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need some solid advice


benjaminedward

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I am looking for some advice and thoughts on a couple of things.

I have been in a relationship for almost a year with a girl who i see mainly on the weekends and whenever we can. i have met a lot of her friends including some of her guy friends she has had since grade school. I hang with her parents and even went to her family reunion. she has really brought me into her world. she has a lot of friends and meets new people all the time. We had a new years party at her house with all her friends and I met one guy friend in particular that she has has known for years. I don't know how much they actually hang out or have hung out with in the past. some she says there has never been anything there and laughs like i am stupid for even thinking anything about him. she tells me everything she is doing pretty much through text or calls. like we text all day pretty much. she says she tells me everything she is doing out of respect for me.... She seems to be pretty honest with me. Anyway...

she says she wants to start hanging out with some of her guy friends. it makes me a little uncomfortable i must say. I know I should be trusting... I just don't want to be used or run around on. This one friend in particular that was at the party asked her to have a drink after work the other day. she told me about it and said she told him no because i may freak out about it. she was mad that she told him no... Her parents both have opposite sex friends that they hang with and she is an ONLY CHILD and tells me all her male friends are like brothers. That I never have to worry about anything.

How should I honestly feel about this? Should I be concerned if they do hang out? I know I would be full of worry but that's just me maybe... I love her with everything in me.

She bought a shirt the other day with Ice Cream Cones that fall right on her and told me she would wear it out without me. I don't know if she likes attention or what. I know it makes me feel super uncomfortable to think of her out with that shirt on because it screams look at my .

We also got into an argument about it and she told me that she is a social bee and if i can't accept it then i can leave... I feel pretty bad about the whole deal having fallen in deep love with her.

Can anyone relate or give me some positive feedback...? I know I have rambled...

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Here's the thing... IMO, your hands are kind of tied.

 

You can't really tell her not to hang out with her opposite-sex friends. What will happen if you do is one of two things: either she will grow to resent you and feel 'smothered' by the relationship or she will go ahead and do it without telling you.

 

Really, you've met these guys. She is not hiding them from you or you from them. It sounds like she is being honest and straightforward with everyone.

 

I think your choices are either to let her hang out with these people or to let her go (ie: break up) and find someone who doesn't want to hang out with opposite-sex friends.

 

In life, you have to pick your battles. If she's being honest and straightforward, she's not hiding you, and you have no reason to suspect she might cheat on you (other than your own insecurities) - IMO, you should just let her hang out with them. Save the "I don't want you hanging out with that dude" fights for people who DO pose a clear threat to your relationship - guys who she is a little too close to or guys she is spending WAY too much time with.

 

IMO, to a certain degree in life, whatever will happen will happen. I don't think any amount of shielding her from people will prevent her from cheating. Either she is the type to cheat or she's not. Don't you want to find that out sooner rather than later anyways?

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Well, this is the problem with MOST relationships where one or the other has way too many friends of the opposite sex and isn't jiggy with giving them up. This is a very fundamental incompatibility that you and your LONGdistance gf have just discovered about one another. I'd not ignore that red flag nor would I bury my feelings on the subject. If she bails on you because you expect her to change up the dynamic of her friendships out of respect and for the health of your relationship, then she's not mature enough to be in a serious relationship with you or anyone else quite yet.

 

When you have a boyfriends or a girlfriend then IMO you should be changing up how you interact with your opposite sex friends. Like stop all one-on-one date like activities together, no texting them all day long, no drinking with them alone etc. You should also be introduced to all of them as her boyfriend, op. If she's not willing to do any of that then losing her for asking for it would be you dodging a bullet.

 

Long distance relationship are hard enough to allow yourself to become vulnerable to that person in the first place. Why she would resent you not wanting her to hang with boys one-on-one, why she wouldn't just volunteer to stop that when she's in a relationship is a real "tell" about where her head is at.

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