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New to dating, advice on situation would be appreciated!


ses123

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So I'm new back into dating after 5 years of being single, and independent.

 

I thought what the hey, and went online to see what was out there.

 

Had a first date with a guy from a site, and now we're at date five. Thing is, there are warning bells sounding in my head saying back off now, but I'm concerned that this just might be me too set in my ways, maybe too unwilling to compromise and basically just new to all this!

 

The main things that are giving me reasons to hesitate with him:

 

- We're five dates/three weeks in. Yesterday he wanted the "what are we" chat, along with "are you seeing anyone else". In my mind, he's still someone I just met... I don't know him, anyone he knows, or even his address. I answered, rather clumsily, that I don't want to classify anything, I'm still getting to know you, I've only known you three weeks and no I'm not seeing anyone else (he replied "well thats one good thing" or something to that effect).

 

- He's rather pushy on the "when will I see you again". I get that this could just be enthusiasm, but if I don't know (for example I don't know what this week will be like with work and volunteer commitments just yet - call me tomorrow night and I should know), he's not happy and keeps pushing it.

 

- He asked if I'd been back on the dating site. I said not in a while, but I haven't cancelled my membership. He said he'd been back on the day before to "check up on you" (his words exactly) and see if I had been online. Thats a little creepy/controlling for me!

 

- He doesn't make me laugh. He doesn't start conversations. I'm a big talker, and although he listens to me patiently, he doesn't really contribute to the conversation. We laugh when I say something funny, but if I didn't keep talking, we sit in silence (I've tried, its uncomfortable).

 

- Theres no spark. I know this can grow, so its not necessarily major that it needs to be there by now, but I thought there should at least be something before the "talk"

 

- He doesn't really have a social life. Now there are legitimate reasons for this (a car accident a couple of years ago left him with some troubles), but I find myself wondering, do I want someone to whom I am almost his entire social life? Do I want that kind of responsibility?

 

- He seems to be big on classic "gender roles". There are boy activities (fishing, cars, bikes) and girl activities (shopping, cooking). As a single girl, brought up by a single mum on a farm - there aren't many "boy" activities I won't do. I've built sheds and fences, dug out dams, I paint, mow, renovate etc. If I mention any of that in conversation he looks at me almost like thats not ok, or patronising like "good girl".

 

- He pays for everything (dinner three times, two movies and bowling). I keep offering, I forced it once. I don't like to feel obligated to someone like that - like now he's paid for everything I can't back out without sleeping with him or staying with him long term because I owe him.

 

 

Feel free to just say I'm being too picky, nasty, horrible. Thats kind of how I'm feeling. He's not a bad guy, but I'm just not finding enough about him that makes me want to go too much further with him.

 

If I choose to back out, how? I haven't had to do this in about eight years... I don't know how to let someone down without hurting them. Also, do I offer to pay him back for my dinners etc?

 

Or do I keep going and hope it improves? He's not a bad person, he likes me, he's close to his family. So maybe I'm being too picky?

 

The last couple of dates I haven't come home smiling, I've come home annoyed and frustrated. I don't think it should be like that, but hey, what do I know of any of this dating stuff??

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you are not into this guy and it doesn't sound like you two are compatible. It's ok to reject this guy and keep looking. I don't like that he is moving fairly fast and he sounds kinda needy in that he keeps wanting to 'have the talk" and find out if you are still dating others when you have only known each other for 3 weeks. Sounds like a stage 5 clinger in the making--especially since he has no social life. Don't continue with this guy, you can do better

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I think that he really likes you, and sometimes you meet someone, and you just know you want to be with them. Other people take more time to make up their minds. So I don't think it's a red flag per se that he asked you to be exclusive so early on. But of course it is your right to not want to dive right in. Particularly because of this:

 

He doesn't make me laugh. He doesn't start conversations. I'm a big talker, and although he listens to me patiently, he doesn't really contribute to the conversation. We laugh when I say something funny, but if I didn't keep talking, we sit in silence (I've tried, its uncomfortable).

 

eh... it seems like it would be hard to have a relationship with someone you can't really talk to?

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It sounds like it's not a good match and he is being a bit too clingy and controlling. What I would do is tell him nicely that you don't think you have enough in common to keep dating and that you wish him well. Best to tell him on the phone. Be prepared for a lot of questions/emails/perhaps some anger but I think that's the best way and no I don't think you're being too picky.

 

And no you don't owe him anything as far as his insistence on treating for dates.

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I completely agree with happpybear. He's boring, you don't feel a spark, he has no social life, he's not funny... all of these are completely legitimate reasons to break things off, and I suggest you do it in a direct manner via email or phone. "It's been great getting to know you, but it's not quite the connection I'm looking for. Good luck in your search!" Then don't respond to ANYTHING he replies after that.

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If you are feeling warning bells going off then you are probably your own best judge. It's sounds like you two aren't the most compatible. Checking to see if you had been on the dating site is a bit creepy to me as well considering you have only been out on 5 dates. The conversational aspect of your concerns would definitely concern me as well. If he can't communicate well with you then maybe he isn't the right person for you. I feel that communication is very important in a successful relationship. The beginning of dating should be a fun time when you are getting to know each other. If you are coming home annoyed then I don't think he is the right match for you. Good luck.

 

 

 

 

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So I did it, I phoned him this afternoon and broke it off.

 

I feel so bad! He sounded upset (not that he said much), he said this was the first time he'd ever dated anyone and he didn't know the rules... I feel so so horrible.

 

I spoke too much (I tend to do that when nervous), but the gist of what I said was after our chat yesterday I had a think and I don't think we're compatible for dating or a relationship. I think we want different things from people, and having that kind of talk after a couple of weeks was a bit much for me, and him checking up on me online was a bit off; but that I think he'll find someone for him, maybe someone not quite so independent, someone more of a girly girl. I asked if he had anything he wanted to say and he said no. I also said (trying to lighten it, hey it wasn't a relationship, it was a few dates) that I guess thats what the dating game is all about, see someone a few times and decide if its right or not and call it off if its not.

 

If its not there its not there though right??? I can't force it if its not there?? I'm trying to make myself feel like less of a here... I hate this! (and this is why i don't date... either I get hurt or I hurt someone else, which in turn hurts me just as bad!).

 

Another bad thing is, I remembered that tomorrow he has some big medical cognitive ability test on, I really hope this doesn't effect that for him. He is a good person, just not for me in that way I think.

 

Can't take it back now. Think I'll need some help getting to sleep tonight though! I hate being a horrible person!!!

 

(yep Im just sooking now)

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