Jump to content

Dropped again, 3 weeks BU. Double devastated. Please help.


Recommended Posts

So 3 weeks BU, I very tentatively start dating someone I have known for a long time, who knows the score in terms of where I am at with my emotions. We have met a few times, coffees, long walks etc. Then this weekend he stayed over (had sex). We had a lovely time. Getting to know each other. I've been very wary so close to the BU to keep him at arm's length, but he has been very supportive and keen - talking about travelling together, he's hopes and dreams re. settling down / children, holding hands, public displays of affection, he has been VERY attentive and affectionate. I dropped him back at his place on Sunday, and we left things on a high. He texted me later with further affectionate words.

 

Then this morning - a bomb drops. He texted me that his ex (BU 6 months ago) wants to see him to 'tell him something important'. He doesn't know what it is 'but needs to see what it is' and is seeing her this evening. Furthermore he has 'more feelings for her than he realised'.

 

This is a massive shock. I was feeling ok. Now I am just hugely teary. I have asked if I can see him after work. He has agreed. I then asked if he would be telling me if we can't see each other any more. He has just texted back 'Yes. I have not got over (name of girlfriend). I want to be in a relationship 100% and that would not be fair on you or me.'

 

I can't believe how he has changed so quickly. And I feel so foolish and used. I am frightened that this will make me crack even more. Please help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh wow... I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

 

He might have feelings for her, but if he and she have done nothing individually to resolves the issues which led to their own parts in their break up, then all that is is another break up waiting to happen. And when it does, are you going to be willing to take him back?

 

Thing is he knew when he was asking you out, holding your hand and PDA's that he wasn't over her--that all he was doing was killing time until she yanked his chain. Funny how talk of that didn't arise before you two slept together. I'm quite sure it would have made a difference to you whether or not you would have slept with him.

 

Well, it's a learning experience, if nothing else. Next time you meet a guy, have that talk with him. You have to ferret out of them their feelings about their ex--and if their ex should call them, how quickly would they go bounding back like a puppy only to get kicked again?'

 

Have yourself a good cry and get it out of your system. Not all men are this calculating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This guy probably knew that he still wasn't completely over his ex but, after six months, probably didn't think there was a chance of ever getting back together. I don't think he was necessarily "calculating", he was more likely just trying to move on by seeing someone knew. Now his ex back and you've unfortunately been caught in the crosshairs. The whole situation is unfortunate and he was wrong to start dating others when he wasn't 100% over her, but he certainly isn't the first person to do it and certainly won't be the last. Anyway, I'm sorry that this happened to you - it sucks to pay for somebody else's mistake but don't take it personally or beat yourself up. He was giving you the green light and I think anybody would have opened up given the signals that he was giving. If I were you, I'd thank him for his honesty, let him go, and never look back. I'm sorry ... I wish I had more uplifting advice but I think that's your only course of action at this point.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

See, I don't trust the "my ex just got back in touch with me and I have feelings for her..." BS, especially following so close on the heels of sex with the new person. It sounds like he played OP by pretending to be lovey dovey and once he got the panties, all of a sudden, he remembered he had feelings for someone who, lo and behold, just "came back into my life". Bull!

 

It was something he had been contemplating, not something that sprang up unprompted in the moment. Had he been telling OP "Listen, I've got unresolved feelings for my ex; I'm confused about how I feel and how I want to proceed with you because I'm not over my ex; I don't want anything emotionally heavy with you because I'm really not over my ex", it would have been different and I would have said differently. That's not what OP has written. What she said was:

I've been very wary so close to the BU to keep him at arm's length, but he has been very supportive and keen - talking about travelling together, he's hopes and dreams re. settling down / children, holding hands, public displays of affection, he has been VERY attentive and affectionate. I dropped him back at his place on Sunday, and we left things on a high. He texted me later with further affectionate words.

 

 

And 24 hours later, he flipped the script?

 

I say it's calculating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And there was me thinking my healing was going well. This is just hideous. I've been in floods of uncontrollable tears at work when I found out today, missing an important meeting. I thought this guy was nice. I never expected this shell-shock. He and his ex spent two evenings together before the weekend. I don't think anything 'happened' because I spoke to him late on the first evening and picked him up in my car the second. But my feeling is now, they must have 'talked'. Apparently she texted him on say to ask if he was ok (why?), he said he was with me, then Monday she needs to see him and we're over. I feel such an idiot. And rejected, again. I know I didn't do anything to put him off. He's fancied me for a long time too. Yet he goes back to her. I'm so confused.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was going really slowly, believe it or not. I told him I was still getting over my ex. I turned down a good few dates. I only began kissing him a few days ago. I know it seems quick, believe me. But I've known him for 20 years, on and off, never more than a friend and he listened, spoke intelligently and kindly and I trusted him. Sex WAS weird, and not very relaxed, but we'd spent some time together by then, lots of conversations by phone and so on, and I thought as this was maybe the beginning of a steady relationship which is what he strongly seemed to indicate. When I think of it now, he was keen to do it. I can't believe I've been so foolish. I think my judgement must be skewed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was going really slowly, believe it or not. I told him I was still getting over my ex. I turned down a good few dates. I only began kissing him a few days ago. I know it seems quick, believe me. But I've known him for 20 years, on and off, never more than a friend and he listened, spoke intelligently and kindly and I trusted him. Sex WAS weird, and not very relaxed, but we'd spent some time together by then, lots of conversations by phone and so on, and I thought as this was maybe the beginning of a steady relationship which is what he strongly seemed to indicate. When I think of it now, he was keen to do it. I can't believe I've been so foolish. I think my judgement must be skewed.

 

I understand.. But it there is a huge difference between romantic relationships and friendship, no? And two-three weeks after a BU, getting involved with someone romantically as this (even though it was a long time friend) seems anything but "slow". On the contrary. You have had no time whatsoever to process things

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi pebbles.

 

I can appreciate that it must suck but it was only 10 days ago that you said this …

 

I am still full of love in my heart for my ex.

 

I know you said you wouldn't go back to your ex but it is still very early days and we often say we wouldn't go back when the reality is we would actually go back. If your ex called you and said the same things as this new guy's ex said to him, you may well have been the one breaking up with him. With both of you still getting over previous relationships - and being so close to your last break-up - you were both taking a bit of a risk.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand.. But it there is a huge difference between romantic relationships and friendship, no? And two-three weeks after a BU, getting involved with someone romantically as this (even though it was a long time friend) seems anything but "slow". On the contrary. You have had no time whatsoever to process things

 

I know. But here I am. It was soon, too soon, but regardless of that I didn't expect to go from all on to all off in under 24 hours. I've never been in this position before.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unfortunately both of you got together way too fast when neither of you is really over your past relationships. I would let this guy go, seriously limit the contact, and move forward learning to heal and be happy within myself before starting another relationship so fast. Or just have sex with no expectations of a relationship at this stage of the game. Anything else yeah, it's setting yourself up for more scenarios like this and that's not good. Sorry it happened to you, that definitely sucks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi pebbles.

 

I can appreciate that it must suck but it was only 10 days ago that you said this …

 

 

 

I know you said you wouldn't go back to your ex but it is still very early days and we often say we wouldn't go back when the reality is we would actually go back. If your ex called you and said the same things as this new guy's ex said to him, you may well have been the one breaking up with him. With both of you still getting over previous relationships - and being so close to your last break-up - you were both taking a bit of a risk.

 

I have thought about this. I can honestly say I would not contemplate going back with my ex. There are too many things wrong with the relationship. That doesn't mean I don't love him, but there is no going back. I thought this guy was nicer and much more suitable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have thought about this. I can honestly say I would not contemplate going back with my ex. There are too many things wrong with the relationship. That doesn't mean I don't love him, but there is no going back. I thought this guy was nicer and much more suitable.

 

The thing is, if you still love your ex, then a relationship with this guy was never going to work out. Especially when you only broke up 3 weeks ago. What you have effectively done is to carry all your emotional baggage from your previous relationship onto the next one. You didn't allow yourself adequate time to work through those emotions from your previous relationship …. they were kind of "suppressed" because this new guy was acting like a pain killer …. now that he has gone your emotions from your previous break-up are back but you now have to cope with the extra pain from this new relationship breaking-up.

 

You really need to give yourself time to get over your past relationship. If you were in a more emotionally happier place you would also be able to make better decisions and you may have been able to see that this guy was not ready for a relationship either and would have stayed well clear.

 

Take some time out … be kind to yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks you are right, I was aware this was a pain killer, though it was not calculated - I could almost feel it. My judgement regarding him would have been better too. I questioned him and although he said she and he were friends, ordinarily I would have held back more. I guess because he pursued me so much, I assumed he was completely free. He now says he was in denial (which I find hard to believe, the guy is intelligent and perceptive, he has a masters degree in Psychology). He spoke to me of really liking me and not wanting to get his heart hurt (again). I am his first serious interest since he broke up with his ex 7 months ago, and now she wants him back. A part of me wonders if they talked last week, and he used me to coax her back? Anyway he's gone. And I have to concentrate on me again now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can totally relate to where both you AND this guy are. I split with my ex 10 months ago now - though it has only been 3 months since we finally cut all contact. In those 10 months I have not been interested in anyone else or even the thought of dating or being in a relationship. However a few weeks before Christmas I met a guy when out with mutual friends. He was the first person to actually catch my interest and we swapped numbers. I was totally honest with him. I told him that even after all this time I was still getting over a relationship, wasn't read for a new relationship blah, blah, blah. He said he was in the same position as me, was prepared to take things slow, see what happens blah, blah, blah. I decided it was time to move on so I followed his lead. Now I find myself involved in something that I am not ready for. It felt good for a while but I soon realised that he was way ahead of me and hadn't actually told me the complete truth about his relationship. He had ended things with her and had moved on ages ago. He is well and truly ready for a relationship and now that is what I find myself in.

 

I wouldn't say that he has been pain killer as I am not anywhere near in the same amount of pain I was 10 months ago. He is more of a "squidgy pillow", softening the world around me and making me feel comfortable and looked after again. Squidgy pillows are nice, very nice at times, but what I really want is a fire in my heart again.

 

In essence I think I have experienced (in fact, still am experiencing) to some degree what you and this guy COULD both have experienced. Just like it wasn't calculated on your part (as it wasn't mine), it may not have been for him either. It is easy to convince ourselves that we won't go back to an ex - it helps us to move on. However, when they come back, with their tail between their legs and the puppy dog eyes going on it is easy to see how or why it does actually happen.

 

You may never know the reasons why he went back but, yes, you have to concentrate on you again (and I guess I still need to as well). It probably won't be so hard to get over this guy because of the length of the relationship but you are going to have to deal with residue feelings from your previous relationship. At least you know you can and will move on again … just don't make it too soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can really see the similarities! However, while I was honest about my feelings - he wasn't about his - he now says he didn't know how strong his feelings were for her until she wanted him back. I just can't get my head around that. This guy gave me real butterflies, unlike my ex actually, and that I havn't experienced for a long time. Anyway, at least I have some space and time to properly think and feel without too much pressure.

 

Whatever situation you're in - fire or squidgy pillow - you must be honest with yourself and the other person. Tell the truth, there's no other way!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

However, while I was honest about my feelings - he wasn't about his - he now says he didn't know how strong his feelings were for her until she wanted him back. I just can't get my head around that.

 

Maybe he didn't really know. Maybe it was just an excuse because ultimately he just wanted to try to move on.

 

Yes honesty is ALWAYS the best policy .. but you always need to be honest with yourself first. If I was honest with myself then I wouldn't have headed into anything with this guy because I knew, deep down, that he wasn't being totally honest with me (mostly because his actions and subsequent words didn't match what he had originally said) but, nevertheless, I was hearing what I wanted to hear and that was enough. If you were honest with yourself then you would accepted that you needed more time and had you been looking more clearly you may have seen he was no more ready to be in a relationship that you were.

 

Oh well, we live and learn, that is all I can say!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe he didn't really know. Maybe it was just an excuse because ultimately he just wanted to try to move on.

 

Yes honesty is ALWAYS the best policy .. but you always need to be honest with yourself first. If I was honest with myself then I wouldn't have headed into anything with this guy because I knew, deep down, that he wasn't being totally honest with me (mostly because his actions and subsequent words didn't match what he had originally said) but, nevertheless, I was hearing what I wanted to hear and that was enough. If you were honest with yourself then you would accepted that you needed more time and had you been looking more clearly you may have seen he was no more ready to be in a relationship that you were.

 

Oh well, we live and learn, that is all I can say!

 

Just wanted to say thanks for your helpful words a-little-blue. Very good to share! Although this caused distress and I'm hurt by the rejection, it is actually the ideal 'break' before we became too heavily involved. Yes be honest with yourself first, and honesty all the way!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just wanted to say thanks for your helpful words a-little-blue. Very good to share! Although this caused distress and I'm hurt by the rejection, it is actually the ideal 'break' before we became too heavily involved. Yes be honest with yourself first, and honesty all the way!

 

Yes that is a blessing, You weren't together for too long and although I know it hurts now, I don't think it will take you too long to get over it. However you still need to give yourself some good ole' time out now that you have had two break-ups in quick succession.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...