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How to stop the feeling of loneliness?


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My long distance relationship has gone to pot.

 

The problem? Loneliness when we're not together.

 

Don't get me wrong the times we are together are fantastic and we love every second of it, seeing each other about once a month for a long weekend is the most we were able to afford. But to be honest I don't care about the money. Anyway, every time I had to get back on that train was the worst feeling I've ever had. My heart just sinks..

 

He opened up to me in December claiming that he couldn't do this anymore, it was right for him etc. Which is understandable, and I wasn't about to force someone I love into a situation they're not happy with. We broke contact for 16 days and I managed to get a hold of myself again. Yes I still loved him but I was able to socialise with friends and took up running to get myself fit again.

 

So now we're talking again, every day wither texting, phone calls, Skype, fb messaging you name it, we're crazy about each other. Don't ask me how it happened and I'm sure you think I'm being foolish by allowing myself to get close to him again. Maybe 16 days wasn't a long enough break? Either way, I know I can't be apart from him, there isn't anyone else I want to be with and there's only so many times I can hear my friends say 'for god's sake move on!'.

 

 

ANYWAY, that was the background of my story. What I was really wondering is if anyone else is in an LDR due to university and being on other sides of the country? How are you finding it? Do you feel lonely when you see your friends/other couples? How can we break away from this?

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Hey there!! I'm feeling your pain. I too am in a LDR....at least half the time, and you can't stop loving someone simply because they are far away. Is there a reason you can't be together at some point? How far is the distance? What would be a reasonable amount of time you could wait to be together permanently? Fortunately these days there are SO many ways to keep in touch...Skype, FB, FaceTime, text....I rarely even see most if my friends in REAL life..even though they are an hour away!! Sad but true!

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I have done a few LDR's, however I can't imagine getting involved in one while in uni. Then again, I didn't seek relationships back then, so take that comment with a large grain of salt.

 

I guess one caveat about an LDR is that in some cases when you see each other it's like a perpetual honey moon vacation. It seems so incredibly wonderful and great precisely because you might be going out of your way to make it so. That can be deceiving in terms of truly determining compatibility.

 

The other issue is that if the above is not applicable, then LDR's are different in a sense that you actually need to have a clear plan on how to close the distance. Basically, an LDR is kind of a blunt animal in that either you are heading rapidly toward something serious and have plans in place to close the distance, or you part company because this person is not really right for you after all. You can't really be in an LDR for a long time without a clear direction on where things are going and how.

 

As for feeling lonely, sometimes certainly you will feel lonely. The key is not to lose yourself. You should be going out with friends, jogging, pursuing your hobbies, etc. LDR means standing on your own two feet. You really can't lose yourself in the relationship or the other person, because they are not there for you like that. You have to live your life and be fairly independent for this to work out.

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Thank you both..

 

I think in terms of future and "closing the gap" that will be in about 2 and a half years (since I'm an undergraduate and he's doing his phd, we'd graduate at the same time). I also agree that it is an independent thing and I was doing fine for a long while.. but obviously everyone has their ups and downs.

 

and @JA0371, the distance is about a three hour train journey and he doesn't drive so he's not that flexible really. I know this doesn't seem far when you compare couples accross continents but I think any distance is hard.. How far is your LDR?

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Totally and there are definitely moments when...well...it sucks.... I leaned on friends in terms of filling time going out, doing fun things. In some respects, I think an LDR develops two important things - the fact that you don't lose your identity in the relationship and that you will have excellent communication because you have an awful lot of practice with it. What helps sometimes, at least what helped for me, is when feeling really low just a quick text or a call, a reaching out of sorts and knowing he is there even if it's just a one line thing. It can be comforting that way.

 

But really, are you two actually back together or just talking as friends right now? Where do you two actually stand at the moment? Also, any chance of transferring to his or your uni if you are both totally serious about this? Any vacations or extended breaks coming up soon where you can spend more time together living a more "regular" life that might be less like a honeymoon or more like daily chores?

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Hi Emma.....

 

Mine and my guys situation is: he actually lives about 1 1/2 hours from me, but his job takes him to various places much of the year, but he gets furlough time every month to six weeks. And he's typically at least a plane ride away...1500 miles. We spend time together when he is home and if he has something local with his company. I am a very busy person...so sometimes it works for me, which makes me much less clingy and lonely. Sometimes it gets tough, but I realize that it's his job and it's not like he WANTS to be away from me. We always talk, via text phone etc...so I know I am a priority to him. Does your guy make you feel like a priority or a burden? That makes ALL the difference.

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I totally agree on the not losing your identity thing - I've seen many of my friends become entirely dependent on their other halves and they come out worse when they break up.

 

That's the issue, we aren't back together, we still love each other though. It's so hard because I can't throw myself in there and get hurt again. I can't transfer to his uni (haven't got the grades) so we'd just be sticking it out for 2 and half years. Which I am fine to do, but I know he's not. I know I can't change him, I'm not even thinking of trying to do that..

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Does your guy make you feel like a priority or a burden? That makes ALL the difference.

 

I felt like a priority.. then suddenly his work load got a bit much and he got quite stressed so I think I was an added stress factor or burden yeah.. Now I seem to be back in his priorities but I can't deal with another "let's have a break" moment, so I'm being very cautious here..

 

Your situation sounds pretty sorted though! Well done for coping through it

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I felt like a priority.. then suddenly his work load got a bit much and he got quite stressed so I think I was an added stress factor or burden yeah.. Now I seem to be back in his priorities but I can't deal with another "let's have a break" moment, so I'm being very cautious here..

 

Your situation sounds pretty sorted though! Well done for coping through it

 

How can you be a burden or a stress factor when you aren't even there? Think about this long and hard. It's not like he is stressed and busy and you are demanding that he spend every night with you out on a date. If anything, with an LDR, you have the emotional support, but zero time drain when things are hectic. So if he can't handle that, how would he handle an in person local relationship? I'd be wary of a man who can't handle even an LDR when he is busy....

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Hi Emma,

 

last year I was in an LDR and the distance between us was a 3 hour train journey. I was away for Uni for 1 year in a different city while he stayed in my hometown. Since then I have transferred courses to the Uni I originally planned on going to.

The feeling of saying goodbye to each other was the worst possible feeling in the world. It felt like something had just been ripped from you and you didn't know what. I felt completely lost. The mistake that my boyfriend and I made is that when we saw each other during weekends we'd be completely absorbed in each other. We'd go into what I'd like to call a 'bubble' and then as soon as one of us would leave, this bubble would burst. It didn't help that I absolutely hated the course I was doing in the city. It was terrible, on top of that living in two cities every few weeks it made me feel completely unsettled and split in two. I felt I was loosing my identity, and eventhough we were doing LDR this was adding a lot of stress to me. Maybe your boyfriend is feeling the same?

Fortunately we could see each other every 2-3 weeks and fortunately I was given the oppertunity to transfer back to my hometown which I missed too much.

 

If you love your course, and if you love the friends you have made at your new Uni I would recommend to put things on hold with your guy. To keep things to an open relationship. This is something I would have wished for me because at times the loneliness was so terrible and I felt co-dependant. I always think, if it's meant to be it will happen and if you're mad about each other then you could still have potential in the future.

Personally, I don't think I would have been able to continue another 2 years of LDR. Any lengthly time of LDR has a huge impact on a romantic relationships imo

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