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Trust issues, I need major advice


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I'm in desperate need of some advice or just someone to help talk me through this. I've been having nonstop dreams and thoughts about my boyfriend cheating with his ex. We have been together for nine months and live together, and I know that he loves me endlessly (and everyone around us says they see this). However, these thoughts are wreaking havoc on our relationship. I have talked to him about it so many times, to the point where he is getting frustrated hearing about it. He has explained to me every single time that the last time he even spoke to his ex was a month before him and I got together. Their relationship ended on very bad terms (after they broke up she put nude pictures of him on craigslist and he did the same as retaliation) and says that he would never want anything to do with her again. He has even gotten to the point where he is telling me to contact her and ask her about it. I literally have no evidence to support these thoughts, but I can't stop having them! Also, my boyfriend is very open with me and we share everything. He doesn't act suspicious about things (he leaves his Facebook open and unattended for hours and will also leave his cell phone with me for hours; he doesn't act secretive) So... Has anyone ever experienced anything similar or can anyone give me some advice on how to stop these thoughts? Any help is really appreciated!

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Everyone has a past and ex's. This is YOUR insecurity and for you to deal with.

I think you should work hard on getting over this... before it tears you two apart.

 

Think about it.. WHY are you getting these thoughts n dreams?

 

Yeah, it may have nothing to do with your BF, you may just be confronting something in yourself. Regardless, there is nothing he can do to relieve your anxiety. Stop looking to him for something he can't give. Instead of avoiding it, sit quietly alone and experience the feelings that come up, listen for what you really need. You may find you are able to give yourself the relief and shift your perspective. It may take a while to be able to sit with uncomfortable feelings, but I find it helps.

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If you don't want to lose this guy, I'd go see a therapist. You need to stop expecting BF to play that role for you. If you can't resolve this problem on your own, you're likely to bring about the very ending you fear. Regardless of whether BF has the integrity not to cheat, you're driving a wedge between the two of you that he's likely to walk away from sooner rather than later.

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Thank you all for your advice. I realize that this will break us up and I haven't said anything more about it to him. Now, I found out yesterday that he told his father about how I was feeling and he discussed it with MY mother. This does make me feel better, because if he had cheated, would he be going to both of our parents and telling them about my accusations?

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Hun he isn't cheating on you. This is all in your head. Hes obviously concerned about your behavior and hes reaching out to parents for help and support.

 

Hes not showing any signs of cheating. From what you said-he has never given you any reason not to trust him.

 

Are you worried hes cheating with random people or is it just this one girl (his ex) your worried about? And if yes, why?

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Hun he isn't cheating on you. This is all in your head. Hes obviously concerned about your behavior and hes reaching out to parents for help and support.

 

Hes not showing any signs of cheating. From what you said-he has never given you any reason not to trust him.

 

Are you worried hes cheating with random people or is it just this one girl (his ex) your worried about? And if yes, why?

 

It's just this ex that I'm worried about. See, him and her were together for 4 months, but when they broke up they continued having sex until one day they got in a huge fight and supposedly stopped talking. Only a month later him and I got together. Maybe I'm concerned because I feel like there wasn't a large time gap between her and I. Also she still has all these pictures of him on her Facebook, which is weird to me...

 

Another thing, my boyfriend has disclosed all of his previous relationships to me and he explained to me that he has only cheated on a girl one time, four years ago. He says that was a long time ago, he was only 19, and that he would never think of doing something like that at this point in his life. So the fact that he has cheated before might be worrying me as well.

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You will never find a BF who has just sprung from the womb fully formed, with zero history. You can either learn to cope with that or drive every lover away with your incessant neediness for reassurances--which buy you nothing.

 

If you don't believe in the character of the person you select, then unselect him and walk away. You're not relationship material until you work out this problem.

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