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Help! Need advice on how to talk to hubby about our sex life!!


PallidusRegina

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My husband and I are having problems in the bedroom. I am attracted to him, but I do not want to have sex with him anymore. Anytime we do, it is ALL about him, there is never any foreplay, and it is very rare that he tries to please me after his needs have been met. It always feels like we're just having sex - there isn't ever any love making. He doesn't pay attention to what he is doing, and a lot of times ends up hurting me. I will say or do something to let him know, "Ow! That hurts! Please stop doing that!" but the next time we have sex, it's like he completely forgot and goes back to not paying attention. The only time he wants to talk about it is AFTER we have had sex, and then he sits there and badmouths/ insults me the whole time, saying that I'm not attracted to him and I want someone else, or that I'm "obviously not into guys". I would love to initiate and for us to have sex more often, but I know the moment I say anything about my issues he will just say I am making excuses and get angry.

 

I'm depressed, and I don't know what to do. I don't have any friends to discuss this with, because my husband and new born daughter require all of my time, nor do I have any family members, so it makes it worse for me knowing I have no one I can go to for advice about this.

 

I love my husband very much, but because of his lack of attention for me and how little I enjoy myself, I just don't have a libido anymore. Sex is no longer fun and exciting for me.

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That's what they do. Instead of accepting responsibility for being lazy lovers, they'll either tell us we are lesbian or asexual. You're not the first person to hear that. When my friend left her husband, he told everyone she was a lesbian, lol. So sad.

 

You've got to be less passive. Take back your sex life. Be the one to initiate, get on top, boss him around, go down on him to get him in the mood and then tell him no cookie until you get yours.

 

I know is hard when you're not feeling it but its better than lying there, getting brutalized while you think about the laundry.

 

And you have to get some friends! Take your kid out and go meet other moms and kids! Once you start talking to them and finding out how few of them are actually having sex with their husbands, you'll realize how normal you are.

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I think you need to fix your relationship before you fix your sex life. The fact that he bad mouths you the way he does is immature and uncalled for. Marriage counseling would be my best advice. He obviously cares more about himself then he does you, and who wants that in a marriage?

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I don't think he's trying to insult you web he says you're not attracted to him. He is looking for reassurance.

 

If a man told you after having sex with you:

The only time he wants to talk about it is AFTER we have had sex, and then he sits there and badmouths/ insults me the whole time, saying that I'm not attracted to him and I want someone else, or that I'm "obviously not into guys".

 

You'd take that as pillow/lovey-dovey talk? Really?

 

He's not looking for reassurances. Saying "was I able to please you this time? What can I so that you feel as good as I do?" is being reassuring.

 

He doesn't care and that's what OP's problem is. Why he is so angry with her to the point where he doesn't care that he's hurting her, physically and emotionally, is what needs to be rooted out.

 

OP, was he always this rough and callous? Did he become this way once you became pregnant? Was he this way while you were carrying the baby?

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Maybe I misread the post. I didn't think he was being violent. If a guy isn't careful he can ram it in too hard and hot your cervix, or if you're dry (which usually is the case when you're not feelin' it), it can start to hurt or not go in properly.

 

Maybe we need clarification as to whether he is just being clumsy/clueless.

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Well, clearly you are not getting your point through to him so you'll have to take other action to show him that he's not arousing you when he's hurting you.

 

Don't just ay "ow that hurts" I'd stop, get out of bed and tell him kindly that what you were both just doing doesn't do anything to facilitate your orgasm so let’s start slow again and try "this" (make "this" your own favorite position).

 

When you talk to him about this situation, you want to do it in a way that he doesn't get defensive and using your *I* words to communicate will keep it about your feelings rather than his inadequacies. The link below explains about *I* words, hopefully it will help you with your communication affectively.

 

Get some couples porn as well, it’s more romantic rather than the horrible stuff that is geared towards young men that teach them all the WRONG ways to make love. It sounds to me that he's grown up on it and doesn't have a clue how to actually make a woman truly aroused and thereby is missing out on his own feelings of arousal that satisfying your partner brings out in a good lover.

 

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Allow me to elaborate when I say he is hurting me -

 

A lot of times, he does just "ram it in". There is no petting, caressing, no waiting to see if I'm ready. When he is on top (which is ALL OF THE TIME, because it's what he likes), he is constantly pressing his hands extremely hard into my shoulders/chest/thighs. I've expressed to him before that he needs to be more gentle, ESPECIALLY downstairs after having the baby (I gave birth all-natural, and there was some serious damage. It took the doctor quite a while to stitch everything back up, and a very long time to heal). He listened to me at first, but the second or third time we had sex again, he just went back to doing the same things.

 

ThatWasThen, he WILL NOT watch porn - not even romantic stuff. Before me, he really only had 2 or 3 serious relationships, and a whole slew of one-night stands. He likes to tell me that I am the first person he has really ever enjoyed having sex with, but if that was so, wouldn't he want to try harder to see that I'm satisfied? I love giving back, even if he wasn't focused on me every single time we have sex. But since he never gives, only takes, I have lost the desire to give.

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My husband sometimes hurts me too. He wears this bracelet that always starts pressing into the top of my head when he's near climax. I now remove the bracelet before we do the deed. I hate the sudden thrusts. Don't know why they do that. You have to just train that stuff out of them. They'll never learn if you don't beat it into them.

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Sounds like rape to me. You aren't consenting to this and he's doing it anyways. He has NO consideration for your feelings. The fact that you had extensive damage during child labor and he doesn't even take that into account tells me he is a selfish man. You shouldn't have to remind him of this every time.

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Talk to him bluntly about what you need when you two are not just about to have sex and are both calm and in a good space. Don't take an accusatory tone, but be more practical in terms of telling him bluntly that you need this and this but not that or that.

 

After that, you will need to start enforcing it with your actions. Next time he just goes at it the way it does not work for you, you stop everything cold. He will get the message then loud and clear.

 

It's no use making comments, if you don't actually follow through with actions and keep suffering his nonsense. You talk, but then your actions indicate that you don't mean it. So all he hears and blah blah blah whine whine whine....she is just being a woman.... Your words and actions have to match for him to get the message.

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Why would any woman marry a guy who has had a "slew of ONS"? That is kinda obvious he has little respect for women and is a selfish lover and a possible future cheater..

 

Anyway has sex always been this way? If yes, again why did you marry him?

 

You should have demanded from the beginning that he satisfies you and then dumped him after 3months if he failed to do so..

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Why would any woman marry a guy who has had a "slew of ONS"? That is kinda obvious he has little respect for women and is a selfish lover and a possible future cheater..

 

Anyway has sex always been this way? If yes, again why did you marry him?

 

You should have demanded from the beginning that he satisfies you and then dumped him after 3months if he failed to do so..

 

A popular mistake is to believe the past has nothing to do with who a person is in the present. People advocate for this all the time and it's why most relationships are not destined to last long.

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Thank you, DancingFool. Tonight when he gets off work, I will put our daughter to bed, then we will sit down and talk. I've been reading the replies here on the forum and just reading about other women with similar problems.

 

Yes, he is selfish. This is something that I have brought up with him before, and he has admitted that this has been a major flaw about himself all of his life. It's nice to know that I'm not crazy and that I'm not asking for too much. Thank you so much.

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Why would any woman marry a guy who has had a "slew of ONS"? That is kinda obvious he has little respect for women and is a selfish lover and a possible future cheater..

 

Anyway has sex always been this way? If yes, again why did you marry him?

 

You should have demanded from the beginning that he satisfies you and then dumped him after 3months if he failed to do so..

 

I'm not sure how this is helpful to her at this point in time.

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Allow me to elaborate when I say he is hurting me. A lot of times, he does just "ram it in". There is no petting, caressing, no waiting to see if I'm ready.
Well, all that comes to mind is: Why would you allow him to enter you when you are not ready? Certainly a "I'm not ready for that yet, doll" is warranted if you are indeed not ready.

 

When he is on top (which is ALL OF THE TIME, because it's what he likes),
Next question: Why would you allow him on top over and over again instead of guiding him to do it another way. It's quite easy to lead if you are willing to actually lead. You could easily get in the doggy style position and tell him provocatively that you want him in you "this" way.

 

he is constantly pressing his hands extremely hard into my shoulders/chest/thighs. I've expressed to him before that he needs to be more gentle, ESPECIALLY downstairs after having the baby (I gave birth all-natural, and there was some serious damage.
Following through on another question: Why are you once again allowing him to do this? YOU need to teach him what is good for you and stop concentrating on what is so bad about things. Its quite easy to see why he is getting defensive. It appears that he has NO direction from you as to what would feel good while you guide him through it. He's not learning by being chastised, talked to, criticized etc.

 

It took the doctor quite a while to stitch everything back up, and a very long time to heal). He listened to me at first, but the second or third time we had sex again, he just went back to doing the same things.
Then its up to you to be steady and continuing in your training him in what does work for you. If you don't have the patience to do that, then yes indeed.... do not stay with him because it won't get better, you'll both start resenting one another, and you'll stop having sex altogether. All those things lead to infidelities and heart break if they come to pass.

 

ThatWasThen, he WILL NOT watch porn - not even romantic stuff. Before me, he really only had 2 or 3 serious relationships, and a whole slew of one-night stands.
Tell us why not and how it came up in dicussion that he won't watch it. Watch it yourself even. It will help you get aroused since you two are'nt working with one another to get to that point.

 

He likes to tell me that I am the first person he has really ever enjoyed having sex with, but if that was so, wouldn't he want to try harder to see that I'm satisfied?
He doesn't know how to satify you so how can he see to it?

 

I love giving back, even if he wasn't focused on me every single time we have sex. But since he never gives, only takes, I have lost the desire to give.
And so it begins .... Change up what you think you're doing to help but in reality, it's not doing anything to help at all. If he doesn't change it up after you've actually done some things to show him in actions what gets you there, then I think you can safely assume that he either just is clueless in bed or he is just a selfish lover who has had nothing but one night stands because that is all most woman would stick around for the selfishness.

 

Good luck, you're going to have to do more then what you say you've been doing to SPELL IT OUT to him and to SHOW HIM IN YOUR ACTIONS what YOU need.

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From a guy's perspective - he's probably bored too. He's gotta be into something kinky, if you guys can have that conversation and figure out what that is, it would probably make for some more interesting love making. Guys will be more into foreplay if it's something that really grabs their attention - their "kink" if you will. I know not everyone is into whips and chains, there's other stuff out there. What's he into? And don't say nothing because everyone is into something

 

I find it odd that he won't watch porn with you? Did he say why? The reason for that could be part of why you don't feel the intimacy there anymore. Maybe he's keeping part of himself closed off for some reason?

 

- G.I.A.S

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I'm not sure how this is helpful to her at this point in time.

 

Yes but what you see is what you get. He has been selfish all his life-marriage aint gonna change him.

 

If this talk doesn't go down too well tonight then my advice is to pack his s**t and tell him get out.

 

I personally believe how a man treats you in the bedroom is a reflection of how he feels about you. This guy treats her like a toy for him to wank inside. He doesn't even want to satisfy her even though she has told him that hes crap in bed..

 

ask him how he would feel if she told his friends what a s**t lay he is and I am sure he would change his tune-if only temporary.

 

OP you married a tool. I would be divorcing him

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He doesn't even want to satisfy her even though she has told him that hes crap in bed..
Telling someone they are "crap in bed" whether using those exact words or hinting all around the fact does NOTHING to help him get any better. All it does is make him even less confident and therefore less proficient in what he's doing. SHOWING him is what needs to be done and considering Op has'nt done that as yet, then I think it's more helpful to advise ways to resolve first and then if after practicing some good advise, and nothing changes, then leave him and let him know why by telling him that you both are sexually incompatible and nothing has changed that problem after lots of remedy trying.
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