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What is the best way to go about this situation? Advice Please. :)


LAFreeway

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I met a girl online (not a dating site) couple of months ago. We talked a lot over texts and a few phone conversations. We live close by, have similar interests, and our conversations are very natural. We talked mainly as friends. She told me in the beginning she has a boyfriend, however things were not going all that well and she wanted out of the relationship and is already moving out the door. I never forced myself on her but did keep some attraction going with light flirtatious comments and things of that nature because I felt that we may have some connection. We made plans to meet New Year’s night just as friends meeting for the first time. We met and had a blast! It actually went very well. We never had an awkward silence, nothing. We did drink a bit and eventually had sex that night. We stayed up all night and she lay in my arms for a long time and we just had a very peaceful fun time together. She went home the next morning and later that day texted I saying she didn’t expect that and she is not one to cheat and that she usually has walls up with people but when we hung out she was very comfortable. We pretty much agreed and I guess she was kind of in shock but she likes me and so she expressed to me she didn’t want it to be awkward or anything after that surprise hook up. I told her everything was fine and we can take things slow and she agreed, very slow. Obviously she has a boyfriend who she is breaking up with so I am giving her space and just trying to focus on my stuff. We still text and it is mostly friendly still with my little bit of flirting here and there.

HERE IS MY DEAL.

She said that she is unsure of what she wants. She said she doesn’t want me to be like "relationship or nothing at all" and just blow her off. Even when she leaves this guy she wants to be single so to not have the pressure of a relationship. (This guy is all up in her .) but she also said she just wants someone who understands she has a life and goes out with friends’ n stuff. I am so totally cool with this. I have a life too.

This girl is great. She really is, I like this girl... A LOT. She is genuine and I can tell she is not just playing games or some . She knows i like her a good deal I'm sure but like i said i have tried my best not to push anything on her. There was even a day or two we didn’t talk at all. I did not blow her phone up, didn’t bother her. She even text me one night after not talking for a couple days catching up chatting and saying she missed me, when i told her that i missed her too she said that she missed me more. However she hasn't been texting me quite as much and i still haven’t got a phone call from her. It has been almost two weeks since we met. She has been busy finishing up a small class for school and who knows what else so i know she is busy but I just don’t want her to lose interest, I want her to feel comfortable with me, I want her to want to see me. I haven’t asked for a second meeting yet and it’s a tough one considering i don’t know if i should treat it as a date or what... I am a really good guy with only good intentions. I just think we may be right for each other; I want to hang out with her and learn more about her!

So, IS she losing interest, How can i keep interest high, How do i ask for a second meeting without pressuring her, What should we do this time, and for god sakes i can’t get her out of my head, HELP PLEASE! lol Any advice about anything would be GREATLY appreciated! Thank You!

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I understand your point, but you are missing my point. She is done with this guy. It's over. There is no future with him. She is not playing games, she is genuine and is a very sweet girl. We just had this connection. It was great, it was unexpected, and it felt right. She is not a cheater, the relationship went south and she is over it.

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I didn't miss any point. You need to take off your rose coloured glasses. She STILL has a bf, she has not broken up with him, whether she has told you the relationship is over blah blah blah, she is still technically with him, so still technically cheated.....

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I have seen this "act" among my own sets of female friends. She might be a player, very small chance of long term between the two of you.

Please don't get too excited and let it grow naturally AKA let her get her act together first. It is just so wrong to hook up with someone while there is someone else in the picture. That is the reason why many ENAers are hurting. Don't get involved with that.

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Okay, so she cheated, and who knows, by now she may have completely ended it. She ALREADY told him she was done. He is going through the begging her back phase and she is just letting him down easy. So let's get past this part of the problem because im not stupid, im not just going to blindly let that slide. I know im taking a chance but like i said, I don't believe she is usually like that. So I will be cautious with that aspect of the situation but other than that since i am dead set on at least moving forward with this and learning more about her, what do I do?

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I appreciate the concern with the cheating thing. I honestly think she is not a player or any of that. She is leaving the guy. It's over. Can we please see past this and help me... If she turns out to be a low down playing cheater loser than im not going to be all hurt over it. Im just going to move on. But in case we are right for eachother I would like to give this a chance..

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She is not SURE of what she wants. She said she does want someone, she just understandably does not want to get into another boring controlling relationship where she feels pressured. The guy is doing all the wrong things, its not working out and i dont blame her for being cautious. Really, I havent even been concerned with this guy nor do i want to jump into a relationship right away with this girl. I just want to see her more and for us to go with the flow of things. I'm expecting to learn more about her. I really didnt want this post to be about her cheating or her "boyfriend" I believe this girl is not just up to no good. She likes me, I like her. I want to go slow i just want to move it forward. I'm sorry i know it's hard to move past the "other guy" in the situation and the fact we had sex on the first night. It just happened and it is what it is. I appreciate you guys comments so very much, but please can we just pretend for a second that he was removed from the picture. please..

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What you would like to hear is that.."go on and maybe you guys will be happy", which is true. Who knows that? We too do not know that this girl might potentially break your heart. It seems you are ok with what she can offer you right now so go for it. It is your future and it seems you are in sync with her plans. No long term anything, just an interim arrangement, correct?

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I didn't even focus on the other guy, I focused on what she said:

 

Even when she leaves this guy she wants to be single so to not have the pressure of a relationship.

 

I'm not sure what you're looking for here. All you can do is keep showing her you're interested in her, which she undoubtedly already knows. You have no control over whether she decides to keep seeing you casually, or gets serious with you, or decides she doesn't want any sort of relationship with you at all. But you do have control over what you do, and what you want. So I'm just saying you should get very clear with yourself about exactly what you want, and then you can more easily determine whether her actions fall in line with that. If they don't, then you can move on more quickly. The fact that you posted here indicates to me, at least, that this means more to you than a casual fling.

 

And for the record, you can't just disregard the effect that an ending relationship has on someone's psyche and pretend it doesn't exist. Leaving the "cheating" issue out of it, just the fact that her relationship is ending has a serious bearing on her emotional availability to you. Presumably you'd like to be involved with someone who is ready to be completely emotionally available to you?

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Yeah.. I suppose. I don't really want incouragement or anything, although it is appreciated. I really would like to know " IS she losing interest, How can i keep interest high, How do i ask for a second meeting without pressuring her, What should we do this time, and for god sakes i can’t get her out of my head " what do i do... ?

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Thank you, Yes, I will keep showing my interest and what happens, happens.. What i want is to get with this girl, what im okay with is taking it as slow as it takes, so yes more than a fling but I just want to do things right.. im not disregarding the cheating part or that she is exiting a relationship. I understand that she may or may not be ready and im OKAY with that. I am okay with taking it slow. I just want to do it right. I want us to hang out more with no pressure and for us to have a good time. honestly if we end up just being friends im okay with that too. She has an awesome personality and we havent ran out of things to talk about since we first said hello. I like her though and want some advice as to how to go about doing things right.

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It sounds like you want this girl so much because she is a challenge right now. Saying she doesn't want a relationship but rather to go slow, hang out with friends, having a boyfriend who doesn't want to break up. Every man's challenge wet dream. Man you want to conquer her bad.

 

Best advice to you is to just go with the flow. She knows how you feel so just keep talking to her casually and invite her out every now and then and let her decide if she wants to get more serious. It seems she just wants to enjoy being single for awhile, which is understandable. So don't pressure her and date other girls while still talking to her so she knows your not going to just sit and wait around on her. Be her friend, date others, ask her out every now and then. Hopefully when she's ready to date she'll pick you.

 

Oh and one thing you gotta learn about enotalone is knowing when to filter certain information out of your story. If you don't almost everyone will zero in on a sub plot of your story like her cheating on her boyfriend instead of answering your question. Next time say she broke up with her boyfriend. HAHA

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Challenge may be a small thing associated with my want for her so badly. Which is always an obvious approach to getting her to want me as well. It works both ways. So, yes, she is a challenge and im up for it. I want her for many other reasons than just the challenge though.

Your advice is well taken. I'm trying to go with the flow, It's tough. I am talking casually to her and it's nice. I wonder what to do for a second outting and how to go about it. I hope she doesnt think im going to just sit around and wait but i may have made it seem that way somewhat. Not that i said i was going to or anything. You are right, dating around wouldnt hurt anything. I hope she picks me.

And yeah, I just wanted to be honest and tell the whole story. I understand that its a touchy situation. That's why I came here. I'm at a point where it could go different ways and i just want to make the right moves. Thank you for your input, I appreciate it very much

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This girl is great. She really is, I like this girl... A LOT. She is genuine and I can tell she is not just playing games or some .

 

Dude, 1. She cheated on her bf. 2. She told you she doesn't want to be in a relationship when she does break up with him, if she even does (she's probably telling him that she loves him but just wants to think about things). Genuine and not playing games?!? You're a Steinway baby grand getting played by a virtuoso!

 

If you just want a hookup, just hookup with her. But you like this girl...A LOT. If you want a relationship with her, my advice would be to tell her that you can't be in contact until she's single and open to the idea of a relationship. Until then, you're just her attention-giving plaything...

 

Good luck!

 

Edit: I didn't read through all the responses so I apologize if mine is repetitive.

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Her interest is there... but you can't make someone like/love you back- not in this position.

She has probably backed off a bit, knowing > She is still involved.

 

Do NOT ask for another meeting. You need to understand what she's saying. She is NOT interested in getting involved again..especially so soon.

>> "Even when she leaves this guy she wants to be single so to not have the pressure of a relationship"

 

If she were to end things with him and move on to you that fast, you'd most likely be a 'rebound', where she just isn't ready and things will not last long.

 

It was your choice to seek a woman already involved. For now and a while further, there likely won't be much more interaction with her.

 

Leave her be... if she sends you a text, reply kindly but do not expect any more than this.

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Thank you all for the advice. I guess I need to just take it easy and let it be. Its tough, I don't know why. It sucks she had/has a boyfriend but he will be gone eventually. I havent text her today or her me. I still would like to move this in a positive forward motion with her and any tips to help do that would be greatly appreciated. I'm being cautious and not pushing a single thing on her just would still to be somewhat proactive because she likes me and we are still friendly and talk about things so I just wouldn't want to end up strictly friend zoned either.

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