Fed up

[Felicity]

I guess I'm here because I need to vent. I'm so fed up with my boyfriend I could just burst.

 

We met online a few years ago. My eight-year marriage had just ended. A few months later, we met. We did the long-distance thing for a few years. I'm not even sure how it lasted so long. Red flags abound from the beginning. I'm just terrible with breaking up. That's a whole other thread. He has a lot of issues. Mostly combat-related. But he's also incredibly misanthropic and lazy. Extremely lazy.

 

About a year and a half ago, he moved near me. That's when I really came to see how unreliable he is. "I'll be right over," meant he'd be over in a couple hours. Maybe. Or maybe he'd jack around at his place for a while, lay down and go to sleep; in which case he wouldn't be over at all. I'd call, he wouldn't answer. Almost every time. I came to loathe the voice of the woman Verizon hired to record their voice mail prompt. I heard that 45-second, rambling off of common sense instructions of how to leave a message so often it made me want to slap someone.

 

Anyway, a few months ago I needed to move, so he moved with me and we got a place together. Big mistake. I'm beginning to hate him. He sleeps ridiculous hours, does nearly nothing around the apartment, and is so messy. I'm a clean person, and I require certain things to be clean for me to be comfortable. Clean kitchen, clean bathrooms, clean floors. I'm not like OCD scrubbing with bleach and a toothbrush; just keep things tidy. He won't even put things back where they go after he's used them (like the salt and pepper shakers, the roll of aluminum foil, and loaves of bread, for example). So I'm constantly picking up and cleaning behind him.

 

Meanwhile, he "works" from home. We've been in this apartment for over five months. I've never once seen him working. Not saying he never does, but it's not very often. Which explains why he's persistently behind on rent and bills. He's too busy trolling the internet and playing video games; that's his problem. But if I mention it -- and I do! -- it's a full-on denial that even includes laughable wage-bragging. How he makes so much more than me! Haha... then why do I front all the bills?

 

And he makes promises he can't keep. Three times in the past week alone he's made dinner plans with me. Promised to take me out after I get home in the evening, fell asleep. Promised a special dinner he prepared for me in the crock pot, fell asleep, so I ate alone. Promised to cook me dinner tonight, fell asleep. I get up pretty early, usually around 7 or so. In the morning. He gets up about the same time in the evening. Last night, he got up at 8pm. All by choice. He talks about wanting to spend time with me on my days off, but no... weekend or not, he's sleeping all day. Won't change. Plenty of excuses, but I've seen him change his schedule. He's capable.

 

Oh, and he calls my kitten "our cat." No. I adopted him, I pay for everything, I change his litter and clean his boxes, I take him to the vet, I prepare his homemade food. My cat.

 

I'm just SO INCREDIBLY SICK OF HIM. (Sorry for random angry CAPS.) This is all just the tip of the iceberg, too. There is SO MUCH more, but I'll stop here. Sorry for being so verbose. I just really, really needed to vent.

[savignon]

Annnnd....what do you plan to DO about it?

[SooSad33]

With many men you need to be BLUNT. Dont fiddle around with the facts. Time to be stern enough to where YOU mean business now. So you can sit down with him and be honest about everything.

 

Maybe write it all down first, then go thru it as you talk with him. Let him know what is getting to you & frustrating you these days.

 

In the end, you can suggest you both live separately again as this is not working out for you- either the living together or the relationship...?

 

By sounds of it, there is much you do not like about him. His sleeping patterns could be as result of his past work.. same with his 'laziness'. Or could be stemming from his past- how he was raised, not sure?

But it's getting to you and you do need to speak up about it all, seriously now.

[IAmFCA]

You are half out the door, even if you are in denial about it. You moved in together: who is responsible for the rent? I think you will feel less trapped if you are clear about your options.

 

Do not take on the responsibility of changing your bf. That's his job, not yours, and nobody can do that job but him. This is how he is. You are at wits end. What are your options?

[ondemand]

Cannot stress this enough: LEAVE. He is taking advantage of you. If you've calmly talked to him about how disrespectful he is to make you do al the cleaning, esp when he doesn't work...let me tell you, a lazy guy is a lazy guy..probably forever. His mom probably did everything for him. You need to go.

[Felicity]

I wish I could leave. I'm on the lease, and I can't afford to live in this area on my own. We split the rent, but he tends to be behind by about a month, and he's on the lease, too. So as much as I'd LOVE to kick his tail out, I can't. And I have no one to take his place. But yes, he's definitely taking advantage. What a sweet life. Pay rent when you feel like it and lounge around the place all day, knowing someone else will clean it, someone else will cook, someone else will take care of things. I'm like his mother...

 

His father is extremely successful and hardworking. His mother was too, but she did everything for him. That's probably why he's so lazy now. I think the laziness existed before he was in the Army, though lingering issues from that contribute to his ridiculous sleep schedule. It's been a decade since he was in combat. I've pushed him repeatedly to go to therapy; he refuses. If it hasn't resolved itself by now, it's not going to resolve itself. Time to seek assistance, but nope. Won't do it.

 

This is my own damn fault, though. I knew before we moved here that it was probably going to be a disaster, but I needed to do it for work and it's an expensive area. I needed someone to split the rent with, and now I'm paying for that in other ways.

 

Anyway, I have spoken to him about all this. Many times. He tells me I'm being unfair and that I care too much about little things. Little things. Fundamental issues and he treats them like trifles. Time together, personal responsibility, basic cleanliness... these things are not little. Other issues that I won't even go into are even less little. The issue is there's no fixing stupid. A few more months and then I can be rid of him. And, oh... how lovely it will be.

[Ms Darcy]

I wish I could leave. I'm on the lease, and I can't afford to live in this area on my own. We split the rent, but he tends to be behind by about a month, and he's on the lease, too. So as much as I'd LOVE to kick his tail out, I can't. And I have no one to take his place.

 

If you really want to leave, you usually can ... even if it means making a plan. You could advertise online for a roommate, for example, and do background checks on him/her.

[Felicity]

To break my lease would cost me thousands of dollars.

[Ms Darcy]

To break my lease would cost me thousands of dollars.

 

You don't have to break the lease. You can kick him out and advert. for a new roommate.

[Felicity]

I suppose I'll update. I don't know why I didn't mention I have kids, so getting a roommate has its own obstacles. I ended up breaking up with him in mid-March. We rode out the lease. I never saw him much to begin with so little changed. He moved back to his home state in August. I moved to another town and life has been good, except for a fresh heartbreak for me.