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Desperately need help regarding my chronic depression. Any help is appreciated


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Hello all, thank you for clicking on my thread, i really really need some help with my chronic depression or i dont know how much longer i can go on for. I cant bare another wasted year.

 

The last 5 years of my life have been hell, morbidly depressed and not leaving the house for 5 years pretty much. I have achieved absolutely nothing in the last 5 years. No personal progress, no friends, no material items, no house car or job, no happiness. I live like a bum. I have been studying part time though (and failing classes with poor grades which does wonders for my self esteem).

 

I havent exercised or eaten properly or been out in the sunlight. This teamed with a very negative stressful family life, an unfulfilling relationship, no friends and everyone in my life treating me poorly - has made me also develop chronic anxiety/social and generalised anxiety as well as acute panic attacks and OCD. This has disabled myself to the likes of someone in a coma.

 

So ive tried therapy. And zoloft, effexor, cymbalta, paxil and remeron. Im currently on remeron now. I still feel in utter despair or torment, riddled with shaking and recent nervous breakdowns. What is the most powerful/effective medication?

 

I need to know what will overpower a certain depression symptom. Because nothing has been able to so far.

 

My main problem is, unbelievable laziness/procrastination fueled by self defeating moods. I wont get out of bed all day, ill wallow in my own rubbish and not care. I cant even go for one jog in 5 years. I wont change my clothes. I cant start writing my poetry again. I cant wash my clothes or prepare food. I dont want to talk to anyone, go anywhere or do anything - im too lazy! I cant read even 5 sentences of a book. I have no patience or concentration whatsoever. If something requires even the smallest amount of effort or time, i just say " F--- it, i couldnt be bothered" and go back to bed - and instantly get in a very dark & childish self hating stubborn mood for the rest of the day.

 

Mostly everything feels extremely hopeless and overwhelming. Doing my college work is too overwhelming, getting back into my hobbies is too overwhelming. Starting an exercise regime is too overwhelming. Putting on makeup is too overwhelming. My thoughts are too overwhelming. Organisation is too overwhelming. Seeing as i havent done a single thing in 5 years, i have ALOT of catching up to do. And it all is just too hard and overwhelming. I have made one attempt at getting back into guitar, i tried playing for 10 minutes and i sounded horrible. So i gave up. Threw the guitar and went to the pub to get blind drunk. I have no willpower, patience, dedication or energy at all. If something isnt extremely easy, given to me instantly, then the extreme negative emotions and reactions take over.

 

In the end, im left to sit in my comatose state feeling incredible guilt, anger and anxiety for wasting another day of my life, and being so pathetic and weak and incompetent. Confused. Bewildered. Scared. Whilst fantasizing about my dreams, goals and potential that i am light years away from achieving. "Ill start tomorrow, it will be ok" I say. Five years later......

 

I feel motivation and inspiration inside, but I cannot lift a finger. I just cant. I have put everything off for 5 whole years. I feel extreme fear, guilt, anxiety, worry, dread, anger, hatred, confusion and sadness everyday. I am slow to process information, slow moving and have horrible social skills. I believe i have become very unintelligent and dumb.

 

Is there anything at all that can combat this particular symptom of chronic depression/anxiety. Is there anything in the world that can make me be the person i NEED to be. If i have to live another year like this, I am afraid of what i might do. Please add anything that u have found to actually treat these particular symptoms of depression and anxiety

 

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and to help me.I am forever grateful. xxx

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Have you been to a psychiatrist rather than just a regular doctor? Regular doctors can prescribe varous anti-depressents, but if you've tried some and they are not working, then you need to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist who are medical doctors who are specialists in brain chemistry and understanding medications and the proper mix of them that is necessary for some people who have issues that aren't alleviated just by anti-depressents that a family doctor might prescribe.

 

You are also describing some symptoms that might be related to nutritional definiciences or other medical illness (no energy etc.). Some people are helped by a review of their diet and vitamin therapy, especialy the B-vitamins. Try taking some of the 'Stress vitamin' formulations you can buy at drugstores, and some vitamin B-12 every day and see if you get some improvement in energy levels and motivation. Also avoid drugs and drinking like the plague because they can seriously cause problems for people wiht brain chemistry issues. Also avoid too much caffeine as that can heighten anxiety and make you feel scattered mentally.

 

You might also possibly have some kind of learning disability or ADHD, so i think you really need evaluation by a psychiatrist who can give you a series of tests to try to determine the exact nature of your issues. Unfortunately there is no single test that determines exactly what is necessary to balance brain chemisty, and some cases are more complex than others and require a psychiatrist to diagnose rather than just a normal doctor or psychologist.

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Lavenderdove gives some good advise.

 

What kind of therapy? CBT?

 

As you're on meds, you need to start setting mind traps that will catch you when you start with the self-defeating thinking. You need to be able to say, putting on make up is too overwheliming, so I will just put on a bit of lip gloss. Or going for a jog is too much, so I will just get out of my chair and walk around the house. Open the curtains and sit by the window... I sound terrible playing the guitar, so I will just practice one chord...

Willpower, patience and dedication aren't qualities people are born with, they are qualities people develop. You have to start slowly and be gentle with yourself. Just because other people treat you badly, doesn't mean you are bad, or that you have to treat yourself badly. Be kind to yourself. You have to show up for yourself.

 

I just finished off my meds, nothing like the ones you are on, but they meds helped the depression, they did not help me be who I wanted to be. I still have to put that effort in myself. I still had to relearn all those things.

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So ive tried therapy. And zoloft, effexor, cymbalta, paxil and remeron. Im currently on remeron now. I still feel in utter despair or torment, riddled with shaking and recent nervous breakdowns. What is the most powerful/effective medication?

 

I'll give some advice here. Antidepressants are IMHO the worst drug on earth, they are garbage and should never be prescribed.

 

I'd suggest trying to get a Benzo script. Xanax or Valium for starters, Colonzapan is also a very worthwhile Benzo. I find Benzo's help reduce anxiety and increase mood levels way better than Antidepressants.

 

I'd also recommend seeing a psychiatrist who is well trained, and has experience with mood disorders and anxiety.

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Thankyou for your response lavenderdove.

 

I have been to real psychiatrists as well as regular doctors. They just dont seem to figure out my problem in depth. Alot of the anti depressants ive tried have had bad reactions and made things worse. So i dont want to have to keep trying new ones out. I just wish there was a way to figure out the best one for me. But no medical professional seems to know how to do that.

 

I am low in vitamin D, as i dont go out anymore. But i doubt this is the cause of such mental illness. Ive felt this way for so long, even when going in the sun.

 

I have always thought i have ADHD or a learning disability, ive talked to doctors about this, and they think its just anxiety and depression. Im just so confused and fed up.

 

Thank you for your help

I have had blood tests of all sorts, and Im healthy in everyway.

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Hi agent, thank you for your post.

 

I have done CBT.

 

Youre advice about mind traps is actually really interesting and eye opening. I will try doing what u suggest and see how i go. Do u think it will get easier with time, if i force myself? Because ive found the more i force myself to do things the less I feel like doing them again. I dont find that it gets better.

 

I cant even do simple things like taking the time to relearn things, because my dedication and patience and happiness just doesnt exist.

 

Thank you for your help

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I'll give some advice here. Antidepressants are IMHO the worst drug on earth, they are garbage and should never be prescribed.

 

I'd suggest trying to get a Benzo script. Xanax or Valium for starters, Colonzapan is also a very worthwhile Benzo. I find Benzo's help reduce anxiety and increase mood levels way better than Antidepressants.

 

I'd also recommend seeing a psychiatrist who is well trained, and has experience with mood disorders and anxiety.

 

Hi dali, thank you for responding.

 

I agree with you that benzo's are better for mood and anxiety. MUCH better. I was on them for a little while, and still think i need to be on them. However, the doctors are very stingy with their prescriptions and its hard for me to get them. And i dont want to have to ask for them all the time because it will make me look like a drug abuser. Its unfair that i have to go without something that helps me, in fear of being a suspect drug abuser. I have been red flagged before in the past by doctors and i dont want anything like that attached to my file. What should I do?

 

Thank you again

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So is your family supporting you during this time? Will they expect you to leave their home someday?

 

Hello bulletproof. Thank for the post.

 

Umm my family arent not supporting me, but they dont really know how bad it is for me. They know i have bad moods and anxiety, but i keep how i really feel private. I find it embarrassing. I have a big phobia of embarrassment and humiliation due to past traumas, many many people in life treat and have treated me poorly - and regularly have humiliated me. So i steer clear of anything that might invite probing or humiliation.

 

Another thing is that my family is too dysfunction. No body talks about anything personal. It just doesnt happen, no one communicates properly. People are treated badly. Etc. So its been like that my whole life and i dont have it in me, especially not now, to tackle something so ingrained and uncomfortable for me- such as talking about personal issues with family. The idea seems foreign and makes me feel uneasy.

 

I think they dont know either way, they dont expect me to move out or stay. I dont think they have an opinion on that. Im too poor and depressed, as much as i want to get away, I cant.

 

Thank you

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