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The Daily Existential Crisis - Greggy's New Journal of Love & Life!


Greggie

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So it's 2014 and I begin the new year rather unoriginally - by naively starting a new (daily?) journal! But the truth is when it's 4 am in the morning and most of my friends are asleep, a journal like this is a simple necessity.

 

Today also marks exactly 2 weeks til I go to Paris to see a boy I recently met while on vacation in London, and whom I've actually only met *once*! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm impulsive and will do anything if I think it may make a good story (the downfall of an aspiring writer)! Not to say I am not actually interested in this person, I absolutely am, but the person I met on NYE, the funny, interesting person with lots of substantial things to say, has seemingly gone missing in action ever since I returned to Norway. Is it possible for social media to completely erase one's entire personality?

 

And furthermore, my mind sometimes travels to someone else, another person I met whilst in London. He was incredibly bright, quick-witted, worldly, and there was just instant rapport and chemistry between the two of us. Yet undeniably this person's ego is the size of Antarctica, he is arrogant, withholding, and sometimes a downright bastard towards me. And there, I just described my ex. Who he is soo similar to, it's uncanny! I know I've already been in a relationsh*t with this person (or the equivalent to him, basically a clone of his personality) and that it absolutely unequivocally did not and could not work, yet I still find myself hoping he will message me! Masochism, thou art me.

 

And with that, to all, a good night!

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Alas, sleep not in the cards tonight (so this night is like every other). I think about my conversation with M. I had asked him what it was about me that night when we first met that had made him want to see me again. (Validation - give it to me on your own volition, or I will force it out of you.)

 

His response was wonderful. He said, "I remember our discussion; it was very interesting. And your beauty (yes, 'cause I am a man). In my memories, you look beautiful. But you're so far. I had to get you. Your skin was so soft, and your smell so good. Haha, I'm stupid."

 

"You are not stupid at all," I said. "That was the greatest possible answer to that question. It's really rare for me to meet someone I'm actually interested in, but now I absolutely remember why I knew I had to go to Paris to see you again! I can't wait, as I was really drawn to your personality as well and want to know more of it." And that I do. Oh how I love this hopeful time, when you're curiously unwrapping a person, as a child (and only a child) may excitedly unwrap a present on Christmas Eve. I hope he meets all my expectations, and if not, then I hope my expectations will adjust to meet him. It's time for someone nice methinks - variety is the spice of life, and Lord knows that would be a brand new flavor for me to try.

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  • 10 months later...

My 2014 journal has only 2 sad entries in it. Let's at least make that 3!

 

After 3 frantic days of lab report writing and seminars, I finally have a day off and I realise something in the silence of it all - I actually feel content. Contentness does not come easy for me. Ridiculous elated manic happiness does. Searing hopeless dully throbbing sorrow does. Usually both accompanied by some sort of cataclysmic event; a broken heart, a repaired one. Contentness comes from things far more pragmatic, far less romantic. A recognition that the everyday of your life is alright. And I think I f*cking feel it right now. Quite cool.

 

Not to the say there are not events of more significance I ought to mention. I find myself growing attached to someone who is my boss, and more problematic, who is self-destruction masochism hedonism personified. I just got an e-mail today being notified that I won't be able to work for the upcoming 5 weeks, due to some bureaucratic bull far too dull to explain. It's an interesting shift. It kind of allows me to explore what is my actual interest in this person. Was my liking of him some sort of act of defiance because he was ordered not to flirt with me? Was I attracted to the dominant, assertive (if not bordering on aggressive) authoritative work persona of his and not his actual person? I will admit I have a thing for men in authority. I had an affair with my boss at one of my previous jobs. What is life if not an endless succession of a pattern pervasive?

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  • 2 months later...

Ooh, it's happened again! I sit by a keyboard and write some words, some musings. A rare event. Of note! Quite excellent.

 

It's 2015, and wasn't I 14 just a second ago? Exactly, not wasn't it '14 just a second ago, but wasn't I 14 just a second ago. Because that, ladies and gentlemen, is how quickly time passes. Quite inconveniently it seems to speed up as you age. Inconvenient because in my humble opinion, adulthood beats childhood hands down. I know I'm in the minority here. But perhaps it's because I've always been able to retain my childlike sense of wonder. So adulthood is really childhood, only with sex and money. (Sometimes, in my case though, neither of those. In fact, right now brokedom and celibacy seem to be the zeitgeist of the time!)

 

I slept over at my ex's on the weekend, and kept it strictly PG. And when I left, I felt a sadness so strong I had to spend the entire Saturday playing with it. I realized what that sadness was finally when explaining it to a friend. She had asked if the split was mutual:

 

"Not only was it mutual," I had explained, "but ages ago. Or, it depends on who you ask really; my ex would say I broke up but I would say that he did. Or the best way I could describe .. I tied the noose but he kicked in the chair. It was a long suffering slowly dying long distance relationship so can't say I wasn't relieved when it ended, despite still being totally in love with him. This was in 2013, and only since I moved back to London were we back in touch, though I think we both quickly realized a new attempt was futile. What did Einstein say? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Yeah... So it's not like som geat heartache; been there, done that in 2013. But maybe I always held onto the possibility of 'maybe one day' and that's what I think I finally let get off on Friday night.."

 

Goodbye maybe one day, hello endless possibilities. Hello unknown. I'm terrified to meet ya.

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I went on a date with R, a 37 year old American entrepeneur recently moved to London. The date was good, though I found myself talking A LOT. It's funny how life can be a collection of extremes at times, like a seasaw which simply won't balance in the middle. As Dr. Seuss said, "Life is a great big balancing act," and as Dr. Seuss always is, boy was he right. With my ex, who had a larger-than-life persona, I would become nearly mute in his company. It was as if his persona was so big, there simply was no room for the two. He had a very neutralising effect on my personality, which I abhorred with the greatest of passions.

 

But then, like with R, I sometimes find myself in that role myself; the role of the entertainer, whilst the other plays the role of the audience. Obviously it should not be like this. Relationships are interactions, they are meant to be about what can be generated between you two, not what one has or the other. But the balance can be tricky. I sometimes worry if I stay single too long I'll become far too narcissistic. But then on the other hand - I've been known to completely submerge my identity when consumed with someone else. Again, it's all about the balance. Placing the weights on the scales just so in something like an artful science. I've not mastered the skill yet, but at least I'm aware it should be mastered.

 

Also - the guy. I like him, but he's - horror of horrors - normal. Normal just doesn't do it for me, and I don't think it ever will. I wish normal would do it for me, but wishing won't make it so. Damn you, inner novelist - must you always go for the insane ones that will make great characters in a story but exhausting ones in a life?!

 

To all a good night. =)

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  • 1 month later...

I've got a new job and I absolutely hate it. For the first time in my life, I am completely financially independent - but boy does it come with a price. I am currently working as a hostess in an upscale nightclub. For the record, hostess is not a euphemism for prostitute/escort. My job simply entails of sitting at a table making conversation with guys, drinking with them, and singing. The whole point of my being there is to try to get them buy more alcohol. I'm not a hustler by any means, so I'm doing this job very poorly. I don't want to make anyone buy an expensive bottle of champagne that they really don't want to buy. Furthermore, I don't like drinking. Prior to taking this job, I was drinking 0 days a week, 1 at most if I happened to be on a date or so. Now, I am drinking 6 days a week. To me, an avid non-drinker, it feels like working for a pharmaceutical company as a guinea pig on a clinical trial and taking things into my body that my body does not want/should not have. But what's worse than the physical consequences are the psychological ones. A lot of the guys that come to the club are married. While nothing innappropriate goes on, literally just conversation, drinking, and singing, I still find it somewhat unethical that they come to this club to drink with young girls. Moreover, I find it unethical that I am one of these girls they are drinking with. I am just as guilty as they are. My parents know about the job and told me to quit immediately. They have money and told me they would support me. But I've stayed because the only thing that's worse to me than having a job that's making me hate humankind (at least half of it anyways, self included) is to have to rely on my parents financially. I have an Honours degree in Psychology, graduated with a Distinction, top 5% of my university every single year of my 4 year degree, 77% on my dissertation which is currently being edited for publication, High Distinction in every single research course (5 in total) I've taken, and I would LOVE to get, as well as be more than competent at, a Research Assistant job to support myself while completing my Master's degree. Even if it meant making less money than I am currently making and working more hours. Yet these jobs are not listed very often, and the ones I've applied to (2 in total) I did not even get shortlisted for interview despite the HR people telling me my application had great merits and to apply again ... Sadly, it seems what I look like is more of a sellable commodity than what I think like.

 

It's the first time in my life I've ever had a job that I absolutely hate. Is this what it means to be an adult? Would I be a brat to quit and let me parents support me?

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Well, you're clearly capable of working in order to support yourself so there is no need to rely on your parents at the age of 25. You also don't need to be working at the job you're at, there are plenty of other jobs you can get, like temp jobs, call center, assistant, cashier, waitress, even cleaning. These are all respectable jobs that would give you enough to live on, but you'd have to live on a budget.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Had a lazy sunday in which I slept till 4 pm, watched an Ingmar Bergman film, and did God knows what tilll now. Actually, I spent part of the AM hours randomly reading old journal entries, and it made me realize how far the 25 year old me has come as compared to the 20 year old me (who I deeply empathized with and just wanted to take into my arms and say, "There, there.." or "Toughen up, old girl" and who I thank God I no longer relate to on some levels, though in other ways of course I still do as my sense of me-ness has always been very constant/strong throughout my life). Maybe this is just what naturally happens, growing up I suppose, eliminating negative thoughts/behaviours which are completely counterproductive/unhelpful/futile, but I hadn't even realized until I read those old journal entries how much I have actually GROWN. That I wasn't always like this. I think a huge contributor to my personal growth in the past 2-3 years was the fact that I was single and had to learn how to provide for my own happiness and not ask others to provide it for me/to fullfill me. I do not think I would be the same person if I had been in a relationship all this time (which I was from age 14-21). Moreover, I had forgotten that I was completely depressed, even suicidal at times. It sounds absurd, but I had FORGOTTEN this, that is how far removed I am from it now. It made me so grateful for the life that I am now living, though the problem was never really external circumstances anyways, just self-esteem issues/neuroses/seeking out destructive situations/relationships as a result of my own internal issues. Regardless, I think I am a better person for having struggled through these hardships. I am the product of every single thing that I have experienced, and I am content with the person that I am today (though there is always room for improvement of course and I will continually dedicate my life to my own self-development/learning!) and the life that I am leading, and think everything I have experienced has led me to here/made me this person. I am thankful. That is all.

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  • 4 months later...

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