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Hey everyone,

 

I'm new to the online advice forums as this is my first post, but i want to say thank you in advance to those who take the time to read this and give me some feedback.

 

Heres some background information:

I am 19 years old and my girlfriend is 18. We have been dating for over 2 years--We started dating junior yr in HS and are now college freshman. To be honest, i have had a MAJOR crush on this girl since the SEVENTH GRADE. I dated 2 other women in highschool but wound up breaking up with the second one because my current girlfriend (who i have been after since 7th grade) told me we could get together, hook up, etc etc. if i did. I broke my girlfriend at the times heart and i felt terrible... only to find that the girl who i broke up with her for (My now current GF) DIDNT WANT TO BE ANYTHING MORE THAN FRIENDS. This was spring semester of my sophmore year in HS. From this time on i went through a deep state of depression...we were friends however i wanted more. Anyways, summer came and it was HELL hearing about her talking with other guys etc etc...Junior year then came around and in October we began to date. Kissing her for the first time and dating her was such a HIGH. it was AMAZING...better than any drug and drink i have ever consumed lol. Hell, I had finally won the girl of my dreams since 7th grade!!! i was untouchable...nothing could phase me. So we dated through HS and made some amazing memories and had great times together.

 

Now i'll begin to delve into "the "

 

Summer after senior came around and it was really tough..My gf and I are going to separate colleges. What was up ahead..i had no idea. No matter what she said, no matter how much she tried to convince me that we would be fine, there was always that thought in the back of my mind: She doesnt know that for sure. (she is in a sorority btw). Let me say this: I love her so much. She ruled my world. She was everything to me and i would lay down my life for that girl to this day.

 

Sure enough, college came and like many couples in similar situations, we had to say goodbye. (our colleges are about 90 minutes apart, however i do not have a car). Ill never forget our last night together, before move in day when she dropped me off at my house after hanging out. She was balling and i (not much of a cryer myself) began to tear up. We had to say bye. We saw each other every other weekend for the beginning..then it turned into every weekend.

 

So...i am in a long distance relationship...in college...and my gf...is at another college....WOW...quite a lot for me to take in. It was depressing and the anxiety consumed me. Now begins where our relationship began to hit some rough patches.

#1 One night she told me she didnt know if she could do long distance because it was so hard. when i got the text i almost fell to my knees. I felt like my world was crashing down on me. What was i to do? It came out that she had a CRUSH on a guy friend from our HS that she had been hanging around a lot!!! (pretty nerdy guy and i knew so i didnt even care nor think something like this would happen) I broke up with her right there...and she cryed and told me she couldnt lose me etc etc. I thought really hard about the situation and i guess i rationalized it to where i told myself: "i guess i cant blame her for having feelings for someone else, who can help that?" Anyways, we talked it out a lot and she assured me that she was done with him and i had nothing to worry about

#2 one night before she went out the a party (at the frat that guy she had a crush on is in) she told me she wanted to be friends with him again because she does go there a lot. I was like wow really? you promised me you were done with him?....anyways, i said it i dont care go ahead and be friends with him, whatever.

#3 about a week before Christmas break 2013 she told me she doesnt know if we are meant to be together forever (we always talked about being together forever and stuff like that. i ment it and still do) I was pretty torn to hear that but once again..she told me she cant see her life without me in it and said she still wanted to date me. It was because we were fighting a lot during that time and the time leading up to that. She also asked for more time with her friends (towards the end of the fall semester i began to come to her every weekend, which she did like, but she missed a lot of sorority functions) so i can understand that.

Anyways after that we had a great Christmas break except for new years eve where she told me she might need to be single and get her "crazy" out. She was very drunk. (I still believed and DO believe that is true) the next day she apologized and said she was just drunk, but i knew in my mind that that was most likely true so i did all i could do...be the best bf i could be.

 

Now this is the current situation...she went back to school a week before me (her school is in our hometown; mine is 90 min away from our hometown) but we still hung out everyday. She went out with her girls on that friday night to a frat party (3 days before i go back to school)..i really felt like something was up. The next day i texted her and told her "i feel like you are a completely different person when you are out and not with me" she responded "okay" ...ding ding ding i was right! i asked her if she flirts with other guys at parties and she said "probably" ...dear lord, i have never layed my hands on a woman nor do i ever plan to but i wanted to ING STRANGLE HER when she told me that.{NOTE* she only flirted nothing more} I broke up with her though! Anyways she didnt want to breakup and she cryed and begged and told me she could never be without me. She came to drop off my wallet that day and i sat in her car and told her that we were never gonna get back together...she was BALLING...(to be honest it felt good to know she cared this much about me lol) anyways we hungout the next day but i told her we should take a 2 week break to see if im really the one for her.

 

Sunday was the first day of the break (1/12/2013)...i missed her so much..i messed up and i texted her. She told me we cant talk on break. Anyways...yesterday and today have been really hard without her. I miss her so much and as much as i want to text her i know i cant. It popped up on my facebook today that she actually is now friends with the guy she was flirting with at that party friday night. WOW i wanted to text her but i stopped myself. i was and am pretty hurt but i know we are on a break...

 

I guess where i am right now is just hoping she will want to get back together in 2 weeks...How do i deal with the fact that she might be getting with other guys ? it sucks to think about..i dont want any other girl but im forcing myself to be more sociable around them but its really hard. I love her so much and i NEED her. if she doeesnt want to get back together in 2 weeks (Because she enjoyed being single, found another guy, etc etc) i honestly do not know what i will do..im so scared of that happening..Please help me with any advice you guys got. I know reading this you will probably think im an idiot for staying with her through all of this but its really hard to explain what we got and i know she loves me. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this and give me feedback.[/i]

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I'm sorry but this happens a lot with long distance. The distance is too much for at least one of you (in this case too much for her). She cannot handle it and she is beginning to lean on this other guy emotionally which has led to feelings developing (emotional affair) and then she starts pushing you away.

 

She does love you but shes not strong enough to deal with a long distant relationship. She needs constant attention, affection, intimacy, quality time etc and if shes not getting those things from you-she starts to seek it elsewhere

 

she is not long term relationship material. She would do the same thing if you were together daily but hit a rough patch. You were right to dump her-wrong to get back with her.. end it now before she cheats on you and hurts you even more

 

You don't NEED her. That is co-dependent thinking. We mourn every loss and then we move on. Breakups are a part of life. And you don't need to replace her straight away either. Take some time out to heal-focus on school, a hobby, family, friends.. in time you will be ready to meet someone else

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For me this would be too much drama to deal with. I'm sorry to say but most relationships that started in high school do not survive the going to separate colleges thing. It seems like at this point the relationship causes both of you more pain and anxiety than it's worth. Cut your losses, move on and if in the future you come back into contact see what happens. But it seems like you both need the chance to have the college experience and date around a bit. It seems like the end of the world now but you WILL get over it and probably have a lot more enjoyable college experience in the process.

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OP, as much as this hurts to hear, right now is the beginning of the end. Things will never be like they were in the beginning. You're chasing the ghost of a good thing at this point.

 

This post on the Rules Revisited explains it well, how getting back together is often a prelude to a long and drawn out break up as the first break up signifies the relationship is damaged beyond repair.

 

In other situations, one person breaks up with the other, and then (by either party's initiative) the couple gets back together, thinking that "this time it will be better." In either case, the important characteristic is that the relationship reaches or nears its end, only to make what seems to be a thankful recovery.

 

The main problem in these situations normally isn't that one person can't follow through with the promise to change X, Y or Z (though this too is very frequently true, and a close secondary problem). The main problem, and what most people fail to recognize, is that when a relationship nears or reaches a failure point,
its limits are defined.

 

Prior to such an episode, each party could believe - and usually at least hoped - that the relationship was strong enough to sustain limitless difficulties. Neither party knew how much it would take to break the other's feelings or commitment. But a break-up (or near-break-up) changes that irreversibly.
Suddenly one partner knows that the other's commitment has real limits
. What was once "a love that knew no bounds" and apparently bottomless, is shown to be of finite dept - maybe even shallow. So the disappointment comes, not because the relationship is broken, but because it is shown to be
breakable
.

 

Source: link removed

 

 

In your case, OP, your girlfriend can't handle the distance. She is starting to party and consider other guys. You saw this happening and tried to gain the upper hand by breaking up with her. You wanted her to realize she could lose you, in an attempt to get her to fall back in line. However, that was a Hail Mary. Threatening to leave is no way to sustain a relationship on the rocks. You can't make her want to stay and return to her old ways. You're both quite young and while some couples grow together others grow apart as they change and discover who they are.

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