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hahaha, this is kind of embarrasing...

agatha

By agatha
in Relationship Advice

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agatha Enthusiast

agatha

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and I'm not quite sure if this is the right forum either, but anyway...

 

I've been with my current bf since november, and he's been a regular at my place since 5th date when we did the deed. he's 20, in college, still lives with his parents (his place is less than 5 min from campus, there's no reason not to). last week I gave him a wardrobe shelf where to put his stuff (basic higiene items and a change of clothes), and it was working well until he changed aaannd... left his dirty clothes here. underwear, shirt, socks, pants, everything. I don't know if he just forgot to get them when he left, or whatever. his parents have a regular cleaning lady who does everything from cooking to laundry, while I do everything on my own.

 

the whole shelf thing is not new to me, it makes things easier for me (sometimes we just want to spend the weekend together, maybe go some town nearby, and having to go baaack to his place for things just takes away the spontaneity of the moment), BUT I'm not in a point where I'll just wash his undies happily yet.

 

what do I do? put it in a bag and return it when I see him next? leave it there rotting? talk to him about it? I don't want to play mommy to him...

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Iggles Apprentice

Iggles

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I'm going to be blunt. At 27 I find it astounding that you haven't worked this out. How to handle something like this. You have 7 years on this guy!

 

He's an immature guy with little experience cleaning up after himself. Sounds like he just forgot since someone else always cleans up after him at home. Call him up and let him know he's got to handle his own clothes. A light hearted, "Hey, you left a lot of clothes here. Maybe instead of a shelf we should have got you a hamper!" You laugh and then hopefully he tells you he will pick them up next time and won't leave clothes around.

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patterned Contributor

patterned

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"Hey BF, you left your dirty clothes here, underwear, shirt, socks, pants, everything. I don't know if you just forgot to get them when you left, or whatever. But I'm not in a point where I'll just wash your undies happily yet. I don't want to play mommy to you."

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duke nukem Enthusiast

duke nukem

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I'm still trying to get over you dating a 20 year old ...

 

It is a little bit different, but not all 20 year olds are like the ones we see in movies. I don't know if it's possible to say this without seeming smug but I do like to think I'm a little more mature than most of my peers.

 

To the OP, I would talk to him about it. Perhaps he did just forget it, but if he thinks it's okay to leave clothes and that's not something you're keen on, best to nip it in the bud sooner than later.

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agatha Enthusiast

agatha

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1- Where I live, 18 is the age of consent, and even though he is legal to, he doesn't drink.

 

2- If I were dating a 34yo man no one would be shocked. Why the double standards? He's a classical musician, the kind that has been fed on philosophy and culture and arts from the craddle. Sometimes he sounds older than me, the one who likes to play videogames on her free time. Some say he even looks a bit older, but whatever. I like him, he likes me, that's what matters.

 

Relationships are not something where two perfectly emotionally, financially, career-wise stable people suddenly meet and everything works out perfectly. Somethings do, other things don't. To me, it's a matter of choice: do we give up now, or do we keep working on it? I don't think that this is something to dump a guy for - he does the dishes, makes the bed, takes care of the dog if needed, and a bunch of other things that I don't ask - he just does them. As I do things for him unasked.

 

3- And I fail miserably at seeing what has having sex with a consenting adult with the fact that I don't know exactly how to politely but firmly show him that his laundry is his own business.

 

4- At 27, most of my bfs or fwb's who came to my place were older, and had moved out to their own place at least for some time in their lives. The other younger guys I dated (2-4 years younger) would rather take me to their places than come to mine, so they never got to use the bf shelf like this. That's why I am thinking this through, I don't want to get the wrong tone and make it a bigger deal than it should be.

 

5- The hamper idea almost sounds like it could work... Maybe I should just get one for him, so we can go launder together. hmmmm...

 

6- No, we both prefer vernissages, concerts, theater, opera and foreign movies. He doesn't drink at all, and I only drink eventually - never beer

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agatha Enthusiast

agatha

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It is a little bit different, but not all 20 year olds are like the ones we see in movies. I don't know if it's possible to say this without seeming smug but I do like to think I'm a little more mature than most of my peers.

 

To the OP, I would talk to him about it. Perhaps he did just forget it, but if he thinks it's okay to leave clothes and that's not something you're keen on, best to nip it in the bud sooner than later.

 

all praise the lord, someone who's not judging us #tearsup

 

thanks for the reply, and I'm quite positive the 29yo I dated previously was WAY more immature than him. my conclusion being: if there are immature guys in all age ranges, there might be mature guys in all age ranges too. or at least ones willing to grow up ¬¬.

 

so, what do you think about the hamper idea? not really much talking, just "hey, let's do the laundry! here's your hamper =D "?

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duke nukem Enthusiast

duke nukem

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all praise the lord, someone who's not judging us #tearsup

 

thanks for the reply, and I'm quite positive the 29yo I dated previously was WAY more immature than him. my conclusion being: if there are immature guys in all age ranges, there might be mature guys in all age ranges too. or at least ones willing to grow up ¬¬.

 

so, what do you think about the hamper idea? not really much talking, just "hey, let's do the laundry! here's your hamper =D "?

 

Exactly. While statistically age = maturity, it's not always the case. That can be good or bad.

 

As for the hamper, hey, as long as you discuss and find a solution you're both happy with go for it

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Fudgie Grand Master

Fudgie

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I like the hamper idea. I would definitely make it clear in one way or another that it's not cool of him to be leaving his clothes all around. You shouldn't have to wash them, at least, nowhere near this stage.

 

He still lives at home so it sounds like he's a little clueless about things like this. So give him a nudge.

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Ms Darcy Mentor

Ms Darcy

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all praise the lord, someone who's not judging us #tearsup

 

Well, I believe you were the one hiding him before you got into a relationship. So perhaps you still have some residual insecurity in yourself about his age.

 

Anyway, I don't see why you can't just talk to him face to face and say "Hey, you left your dirty clothes here. Please take them home the dirty clothes with you next time." or "Let's get a hamper for you."

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agatha Enthusiast

agatha

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Well, I believe you were the one hiding him before you got into a relationship. So perhaps you still have some residual insecurity in yourself about his age.

 

Anyway, I don't see why you can't just talk to him face to face and say "Hey, you left your dirty clothes here. Please take them home the dirty clothes with you next time." or "Let's get a hamper for you."

 

yeah, I hid him for the first 4 dates. on a reflex from years of fwb. besides, we were getting to know each other, and yes, I doubted he would last beyond the second week, no need to get so invested too early. I didn't with my previous ex, nor the one before him, why would I this time?

 

and as brilliant as I might be, none of those came to mind before you guys actually said it. actually, most of my immediate ideas were perfect if I wanted to ruin it forever (in his place, I'd be furious with what I had in mind Xp). advantages of getting older: I think twice before doing/saying things I might regret.

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