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Sorry for the long message! So my boyfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago and I am having trouble getting over it, especially as I wasn't expecting it. We had been dating 4 months but we met at the beginning of the year at the gym, bumping into each other every now and then and having a chat. He actually persued me in the street when he saw me on two occassions. He finally asked me out for a picnic with his friends this summer. We clicked straight away and started spending a lot of time together, weekdays and full weekends. He was so into the relationship and was full on right from the beignning - he would always be cooking dinner for me, taking me out to the nicest restaurants, theatre, galleries, walks etc. We would also go gym together before going out for the day or cooking some lunch together. He would talk about his family abroad noting that they would love me and his brother kept telling him to marry me! I just kept it a bit cool as it was early days. We also went out with his friends who also really liked me and we all had a great night out. Because of all of this and the amount of time he was investing in the relationship, being affectionate, attentive I thought everything was great, not to mention the intimacy - it was the first time I let my guard down in a very long time.

 

So it came as a shock when he rocked up to mine one day and told me that he wasn't looking for anything serious and didn't want to string me along as I am too nice and that he felt bad that he was selfish with 'sharing' his time and it was not fair on me to see me only when it suits him.....he didn't want to invest time in a relationship. He then said he doesn't even know if he is doing the right thing as he really likes being with me. He spends a lot of time alone and is happy with it this way and his job means he is on the road alone all day and not in an office with others. I mentioned all the stuff he said to me, especially about his family liking me, and he said that they would because I am perfect and 'marriage material' - the girl he wants to take home. I am 31 and he is 36. I don't know what happened and it was only 4 months but feel really broken up as I wasn't expecting it to end so soon and suddenly when things were going well - you do not invest that much time and then do a u-turn if you are looking for a casual relationship! He literally went from hot to cold...

 

I really liked him and he ticked all the boxes of someone I can imagine being with but it feels like I have been given mixed messages and don't even know if there is a way to get him back

 

He called a couple of weeks after we broke up to see how I was and I told him it had been difficult and I had been missing him. i also said the he probalby has moved on as he has this 'out of sight, out of mind' attitude. He said it has been tough on him too....but I guess that doesn't change anything. Recently we have been texting every so often, and he messaged me last week asking if I had been avoiding him as he had not seen me at the gym. I replied 'no' and asked why he would think that. He said it was his way of saying that he hadn't seen me. I told him he has been looking out for me and he replied saying how can I forget the sweetest and cutest girl at the gym. I just said that he knew how I felt and missed the time we shared together but that didn't change anything for him - he didn't reply. I then did see him at the gym the next day and our conversation was so normal. That night he text me saying it was nice to see me and the next morning I got to work and had an email from him with a message saying 'happy friday' and a link to a song. I feel really confused - I do not think anything has changed but I still miss him and he was a genuinally amazing guy and made me feel special.

 

Can a guy really just end it like that because he isn't lookling for anything serious and doesn't want to string you along, because they do like you you, even after the effort he made? I did question if I did something worng or if he just got what he wanted sexually....but then our relationship wasn't about that and I thought he could have continued if he was that fickle as the sex was always great. I feel like I am so confused and hurt and just want him back.

 

Funny thing is, I wasn't even looking for anything serious myself but I ended up falling for him.

 

Sorry, again for the long message

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He seems to be stringing you along now, and you are letting him. People do this because they like the attention, the validation of knowing that someone wants to be with them (even if they don't feel the same way), and the comfort of knowing that he can use you to fall back on. Heed the last poster's advice and begin the process of moving on by cutting all contact with him.

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You didn't do anything wrong. The guy pursued you, dated you, then changed his mind when he found that although you may be perfect he just doesn't want to be tied down. And he's old enough by this time to know that. Four months is still very brief and really not even out of the dating phase yet, so be glad he was honest about it all. Sometimes what looks like a good or even perfect match at first glance ends up not being that on closer examination, which is what this sounds like it was.

 

Until you have zero feelings I'd heavily limit the amount of contact and/or go complete NC and tell him you aren't ready to be just friends and you're moving on. You'll call him when you're ready to talk again. Then stop responding outside of a hi at the gym where you walk past him and don't engage in convo.

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Thanks all for the reply. I am definitely trying the NC....its just really hard! Even I am suprised why a 4 month relationship had this effect on me but I guess he just made an impression on me. We spoke at the gym today (he saw and came to me) and was again so normal and taking about his weekend making pizza (it was something we were going to do together as he is Italian) so that was a bit upsetting....but I just acted nonchalent about it all I think the hardest part for me is the sudden end when things were still new and exciting...no signs it was coming! And secondly, the way he was so open and affectinate when we were together but can so easily shut himself off emotionally now so that i didnt have a chance to even say that I was only taking it as it comes, having fun, enjoying us and was not putting pressure on him to have anything serious as it was still new!! makes me feel like he didnt care at all or he is emotionally stunted. He probably has moved on to someone he can date casually without getting close. I know I just need time and space to get through this but regardless it hurts like hell!

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You were probably a distraction. Maybe he just broke up with a girl and you helped him heal or maybe he needed an ego boost or you were the hot girl at the gym and he had a personal challenge to get you to date him..or maybe he just didnt want to be with you. There could be many reasons why he just decided no more.

My good friend is a serial dater, he has a GF of the month, he really likes them, has fun with them then he will remark how he didnt like something and that would be an instant 'turn off' he could never see past her quirks and stop dating her.

Maybe this guy is looking for the perfect girl but this girl has to be perfect for him. Its nothing you did wrong or nothing that you could of prevented. He just decided that you were not it. It sounded like you were more emotionally invested into him than he was into you. But you know what, thats okay.

At 36 he probably has a history of doing this and now its getting close for him to really think about marriage. So he trolls looking for the right one, he dates and before much more time passes if you are not the one for him, he lets you go. And he will come up to you like nothing bad happened and like you two are buddies.

Dont take it personally..When I say its him and not you, I really do mean it..Just keep doing your thing, live your life and keep going to the same gym and leg press those 300lbs or whatever you do.. Youll be fine..

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Ha! Thanks No1!its always nice to have a guys opinion. I think he is so freaked out by getting close to someone and giving up his time....most his friends...guys and gals....are still casually dating. Yes,i was more emotionally involved as i would have ended it after a couple of months if it was just for fun. Oh well...it is his loss...as much as I miss him...I will find someone who wants to be with me! I just hope he regrets his decision like he said be would but i dont see him settling down anytime soon.

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Well, he was right about one thing. He is not looking for anything serious. And he probably never was.

 

There were a lot of red flags here. Probably a super confident, gym guy who goes from woman to woman. It's the charming ones who go from woman to woman who come on so strong at the beginning. I mean talking about marriage (e.g. his brother's comments) were a huge flag! It sounded like he knows what to say to get a woman interested so he can sleep with her until he's bored. And now he's probably moved on to pursuing other girls.

 

He may contact you when he feels lonely or there are no other girls in his roledex. I would cut this jerk off completely.

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He is one of those guys that are like that. Some guys are marriage minded and some are not. You happen to get the guy that wasnt. He dated you, had fun with you, and decided he didnt want to marry you, he has a very simplistic look at dating, you either get married or not. Hey, at least it wasnt years before he told you this right, or you didnt have a child with him..that would of been ungly... I mean the situation not the child..

Male serial daters probably dont regret things like what he did to you. At one point in his life he was seeing a great girl he would of married and she broke his heart and has been trying to find a replacement ever since, and if you dont fit then he moves on to the next one. Im sure he will miss your company and probably ask you if you want to hang out within the next month, watch, he will ask you if you want to go have drinks or something casual because he needs to be stimulated by a female and if no one is around he will fall back to what he knows.

And remember, its hard to get revenge on a guy that really doesnt care..so no games with him. In fact you probably can tell him he is a big douche and if you say it with a smile, he will probably smile back with you and agree with you.

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Just reading your post and I can totally relate. I was with my ex for 6 months and like you, he filled my head full of wonderful thoughts of us being together for a long time. We are BU 10 weeks now and it does get a little easier. I would recommend no contact, I'm not fully healed yet but I just have to keep telling myself it was his loss and I won't be the last one crying over a broken heart. I suspect he has already moved on and to be honest i wonder how long it will last, before he does it to her. Looking back I ignored the warning signs, 35 and a long line of failed relationships behind him, just trying to slowly put him out of my mind and when the time is right date again, and try not be scared of ever finding that instant connection I had with him. Chin up, I know what your going through!

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Well, he was right about one thing. He is not looking for anything serious. And he probably never was.

 

There were a lot of red flags here. Probably a super confident, gym guy who goes from woman to woman. It's the charming ones who go from woman to woman who come on so strong at the beginning. I mean talking about marriage (e.g. his brother's comments) were a huge flag! It sounded like he knows what to say to get a woman interested so he can sleep with her until he's bored. And now he's probably moved on to pursuing other girls.

He may contact you when he feels lonely or there are no other girls in his roledex. I would cut this jerk off completely.

 

Hi Ms Darcy, I understand what you mean but he wasn't really that confident, gym guy blah blah blah! He actually has lost a lot of weight, through gastric band, so he is still building that confidence. But yes, I think I can see a pattern of him having several short term relationships and always being the nice charming guy (that's just who he is)....I guess it is his way of geting some company for when he wants it etc. But as for the 'marriage' thing, I pretty much ignored it as I myself wasn't looking for anything serious. Like I said, after a couple of months of spending a lot of time together it just felt that it was more than just fun, especially, when he started talking about which date we should celebrate a 1yr anniversary if we made it and introducing me as his girlfriend to others blah blah blah. I wasn't saying that this was going to last (my plan was to discuss where it was going if we made 6 months) but I just wasn't expecting it to end so suddenly and that is what hurts as i ended up liking more than I expected to! I guess seeing him at the gym is proving hard but I will not giving that up.

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Aww Rhythm, thanks for that. I'm sorry your relationship ended and it is nice to hear that you understand. I am trying to keep positive - last week was good, this week so far is not - but life goes on! I hope things work out well for you. I guess that I am attracted to guys in that age range and it worries me that they are all not ready to settle into even the most simple relationships!!

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