I realllllly need help editing my college essay

[tochiieboh]

the topic is about to describe how a certain obstacle has impacted your life

 

A wise man once said, “Follow no one else's path, instead make your own and leave a trail for others to follow.” I have come to realize that life is a race, and we are its runners. Countless obstacles and sharp turns lurk around every corner, plotting demise as we race down the path of life. Opportunities slip through our fingers like showers of sand while we focus on the tiny troubles that linger in front of us. Looking back, I’ve often caught myself asking ‘why me’, it is only now that I that I can fully appreciate the challenges and setbacks that I have encountered. These challenges, setbacks and obstacles have all helped mold me into the strong-willed individual I consider myself to be today.The eldest daughter, in many respects, is the most important member of the nuclear family. In the mothers absence it is her duty to take care of the family. Cooking, cleaning, and just simply maintaining order all fall within her realm of responsibility. Retrospectively, she is also expected to preform many of the same duties in the mothers’ presence. I am the eldest daughter. I am expected to be perfection. I am expected to be a well-rounded young lady, whose ultimate goal is get married and provide for a family of my own. I am expected to be robotic, stoic, a pretty face with no complaints. Although odd, these principles are what I have come to live by. However, coming to the realization of my ‘role’ wasn’t always as easy to accept.In 2012, my mother traveled to the small, island-nation of St. Lucia to attend an accelerated medical program in hopes of finally completing her degree. Her decision happened to fall in the middle of my junior year of high school, a year commonly characterized but rigorous classes, SAT’s and ACT’s. In the beginning, the burden of juggling school and housework was relatively insignificant, but soon my responsibility began to weigh harshly upon me. I was a varsity basketball player and an AP student taking four advanced placement courses. In addition, I was enrolled in an SAT prep courses that took place twice a week. At home, I cooked dinner every night, cleaned regularly and did laundry every Sunday. I was a student by day and a 16 year old mother by night. On the outside looking in, one would say I looked like the perfect daughter my parents had always envisioned, but I was nowhere close to that image. I started to crack. Emotionally I was angry. Mentally I was tired. Physically I was sickly. I quit the basketball team and isolated myself from all human connect outside my siblings. I stopped completing my homework, dropped out of all my after school clubs and fell into a deep depression. Only at night could I escape my life. Only at night could I break from my stoic exterior and feel the pain and self-disgust I felt during the day. Life seemed useless, hopeless until one teacher saw in me what I couldn’t see in myself. Despite my attempt to isolate myself from all human contact it was my teachers and friends who pulled me out of the dark hole I had helplessly been sitting in. I started by creating an organized schedule with time slots dedicated to all my daily duties. By doing so I minimized my main stressor, lack of time, and maximized my motivation in the process. Education is the most invaluable opportunity that anyone is blessed to receive, and I almost let it slip through my fingers. As I continue to race down this path of life, I try to avoid the obstacles that block my way, but I know that if I fall, I am strong enough to get myself up again.

[nresteiner]

The central theme is "how did this event impact your life", but you only mention the effect it had on your life in one sentence at the end. I think you need to put more focus on that and how it will help your efforts going into college.

[Snny]

Have you tried visiting your schools writing center?

 

I would be very careful about posting your essay on a public forum. College professors google student papers and your identity is exposed.