The commitment phobic man, how to spot signs/ save yourself from heartache

[IAmFCA]

For purpose of helping the OP: think about how you interact in the early dating process. Do men have to chase you hard to get you? Women are taught to be way, but it can backfire.

[aaaaa]

I hate to say this but men are not afraid of commitment. They may just not want it with you.

 

I have seen many cases where a male friend is distant and unavailable for Girl A, meets Girl B, who knocks his socks off, then said male friend goes into 100 percent commitment mode for Girl B.

 

In the end, you just have to find a man who is into you consistently.

It sounds as if you have never dated a commitment phobe. I was in a three year relationship with one. He had serious issues. Was really not over his parents divorce, would cry about it. Just so much strange behaviour. I believe he would be more into an emotionally unavailable woman- like himself, because he is afraid of intimacy- but as soon as she let her guard down he'd put her through a roller coaster.

[goodheartlady]

You are right. I have not dated a commitment-phobe. I don't really waste my time - be it 3 months or 3 years - with people who clearly have issues.

 

No one can put us on the "roller coaster" without our permission. We have to be responsible when we don't walk away, when we continuously engage someone who clearly is not ready for commitment.

[DancingFool]

It sounds as if you have never dated a commitment phobe. I was in a three year relationship with one. He had serious issues. Was really not over his parents divorce, would cry about it. Just so much strange behaviour. I believe he would be more into an emotionally unavailable woman- like himself, because he is afraid of intimacy- but as soon as she let her guard down he'd put her through a roller coaster.

 

That's the thing though. You saw the strange crazy behavior and all the issues, but you continued on with him for three years. Why? The standard response is usually "but I loved him" and "but there were some good times between the bad". The difference between people who will date someone like him and people who have never dated one is simple personal choice that is made fairly early on in the relationship get to know you stage. When I see crazy, I turn on my heel and walk away. It's a complete no brainer for me. As another poster said, there is nothing to think about or analyze. If a person is not acting or treating me in the way I want to be treated consistently, then I'm out.

 

So the serious question you need to ask yourself is what specifically is stopping from walking away - fear, loneliness, poor image of what a mentally healthy person looks like and acts like, desire to fix them, ego that you will be the special one he breaks his walls for, etc. These are the things that play a huge role in the choices and decisions you are making when you choose to stay with someone who is not good for you. It's not love that is really keeping you there. The more you can sort that out for yourself, the better the chances you won't get involved with someone else who will also turn out to be a commitment phobe.

[Thorshammer]

I was chatting with a girl until she said she loved me, and kept getting upset that i was signing back to the online dating site. I told her we needed to stop talking and that i have lost all interest... she suspects i have commitment issues. The next girl kept bringing up the online dating site and if i am enjoying the site, i ignored it, then she would try to get me jealous - i would ignore it, then eventually i got annoyed and told her i have lost interest - she thinks i have commitment issues.

 

I dont... i just dont want to commit yet because i am not interested in being tied down to them - they lost that race when they turned me off with their behavior.

 

Last two girls i was seeing thought i had commitment issues, when i put in a relationship with my ex - they both took me off facebook and stopped chatting with me. I believe they used that excuse to maintain their ego.

 

I am not saying commitment issues dont exist, i am just saying too many people fall on that to protect themselves from actual raw rejection.

[Luna2014]

Personally, I don't really believe/care if someone is a commitment phobic.

 

If his love for me is strong enough, then he will choose to conquer his own fear of commitment/getting hurt/intimacy. Vice versa.

 

What I can choose is to love him or not, knowing the risks of not all love stories has a happy ending. And yet, it won't stop me from trying. True love perseveres at last, I hope

[kim1]

This is interesting. A guy I dated told me that before he was married he pulled a disappearing act on his fiance the night before the wedding. He went MIA and nobody could find him. Both families were all freaking out. He showed up the next day and married her. They were married for 14 years and had children. On his wedding night he disappeared again and went down to the hotel bar. He described how the bartender was hitting on him. On his wedding night!! I believe he may have the fear of intimacy.

[kim1]

What does this mean exactly. I mean a lot of people meet through online dating these days so how can you know through the computer whether a man is secure in himself and how do you convey that you are secure in yourself?

This is the key. We attract what we offer. As you work through your fears of rejection/abandonment that keep you from commitment, then you will begin to attract men who are more secure in themselves.

[cherryblossom2]

I think there is a definite difference between a normal guy who just hasn't found the right girl to commit too which sounds like Thorshammer. And the type of guy I was dating, literally his commitment issues affected his normal every day life. Now I'm able to look back after some time has passed there were red flags literally everywhere. The guy just couldn't keep still, always had to be on the go, couldn't just settle and watch TV - he had to be flicking between channels in between watching a programme, he procrastinated with everything (holidays/work etc) seemed to think he was better then everyone else, couldn't make simple choices when we were in restaurants..the list goes on and on and on. It was all there, this guy had ISSUES!

[DancingFool]

What does this mean exactly. I mean a lot of people meet through online dating these days so how can you know through the computer whether a man is secure in himself and how do you convey that you are secure in yourself?

 

Sometimes there are little red flags even in profiles, but really, you shouldn't be trying to figure that out on the screen. Dating is in real life. If you look through some of the posts in this thread and others, you'll see a very common theme. On the very first date, the guy/gal raised major red flags and issues. Flat out direct statements like "I'm not ready for anything serious" or "I don't really know what I'm looking for" or "women/men are horrible and I'm never getting married again", etc. Yet, people hear that and sweep it under the rug and there is a second date and a third date and a fourth and so on. They should have jumped ship on that date one. The moment they heard these rumblings, they should have already mentally said, "Next!" and moved on.

 

In order to hear those things and pay attention and walk away, you have to be in a place of internal peace and absolute confidence. You don't need this damaged person in your life, you don't feel the need to fix them, you don't feel the need to give them the benefit of the doubt, you know that you can meet someone who is better. You don't need them or their attention in your life. When you are lonely, insecure, craving ANY companionship, then you tend to ignore the damaged person telling you point blank that they are damaged because the craving for someone, anyone, any kind of attention, even if it's bad, is greater than your common sense telling you move away. Thus the concept of you attract what you are.

 

When you are in a good place, you don't have the patience for carp. Someone blowing hot and cold ruins your day and frankly you have better things to do than put up with that, so you dump them. Your are not afraid to dump them and be single, because your life is actually better without the drama in it and you have that internal confidence to know that there are plenty of other, better people out there for you to meet and date.

[kim1]

that makes sense now thanks. In the past I have swept these things under the rug and continued when there were tons of red flags. Sometimes it seems like if you break up with people easily then your friends/family think you are commitment phobic. If you stay with them and it doesn't work out they will label the guy a jerk or whatever. In my situation I feel a lot of pressure from the outside world to the point where I feel I do not want to discuss my dating life with others. I know you are not supposed to care what people think etc but I feel like a failure when relationships don't work out.