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I suppose I'm someone who has always tried to do the right thing. In the long run it seems to be the decision that makes me the happiest. I have been seeing a therapist, asked for the advise of many family and friends, read books, articles and posts online trying to come up with a clear decision. The opinions are vast going from one side to the other and the advise is hard to judge from since my scenario I think is somewhat unique. Maybe this form can be some help.

 

Let me start by telling you a little about myself. I was in a relationship for about 11 years and it ended about three years ago. I haven't been in a relationship since. I enjoy people but don't make friends quickly being somewhat of an introvert. So, this has made finding dates and dating somewhat difficult. I began trying online dating and looking for clubs to join. I have met a decent amount of women but never made a good connection. I also tend to think women aren’t interested in me but in hindsight I had pretty obvious signs. I always thought it would be interesting to have a few one night stands but I guess its just not for me. About a year ago the search was getting a bit too much for me and I started to look for reasons why I wasn’t during very well and started to see a therapist.

 

I met this couple about a year and a half ago while joining one of these clubs and I became rather close friends with both of them. As time went on I noticed they were getting into arguments. For the most part, they did their best keeping the arguments out of the public. Towards the end of their relationship I traveled with him and gave him a place to stay for a while and tried to help him out where I could. I feel I did everything I could to help them work things out and stay together. However they did finally break up.

 

He was at my place roughly four nights a week after the break up. At this time he was also out of work. I told him about a job a friend might have for him and a place opening up where he could live right accross the street from me. I was trying to get him to stay in town because he spoke of moving away before. He got to the point where he didn’t want any information about her. So balancing my friendship between the two of them wasn’t an easy position to be in. I think I did this for about a month or two. I did notice I shared a lot of similar interests, goals, and life philosophies with her over the year and half that I have known her. However the idea of any type of relationship with her at this time was simply unthinkable.

 

An instance did happen that I can’t completely remember. I went on a trip with a group of friends. Where we had to stay over night in a hotel. Since, he didn't really want to be around her. She was part of the group and he stayed behind. We went to a outside a fair where all the vendors were serving beer. After a long day of drinking and being rained on my friends made it back to the hotel. Where some went to get some food and others wanted to go swimming. Her and I got something to eat and continued drinking and the other friends joined us later. After dinner we all went upstairs and was going to play a game. All I can remember is laying on my back in a bed with a group of friends. When I woke up it was four in the morning and it was just her and me. I was on the other side of the bed away from her and not touching her in anyway. We were fully clothed and sleeping above the covers. I thought it was a little odd I got left there and was unsure the reason. I assumed two things, I tend to snore on my back and I’m a pretty deep sleeper. So friends might not have been able to wake me. However I was told I was snuggling with her but I really just can't remember it.

 

Another instance that I should have read more into but I didn’t think much of at the time. A friend wanted to take our picture during her birthday party this was before the fair but after the break up. The person taking the photo wanted us to get in close like I was giving her a hug and took our picture. I thought there would be more photos taken like this one but comparatively to the other photos that she put on her fridge this one stands out quite a bit.

 

I believe a concerned friend called him from the fair because he came over the night we got back and confronted me about these instances. I don’t blame the friend for the call or him for the confrontation. I tried to explain what happened or at least what I could remember but failed. I contacted many of my friends asking for advise to resolve the issue but no one was sure what to do. He contacted me one last time to meet up but I already had other plans. He sent a message assuming I was with her and he didn’t want to know about it. I didn’t respond, not knowing what to say back but I was actually just with a friend talking about the incident. I wouldn’t have been ready to meet back up with him yet. I was having anxiety issues from the encounter. The little food I did eat, didn’t go very well. I’ve heard he’s mad at me. Looking back on things I do feel like I was too close to her but I really assumed like I always do that women just aren’t interested in me. So I guess my guard was down a bit.

 

I do share a lot in common with this person thats why we are friends. We have discussed entering into a relationship. I have thought about it for about three months. Thinking about if I should tell him anything or not. I’ve had some pretty intense anxiety and depression symptoms that I should have seeked medication for to be safe which was something my therapist regularly suggested I do. It took me three months just to put into words what I was feeling and why. As I told her “Although I am interested in this relationship I have some guilt feelings about pushing my good friend away during his time of need with my unintentional actions". She has understood and has been patient with me. Giving me the time and space I need to do whatever I need to. I know I am only responsible for my own actions and feelings, multiple therapist have told me that. He could have stayed and worked things out. At the moment, nothing feels quite right. I'm basically on a daily bases fighting myself. Feeling bad either for waiting on a relationship that I think could work or for pushing a friend away.

 

I do miss my friend and the group hasn’t been the same without him. I doubt the reason for the hurt is he thinks he owns her, he needs her for an ego boost or that he thinks I will treat her badly. I think that it is the end of an relationship a loss of an safe emotional connection with someone else. He needed support of friends and family and some of that support was me. I understand him not liking it but if he could just understand. It would put me in a better place then I am right now. But that would be me expecting more out of him emotionally then I would be capable of in the same situation. It’s hard to think of yourself as intelligent after making these mistakes and not being able to make a decision about something that seems like it should have a simple answer. Should I push away a good and understanding relationship that I haven’t been able to find for over three years for the situation that surrounds it? I guess I just want to be happy with my answer.

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Well, what do you think will offer you the best outcome for you? Not trying to tell you to be selfish, but you do need to place yourself at the top of your life.

 

Are you sure you feel this way for her and not just because of the last few years single? Again, not saying you don't, just want you to make sure it's genuine for your sake and that of everyone else.

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What do I think will give me the best outcome?

Since, my friend has left and probably doesn't want to talk to me any more, no matter what happens. I think continuing in this direction would result in the best outcome. Since, there isn't a lot of reason to deny this possibility from myself. However, for now, the guilt still haunts me.

 

Are you sure you feel this way for her and not just because of the last few years single?

Although, I have been alone for a decent amount of time. I have sat down and typed out the pros and cons. I will say from a rational evaluation. There are more pros than cons. Emotionally however, I'm struck with uncertainty if these feelings surrounding the situation will ever completely diminish.

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My suggestion? Is to aim away from her.

 

I think, if you do ever think of wanting or trying to persue a relationship with her, even MORE guilt and heaviness will

be sitting upon you.

 

I'd think, that in time, your friend will come around, realize you did not get involved with her and never were.

He'll come to his senses and realize the friend he had in you.

 

If you were to persue your interest in her, that will never come about- with him thinking, he was always right, You did have a thing for her....

 

Either way, I feel it's for your own best interest and your emotional & mental sound mind, for you to just walk away from ALL thoughts concerning her and carry on with your life- leave all that crap behind you and look into someone else.

There ARE plenty more in this world, who will not get you involved in their life this way, where you can go into a relationship, with a much clearer point of view and more sound mind and be fine.

 

You do not need this.. You do not need her.

 

Would probably be nice to someday run into your friend and actually start getting along again.

 

 

But as mentioned.. for yourself? Clear the air here now, I dont think it's worth it, at all. Leave all of this in the dust.

Start off fresh and get yourself & mind together again. A clean slate, a new beginning, where you WILL be happy.

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What do I think will give me the best outcome?

Since, my friend has left and probably doesn't want to talk to me any more, no matter what happens. I think continuing in this direction would result in the best outcome. Since, there isn't a lot of reason to deny this possibility from myself. However, for now, the guilt still haunts me.

 

Are you sure you feel this way for her and not just because of the last few years single?

Although, I have been alone for a decent amount of time. I have sat down and typed out the pros and cons. I will say from a rational evaluation. There are more pros than cons. Emotionally however, I'm struck with uncertainty if these feelings surrounding the situation will ever completely diminish.

 

I think that if you feel any amount of guilt (as you do), you have your answer.

 

I personally wouldn't pursue it for both your own peace of mind and that of a friend's. However no one here can tell you what you should do, just our opinions.

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