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How much support should you give an ex??


Selflove1

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So from May up until Xmas I knew about one woman he cheated with, and not all the one night stands.

 

But throughout those months I was still supportive of him, I could see he was dealing with a lot of issues and because I still love him it hurts to see him hurting. Also throughout those months I was kept in a relationship mindset because of everything he'd say and because even though he cheated I still had some trust in him. Also throughout those months we'd keep saying "this is it. We only need to talk for the kids sake" but it never lasted as we'd be having deep talks and family days etc

 

But he was never there for me when I needed to cry and be comforted, he'd just leave "because I can't handle seeing you like that" and get angry with me. I want to be there for him still, he hasn't got a good family network and social support like I do but he refuses to talk to me and let me in. I know I shouldn't want to cos the way he's behaved, never makes an effort with our children, still in denial about a woman he's seeing even though I've said its fine it's helping me move on.

 

So how do I handle this? We have to stay in touch for children's sake (even though it's mostly me initiating) I have lost my best friend. I've remained strong in that I don't ask him about these women anymore, or ask about details like when I first found out in June (the first I knew about) I feel like if I love him enough he will sort his life out (he's had a troubled one) but I know if I do that it's basically saying "hey! Walk all over me!" Lol should I support him when he's ready to confide in me or shall I make effort for those who deserve it?

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I say no. There's no need for you to be there to give support or to let him confide in you. He can go to the women he's banging for that. Put your time and energy into people who value you and respect you. Be there for them and nurture those relationships. He's shown you who he is and yes it's difficult to see someone you love hurting but that doesn't mean you need to allow yourself to be used like this.

 

No amount of love and support from you will get his life sorted out, that's something he has to do himself. He has to WANT it and put forth the effort and that comes from HIM, not you. Hugs.

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So how do I handle this? We have to stay in touch for children's sake (even though it's mostly me initiating) I have lost my best friend. I've remained strong in that I don't ask him about these women anymore, or ask about details like when I first found out in June (the first I knew about) I feel like if I love him enough he will sort his life out (he's had a troubled one) but I know if I do that it's basically saying "hey! Walk all over me!" Lol should I support him when he's ready to confide in me or shall I make effort for those who deserve it?

 

 

Right now you should only stick to minimum contact i.e. only what is necessary for your children. You seriously need to take time off of him to reflect on YOUR reactions and thought processes regarding this whole thing. This man has cheated, lied and hurt you, he is avoiding you, he was never there to comfort you and yet you still refer to and trying to treat him as your best friend!!! There is something seriously wrong with that picture and the fact that you don't seem to grasp it on an emotional level means that you are still in serious denial about what has happened. I appreciate fully how difficult and painful it is to accept that the man you love and have children with is not the man you thought and let go of who you thought he was, but six months on it is time to step back and try to gain some perspective, if not for you, for your childrens' sake. Remember, you don't want to teach them to keep chasing after the people who hurt them.

 

This self-sucrificing feeling 'if I love him enough he will sort his life out' that you describe indicates that you might be suffering from co-dependence, the same way as the partners of addicts and alcoholics. Trying to help someone who is hurting you and putting him and his needs above yourself and your needs is NOT healthy. Your primary responsibility in such a scenario is to first help yourself NOT him. That means cutting contact down to the bare necessary minimum and dealing with the hurt that right now you are pushing back. A professional councelor might help you unlock the feelings that right now you seem to have blocked. Unfortunately, the best way to deal with this situation is to face the hurt and betrayal you have suffered, NOT to block it and chase after the one who has hurt and abandoned you. I am very sorry for your loss and best of luck with your healing! The fact that you have a good social support network indicates that you are a decent person. Please, do not put yourself in situations where you allow weak/damaged/troubled people to hurt you. You need to accept that you cannot 'save' other people, only yourself. If nothing else, remember that you are setting an example for your children and their future relationships.

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If you want to waste years of your youth and energy throwing yourself down at his feet as his doormat, then keep doing what you're doing. But understand this is time and youth you will never get back which could have been invested with another man who wants to treat you well and do right by you.

 

This man doesn't want what you're offering to him. IF he did, there wouldn't be any other women in the picture.

 

So it's up to you where you want to spend/waste your youth.

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If he is seeing someone else then he probably doesn't want your support. He probably doesn't even think he NEEDS any support because, whether he has issues or not, he is still making the choices HE wants to make.

 

There is no point trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped and there is no point in finding excuses to keep on showering him with your love if he isn't returning it. All you are doing is hanging onto someone who is already moving on with their life. Save your energy for yourself and on moving on with your life too.

 

Keep your contact to a minimum, making it just about the children. Hopefully he will fall into a regular pattern of seeing them.

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It is not your job to be his therapist. He made a choice to run around with other women rather than focus on his family, so don't feel sorry for him.

 

That kind of thinking is you having muddied boundaries and thinking you need to be his mother/therapist when the reality is he was a lousy father and partner and now he needs to pay the price. And he will only straighten up his life is HE wants to straighten it up, and him crying on your shoulder won't fix anything.

 

And if you have decided to no be together as a couple, then you are also not getting that you're not his partner anymore. He has other 'partners', other women, and if he wants support he should be getting it there rather than from you. What you are doing now is like contemplating whether you should give the robber who just robbed you money because he looks so pitiful and says he needs some money. This man did you wrong (and did his family wrong) in a big way so your sympathy for him is inappropriate. He needs to pull up his big boy pants and straighten up rather than having all these women thinking about him and worried about him.

 

So no, do NOT provide him with any support at all. Not your job/role anymore, and you should be focusing on your children and improving your own life and moving on rather than pampering a lying and cheating ex. Stop the deep talks, and limit your conversations to the level you might have with your co-workers at work, where you may exchange a few pleasantries when you exchange the kids, but other than that, he's responsible for himself and dealing with his problems, and you shouldn't be enmeshed with him.

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Thanks for your thoughts!!!

 

I do want to clarify that I am dealing with this in the appropriate way, I have been through the process I crying and feeling low, I have spoken to my nearest and dearest, I have found hobbies to keep me busy. I spend a lot of time repeating self love and staying positive. Every minute I spend with my boys gives me strength too, and reaffirmes that they need a strong role model which is down to me to provide with my own dad and brothers so they can see how men and relationships are.

 

And I am keeping my dignity by not going out and rebounding or getting drunk and abusive towards him.

 

I guess it's hard to see someone you've been in love with become a stranger.

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It is hard, which is why you have to distance yourself from him as much as is possible. It is better to let go of thoughts of "helping him" or "supporting him". Let him look after himself - which he has chosen to do - whilst you look after YOURSELF.

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I don't. He doesn't do anything for our child or myself. He's got some major issues going on but that's for him to square off with his own support network, whatever it is. Of course I've had the desire to at times, because he acts like a wounded puppy and it pulls on my heart strings, but I leave him be. As far as I am concerned, he is not worthy of my sympathies/support and he can go get that from bridges he hasn't burned in a horrible way yet. But like I said, I understand the desire does crop up from time to time but you just don't engage in it.

 

I guess it's hard to see someone you've been in love with become a stranger.

 

It is. I don't even recognize him. And yes, that is why you cut the contact down to the very bare minimum.

 

Give your support to yourself first and foremost, because you deserve it and need it for both you and your kids. Let him sort himself out if he so chooses - Let him do what he needs to do. I wouldn't doubt there is a reason he doesn't have a solid support network.

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>> I guess it's hard to see someone you've been in love with become a stranger

 

He became a stranger the second he started cheating on you and banging other women. In fact, the person you thought he was just isn't who he is... so the problem is he was never truly intimate with you emotionally if he was busily engaging in things that were totally selfish and a betrayal of you and your family and was hiding this whole other secret life from you. NEVER confuse these kind of self-pitying revelations and crying on your shoulder with sincerity or love. He is just totally self absorbed and wants to play on your and manipulate your emotions to his advantage. If he was really concerned about you or your kids, he wouldn't do the things he does to harm you.

 

You need to throw up boundaries to prevent him doing further damage to you, your self esteem, and your children and future. He made his choice (to betray you and break up your family), so he needs to live with the consequences. He lost the right to have you be tender and caring towards him the day he started betraying you. Don't listen to his selfish whining.

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Hopes that he gets a great job or wins the lotto because if he does, 40% will go to you and the kids... woohooooo... Mo money, mo money!

Otherwise, no need to talk to an overgrown boy who wants to avoid being a man and instead wants to act like a playa...and wants to re-capture his youth instead of having an image of a father.

Shoot... hire a lawyer, make him pay for your kid/kids and your lawyer

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