Best way to make a guy understand I will not seriously date him?

[greta96]

I made a post the other day about whether I should hang out with a guy even though I know I don't want a relationship with him. Actually I don't want a relationship with anybody at least this year, I have too much going on in my life right now, I have to deal with stuff from a previous relationship, to put it simply, I'm not at the right place in life for committing to a relationship and regardless who I meet, I won't be able to date him at least until a year from now. Besides I like my life as is, and I enjoy spending my weekends with my friends (that's the only time I have free anyway).

 

Upon meeting, I told this guy that I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but because I don't want to go into too personal stuff with strangers, I just said I wasn't over an ex and left it at that. He said "ok" and still pursued me. I repeated it to him a few times to make sure he gets it, and he said "no problem I'm not looking for anything serious either". But the fact that he keeps coming after me makes me think he hopes I'll change my mind.

 

I know I won't change my mind, but I am attracted to him and wouldn't mind something very casual. Now he has my number and I expect him to contact me to see what I'm doing this weekend. Next time I see him, I want to have a serious conversation with him, to make things clear - where I stand, what he can and cannot expect. How should I put it, to be 100% sure he really gets it, and if he chooses to still stick around, it's on him, and if he gets hurt I won't be to blame? I want to still be able to go out with other guys without feeling like I'm cheating, and I don't want to have plans with this guy every weekend.

 

I've never done casual before and I'm at a loss for words, I really don't know how to proceed.

 

What do you say to someone to make them understand you won't be in a relationship with them?

[missmarple]

Well, I've never been in a situation like yours but, I imagine, if you tell him you'll only see him when you feel like it and you'll still be going out with other guys, it will be pretty clear it won't be a relationship.

[DancingFool]

You make it clear by not stringing him along saying one thing but then doing another and going out on dates with him. If you know he wants what you don't, then you simply cut off contact and toss him back into the pond. If you just want to play and date around, then seek out players seeking same. What you don't do is string along someone who you realize is not on the same page as you. Besides, when you are just into playing, finding those red hot players and having a hot fling is so much more fun than dealing with a whiny guy who is trying to convert you into a girlfriend.

[greta96]

You make it clear by not stringing him along saying one thing but then doing another and going out on dates with him. If you know he wants what you don't, then you simply cut off contact and toss him back into the pond. If you just want to play and date around, then seek out players seeking same. What you don't do is string along someone who you realize is not on the same page as you. Besides, when you are just into playing, finding those red hot players and having a hot fling is so much more fun than dealing with a whiny guy who is trying to convert you into a girlfriend.

 

But how can I really know what he wants? He always says he doesn't want anything serious either, so based on what he tells me it should be fine. But how can I make sure he doesn't only tell me what he thinks I want to hear, to keep me around?

Edited to add...it's just my gut feeling that he deep inside doesn't want casual...despite what he tells me to my face.

[lavenderdove]

No, no, no, no. If you know he really wants you and his heart is involved, do NOT start anything 'casual' with him... this board is FULL of people who are in FWB situations where their hearts are being ripped apart while they patiently wait and hope the other person will fall in love, when it is clear that that is never gonna happen.

 

If you care about someone, you do not put them in a position where there is a high likelihood of them getting very hurt. And if you know for sure you will never have feelings, then don't use the person like that.

 

If you're not ready to date yet, then don't date. And I've even dropped guys as friends if I felt they were crushing too much on me and had a bad case of unrequited love, because I knew I'd never feel the same way back, and thought it was the kinder thing to do to set them free to find someone who did really want them.

 

Always err on the side of kindness!

[greta96]

No, no, no, no. If you know he really wants you and his heart is involved, do NOT start anything 'casual' with him... this board is FULL of people who are in FWB situations where their hearts are being ripped apart while they patiently wait and hope the other person will fall in love, when it is clear that that is never gonna happen.

 

If you care about someone, you do not put them in a position where there is a high likelihood of them getting very hurt. And if you know for sure you will never have feelings, then don't use the person like that

 

That's what I'm trying to avoid. It would help if he told me exactly what he is feeling, I mean, if he said he was looking for something serious, I wouldn't even consider seeing him again. But when I say "I'm not looking to date seriously" and his answer is "neither do I"...what can I do?

[browneyedgirl36]

You should stop seeing him. He's just saying he's OK with nothing serious because that's all you're offering and he doesn't want to lose you. I say this as someone who did just that - not wanting to scare the guy off, so I pretended I was OK with just "seeing each other" and not making it an official relationship. Needless to say, it ended in heartbreak for me. No matter how many times he said, "I'm not looking for a relationship," I thought I could change it, especially because the chemistry was really there and when we were together, we had a GREAT time.

 

I can guarantee you if you start seeing him regularly, he's going to come to think you're "together," regardless of what you're saying. People will believe your actions before they'll believe your words, generally, so if you're doing relationship-y type things, like going out on dates, snuggling on the couch watching movies, hanging out with each others' friends, spending weekends together -- that's a relationship, or at least, he has every reason to THINK it is, regardless of what you're saying.

 

I think this whole thing is a bad, bad idea. You should probably put a stop to it before it goes any further.

[greta96]

That's exactly what I'm afraid of.

I'll probably sit him down next time I see him and have a heart to heart with him, away from people and noise. I won't tell him all of the personal reasons for my choice not to date at the moment, but will try my best to be clear and not leave any hope. Then it's his choice.

[lavenderdove]

You can err on the side of kindness. And trust your gut feeling... is this a guy who can really engage in a FWB situation with no feelings involved, or do you think he is really looking for more but agreeing to anything you suggest just because he is so hot to try to get his foot in the door and have a chance at you?

 

There are some real players who love the idea of FWB and are very good at it because they can easily separate emotions and sex, but most people can only do that to some extent.

 

You could try it with him and see how he behaves, and NOT do any kind of dating things with him (i.e., just hook up and bounce him out of bed again). If he acts upset when you tightly control the time with him and don't do anything 'coupley' together,or pushes to see you more often, then he's not being honest about his emotions and you should cut it off.

 

The people that I know who do FWB successfully usually have very strict rules, as in they see each other rarely (maybe once a month) and mainly have sparse contact and usually just to set up a hookup. And they don't do sleepovers or a lot of cuddling... they are pleasant to one another, but keep it about the business of just hooking up and not anything that might be interpreted as a 'relationship.'

[DancingFool]

But how can I really know what he wants? He always says he doesn't want anything serious either, so based on what he tells me it should be fine. But how can I make sure he doesn't only tell me what he thinks I want to hear, to keep me around?

Edited to add...it's just my gut feeling that he deep inside doesn't want casual...despite what he tells me to my face.

 

Your gut is right. Also, look at his actions. If he is acting like you are dating or in a relationship, then that's what he is really after despite all the lip service. Calls regularly, arranges dates in a timely fashion, etc. He cares about what you think, what is convenient for you, etc. It's the antithesis of a player, who will come on hot and strong, will be a hoot and a barrel of giggles, wine and dine you and bed you and disappear conveniently until another time if you are both up for some fun again or not.

[greta96]

You can err on the side of kindness. And trust your gut feeling... is this a guy who can really engage in a FWB situation with no feelings involved, or do you think he is really looking for more but agreeing to anything you suggest just because he is so hot to try to get his foot in the door and have a chance at you?

 

There are some real players who love the idea of FWB and are very good at it because they can easily separate emotions and sex, but most people can only do that to some extent.

 

That's what I'll do. The thing is, I don't know him at all, so I don't know what type of guy he is, but usually players don't really put too much effort to chase a woman who doesn't give them much reason to, they move on to easier prey. That's why I don't think he's a player...but I could be wrong. Only one way to find out...

[greta96]

Your gut is right. Also, look at his actions. If he is acting like you are dating or in a relationship, then that's what he is really after despite all the lip service. Calls regularly, arranges dates in a timely fashion, etc. He cares about what you think, what is convenient for you, etc. It's the antithesis of a player, who will come on hot and strong, will be a hoot and a barrel of giggles, wine and dine you and bed you and disappear conveniently until another time if you are both up for some fun again or not.

 

Well it's too early to tell, he still hasn't called me even once, therefore he didn't arrange any date. We didn't even have a proper conversation, it was all rushed as I was with friends every time I bumped into him. I guess I'm trying to be proactive, but I do think I need to talk to him seriously first.