, he did promise me that if he came to a conclusion it would definitely end then he would tell me. I'm taking the fact that he sat down and had a serious conversation with me about his plans for moving home to be a good sign? He cried at the time and said he'd been scared that I would jump the gun and break up with him now.

 

I still don't know. It's causing me a lot of anxiety but if we broke up pre-emptively I think I'd always regret not trying. Does anyone have any advice about dealing with the anxiety or the situation??

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