Jump to content

So Confused


doberman

Recommended Posts

First I must give you the entire story. My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 5. We have been going in and out of hard times for the past 2 to 3 years. About 2 years ago she came to me and told me that she was going the next day to look for a job and a new place to live. We have 2 kids together and 1 that calls her mommy but he knows that's not his real mother. About 8 months ago I met this female friend on the internet and we became close friends. I live 1200 miles away from this person and she has three kids of her own. We would talk on the internet for hours at a time because I work nights and can't sleep so I was looking for someone to talk to. Over the course of us talking we both developed strong feelings for each other. I kicked my wife out and told her that she could come back when she got a job, which I figured would take her a little while and I would have time to think about things. She got a job in 4 days and I let her back in. When she came back I was honest and told her about this other female, that we were close friends and that I was talking to her all the time. My wife was fine with it for about 3 weeks. Then she told me that she didn't want me talking to this other friend anymore. I complied with her wishes at that point. Within the last week or so things between my wife and I are constantly getting worse and I started talking to this other female friend again. I don't know what to do. My biggest fear is that with my work schedule I will never be able to see my kids if my wife and I separate.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

. Over the course of us talking we both developed strong feelings for each other. I kicked my wife out and told her that she could come back when she got a job, which I figured would take her a little while and I would have time to think about things.

 

 

seriously ??

 

and she just did this with no fuss ....her and the kids ? just went for 4 days then came back cos she got a job !!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you actually want to be with your wife ?

 

I can't see that you do , I am just reeling from your post in all honesty that you would kick her out until she got a job just to give you some thinking space ...and also stunned that she left all the kids , that you made her face leaving her kids like that ...I just don't know where you are coming from to treat her like that . Or am I missing something .

 

Is your intention then to be with this woman who is 1200 miles away or just move out of the family home ?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At the time I made her leave we were having arguments all the time over money and her trying to get a job. I'm pretty sure the only reason she left the kids was because she stayed at my sisters house which was like three houses down from mine and she really only went there to sleep. She watched our children at our house during the day while I was at my part time job. There is alot to this story. Sorry just thought people really wouldn't care to read the entire thing

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At the time I made her leave we were having arguments all the time over money and her trying to get a job. I'm pretty sure the only reason she left the kids was because she stayed at my sisters house which was like three houses down from mine and she really only went there to sleep. She watched our children at our house during the day while I was at my part time job. There is alot to this story. Sorry just thought people really wouldn't care to read the entire thing

 

I see right ok ...yes it is hard to know what to put so it doesn't go on and on I agree with you there ...but like me the others can ask as they go along if it is not clear .

 

well the facts are then

 

you seem to be more emotionally invested in the 1200 mile woman than your wife , or at least turn to her when things go wrong with the wife .

this is just fantasy as far as mile woman goes ..and she is your comfort blanket .

 

she needs to be out of the picture for two reasons ...firstly it is not fair on your wife and secondly you will never sort this out while she is giving you this cyber stimulation .

 

so a couple of questions

 

do you want your marriage to work ?

have you and mile woman taken it to a level where you are talking about being together?

is mile woman married ?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As for the friend, I don't know if it's possible for us to be together. More than anything I just want her in my life as a friend that I can talk to. But if my wife finds out that I am talking to her again I don't think she is going to be okay with that. Why is it such a big deal for men or women to have friends that they can talk to about anything and love them for that and people can't understand that doesn't mean your in love with them

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As for the friend, I don't know if it's possible for us to be together. More than anything I just want her in my life as a friend that I can talk to. But if my wife finds out that I am talking to her again I don't think she is going to be okay with that. Why is it such a big deal for men or women to have friends that they can talk to about anything and love them for that and people can't understand that doesn't mean your in love with them

 

this will always be a bone of contention between couples .

 

from your wifes point of view : the man she loves turns to another woman for comfort, shares his life and his time with another woman , act vulnerable and exposed to another woman , needs another woman ...you wouldn't be like this with another man would you ? You wouldn't need that man in your life or turn to him to have the intimacy like you do with her .....so for your wife this is you being unfaithful .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home. I also don't want them to see my wife and I fighting and yelling. As for we'll call her "Jane", we have talked about the idea of us being together. No she isn't married but she is in a 5 year relationship. I see where your coming from with getting Jane out of my life but it seems like I'm going to explode if I can't vent. I feel like I can't talk to anyone except Jane that's including my wife. I only drink on special occassions and this past week I got drunk twice because I felt like my world was crashing down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am myself a believer in rather having children grow up in split homes than in a volatile one .

 

I left my daughters father when she was 15 months old , it is not what I had planned , you have a baby and give it a shot because you want your children to grow up with mum and dad there , a family together . Unfortunately this seems to be the minority these days ...so I whole heartedly agree with the sentiment of the "family" however I know from my own expereince and that of plenty of others that sometimes you have to accept your lot and do all you can to make it work in separate households .

 

But before you get to that point you and her have to work this out ..would you seek marriage guidance ? Is there anything left for you in the marriage , take the children out of it for a moment ..can you work this out ?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you are serious about making your marriage work STOP talking to this other woman. It's an emotional affair. And go to marriage counselling.

 

Then you can at least say to your kids that you did everything you could to make the marriage work

 

Who on earth kicks their wife out to make her get a job and then 'lets' her back in to a shared marital house?

 

You need to take a long hard look at your actions. She may not be perfect but she deserves to be treated a LOT better than this.

 

You are maintaining a fantasy life/relationship with a woman that is already with someone and has 3 kids. Please stop talking to her before you ruin 5 kids lives.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your marriage is all messed up now, so turning to someone you can talk to is understandable. BUT it is not fair towards your wife. You talk with another female, you discuss your problems with her and you vent to her, you talk about being together and so on. That is wrong.

Your wife was out of the door, and not welcome in your house until she got a job - that was your deal. She, on the other hand, asked you if you please stop talking with that other woman - and you did try, but not too hard. That is wrong, too, and very unfair. It is up to you to chose what to do, but you either divorce and take your responsibility for it - you are not happy with your wife, and you seek approval and love and care on the side. You cant go half way, so everybody is happy and nothing changes. You will have troubles, and you probably wont have enough time for your kids. Do you have that time now? I don't think so, for some reasons.

You should be able to talk with your wife and sort things out. It wont manage it itself. YOU need to chose. If you stay - you stay 100%, you go to a marriage consultant or else to solve your issues, and you work things out. You eliminate that Jane from your life, and you stop cheating emotionally on your wife and kids.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think what I'm going to do is sit her down and talk to her about all the things that I feel are wrong with our relationship. I'll give it one more genuine try. I'll also ask her if she find anything wrong with our relationship. If it doesn't work after like the fith time of talking I think I'm going to have to walk. Every time we seem to have these coversations everything is good for like 2 to 3 months then it just falls right back the way it was.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yours is that one out of every thirty or so posts that has such upside down reasoning, I am forced to question the mental stability of the poster.

 

That said,

- Yours is a non-marriage and you'll be doing her the favor of a lifetime when you finally overcome your fear and leave.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...