Sineadc09 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Okay so my friend wanted me to post to see your responses. She recently found out that her husband had been on dating sites since 2 months after they married and has continued to be on there meeting women until he recently deleted his accounts days before she actually found out. Then she found out that he had been buying porn pay per view clips and on this website where ppl masturbate and chat at the same time. When she confronted him, his response was what are you doing in my email anyway your always snooping through my stuff, not once said sorry. She says that she didn't argue with him just simply stated that she knew about it all and went to sleep. Next day he has yet to apologize and when he realizes she doesn't want to be bothered with him although she was being completely calm about it saying she needs space he gets even more mad telling her he's going to put his hands on her, acting like he was going to throw something at her, saying that she needs to get her stuff together because he's tired of her not having a job (she's in school trying to get her degree) everytime they have conflict about what he's doing wrong to dishonor their marriage he completely flips trying to deflect the heat off of him with petty things in my opinion. out and kicks doors, punches walls, acts like he's going to hit her, wants to argue about why she went thru his phone and emails knowing dang well he got caught doing some mess. What are your views on this situation, I know some of you are going to look at my past post and try to say something about my marriage as always! Yes I know it's F'd up but this isn't about me it's about her. Me personally I think he's nuts! I will read to her all the advice you guys give! Stay on topic please, he deleted the accounts days before she found out because he said he wanted to start fresh and be a better man for the new year, should she forgive him or no because of his behavior after he got caught! Thanks xoxo Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 It's HIS email. He should not only have his own account, but she should not have the password. Period. As for the rest, the only confronting she needed to do was say "sorry baby, I'm breaking up with you" and be done with him. Done. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I have to admit this situation of your "friend" sounds very much along the lines of your own. Either way, if this is for your "friend" or for yourself, I would say that any time people start getting out of control in their marriage/relationship, where they throw things, kick doors, punch walls (and each other) etc, and mess around with other people outside the marriage, even if it's online, checking emails etc, then it's time to pack your bags and get out. I think that would be obvious to anyone. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Doesn't sound like the email is the main problem here - if he's threatening physical violence, she needs to leave. Today. I don't advocate snooping, since chronic cheaters and liars usually leave a vapor trail of clues in their behavior. But - while I can understand outrage at the snooping (after all, prior to checking, the potential existed for him to be innocent) that NEVER excuses threats, violent behavior, and brushing the edges of physical harm to intimidate. She doesn't trust him (and apparently with reason.) He's a ticking time bomb - one of these days the punch or kick won't be into the door or wall. It's a situation she needs to get out of - there is NO consideration more important than safety. Link to comment
Sineadc09 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 She says thank you. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Doesn't sound like the email is the main problem here - if he's threatening physical violence, she needs to leave. Today. I don't advocate snooping, since chronic cheaters and liars usually leave a vapor trail of clues in their behavior. But - while I can understand outrage at the snooping (after all, prior to checking, the potential existed for him to be innocent) that NEVER excuses threats, violent behavior, and brushing the edges of physical harm to intimidate. She doesn't trust him (and apparently with reason.) He's a ticking time bomb - one of these days the punch or kick won't be into the door or wall. It's a situation she needs to get out of - there is NO consideration more important than safety. I agree with mes .. she has no business snooping ... but he has no business scaring the crap out of her ...just because he hasn't hit her "yet" the controling frightening way he is banging away around the house is still abuse ..I have been there and it is nerve wracking wondering what the hell they will do next . As well as watching your home get destroyed as they punch holes in it !! Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Well I think she had good reason to snoop and she found all the proof she needs to end this marriage. Hes been cheating on her from the beginning and hes showing narcissistic signs now when he finally got caught. This man is dangerous and she needs to leave. Full stop Link to comment
Kendahke Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I think you're too far up in your friend's business. What she does is up to her. If she wants to forgive him, then forgive him. If she doesn't, don't. Why on earth did she marry a guy like this in the first place? Link to comment
savignon Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 This is my bottom line on the snooping: If you're not prepared to do *anything whatsoever* with the information you find, then why would you even bother looking? She knows 1000 things any self-respecting woman wouldn't tolerate but keeps staying and keeps looking for more info so that they can fight about her being nosey??? Doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. Staying in and of itself is tolerating the behavior, accepting the behavior, having no boundaries, ok'ing the behavior and sending a crystal clear message about what you think of yourself. Why make yourself crazy looking for more of what you *already* know?! Especially if its going to start *another* toxic, violent fight from which you will come to no other conclusion than to stick around for more. Pointless. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 My take on snooping: if you snoop and you find nothing, then you're at fault. If you snoop and find s/he has been up to no good, then they are at fault. Your friend found out that he's been on dating sites, etc.... and so early on in the marriage too!! Things can only go downhill from here. And if he is threatening violence, they will go downhill. Time to run. Get the marriage annulled. Leave. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 She needs to leave him. When you're snooping, the trust is gone. And if he's threatening her, then she needs to get out before he actually does. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 This is my bottom line on the snooping: If you're not prepared to do *anything whatsoever* with the information you find, then why would you even bother looking? She knows 1000 things any self-respecting woman wouldn't tolerate but keeps staying and keeps looking for more info so that they can fight about her being nosey??? Doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. Staying in and of itself is tolerating the behavior, accepting the behavior, having no boundaries, ok'ing the behavior and sending a crystal clear message about what you think of yourself. Why make yourself crazy looking for more of what you *already* know?! Especially if its going to start *another* toxic, violent fight from which you will come to no other conclusion than to stick around for more. Pointless. Yes yes and yes!! It's obvious as day the marriage is a huge stinker. Obvious the smart thing to do would be to end it. I think if someone - anyone at all - is finding themselves with an urge or snooping on a partner, that is their clue right there "hey, I don't trust this person". I don't think snooping is ever the answer. If you can convince yourself you "need" to snoop, you've got enough info right there that the relationship isn't working. Just leave. My opinion. Link to comment
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