Dealing with a manipulator and facing some huge choices - confused

[dulcedulce]

My wife and I have 2 daughters, one by birth and one is adopted from China. A while ago, my wife bullied me into agreeing to adopt a 3rd child from China. She insinuated that we would break up if I didnt go along with it, and made my life a living hell by arguing about it repeatedly in front of our children - something I asked her not to do. Now that we are supposed to fly to china in a few months, I started to really resent the fact that I was being bullied into this huge life changing situation. We barely make ends meet as it is. She is qualified to be a teacher and i wanted her to go back to teaching but she would rather stay at home and be a new mommy. She will be working one day a week.

 

Recently, I told my wife that I didnt want to go through with the adoption, and she said that it was too late. Her aunt gave us the money and alot of it has been spent and she is somehow attached to this 2 year old that she wants. She said that if I tried to stop the adoption at this point, that we would be getting a divorce. I figured that we would be getting separated soon, so I chatted up this woman at work who i am very attracted to. That is on hold for now and we never had sex or anything, but there is something there in the future if i want it. Right before christmas i told my wife that i really didnt want the adoption and somehow using her wife powers asked me if i was seeing someone else. I didnt want to lie, so i told her that there was someone i was interested in, but that nothing had happened yet. We fought and it was a very tense christmas break and nothing got resolved but we are scheduled to go to counseling in 2 weeks.

 

My wife showed up at my work last week with pictures of the child she wants to adopt. She showed them to the secretaries and told them that we were going to be adopting soon. Then she found me in a meeting and started showing pictures to my coworkers. We had a lovely fight at home about that, and she said that she didnt do anything wrong because that is what we are doing. Then the next evening while im asleep, she hacks into my facebook account and posts a picture of the child and says that we are going to adopt her in a few months. Im thinking this is the last straw. I am friends with alot of coworkers by the way. I took a screen shot so that I can show the lawyer on Tuesday and i emailed it to a couple of friends. I have since disabled my account. The wife was going through my email and saw that i had sent the picture to a friend with the caption "this is the child she wants to adopt."

 

The wife says "thats it. were done." I say "ok". My daughter is awake and has to hear the fighting which went on until 3 in the morning. So yesterday Im taking my daughter to the doctors office and wife calls and says that she would like to go to China with a friend and have custody signed over to her and that her aunt would get it in writing to support the baby. The aunt is very wealthy. I agree to this. I am seeing a lawyer for the first time tomorrow so Ill see if this is even possible. Wife says the aunt will give us money every year even if we stayed married. It is a sizable amount 40k. This would help our family alot if i stay. And it removes my objection that we cant afford it. The question is do i stay and if i do why. We have been together for 20 years and this dynamic of my wife bullying to get her way is nothing new and I doubt it will change. I am pretty much numb at this point. I think i know what im going to do, and then she throws something new at me. What would you do in this situation?

[Hoody]

I would say pass on the money and her. Dont spend the rest of your life unhappy because of someone else. you can take care of YOUR kids without her if im not mistaken? I would be blunt with her and tell her that your unhappy because shes manipulating your life and you are your own person not the person shes trying to force you to be. Thats just my opinion but everyone has one.

[Kendahke]

Continue on with the divorce and let her be a burden to her aunt.

[Seraphim]

She thinks she can buy you ,wow that's pretty disgusting. Go ahead with the divorce and make sure you get partial custody of your children.

[itsallgrand]

Wow. How sad. She's willing to destroy her marriage and treat her husband and current children like absolute poo, simply because she is obsessed with acquiring more kids. And she doesn't like to work. That seems to me to be all about what she wants, period. Not about the kids.

 

I agree with you continuing on with the divorce. Doesn't look like this marriage is salvageable at this point. And that you have given up on that , as well. You are 'done'.

 

I think you should put extra effort into keeping your nose clean and watching out for your kids. What I mean be that is; hold off on pursuing that other woman (or any other women). I'm not sure why you did that - but it looks really badly in this situation. Even to be out there doing that priming someone ' for later'. You are still a married man. And if a divorce happens, that could get thrown around.

Also, the fighting around the kids.

What you could always do is find somewhere and simply, if she decides she wants to get into it with the kids around, you scoop them up and you leave with them. Just refuse to engage or let them be around that.

 

I feel bad about the new arrival she plans on bringing home too. Poor kid.

[Seraphim]

Is there a way you can contact the adopting agency? Let them know that she will be doing this on her own. A lot of countries won't adopt children out to single parents. That might be a way to stop her from destroying another child's life. She needs to get her priorities sorted out.

[itsallgrand]

Is there a way you can contact the adopting agency? Let them know that she will be doing this on her own. A lot of countries won't adopt children out to single parents. That might be a way to stop her from destroying another child's life. She needs to get her priorities sorted out.

 

Good call!

[DancingFool]

I think you need to hear it from a lawyer what your legal options are and how this may shake out for you before you do anything at all.

 

Your wife sounds like she has some serious psychological issues and manipulation is the least of them. Her desperation and willingness to do anything at all to adopt this child, pretty much acting like a desperate drowning person, is your big clue that she needs psychiatric help today and immediately. This is way more serious than she is just being willful. You mentioned that you have agreed to counseling together. Please follow through with that and see if you can move up the appointment. You both need it badly, not even for the sake of the relationship, which may be finished, but for yourselves individually. As much as you would like to put this all on the wife being evil, you have not handled this well from the get go as well and that's your own personal problem that can't be blamed on the wife.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I'm not sure why you made a new user name and just didn't update your last thread but IMO, you need to seek counselling. If you've spent 20 years with someone who bullies and manipulates to get what they want, who uses money to try and buy compliance to their wishes, you need more help than an internet forum is capable of providing. Also, you should get therapy for your children, not only because of the upcoming divorce but also because having a mother like that, they are going to need it.

[dulcedulce]

As much as you would like to put this all on the wife being evil, you have not handled this well from the get go as well and that's your own personal problem that can't be blamed on the wife.

 

I know that I am partly to blame for this and my behavior has not been perfect. I agreed to the adoption originally because I thought that if i didnt we would be getting a divorce and i did not want to split up the family since i do have 2 children. I am trying to find a counselor that I can talk to by myself. I dont think that my wife is evil even though I am angry with her right now.

 

Here are some things from earlier that illustrate the dynamic of our relationship. When we lived at another house, it had wall to wall carpeting. My wife wanted me to tear it out and put in hard wood floors. I said no because i liked the carpet, didnt want to spend the money on it and did not want to spend the time to install it. One night as I was sleeping, my wife tore out the carpet in the whole house. Living room, halls, bedrooms, everywhere. Guess what? I put in the hard wood floors. Maybe not a deal breaker, but annoying. She wanted to buy a walking machine. It cost 1000 dollars. Keep in mind that she had previously had 2 walking machines and sold them after she stopped using them. I said please dont buy it, but she did anyways. It stopped working after a few months and has been sitting unused in our basement for 7 years. She brings home animals even when i ask her not to. At one point we had 6 cats and 2 dogs. She wanted to buy steel doors for the basement and they cost over 500 dollars. I said we didnt need them. She bought them anyway. She also refuses to try attending another church even though she knows i dont like the one we have been going to.

 

That sounds like a lot of negative stuff, but nothing that is really a deal breaker. My annoyance is that she does not respect my feelings and does what she wants even when I dont agree. When there isnt a conflict, we do get along ok. I am torn because we have been together for a long time and she says that she loves me and wants me to stay. Im not really sure how i feel about her anymore after going through this adoption issue which admittedly I did not handle very well myself. And I dont know how much of a factor this is, but I have been less attracted to her sexually. She has been saying for a few years now that she is going to lose weight, and I used to be supportive and say that she looked fine. But recently I have been more honest - i said that i thought we could both stand to get in better shape. I didnt exactly call her fat, and she isnt obese by any means, but she got the message. I am very attracted to this other woman, although right now nothing is going on and I know that I will not really be able to date until a divorce is over and she says she will wait. And its not just a physical thing - we are compatible and have a connection. I think that we could be happy together in the future. She is divorced and was in a relationship with a spouse that was a bully so we have that in common.

 

If I stay with my wife and the aunt does give us 40k a year (i would need this to be lawyered up properly) it would help us to save money for the girls college etc. That would be good for my girls who I love very much and it would keep them from going through a divorce, so those are positive things. Is it worth it? I feel like im being selfish if i walk away because of the impact it will have on our girls. I am going to a lawyer tomorrow so I'm going to run all this by him. I'll let yall know what he says. Thanks for the advice.

[bulletproof]

My annoyance is that she does not respect my feelings and does what she wants even when I dont agree.

 

But you do agree- you agree by not having left her when this first started happening.

 

You are thinking about agreeing again, by staying for this money. It's the same scenario as the adoption she "bullied" you into- she is just using a more tangible bait to get you to do what she wants.

 

If you want to leave her, then do so. If not, don't. But do not stay with her for the money. I suspect her aunt will help her out whether you are in the picture or not.

[DancingFool]

Look, the more you write about her, the more I see just how badly she needs psychiatric help. Adopting all those animals is just another twist to the same problem. You've been together for 20 years. As for the carpet and the other stuff, we are only hearing your side of the story here, so I will pass on jumping on her as a bully. Go to counseling and help her and help yourself. After such a long time together, you owe yourselves that much at least before calling it quits.

 

As for the other woman, the only bond there is misery loves company. It's not a healthy bond and it won't last. That kind of connection is ultimately toxic. You are just putting yourself in to a different kind of mess even if you don't see it yet and it sure feels good for now.

[dali]

Go to counseling and help her and help yourself. After such a long time together, you owe yourselves that much at least before calling it quits.

 

 

This. Give it a shot you never know it could work. After 20 years you deserve to give it your best effort to rekindle what you once had. Don't listen to these people who say "dump her" , "divorce her". Seriously try to work things out.

[dulcedulce]

I think you should put extra effort into keeping your nose clean and watching out for your kids. What I mean be that is; hold off on pursuing that other woman (or any other women). I'm not sure why you did that - but it looks really badly in this situation. Even to be out there doing that priming someone ' for later'. You are still a married man. And if a divorce happens, that could get thrown around.

 

I hear you. This was a mistake (clearly). At the time I was out of my mind with stress and not thinking clearly. It might have been a nervous breakdown. I've never been in that state before.

 

As for the other woman, the only bond there is misery loves company. It's not a healthy bond and it won't last. That kind of connection is ultimately toxic. You are just putting yourself in to a different kind of mess even if you don't see it yet and it sure feels good for now.

 

I disagree - there has been an attraction between us for quite a while, along with a strong connection way before any of this drama started. I had just never acted on it.