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I don't trust my bf


pixiexx

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Hi I am new to the forum, thanks in advance for taking the time to respond.

I just don't trust my boyfriend and wanted some opinions on whether I'm being paranoid or not...

The reasons I don't trust him are as follows

He put a password lock on his phone, even though I have never gone through his phone before.

He takes his phone everywhere ie the toilet, he'll spend a good hour up there with it.

He spends all his time on his phone, he'll read messages and get this goofy grin on his face when he reads them.

He'll distance himself from me, talk to me like dirt, if I rise to it, I'll be accused of starting an argument to which he'll use it as an opportunity to remind me I'm living under his roof and that he can throw me out whenever he pleases.

He admitted to having an active dating site 8 months into our relationship.

When I approach this, he gets angry at me and says he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust him.

 

I don't believe he is physically doing anything as he just wouldn't get the time, but I believe he is getting some kicks out of talking to women online....

 

Otherwise he treats me well, when things are good they truly are amazing, but it can all go downhill so quickly and it feeds my paranoia... That when thing's are bad I jump to the conclusion it's cos he's talking to other women.

 

Any opinions would really be welcome.

 

Thanks x

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Those who have nothing to hide, have nothing to conceal.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to privacy, he does. Everyone has different comfort levels with privacy.

 

However, THAT level of protecting his phone seems odd to me. And often people get defensive like that when they are trying to hide something.

I always think having to take your phone to the bathroom EVERY time is a huge red flag.

 

You have two choices: Let it go and just trust him or talk to him about it. Knowing of course that if you do talk to him about it, he will probably get defensive. If you choose to talk to him, bring it up in casual and non-accusatory way. " Hey, I noticed you put a password on your phone. What's up with that?" I'd say that if he reacts in the extreme, it could be possible that he is hiding something.

 

The problem with trust issues is always this- You can never watch/be around someone 24/7. So then really it boils down to, "Do you trust them or not?" If not, you may want to ask yourself why.

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He is really amazing except for when he treats me like dirt, talks down to me, threatens to throw me out onto the street, and when he is cheating.....lol..... How exactly do you define amazing because that sure is not my definition of it.

 

It does sound like he is involved with someone else. Even if not physically, then definitely emotionally. Personally, I'd look at that as he has cut a new filly from the herd and if he is not riding her yet, he will be soon. Your relationship is not wonderful or amazing and it has big problems. Time to take off the rose colored glasses here and decide what you want to do - leave him, try to work on what the problems are and rekindle the passion for each other so his interest turns back to you, or turn a blind eye. Your life, your choices.

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My opinion is that your first order of business is to move out and find your own place where you will never live under the threat of being thrown out on the street. That was the one thing out of all of the above that you should have gotten a move on the moment he said it, not obsess about not being able to get at his phone.

 

The second thing you should have gotten a move on about was him being on dating sites 8 months into your relationship. He's not invested in it if he's on dating sites. He probably is getting kicks out of talking to women online---and? You stick around, which tells him that you're really not all that bothered by it. You'll complain, then you'll pipe down when he tells you you can find someplace else to live... yet you remain.

 

Having said that, though, he has a right to his privacy. He has a right to lock his phone to keep you off of it. He's not your child. Clearly, he is very invested in his social media and doing whatever he does on his phone. I'm sure you knew that before you moved in with him.

 

If you dont' trust your boyfriend, why are you with him? Why are you with a guy who talks to you like dirt? Do you actually enjoy that kind of treatment? A guy who is truly amazing doesn't treat you like that--and if you believe yourself to be amazing, you wouldn't tolerate being treated any way but amazingly.

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Agreed that if you have nothing to hide - then you don't need a PW or even take it with you. The fact that you are evening questioning anything should give you an idea that you don't trust him and without trust there is nothing. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life then to have to live like that. Just saying.. Good luck.

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Break up with him. All the signs of cheating are there-secretive, talking down to you, getting defensive, accusations about you not trusting him etc

 

If he had nothing to hide-he would give you the password on his phone and try to reassure you knowing you are paranoid-not throw a tantrum and threaten to kick you out fir asking a reasonable qs.. that is a huge sign of GUILT

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He'll distance himself from me, talk to me like dirt, if I rise to it, I'll be accused of starting an argument to which he'll use it as an opportunity to remind me I'm living under his roof and that he can throw me out whenever he pleases.

He admitted to having an active dating site 8 months into our relationship.

 

Trusting your bf is the least of your problems. Why do you want to be with someone like this?

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Thanks for ur advice everyone.

He says the reason he gets so angry is that I accuse him of being unfaithful when he's done nothing wrong, to a degree I understand that. His excuse for taking his phone to the loo is that he plays on his game whilst having a number 2, he says he never looked at his dating site a good year before we got together.... The question is do I just believe him or carry on this mistrust. The problem is that he has done things for me no other man has done, bought me flowers, taken me away for Valentine's day, taken me out for meals and supported me. I do have my own place, a mortgage which I couldn't afford on my on, it was his idea that I move in with him and rent my place out to help me... Maybe this I'd all me I don't know what to believe, things changed when I moved in with him, he's never lived with someone before or had a relationship longer than a year, perhaps hes bored or it's all in my head....

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The question is do I just believe him or carry on this mistrust.

 

How is the mistrust thing working for you? Do you like the person you have become because of mistrust? Are you more invested in the mistrust because you can't support yourself on your own and need his help in order to afford your own life?

 

The problem is that he has done things for me no other man has done, bought me flowers, taken me away for Valentine's day, taken me out for meals and supported me.

 

He's also

He put a password lock on his phone, even though I have never gone through his phone before.

He takes his phone everywhere ie the toilet, he'll spend a good hour up there with it.

He spends all his time on his phone, he'll read messages and get this goofy grin on his face when he reads them.

He'll distance himself from me, talk to me like dirt, if I rise to it, I'll be accused of starting an argument to which he'll use it as an opportunity to remind me I'm living under his roof and that he can throw me out whenever he pleases.

He admitted to having an active dating site 8 months into our relationship.

When I approach this, he gets angry at me and says he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust him.

 

I dunno---the stress of living under the threat of being tossed out on the street when speaking truth to what he is doing kind of negates flowers, a Valentine's Day trip and dinners.

 

I do have my own place, a mortgage which I couldn't afford on my on, it was his idea that I move in with him and rent my place out to help me... Maybe this I'd all me I don't know what to believe, things changed when I moved in with him, he's never lived with someone before or had a relationship longer than a year, perhaps hes bored or it's all in my head....

 

Sell your place and find something else that you can afford on your own, even if it means you have to rent for a while or take in room mates.

 

It could very well be that you two are not as compatible as you'd like to believe. There are men out there who have no problems with you having all access to their phones, do not have it glued to their side, don't take it with them wherever they go, aren't on dating sites, don't get verbally combative and tell you they can throw you out when it suits them AND they'll buy you flowers, take you away for Valentine's Day, take you out for meals and support you, too.

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I agree, if he gets angry - he has something there, so he tries to keep you away from that by threatening you you will get homeless, and by getting angry and defensive.

If he loved you and respected you and had nothing to hide - he would unlock his phone and show it to you, so you have nothing to worry about.

The thing with him reminding you constantly he can trow you out anytime he wants is just sick. Plain and simple manipulation. He uses fear to get it his way, to shut you up when you start having reasonable doubts about his loyalty and your relationship doesn't seem healthy for me at all.

Find your own place and move out of there. He can "play" on his phone or do his "number 2" all alone then, with nobody to piss him off. What an a-hole! You deserve better, girl.

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He is really amazing except for when he treats me like dirt, talks down to me, threatens to throw me out onto the street, and when he is cheating....

 

 

Yeah, you definitely beat me to the punch, here.

 

Amazing guys don't treat you like this. Period.

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My opinion is there is no "he treats me really good" to this relationship unless you count him turning his attention to you from time to time as "good." Change your definition of a good relationship, dump his sorry cheating butt and get out while you still have a shred of respect left. And any time someone talks down to you the relationship is already dead, you just haven't caught on yet that you're stuck with an emotional abuser as well as chronic cheater. Go stay at a friends or move back home or do whatever you have to, to get out of his house and clear out while he's gone to work taking everything with you.

 

Never look back. You'll be amazed one day at why you ever put up with this fool and no it's not love keeping you there, it's fear.

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Thanks for ur advice everyone.

He says the reason he gets so angry is that I accuse him of being unfaithful when he's done nothing wrong, to a degree I understand that.

 

I have gotten angry when people have accused me of cheating when I wasn't doing anything of the sort.

 

However, I would never have spoken to those people the way your bf speaks to you. If he feels wrongly accused by you, he can speak to you about it like an adult, or he can leave the relationship if you are not responsive to those discussions.

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I have recently got out a relationship where he acted like this...do yourself a favour and get out is my advice..i actually looked on his phone as my paranoia got so bad and found what i needed to kick him out...it is so peaceful and like a weight is off your shoulders once paranoia is gone even if initially you are sad/upset

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Regular guys don't treat you like this. Period.

 

Fixed.

 

Also, what DancingFool said x1000. It's not even a fidelity issue; if he's treating you like dirt with impunity, that's reason enough to get out asap.

 

Phone locking is fine.

 

Spending an hour in the toilet with it means he's probably playing games or having a pull.

 

Turning a lack of trust for him into a judgement of you hints at him deflecting so you don't look too closely, depending on how you approached the issue.

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If this is the first time you've ever had a guy buy you flowers, take you to dinner and remember Valentine's day then you are dating the wrong men. And this guy is one of them too, he's just able to go through the motions to manipulate you better where the others didn't even feel like bothering to do so. This is one of those moment where you really have to examine why you keep ending up with men who clearly do not love you and worse, are like this guy threatening you whenever you say something he doesn't like. A man who loves you who is a good man won't do that. Ever.

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Please take a look at my thread:

 

 

 

Your guy reminds me a lot of my ex. I lived under his roof at one time & when we'd get into heavy altercations, he'd threaten to throw me out. Your guy is cheating, plain & simple. If not physically, then emotionally & the reason I say this is for these reasons:

 

- He has a lock on his phone & spends an hour in the loo w/ his phone on him. Why should you have to take your phone to the bathroom with you? A huge red flag indicator. Also, if he didn't have a lock on his phone before, but does NOW, would leave me feeling suspicious. My ex did just this. He didn't have a lock on his phone before, but does now. He said the reason he put a lock on it is incase it gets lost or stolen. (Yeah right, I KNOW better. It's b/c he has full knowledge of me going through his phone -- more than once -- && knows that there's that chance of me going through his phone again & finding all kinds of stuff... i.e. convos between him & other women via text, pictures of other girls in his Gallery, etc.)

 

- He is on dating sites. (My ex would make the same excuse "I don't go on there anymore" or "I haven't used that site in ages" ....... YEAH, RIGHT! Lol LIES. LIES. LIES! Or maybe he really is telling the truth-- maybe he joined a long time ago & forgot all about it-- another excuse my ex used. Smh Trust your gut feeling & listen to your intuition. I listened to mine & it turned out I was right. (He was emotionally cheating on me w/ MeetMe.com (a dating site); had joined Zoosk, Skout, and was even on sex sites such as AdultFriendFinder.)

 

- He gets defensive & accuses/blames you, having full knowledge that he's the one who's doing dirt, not you.

 

(Sorry so long!)

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