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Life/career issues after break up


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Hello, I'm going to attempt to write about some of my problems without mentioning my ex as I have a bunch of other issues that need addressing.

 

I really don't know what's going on in my career or future.

 

I got an acting agent last year and have only had one acting job since. I try and send CV's/demos etc and put on my own plays but I just don't seem to be getting anywhere at all.

 

Weirdest thing is my ex left me because he didn't like me doing the only job I had got, saying he knew I'd be away all the time now. I knew I'd be back to square one. It wasn't even really an acting job it was that small of a job.

 

So I have been doing little part time jobs and now we have moved house (I am living with my mum as I just don't know what I want to do so it's best to play it safe with her for now). But I have to quit my part time job and find another one because of the very long commute I have to my job now.

 

So the future is looking bleak. I am hoping to get a job in a shop or whatever to tide me over, I'm 28, the acting thing doesn't seem to be going anywhere and I have an arts degree that no body gives a **** about in terms of finding paid work.

 

I just don't see any future for me anymore.

 

Before, when I was with my ex, I believed I would just struggle on and it didn't bother me because I had the support from him and I felt happy enough to struggle while with him. Now I just feel completely hopeless and like I have no life and will never have a life.

 

I'm scared for my future.

 

I used to think about the future in a good way before my last relationship but now I can't do it alone anymore. I feel like no one understands me and I will just float away into nothingness and no one will care.

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I am in the same place. Had to give up my flat due to me graduating this month and my ex broke up with me in november. So I had to give up the love of my life, my flat (and also my privacy) to live at home once again and be extremely unsure about the future. I had to give up a lot of certainties in the last couple of months. We can only hope life will work out for us and in the meantime be thankful we got a roof above our heads and food on the table. Hang in there ok !!

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Well its just i dont do very much. And thats bad. Financially i'll be in trouble soon too. When i think of him, just starting university. I get very angry. He's around new people and doing what hes wanted to do with his life for ages a mature student. However he was stressed about it and hes not interested in dating 20 year olds. But who knows now after the way he ended it i wouldnt put much past him. I know i shouldnt "compare" like this but i cant help but think about it. Especially when im doing nothing. Ive been thinking about contacting him recently. Its been 3 months now and i thought maybe in another month or so i might say hi. I just dont seem to be able to forget him or move on.

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Well its just i dont do very much. And thats bad. Financially i'll be in trouble soon too. When i think of him, just starting university. I get very angry. He's around new people and doing what hes wanted to do with his life for ages a mature student. However he was stressed about it and hes not interested in dating 20 year olds. But who knows now after the way he ended it i wouldnt put much past him. I know i shouldnt "compare" like this but i cant help but think about it. Especially when im doing nothing. Ive been thinking about contacting him recently. Its been 3 months now and i thought maybe in another month or so i might say hi. I just dont seem to be able to forget him or move on.

 

 

Sweetie, you need to stop looking for excuses to contact him.

 

"Hi" -- ? Really? What is the endgame you see for yourself by making contact at this point?

 

If you were happy in your life, I doubt you'd be considering going back to someone who was abusive to you.

 

Of course in time you'll get past this breakup and move on.... but it doesn't happen immediately, not for anyone. The first three months is probably the roughest part for most people, but you can't expect to be completely over any relationship this quickly.

 

What are you doing every day to help yourself feel better and move on? Are you exercising hard everyday for the mood-boosting chemicals? Are you getting out of your own head, looking into volunteering and other activities you can do to put yourself out into the world in a positive way? Therapy is helpful, but it's SELF directed, as is focusing on concerns about your acting career. Sometimes focusing on others is more helpful. You were waiting until after the move to start doing these things... but the move is over now!

 

You already know how hard it is to make a living as an actress. What about finding a second fallback career that you actually care about and enjoy? Can you take that arts degree and get a masters and try teaching? A job in some store isn't going to feed your soul. Just my opinion, but I think you need a better Plan B -- something you can get excited about.

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Yeah i agree but i cant afford a masters and i'm still paying back my acting course loan. It is a nice idea though. Shop work does not feed your soul no. I seem to be getting ill a lot so ive not been running lately. Ive been going for very long walks though. Also i think masters probably start in september and thats quite a while away.im quite angry at my ex for taking my life away then leaving me. I made compromises for our relationship and now hes just gone im left with nothing for nothing. I could have been thinking about sorting my life out ages ago but ive spent my time helping him whilst he just got angry at me.

I dont know what contacting him would achieve. I just miss him. I thought it might stop me wanting to contact him though. I just think he will have calmed down now and maybe he'll have had time to think about things.i miss him. He is clearly screwed up but we were very close and it seems a massive shame we might never talk again. I suppose i should just leave him be as he is the one who has hurt me so it should be him who contacts me. I miss being happy with him.it was the happiest i have ever been in my life.

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No one "takes a life away" from anyone else.

 

He broke up with you -- which was ultimately a good thing because he was abusive to you when you were together.

 

I suspect you're seeking comfort from an idealized version of the past, rather than recognize the opportunities that await you in the future.

 

So... excuses aside, what ARE you doing every day to help yourself feel better and move on? I've heard lots of excuses from you... maybe it's time to stop thinking about him and the past, and start thinking about YOU and YOUR life and the concrete steps you can take to move yourself forward?

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Dear cryingalways, throughout the last couple of weeks I have felt exactly the same. I was very angry at her for 'ruining my life' and the future plans we had together. Still I wanted to talk to her, and missed her. Thanks to this forum I now understand she did not ruin my life, I did by committing too much to a person who wasn't equally committed to me. So lesson learned: In the future I will NEVER again let one person be my whole world. If it comes to an end, you're left with nothing. No friends, no hobbies, etc.

 

Also the thinking 'i'll never be happy again' is quite a normal reaction, I have it too, and a lot of people on here say it will go away in time. So we shouldn't panic about that..

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You sound depressed. You should consider making an appointment to see your doctor and discuss the options available to lift you out of this hole. Even just doing this makes you feel positive and that you are doing something constructive for yourself - making a stand. It's free and just talking to a professional can do no harm (provided your doctor is a good one). I did this, having never done so before and it really helped. I walked away feeling empowered and despite the emotional challenges that have arisen since, that feeling is still there. Nothing to lose, it's just about believing you are worth taking care of yourself.

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By the way I had a career crisis in my late 20s - an arts degree and what shall I do? I think it's quite common! I trained as a teacher, and still am (at 38) and do not regret this decision one bit. Whatever you decide that is the work best for you, when you do go for it!

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I dont want to take anti depressants, i did once for a very short time and they make me feel even more panicky and sick. Ive got some very low dose valium but that doesnt really do anything.

I also need to sort out stuff so i can get a doctor here and that could take a little time.

Well i went out last night and played some music at a night and it went down very well. Ive been trying to go out when i get the offer, ive applied for an art competition, been talking with friends,going for walks. But even if i feel happy for a bit i just end up crying soon after.i still have dreams about him and crying in the dreams. I really do miss him. I feel like all there is is nothing now. Even when i go out and have a good time i still miss him. Im very lonely inside even when im with others,its a strange thing.

Ive been looking at the ma courses i think it may be best to wait til next year as most have closed and i need to check for funding first as im really poor and cant get any more loans.i dont even know if i should do an ma. Maybe ill try and further this music thing. I got offered a gig fro

Last night. I started to think id like to do that.but it could be a bad idea as its just like art and acting and not a secure job. But still,i actually enjoyed it

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Now im thinking about contacting him to have a go at him. The way it was left i didnt get angry at him. He just continued to say how i had lots of characteristics that annoyed him. Id like to tell him that every relationship he has he will do this to-as he has before-and that HE is the problem,not me and he has treated me like **** throughout our relationship and is a terrible person who has deep issues and needs help. I wish i had said that and i sometimes feel i might need to.

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Sadly he needs to trip and fall down and get up on his own. If you do all that it'll only confirm the breakup in his mind because even though youre telling him how you feel (the honest truth) he will think that youre just being "annoying". It sucks but the only thing you can do to prove him wrong is live an awesome life. SHOW him he was wrong to leave you! Its not your job anymore to "fix" him you guys aren't dating and i know how hard that is but its the best thing you can do. Time with no contact will let the bad feelings die down and help you both not feel bitterness and anger towards eachother. You wanting to tell him everything he did wrong shows you still want to be with him. I can tell youre a caring person you want to help him and thats a very good trait, but youre moving into the territory of caring TOO much. I would say dont say anything to him and stay strong in NC.

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I agree that i have/do care too much. I just get so angry that he spent the week making prmoises and trying to make me stay with him after id left him house one night as he was getting so bad with his insults and criticisms. I dont understand why he would do that just to then dump me. I guess hes just really screwed up. I know leaving him be is best for us both. I am still feeling so horrible 90% of the time i start to think i need to talk to him i guess. Thanks for your advice,i needed that. I want to be my own person now and am making progress i think.my counselor said i look to protect people when thats what i want someone to do for me. Now i can see it all very clearly. I dont know where these protective men will be found yet but i guess i should sort my own life out a bit more before i date again. I know i just miss being in a close relationship mainly. Bur i helped that boy a lot. And forgave him endlessly. And where has that got me? Im nor going to be so overly loving anymore i think i end up forgetting myself very easily.

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And he was still ing about his ex when we were going out. Ridiculous things like "she hangs around with this friend now" and "she was obsessed with michael jackson" as if they were crimes against humanity...but i dont know how she dealt with their break up. I know she doesnt talk to him anymore is all and left him to pay the rent on his own which he mentioned a few times.anyway. I cant keep going on about stuff like this. Hes bad news.end of. I deserve a lot better.anyone does.

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You sound like a really caring person and trust me those guys are out there, Im on the opposite end of the spectrum of you, I feel like there are no girls out there who are willing to say sorry for the things they do that wrong me it hurts i know what you mean. i would highly suggest reading this thread because it seems youre in a similar situation as me you care TOO much and if i had to put a label on that kind of behavior id call it codependency. I REALLY feel like you should read this

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Ive hadcodependency mentioned to me before. Thing is i wasnt smotheting him,he always wanted much more from me. He used to actually say i had a mental problem where i dont give enough to him.

I guess staying with someone like that is a codependant thing. But i wasnt even interested in him and first, he won me over by being extremely full on and understanding of me when i got ill very early in the relationship. He was the needy one though. He would say things to make me adhere to his needs all the time. Mind game stuff. I wouldnt have got involved but it felt so good to be hugged and paid attention to. I really needed it. I think he knew that. I dont think that means theres something wrong with me. Ive never stayed in a bad relationship before. I was just too weak to go. My brother had died and i thought this man loved me. No one else was showing any interest. I felt i deserved it in some way. But now im back to being alone and far more depressed than when i started. Its pretty soul destroying the whole thing

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It sounds like you miss the attention he gave you.

 

But really, you can get the same kind of attention from someone else -- someone who isn't abusive.

 

There's also other ways of getting attention -- like acting, like performing as a musician, like turning to other guys. Or you can just accept that for now, you won't be getting that kind of outside validation and seek out other ways of feeling better.

 

Being alone doesn't have to equal feeling lonely and depressed. You don't exist only as a reflection in the eyes of an admirer, or an admiring public.

 

Sweetie it would do you good to follow some of the suggestions you've been given on the threads here -- and not just shoot back a bunch of excuses. Seek out a new therapist. Try OTHER anti-depressants -- valium is just a sedative and does nothing to treat depression.

 

There are also natural forms of anti-depressants --intense daily exercise (not just taking walks), herbal supplements (Google sam-E, St. John's Wort, fish oil) and other ACTIVITIES you can do to increase your sense of self-esteem -- things like volunteering, finding new ways of socializing, creating new life goals for yourself.

 

A *good* therapist will help you figure out what you need to do to feel better and support you in taking ACTION.

 

But no -- pining after a guy who was abusive? Trying to reconnect with him? Those are dead-ends and quick fixes.

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Hey sharky.

 

I will make more of an effort to go running. It has been a while...

 

With anti depressants im just scared, as a creative person, as i feel like theyll make me unable to be creative.and thats sort of all ive got that makes me happy.

 

I'll look into those herbal supplememts.

 

I think im just very preoccupied with needing a job and figuring out what im doing with my career in general. I really need the money now though so im gonna have to just do anything while i find a better job. Im not very good at jobs. They stress me out. Im good at acting and creative jobs Though i think.

 

Im stopping my sessions with my therapist next week as ive moved but i dont think i can afford to see another one now. Ill look into it though. My current therapist thinks it was a good move my asking my dad what happened when i was younger that i cant remember. She says its me taking an interest in myself. So weirdly she actually thinks im making progress. I think i do understand things about myself a lot better but the pain of hurt is still there and that needs sorting out.

 

Well at least i havent contacted him. I may really really want to sometimes but ive stopped myself so thats something. My friends and family think ive been very strong not contacting him. Then again these people have all been in bad relationships themselves. They also occasionally tell me i shouldcontact him. My mum for some reasob thinks it woulc help. I have to try and explain over and over that as much as i want to what good would it do? I think she wants me to just be put out of my misery and talk to him. I suppose its a strange situation to a lot of people.

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Depression doesn't equal creativity. It just makes it harder to function -- in every area of your life.

 

I'm a professional writer and have used anti-depressants at different times in my life, and know other extremely successful creative people who have used them as well.

 

I think your therapist is settling for very little, given the kind of posts you've been writing lately. Ultimately, though, it's YOUR responsibility to move on with your life and not settle for another person's idea of progress. Just my opinion, seen from the outside, but you don't seem to be coping with this breakup as well as someone who has the help of a therapist ought to be coping.

 

Many times the people in our lives -- friends and relatives -- are clueless about breakups and recovery. They love us and want the best for us -- but, like some therapists, can sometimes just tell you what you want to hear. Again: it's YOUR responsibility to make healthy choices. Given what you've read on this site and others like it, obviously No Contact is the healthiest way to heal and move on from most relationships, especially abusive ones.

 

I agree you need a new life plan that includes doing things you can throw yourself into and feel excited about -- not just one thing, but several. I think you need ways of feeling good about yourself and your life that don't hinge on romance or public approbation, but on feeding your own soul and doing things you care about. Finding satisfying ways of expressing yourself creatively -- like performing or playing music or making artwork -- but also looking to a better way to earn money -- and then doing other things besides that to enhance your self-esteem, like volunteering and working out and getting active in causes you care about that are bigger than just yourself and your own life.

 

Just my opinion, anyway.

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I just heard from others that anti depressants make you loose some of the obsessive energy you get with creative ideas etc? I may have that wrong but it's just something friends have told me who've taken the pills. Also I am a bit scared of pills in general. I tend to get panicky about drugs in general (my younger days of medalling in this area were always a disaster!).

 

Yeah I think I agree with you on the therapist settling for little. She definitely has made me see things clearer though. I understand the bad choices i have made in my love life now and am making an effort not to repeat these patterns anymore by noticing my thoughts and where they're coming from, and that's spreading out into how I deal with friends and my life.

 

I just still get extremely emotional about it all. I am calmer now, for some weird reason sitting at my desk in my room is making me feel better about life. I have missed having a desk for years and now finally having one is very satisfying. Also, I went for a walk with my brother and we had a chat about some stuff and that was nice. I would like it if he did more things with me. He always seems to be off with his friends, busy. He is younger than me.

 

Yes, I remember what friends were like when my brother passed away...they just don't know what to do. It is similar now. I get a lot of people trying to be tough with me and tell me hard truths but it just makes me feel worse. I don't want anymore hard truths, I've had enough of them. I just want some enjoyment. A break from feeling sad all the time. A life.

 

I'm working on the life plan. And yes, I think several things to do would be good.

 

I keep panicking that I am living at home with my mum. For some reason it makes me very angry. I think I hate that I can't survive on my own in the world.

 

I'm a pretty worried person a lot of the time though and I do over worry things until they get me to an insane point where I feel suicidal lately.

 

I suppose these things take time and I was always more invested in my relationship before and worrying about my choices for everything because he might not like it, this is something I can say now but at the time i would have said he just cared a lot about me or something...

 

So I suppose I'm starting over now and it's not been very long. I think I'm always worried about not achieving the goals I want in life like having a relationship, being an artist, actor etc so I'm always in this state of trying to get these things quickly, now. But that's not how things work. I just can't turn this weird panic I have off a lot of the time. It's like I'm worried I'll die so I need these things now. In some areas of my life this has been a good thing to have but in a lot of other areas it's bad. I feel like I'm running out of time always. Yes, that's exactly it.

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I just thought I'd say that I've been going for long runs along the sea for the last two days and it has lifted my mood. So thankyou for mentioning it to me.

 

I have also been trying to get a better job (not just a cafe one). I don't know if I will get it but it felt good to try.

 

And then I also dressed nicely when I went to ask about this job and did the same today and I have had a fair bit of flirting on the streets from men which has been nice. Some teenagers actually wolf whistled me today. And I just noticed a bunch more looks, you know? So it's just nice because it makes you feel like being in a relationship might happen one day. People do want me.

 

There's a guy I've seen each day I've been running too who cycles the same time and he smiled at me both days, today was quite a purposeful smile I felt. So that has been nice too.

 

Anyway, I've also made a decision to put some weight on. I've lost over a stone in the last 3 months and my bras all don't fit me and I am really quite thin now. I was thin before, now I'm really thin...so I am making an effort to eat now which has helped me in trying to stay positive. I can't eat if I am sad so I have to make myself positive for myself.

 

It's funny how something as simple as going running, wearing a nice outfit and making an effort to eat more can make me feel so much more positive.

 

I also got a call from a friend who was very upset and had just had her bf be horrible to her and she wanted to know if she was in the wrong about not being sensitive enough to her controlling bf's "needs" before he stormed off from her. I was exactly the right person to call! But it just made me realise I'm really not alone and I suppose in some twisted way it was nice that someone thought of me when they needed help. I haven't felt that needed in a long time. I'm not sure if that's a bad thing, maybe a bit codependent still there? My counselor did say to me once that I crave vulnerable situations, which is why I stayed in an abusive relationship and why I have made several choices in life. Or maybe it was just nice because I could really relate to it and I haven't spoken to my friends about this stuff in a while as I thought they must be really sick of me talking about it. I'm not sure. But I know it must mean my life is a bit empty if I felt good about being needed by her.

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