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I want to send this, so I'm posting it here instead - feedback welcome


Trevorjames

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(This is super long, I know. But I want feedback and to dump this out here instead of sending it)

 

Note:

 

For some ridiculous reason I keep doing this even though I tell myself to stop, maybe I’m crazy, or maybe I’ve just never wanted something as much as this.

 

I always felt that if there was a god, he allowed me to rip my comfortable life from in New York to come down here with my ex and go through the most difficult time of my life, because all those things led me to you, and put me on a path to becoming the man I want to be and the man you deserve in your life.

 

I felt like fate was giving me a second chance, I found a whole new world around me, a beautiful woman to share it with, and I finally decided on a career path. I became a part of a wonderful family, and I truly miss Grandma, your parents, I even miss Milo(her most annoying cat). I won’t even begin to go into how deeply I miss you.

 

Even though I spent three years of my life with my Ex, and gave it all I had, I never saw a real future with her, but she did truly care about me during that time, so I appreciated her back, and I tried to force myself to see us growing old together. But I never really saw a house together, a family, nothing. I wanted to because of who she was and how long I had known her before we dated, but I never believed it would work. All I did was waste three years of my life and lose an old high school friend forever in the process.

 

With you though, since the time I first said I loved you… Let me tell you exactly what I saw in my head at that moment.

 

I saw a girl who wanted the same exact future I want. I saw a moment years from then of a girls smiling face while I held her from behind and kissed her on the cheek on the patio of our apartment in NYC. I saw a girl falling asleep on my shoulder while we flew around the world to ski, see concerts, go to amusement parks, famous fear attractions. And in the months after you said it back, little by little, I began to see the reality of a girl with tears in her eyes dressed in a white dress walking towards me. I cherished the idea of spending the rest of my life with you. And best of all, I knew you felt the same way.

 

I want you to know about something I am afraid I will never get to do now, I was going to take you to Six Flags Great Adventure in NJ this coming summer, And ride the front of the Kingda Ka with you, and before going over the big drop, I was going to hold up the nicest ring I could afford and ask you to marry me. That was the real reason I was putting 50 dollars per week in my savings account. I had this wonderful image in my head of you saying “OMG YES!” then screaming your ass off and being so completely in shock that you never forget that moment as long as we lived. And when we were off the ride and out of the way, I would ask you properly.

 

I had never been more sure about something in my entire life. But when I saw how truly excited you got for your friend, the complicated history you guys had, and how distant you were during all that. It shook me to the core, and I don’t like how I became jealous and scared. All I can do is apologize and hope one day it will just be a bump in a great love story. I want you to be my Notebook, I want you to be my Up.

 

I said I wasn’t happy being with you, and for some reasons I wasn’t, and for 10 times as many reasons, I was head over heels for you, but I so desperately wanted to be 100% happy. I felt taken for granted and unappreciated sometimes; I felt like you could throw me out at any moment and be perfectly fine with it. I guess maybe all this mess has proved that was true.

 

But for me, the truth is, I can’t get you out of my head, and you are super glued to my heart. I was afraid you would hurt me someday and in a weak moment I broke things off, I regretted it the very moment I did. When I called you again that same morning to apologize I knew already that I never wanted to leave you, and that giving up on you instead of working through it would be the biggest mistake of my life.

 

If I had another chance… I will never think twice about being with you, I will never break up with you, I will never keep the way I’m feeling a secret like I did again. You will know everything, and we will become the strongest couple we can because of it.

 

I kept those feelings bottled up for so long thinking I was crazy and that there was no way I should feel this way. I should have talked to you about it, but I remembered what you said about your ex, about how he never understood your priorities. Well… I did understand them; I never stood in your way. In fact, I constantly encouraged you and was always thinking of ways I could make you smile, brighten your day, make life just a tiny bit nicer for you, and never asking for anything in return.

 

I gave my best to the relationship. I deserve another chance.

 

You know as well as I do that I was the most amazing man to ever come into your life, no one has ever treated you as good as I have, or ever will. And if you walk away now, you will throw away the best year of both of our lives, and the most amazing future you could ever have.

 

I have always trusted you to be faithful to me, and I’ve never felt anything less than true love for you since the moment I said it. But the one thing I was lacking was the trust that you will always be there for me. Instead of walking away, prove me wrong, show me I was a fool to doubt you, show me you have a huge heart behind that tough exterior. Show me that you want someone like me to hold you when you are low, who will cook for you, give you thoughtful gifts, spend as much quality time as he can with you and your family, does things for you without even being asked. I did these things because I wanted to, never because I felt like I had to, and I would do them again and again. I would jump in front of a bullet for you, prove to me that I meant the same to you, that you would jump too.

 

I’ve never seen that from you, and it was all that was missing. We needed better communication that was it. And right now the only other thing we need is to start all over again.

 

What I would ask of you is to start slow, lets relive our first dates. Meet me at the river house this weekend, and next time I’ll take you to a horror movie, run late and find out you already paid, but buy you a drink and hold your hand after just like last time. We can’t go to any horror attractions but we can go anywhere else, and after I’ll give you that first kiss on the cheek again. And next time I’ll take you wherever you want to go, then buy you a drink at after and ask you just like before if I can kiss you good night.

It was that exact moment I decided to quit smoking, that night after I first kissed you, I threw my pack out the window of my car and said to myself, “I’m gonna quit for that girl.”

 

I want to fall in love again. This has gotten way off track and weird and sh*tty. I’m a big part of that, and I’m really sorry for it. I never give up on the things I care about, and I’m not about to start now.

 

If even a small part of you is holding onto the happiness I gave you, then meet me for that first date all over again.

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I am neither a philosopher or poet...love is different for everyone.

 

I know what love is not:

It is not possessive or jealous.

It is not taking the other person for granted.

It is not speaking in anger to hurt the other person.

It is not saying "I deserve".

 

"Holding on to the happiness I gave you".....yikes!

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If the roles were reversed I'd want them to be clear but not push me. And to just walk away after that and let me decide in my own time.

 

Which is entirely unfair and I recognize that, but truthfully I would put that wall up and not think about it too much. And if I got lonely and felt my ex had what I needed and it could work I'd contact them, especially if I knew they loved me like that.

 

She already knows how I feel and doesnt need to see this, this was just me dumping my heart out, I had a very bad reminder a few days ago and needed to pour it out one way or another.

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If the roles were reversed I'd want them to be clear but not push me. And to just walk away after that and let me decide in my own time.

 

Which is entirely unfair and I recognize that, but truthfully I would put that wall up and not think about it too much. And if I got lonely and felt my ex had what I needed and it could work I'd contact them, especially if I knew they loved me like that.

 

She already knows how I feel and doesnt need to see this, this was just me dumping my heart out, I had a very bad reminder a few days ago and needed to pour it out one way or another.

 

Please never send her that. No matter what.

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If the roles were reversed I'd want them to be clear but not push me. And to just walk away after that and let me decide in my own time.

 

Which is entirely unfair and I recognize that, but.....

 

She has been 100% clear. She has chosen someone else.

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I said I wasn’t happy being with you, and for some reasons I wasn’t, and for 10 times as many reasons, I was head over heels for you, but I so desperately wanted to be 100% happy. I felt taken for granted and unappreciated sometimes; I felt like you could throw me out at any moment and be perfectly fine with it. I guess maybe all this mess has proved that was true.

 

OP you are going to rewrite this, never to send it. But this time you are going to listen to your body and how you feel and you are going to take full responsibility for where you are right now, how you are feeling and what you are going through.

 

It takes two, but you are responsible for your part, if you want to grow from this it's up to you to own your part. You don't have to post it here.

 

Your letter will start with: "I messed up."

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Sweet Jesus. Kill this thing with fire.

 

Do not send that. Do NOT. Do NOT.

 

Here's a little story: I used to send messages like that to my ex. During the first few weeks of the breakup, I thought that if I just used the right words that she'd come back. Well, after a particularly bad night I sent her a message like this. This was on October 14th.

 

I thought the message was great. Wonderful. Well-thought out. Rational. The following morning my ex told me I should date other people, told me she was concerned for me, told me she didn't hate me but wanted me to be happy and that I needed to get help, then blocked me on Facebook and began (officially) a relationship with the guy she left me for. I remember thinking "she's crazy. Surely she can't be serious about someone she has known for only two months. Surely she is just confused".

 

Well, serious she was. He 27, she 18 and just starting college. They were engaged on November 1, married on December 5th. She has another man's last name and doesn't care about me at all, after two and a half years. But I never thought any of that would happen, because I thought "we" were the exception.

 

We weren't. Point is, my words did nothing. I should have remained silent and started moving on much earlier.

 

Don't ever talk to her again. Don't think you're the exception. Do NOT send this.

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I had zero intent of sending it, I've written dozens of things but destroyed them all. I did send one of them though, but it was just about where I am taking my life education and career wise, and that she is always welcome in whatever capacity she wants to be.

 

I know the secret to ever having another chance is to leave her alone, build my life where she knows I want it to go. If I'm lucky within a year she will contact me and I'll have a lot to say for myself, and she will come along for the ride again. And if I'm REALLY lucky I'll meet someone better anyways.

 

Getting all that out today and just throwing it to be torn apart by you all helped a lot.

 

Thanks forum folks. I wish I could destroy my post now though, it's served it's purpose for me now.

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