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Will my separation lead to a Divorce... I really hope not


Hobbit 11

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I have been married to my wife for 4 years now and we were dating for 5 years before we took the next step in living the rest of our lives with each other.We have 2 beautiful children with my daughter being the oldest at 3 years. The first year of our marriage was like living a fantasy. I Loved my wife and she Loved me unconditionally. I was never an affectionate person giving my background and my wife was brought up in a loving home and was showered with affection from her mother. When my daughter was born I felt the love slipping away from me and I am to blame for that. I was ready to be a father but didn't realise how difficult it would be. I did help my wife Jacqui but according to her (and I think she is right) I wasn't there enough. Over the next couple of months I really became a bad person towards her and her feelings. We had good times and bad times together but the bad times outweighed the good times. I was unhappy and I informed her about this on a regular basis. Looking back I wish I had just changed my attitude towards each situation. I was a hard stubborn person and I really only thought of myself from time to time. We were also cramped up living in a cottage with her sister and brother in law. A 1 bedroom place. I couldn't take the small living area any more and moved to a house around the corner. We had our son on the 11th of May and I am a very proud father. My wife was on maternity leave for 4 months and this really took a strain on our finances. I had my responsibilities to pay for and so did my wife. I took care of the rent, lights and water, security, groceries and entertainment from time to time. My wife handled the school fees, medical aid, insurance and my car payments. She fell behind on all the payments and after the 4 months she started getting letters from everyone. I was a fool and had an argument with my wife instead of taking her hand and telling her that everything will be O.K. This really opened up my wife's eyes and she must have asked herself if this is what she wants in a husband. During her maternity leave she found a new job with greater pay which is what she deserved. she is awesome as a graphic designer. This new job has boosted her confidence as a person and she is dressing up like a professional for her line of work. Being in the corporate industry now I am sure all the guys are passing her comments and even trying their best to win her over. We separated in the beginning of 2014 and she moved in with her parents and out 2 kids. I moved into a new place as my lease agreement was up. I snooped through my wife's phone one night and saw a message to her best friend "maybe I should tell Ryan how excited I am to go to work to see you know who, maybe he will open his eyes then". Well I can tell you my heart pounded like it was going to explode. My wife lives on her cell phone. Day and night. Even in company her eyes are burred into that screen. I have been told that she needs her space during this separation but I am so depressed. I have done the stupid thing by begging and the constant reminder that I love you and I cant be without her. She told me that I need to work on my issues and that I need to put our kids first. She wont give me a guarantee that it will work out between us. I am seeing a therapist to resolve my issues in life but how can she see the change in me if she is never around. I Love my kids and my wife. They are all I have in life and I don't think I could carry on without Jacqui there by my side for support. I havent even unpacked my clothing into our cub bards because I'm saving space for her clothing. I'm scared that if I give her the space she needs then someone else will mend that broken heart and I cant stand to see another man making my wife and kids happy. How do I proceed in this situation?

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You need to work on your issues and put your kids first i.e. do what she asked you. And you need to stop worrying about guarantees. There are no guarantees in life. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. The best thing you can do right now is to focus on fixing whatever you need to fix within you and give her the space she asked. Seeing a therapist means that you are taking positive steps in the right direction. Keep going. Keep trying to make yourself emotionally healthier. One day at a time. Good luck!

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I am glad to hear you are getting couseling for yourself to help you thru this, but have you asked your wife is she'll attend marriage counseling with you? Some couples can separate for a while and work on their issues and successfully reunite again for a stronger marriage, but you both need to agree to work on it and get the help of a professional to steer you through this. If she won't even agree to go to counseling with you, I am not sure how serious she is about staying in the marriage. And if she is sparking on another man, this separation could be all about her 'experimenting' with dating him to see if she likes him better (and whether he is willing to date her or not).

 

So i suggest you immediately ask her to attend marriage counseling to work on the marriage. And if she is dating other men, i doubt she will work with you until she decides she wants the marriage more than she wants to date around.

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It's a thing of continual amazement; how a unloving husband only wants to change after he discovers his wife is a desirable woman and can live without him.

 

You said, "I'm scared that if I give her the space she needs..."

- This is just a continuation of your unloving ways. You lost the right to tell her what to do a long time ago. (Her bills, your bills... Your kidding right?)

 

It's very late for this relationship. (Notice I didn't say marriage?)

 

Decide if you willing to change into a genuinely loving man/husband. If so, secretly purchase Gary Smalley's "If only he knew" and keep coming back to ena.

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Thank you Clio. Ill need to give my wife the space she asked for.I need to respect her decision and this is where it starts if I want to become a better person to her as her husband. But at the same time its very, very difficult for me to get her out of my mind. I also cant stop thinking about all the things I have done wrong over the past 4 years and this is why I cry myself to sleep every night. I think I am being selfish by only thinking about her all day and only about my children every now and then. The thing is I know that during the day they are at school and after that they get picked up by my father in law and they are always in good hands and safe company. It going to be quite a long road for me if I don't start healing now.

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We went to the counsellor last weekend and I was asked to leave the room so my wife can express all her feelings and to explain what she sees is the problem in our marriage. This weekend I will find out what was discussed when I will be there on my own. Over the next couple of weeks I would like to include my wife in the sessions. What is constantly on my mind is the fact that she could be hooking up with someone at the office. This will tear any man apart. Watching the person you love most loving someone else. I was my wife's first and she has only been with me since that night. I have also never cheated or even thought of cheating on her. When I ask the question if there is someone else then I get the reply "There is no one else, I don't even know if I can even be around men after what we have gone through". The answer I would have given if the roles were reversed is that we are MARRIED and I would never ever think of doing that to you. No matter what situation we are in. It would make me happier if I could just get hold of her phone to do some snooping around. But at the same time the last time I did this I found what I didn't want to see.

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You said, " It would make me happier if I could just get hold of her phone to do some snooping around."

- More evidence of your unloving ways!

 

fyi, you last two posts had at least twenty "I" in them.

 

Hobbit, my sole reason for being on ena is to save marriages.

 

I saved mine and try to teach other hapless husbands how to recognize the patterns of a failing marriage. Her talking to other men is a typical pattern of most wayward wives.

 

Personally, from what I have read, unless you change you selfish ways… your chances are zero.

 

What to do:

- First, you can only change yourself but in doing so you may be able to draw her back to you.

 

- Stop thinking counseling and space are going supply the magic-trick needed to bring her around to her senses.

It won’t! She's only doing it to say she tried everything.

 

- Get Smalley today and tell us what offenses she complained to you about.

 

PS, Never tell her what to do again.

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Hello Lester. Ill take your advice. Because we drive together in the morning to work and home again we chat a lot. I don't bring up anything that will upset her or the situation we are in because we cant start from the beginning again. She is being more friendly to me again at her parents house and that is also because the time I am in her company I am around my 2 kids playing with them. I'm not a miserable sod around her and her parents and I actually put on a brave face. Last night when I was leaving, my 3 year old daughter cried and held on to me because she wanted to spend the night with her dad. She does this every time I want to leave. Last night I took her with me as my wife said it will be O.K. I don't think they want to see her sad and upset because her dad leaves the house every night without mommy. Today my wife was dressed to kill wearing a beautiful short dress and high heels. She loves looking good as she has the figure for it and she pulls it off very well. I'm proud of her and its great that she has all the confidence in the world again. I can tell you now that no man in her office wouldn't look twice at her before thinking to themselves, dam I would love to have one night with that sexy hot mommy, and I believe she is currently separated from her husband. How would this situation not effect any man with a gorgeous wife. But I only complement her when she drops me off and I say have a great day. That is the right thing to do in our situation isn't it. working on being positive towards her feelings and her needs.

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Telling her she looks nice, (not hot), is a good thing... for any husband/man/son/father to say each day to all the women in his life.

 

Did you get Smally?

 

Helpful hints:

- It's not about her or other people; it about you changing into a loving man/husband. Divorce is certain if you refuse and you bad, unloving ways will be carried into your next relationship. (Now you know the main reason for multiple failed marriages.)

 

Hobbit, try to answer questions with one or two sentences. Don't go into a lot of useless detail... I knew what she/you were doing years ago.

Use paragraphs.

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Hi Lester.

What is Smally?

 

This is the advice I have been looking for. Thank you.

I have been reading plenty threads on this site and the majority of the information supplied is pretty basic. All sounds good in theory but to apply your mind set takes a strong person who is willing to achieve the end goal. Might not turn out as expected or hoped for but the end result would initially to be happy with ones self.

Ill do my best and let God do the rest.

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I am referring to Gary Smalley’s book “If only he knew”

 

This is one of two books I credit for saving my marriage. Mr. Smalley teaches you how a woman/wife thinks.

Once you know/have this information you can think back and more clearly understand the complainants your wife leveled at you.

 

Example:

You, (or allowed her), divided household expenses into separate responsibilities. While having a baby she couldn’t work and fulfill her agreement to her taskmaster. (you)

You then augured and admonished her for falling behind in her duties!

 

Hobbit, how on earth can you talk about God when God himself would have punched you in the nose!

 

You must learn to be a loving husband/man. Gary Smalley, I and others here can help you… but you must be willing to change your outrageous unloving ways.

 

Fyi:

Being a man, you may not know… but having a baby is not a one to seven day experience, process or event.

Instead, think years.

 

PS, Did you ever apologize to her for the bill payment/baby debacle?

PS2, Do you understand loving married couples share and pool everything?

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Morning Lester.

 

I looked up Smalley and I will go past CNA this evening to see if they have a copy.

Over the last few weeks I have had a lot of time to sit and think about what I have done in the past to upset my wife. I have gone through every scenario where I have made her unhappy or I have let her down as a husband. I myself cannot believe how selfish I was for not assisting my wife with the finances. Not that I had a lot of spare cash lying around but I could of at least taken the burden off her shoulders buy taking that debt responsibility from her. I think that situation opened her eyes to the kind of person she didn't need in her life any more. I wish I punched myself in the nose for not thinking clearly.

I have since then re assured my wife that every month I will be paying towards each and every amount of debt she has till its all settled. Might take a few months but at least she knows I am helping and soon it will be settled.

 

I also did something last night I don't think I should have. I did a lot of research on the internet and I printed an article.

I read it and it was very interesting. Its was about how to save a marriage and pushing buttons which makes one another upset in different situations.

its was a very interesting article and I forgot the link.

When I was leaving her parents house I asked to speak to her.

I told her that we need to see someone together to come back and build our marriage on a stronger foundation and that I am getting positive help for me a few people. One person being you.

I don't think it went to well because she told me that all I am thinking about is myself. I said that we have 2 beautiful children and I am missing them. I re assured her that if its time she needs then take all the time you need, but start to think about the future of our kids and our future together as a family. Starting a relationship with someone else from scratch or building on ours. I'm here for her but I'm also having mixed feelings that there might be someone else slowly working on her feelings.

 

PS, I did apologise for the baby debacle.

PS2, I understand now that a loving couple share all the good and bad together.

 

She also just asked for the therapists number because I think she has something to say about what we discussed last night.

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What is cna? If a regular/secular bookstore, don't be surprised it they don't have Smalley. On-line is much quicker. (Don't tell her or let her see this book)

 

As I mentioned in a earlier post to you... stop telling your wife what to do. I know you are anxious to prove to her your desire to change but she will only view this a pathetic weakness.

 

Instead of changing into a loving husband you are still trying to control her back to you.

This will fail and it will also help drive her into the arms of the hidden man.

 

Yes there is a hidden man, and in your case... who would blame her. (Not me)

 

Helpful hints on becoming the loving husband who won his wife back:

- You must genuinely love your wife first. (Smalley)

- You must read "If only he knew" today. (Can you buy a ebook?)

- You must stop telling her what to do.

 

First aid:

- Don't tell her what you are doing. Don't tell her about this forum or anything you are doing to change into a loving husband. She must see it... not hear it.

 

- When you see or talk to her... just listen to her and nod your head. Never defend yourself again!

 

- Do something to improve or update your appearance today.

 

PS, Again... stop talking so much! Listen, listen and listen. If you let her... she will talk. Once she does, it will hurt you but it's the only way she can heal from your unloving ways. Say your sorry for the bad things you did... and then shut up.

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Hello AutumnBorn.

Thank you for the link.

I will go and have a look at it.

I must say that I have been trying my hardest to give my wife the space she asked for and so far I think I am succeeding.

Had both my kids this weekend and when I arrived home after by myself after taking them to where my wife is staying, I couldn't help but sit in my lounge in the dark and think about how much my little ones mean to me and that I want them around me all the time.

I miss being busy and taking care of their every needs and believe me my daughter is a very busy little 3 year old.

My 8 month old needs attention all the time and bonding with him from this age opened my eyes to see what my wife went through those times I was not there to help her.

I enjoy these moments with my kids like any father would and I wish I could turn back time to have done this in the very beginning.

I thought I wasn't ready to handle babies but the truth of the matter is that I lied to myself by telling myself that I cant.

I will tell every father out there to cherish these moment with their babies and remember their kids first everything, because I am missing a few moments not being around my little ones all the time.

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I'd recommend two basic changes for you that you should try to do every day.

 

1) Ask yourself, is there anything at all you can do for your wife or your kids to make them happy. When you wake up in the morning, ask yourself that. What can I do today that will make their lives easier or make them happy. And then try to do that thing. If it means you send back cookies, or a dinner back with your wife when she picks up the kids, great. If that means you come by to spend time with them, or if you bring over some extra groceries, or if you come by and shovel their driveway, do it. And if they ask you if you're doing this to gain her back. Tell them that although you'd be really happy with that, you're doing this just to maximize the enjoyment of the time you have left.

 

2) Listen to her and accept what she says. You're trying to correct what she should say and that makes you dismiss what she actually says. She is on the phone a lot and maybe there is another guy, but when you asked her, her response was that you were so awful to her that she doesn't want to even try another guy. She doesn't even want to take another chance and have it end up like it did with you. You asked her how you can get her back and she told you: "take care of the kids" So do this. She needs to first see that you're a good father and then after that she *might* consider whether you'd be a good husband. And she needs to see this as a consistent, long term change.

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Hello Mari.

 

I do what I can for my wife and kids and my wife knows that I will do anything for her and our children. I have seen the small changes in myself and my wife told me the other day that she is also noticing a bit of change in my attitude. I used to approach life very aggressively in the past and when I look back I can say that I was a total hot head. Each and every day I try do do something for my kids and wife. Something small so that she doesn't think I am trying too hard. Going to the Zoo this weekend with my wife and kids just to get away from all the emotional stress this situation has put on us, (me) and this way I get to see all the joy and excitement on my daughters face.Also to bring some joy back to me by spending time with my family out in the open.

 

I also find that we are actually having meaningful conversations in the car to and from work every day. Those conversations were always there between us, but only now I realise how important the information is that we share with each other. I haven't been speaking to people much and I look forward to chatting with my wife because I am seeing the conversations from her point of view and what she is experiencing on a daily basis.

I Love my 2 kids and wife very much and wish we were not going through this situation, but at the same time, I think my wife needed to do this to me in order for me to see the person I was becoming and that wouldn't have been a good living situation for the kids or my wife.

Changing for what is best for my 2 kids is what I am concentrating on doing and I only have hope and faith that my wife will see the better person I have become and slowly let me back into her life.

 

Being there for my wife and kids and punting their needs above mine is what I need to do as a husband and father.

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I had a good weekend with my wife and kids.

I was up early on Sunday and couldn't wait to get out my house to see my kids and wife.

We got to the Zoo early and started walking around. I really enjoyed every minute I spent with my family and not once did I bring up the separation with my wife.

I think we just both needed to be out in the open space with our 2 kids.

It actually felt like we were together again because we were both amicable towards each other even though it was killing me inside that my beautiful wife is right next to me and I cant even kiss her or hold her hand. All I can can do now is be there for my kids and hopefully one day my wife will see that I am not the person I used to be and slowly we can start working on being in each other's lives again.

 

I am still lonely as hell being all by myself at home and there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do to try get my wife back. She doesn't love me and this I know but that doesn't mean I have given up on us. I will fight for her and I want to make her happy, if this takes a few months or years then so be it. Just hope I don't screw it up by breaking down again which made me look so weak in her eyes.

Looking forward to the next outing which I would have to plan to have my family around me and having a good time.

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Wow. Sounds like one of those "be careful what you wish for" situations. You were miserable and thought she wasn't doing her part and now she's doing well and is happy and that bothers you. Sounds like you are a bit jealous too. If you want to attempt damage control ask her to meet you over the weekend for coffee so you can talk. Don't corner her in the car on the way to work. You DO have plenty to talk about being separated and all. First words out of your mouth should be "I was wrong and I am sorry" and should be followed by "I want to see if it's not too late to save this because I love you with all my heart". Don't even mention the kids. Of COURSE you love them. It is a given. She wants to know how you feel about HER. At this point there may or may not be someone else. More than likely there is no one new since she is willing to entertain going to counseling. The bottom line here is it doesn't even matter if a new guy has caught her interest. You are pleading your case here and trying to win her back. Make sure you want her back for the right reasons. Make sure it is because you love her and not because somebody else might be interested.

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I couldn't be happier that my wife is doing well at her new job. I was behind her to move forward and venture out into the market because she is very good at what she does. I was also hoping that that this new position was going to take a lot of pressure of her because of some financial issues we have been having. But it turned out that with this new job came a new start for my wife and it didn't include me in it.

Sure I spend a time with her in the morning to work and back home again, but going back home to an empty house without my children and her there is very, very very depressing. And what's even worse is trying to fall asleep in an empty double bed where my wife used to be every night.

 

Over the last couple of weeks, going to see a therapist and also receiving some good information from people on this Forum I have noticed a change in my attitude towards the way I am dealing with different situations. I am a much calmer person and even my desire to go out to pubs or with friends has died. I am slowly becoming the person my wife met in the beginning of our relationship and I only wish I had done something to adjust my attitude months ago.

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You know she must find her way back to you and for that to happen you must be attractive to her. Not just physically but as a father, friend and above all as a man.

 

For women with children there is nothing more attractive than a great father that has an awesome relationship with his children. Make a list of the things you want for your life. Loose weight, work out, spend more time with good friends (not going out drinking) , planning time with just you and the kids, eating healthy, expanding your mind and attitude......

 

Make a list and put somewhere you can see it so it can remind you when you are all alone and just want to curl up on the couch in front of the TV and wait till it is time to go to bed. There is much to be done whether she comes back or not so get to it.

 

Lost

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