Will my separation lead to a Divorce... I really hope not

[Mari]

I'm glad to hear you're making good changes. One other piece of advice I'd suggest is to concentrate on keeping the process and letting go of the goal. You want to stay this changed person and make sure that it stays that way. Right now your goal seems to be to get everyone back. Having this goal means if you feel like you're failing, you'll get depressed and change for the worse. Alternatively, if you just focus on the process even if she tells you she'll never be with you, and you stay the great person you are, that may change her mind and she'd end up with you.

 

I got this idea from here and he explains it better:

link removed

[Hobbit 11]

I'm having a really tough time living on my own. My 2 kids and wife are only 6 blocks away with my in-laws but it feels like I have failed myself and worst of all my family. I married the right women and only had the best intentions for her and the family we discussed on having. Now, 4 years later I'm living on my own and having a bad time trying to come to terms that my wife doesn't want me in her life. I'm keeping my distance and giving my wife the space she asked and I can say with great positivity that I have noticed change in my life because I needed this wake up call to adjust my lifestyle. But like my wife says, too little to late. Not even going to try give me another chance at our family and that will tear any loving father and husband up.

I also think my wife is enjoying the new lifestyle at her parents.

She comes home to a clean house, cooked dinner, kids are bathed and already in their P.J's. Washing is done and ironed and all she needs to do is bath or shower, chat on all social networks and watch T.V.

What a big jump from having all those responsibilities as a mother and wife to just relaxing when you get home.

Is this just the break my wife was looking for, surely being 30, having 2 children and still staying with mom and dad isn't the plan anyone has in life.

I'm here for my wife and kids. I always will be and I told her that I will always Love her endlessly. I cant make her change her mind but I have hope and faith that one day she will see the person I have become for myself and kids and want to get to know that person. I'm not going anywhere and I wont look at starting another relationship with any other women.

My wife was there to save me and the lord lead her to me. I want to be there for my wife and kids. I want to be that role model husband and father.

Without her and my kids I wont be a complete person.

I don't want to go down that path again because I have seen where it leads.

I don't want to beg and plead for my wife to come back. That is weak in any women's eyes.

She needs to see the change in me and if she ever does come back, she must do so knowing that the right decision was made for her and our 2 kids.

I Love you Jacqui.

[Hobbit 11]

31 years old and I have never even thought of cheating on my wife. She is beautiful and her personality and generosity towards people animals and me is one key aspect for the reason I Love and married her. I might have been a bit selfish in the past couple of years and we should have resolved this issue together seeking help if it was getting out of control and it was making my wife unhappy. I have had plenty unhappy moment and I myself should have noticed this and spoken to someone about it. But looking back at my attitude towards each situation makes me sick. How could I have been so stubborn to hurt the only person who showed and showered me with love. What a fool and now I am being punished. What goes around comes around. That is one lesson I have learnt these past couple of weeks.

[lostandhurt]

Hobbit,

 

You are going through the stages of grief and loss right now. This is normal and healthy. Don't beat yourself up to much and take all the blame for what is happening right now. It does take two to make a whole marriage. Did you screw up? Yes. Did you take things for granted? Yes. Were you selfish at times? Sure. Admitting these things is the first step in becoming a better you. Not a better father or husband but a better you. Those things will follow as you become the kind of man you want to be.

 

As you described it your wife does have it made but you left a few things out. She has a husband waiting on the sidelines as she lives her life professing his love for her endlessly. Does she have an motivation to see you in a different light? If she doesn't look how can she see? She knows full well that you will welcome her back in a second and that you will be in limbo until she decides the future of your life and your families life.

I know it is not easy but you do really need to look at your life as it is now. You are alone in a place you used to share with your family and you have some free time on your hands. What are you doing with this free time? What did you do before you met your wife? Did any of them stop once you got married or had children? Basically if she sees that you aren't just sitting around hoping for her crumbs she may take notice. We all know the studies showing that people and even animals will ignore what they know they have until someone else shows interest in it. I am not saying to start dating but you do need to be out there enjoying your life, having fun with friends, get back to old hobbies or interests. There is a better chances of your wife paying closer attention to you if she thinks you are getting on with your life without her. Have you been to link removed yet? If not go and do some reading.

 

Stay busy, improve all aspects of your life, schedule a lot of time with just you and your children and get back to the things you love to do.

 

Attraction is way more than just looks

 

Lost

[Hobbit 11]

Thanks Lostandhurt.

 

I have actually started to sort out my house.

Packed all my clothing from when I moved in over a month ago.

Starting to arrange my kids rooms so it actually looks like I'm not alone all the time.

But then when I stop and take a listen, all I hear is silence around my house. Just me on my own and I cant help but think of the past and how happy I was when my wife and kids were around me.

I took that for granted not knowing that my attitude would lead to my wife asking for a separation.

I have started taking time to jog and get into shape.

Wanted to get to the gym again soon but to be honest I have been too depressed to pick up weights.

 

Its going to be difficult for me to try get on with my life without her by my side but what other option do I have.

I Love and respect my wife to honour her wishes and the decision she has made so let me try.

I don't want to push her away buy suffocating her for being around to much and I definitely don't want to be served with Divorce papers in the future.

Best is to keep busy like you said, but in the back of my mind I know that I have only and will only love person and that is the mother of my children and the Love of my life.

[lostandhurt]

Hobbit,

 

You can and will survive and believe it or not even thrive without her. I know that seems pretty far fetched at the moment but in time you will see what I mean.

Stay focused and busy. I completely understand those times when all you hear is silence and your mind wonders to places it shouldn't go. Turn on some music when you are home, stay upbeat about what you do have and not what you do not. Pick up those weights....force yourself to pick them up for now and you will feel better.

Much of what you need to do requires you to consciously do it, even force yourself to do it until you begin to feel better and see a future for yourself. Like I have said, everything you do now is for you whether or not your family is ever whole again.

 

Your children are your saving grace here. I cannot put into words how close my son and I are now after my wife cheated and walked away six years ago. I put my energies into being the best single dad I could be and I do my best for him every single day and it has paid of like I couldn't have dreamed. I look at it this way, I would literally give my life for my son so anything else is gravy.

 

Start planning simple things with your kids. Find a great park and have a old fashioned picnic. Take a Frisbee along or something fun to do. Keep it simple and interactive. Don't become Disneyland Dad but put thought and effort into your time with the children and you will love the results. Bike rides, hikes in the woods, museum's, local plays and the list goes on and on. Put your efforts into the things you can control and ignore the things you cannot.

 

Read my signature below. I have it printed and framed and it sits on my dresser so I see it every morning and every night.

 

Lost

[Hobbit 11]

It has been a while since I visited this forum regarding my situation. I'm still depressed as the first day we separated and what is worse is that I don't think I can get over the fact that I cant be with my kids every night under the same roof as me with my wife. I never got married for this to happen to me and my kids. It wouldn't be easier if we didn't have kids and I would have still fought for my wife because I love her, but the fact still remains that my kids are being brought up by my in-laws and myself. I'm also missing a lot of crucial moment with my son and daughter which I have to hear about and watch over videos. I cant fight the urge and stay away from my wife. If you had to see my wife you would know how difficult this is for me. I don't lust her or obsess over her, I love her and I want to make our marriage work. I have seen a therapist, joined a group of people dealing with the same sort of issues and even joined a prayer group. The prayer group was not to get God to see my pain and help me but instead to help me with my past and assist me in becoming a better person for myself, my kids and my wife. its not easy to turn your life around after going down the wrong path for many years but its a step in the right direction. I'm not a strong person mentally but I have seen a change in my lifestyle and the way I approach every situation I am dealt with. No one is perfect and I still make a few mistakes from time to time but at the end of the day, when I go home to my empty house I cant help but think about my wife and kids. There is absolute no desire for me to try and even think about other women now or in the future. I have so much love, understanding, patience and goodness to give. But I be given the opportunity to express these emotions to my wife because she thinks I will hurt her again. All I asked for was 1 more chance. 1 more chance for her to see the man i have become and to be that father for my 2 children. I would never make the same mistake twice and if I had to for some reason then I would be able to see for myself what drove my wife away from me.

Please can someone help me with a bit of positive information for me to stop being so miserable.

[lostandhurt]

Hobbit,

 

I know it seems as if you are the only one that has been where you are now ( I thought that too when I landed here all those years ago) but what you are going through is pretty common. Knowing that fact doesn't help much other than to help you understand it does get better and you will survive this and have a wonderful life.

 

As far as one more chance goes. She has to see you have changed not be shown or some promises from you. Right now she is living a life that is not real. Her parents are taking care of everything so she is free with little to no responsibilities. What motivation does she have to try again? Do you think that she thinks you are just sitting around waiting for her to take you back?

 

As far as how gorgeous or wonderful she is and how hard it is for you to stay away from her goes. My ex was a stunning woman and I have a good friend that was married to a Playboy model and both of us had a hard time at first just like you but we were only seeing what we wanted to see because we loved them so much. Could this be happening to you as well? You said her parents take care of the kids and all she has to do is take a shower and relax. You also said she is on her phone ALL the time, even in social settings. Sounds pretty rude and selfish to me. As time goes by I think you will begin to see things more clearly and view her in a different light. Not necessarily a bad light, but a different one.

 

This is probably the hardest thing to do right now. To see things through all the hurt, sorrow, loneliness and regret you have swimming in your mind. Keep working on yourself and being a great father, reach out to friends and family instead of just sitting around the house. Your life didn't end when she left....just your marriage.

 

How to stop feeling so miserable? You have 2 wonderful children that love you. You have friends and family that love and support you. You have a stable job and a place to live. You are young and making changes in your life to be a better man. There are many positives in your life if you can just see them.

 

If she knows you are at her beck and call just waiting she will string this along for a very long time. Think about it

 

 

Lost

[attrib1]

Hobbit, be strong. This will take time. I say this to you in part to help you but also to convince myself of the same thing (being patient).

 

I am in similar situation however I am still living with wife and kids under same roof so that helps a lot.

 

Its tough though not being able to confide with or be affectionate to the woman you married, I can only imagine how hard it is for you not to have your kids around to keep a smile on your face.

 

Find hobbies (new or old ones), meet up with old friends, re-dedicate yourself to your career - its how I am keeping busy.

 

We can be strong together. Good luck

[Hobbit 11]

Wow.

 

Its been so long sinnce my last update on this site. I think because its been such a long tedious journey these past couple of months by myself. It has been 2 years since my wife decided that she has had enough and moved back in with her parents. Looking back I had to ask myself, was I that bad of a person that the women I wanted to share the rest of my life with just didnt feel the same way. And my conclusion is that I was that bad.. I was a bad husband at the time and I was very selfish towards my wifes feelings and what she wanted. And I was so blind to see what was going to happen if I carried on down this path to self destruction. What my wife did 2 years ago, deciding to leave me was actually a blessing is discuise and if anything her decision has helped me to change the way I now leed my life moving forward. I dont like to use the word change because do we really change?? There is no switch. We can say we have changed and try keep up that apperance but how long will it last. I have changed in the way that everything I did in my past has tought me a lesson. Good or bad.. Right from wrong.. And if I want to be happy one day then those are the lessons that will help me be a better person to myself and others around me. Its hard for me to try and get my ex wife to see this side of me because we hardly spend a lot of time together. I'm always asking her and the kids out for dinner or breakfasts but I think she feels un easy around me. I think its very diffcult for someone to try and open up their hearts again to let someone in if that someone was the reason for breaking that heart. I can honestly say that I have though about my wife every night before I close my eyes and go to sleep and she is my 1st thought in the morning. That is no lie... And that is so hard to deal with on a daily basis. Sure I get my job done during the day and walk around like a normal person, but for anyone who has been down this road knows that this is one of lifes most difficult challenges. And I have lost both parents and never went through as much pain as this. 2 years of my mind constantly working on ways to get my ex wife to see the person I am now and for her to just open up her heart to let me win her feeling back. I'm not askingn her to pack up her things and move back in with the kids. Im asking for time to get to know the person I have grown to like myself. But am I selfish asking her for this. I had the time when we were married and now is it too little to late like my ex says. I know what I want and if it takes me another 2 years of my life to persue my happiness in getting my ex to see that i am not a bad person then so be it. I have not even looked at another women or had thoughts of trying to start a new relationship. Im pretty dam sure she has tried with 1 or 2 guys at her office and I think she was denied by the one guy. Her whatsapp profiles can say a lot and when I see these updates it brings me to my knees to know that she is moving on and that I am just a distant memory.... It was our anniversary yesterday so I bought her flowers and had them delivered to her office. Wow did I get a good talking to over the phone. I think I over stepped the line. Especially because I;m sure all the staff there must have asked who these are from and whats the occasion. Which must have put here on the spot to answer who these were from.. Am I wrong for still trying to show my ex wife the person I am now and that I can be the man she needs in her life or must I try and back off and give her the space she needs.. My wife is very beautiful and I know that any guy will try to start a relationship with her. That is what is slowly killing me inside. I think this is why I came back to this site. I really need some usefull information from someone out there. But then again I'm a bit scared that you will tell me to forget about her and move on with my life.. Its hard when you have only Loved 1 person your whole life and a few mistakes has lead to heartache and lonleyness..