Jump to content

He's having family issues and pushed me out


justbe102

Recommended Posts

A guy i've been seeing for about 4 months recently told me his parents are getting divorced and that he needs a clean slate.

He kept emphasizing how its nothing i did but he knows I want a relationship and he isn't capable of having one and doesn't want me to worry and think about him. I was devastated and just want to be able to be there for him even if its just as a friend.

 

I tried not to contact him but gave in after a week and he told me he's not a good boyfriend and I would have grown to hate him anyway and he just needs time to be alone. He told me in time whenever that is we will definitely be friends again and who knows maybe more but that he needs this time to get over me in a sense and to figure out who he is.

 

Is this just an excuse or is there hope for the future?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, he's just not interested in being with you... the 'clean slate' excuse is nonsense too... you have absolutely nothing to do with what is going on with his parents. It's just a convenient excuse at the moment. I would lay odds that a more likely excuse is he's spied someone new who has sparked his interest and knows he can't date anyone else when he's committed to you, so he's cutting you loose to have his own freedom to date around.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Careful of your desire to be there for him. It's a red flag to yourself that you will put yourself in a codependent relationship just to keep him. That's like using him as a security blanket while he uses you as an emotional safety net. Be thankful he will not accept this from you.

 

He is taking his leave from you. Your job is to let him go, let go of him, let go of the dream of it, and open yourself to other possibilities.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's just strange because 2 days prior he had said how happy he was that i was back and how he missed me.

We had both gone home for the holidays and spoken the entire time.

I know the divorce is making him question his own relationship priorities, just trying to figure out if as a friend I should check in from time to time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Four months is not a long time, but it's not a short time either. I can tell you this: I've been dating my girlfriend for almost five months now, and if something like that were to happen with my parents a few weeks ago (i.e., after four months of being with my girl), I definitely would have leaned on her for support. I get the feeling he's using his parents' divorce as an excuse to "excuse himself" from being with you. Sorry to hear.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Careful of your desire to be there for him. It's a red flag to yourself that you will put yourself in a codependent relationship just to keep him. That's like using him as a security blanket while he uses you as an emotional safety net. Be thankful he will not accept this from you.

 

He is taking his leave from you. Your job is to let him go, let go of him, let go of the dream of it, and open yourself to other possibilities.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have known him for 4 months....I think you should just move on.

 

I was with this last chick for about the same. I'd opt anytime for her instead of the previous three year ltr even when it was in a honeymoon phase. It is general rule of the tumb it is not worth when it is short term, but not always.

 

But moving on is paramount regardless of the outcome.

 

In this particular case he's not interested and op should move on. I was pretty stressed because of my parents but not once contemplated about bailing a relationship.

 

Sent from my HTC One

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone for the responses.

Today he reached out to me telling me he didn't hate me but that he still needed time to figure out his family issues and that i would have come to hate him in a few months anyway because he's not a good boyfriend. Apparently when the time is right we will definitely be friends, and maybe something more..

 

This is coming from someone who always paid for me, held the door open and just would simply tell me i'm beautiful for the hell of it.

 

Guess there are deeper issues than i realized

Link to comment
Share on other sites

>>Apparently when the time is right we will definitely be friends, and maybe something more..

 

No, no, no! Don't fall for that... Look, he tried to sneak out the back door, and you didn't buy it (i.e., you wouldn't accept that as a good enough reason to leave). So he's upping the ante by tossing the old chestnut of 'maybe later'... he's just trying to make his getaway without you making him feel too guilty...

 

One of the hallmarks of detecting a liar is called 'too many details..' Liars know when you're not 'buying' their story (and they know it is not true), so they keep embellishing trying to read whether you 'buy' it or not and will accept the lie. They keep adding a lot of details to make the story sound more plausible and acceptable. So let's say they stand you up for a date and don't answer your texts because they're out drinking and meet a hot girl and cheat. So the story starts...'I know you're mad, but I was driving to meet you, and this dog ran out in front of the car and I swerved and hit the curb... it blew out the tire so I was stranded... I went to use the cell phone and it was dead... so I started walking and there were no phone booths... by the time I was able to find someone to fix the tire and get back home again, it was so late, I didn't want to call and wake you.

 

So in this breakup, he starts detailing all these reasons why it won't work. and he keeps talking, and you keep trying to say how that's ok, it shouldn't matter, you should support each other blah blah blah and he's thinking, what can I say to her to believe this breakup makes sense and get her to back off and accept this breakup?' You're telling him how you want to support him and think you belong together etc., so when you're not buying it, he finally hits on, 'hey, how about I tell her 'maybe someday'... that will calm her down and resolve the 'we were meant to be together thing,' and she'll let me sneak off for a while. Then by the time she realizes I'm not coming back, I'll be long gone.'

 

This is actually pretty common in breakups, where the dumper promises 'let's be friends,' and 'maybe someday', but it's just an attempt to soften the blow and allow them to make a getaway. They KNOW they're not coming back, but they also know that will make you less upset if you think maybe you'll get another chance, so they toss it in your direction and run.'

 

So let's recap his excuses:

 

It's my parent's divorce.

I'm too stressed out.

I need to be alone.

I need to figure out who I am.

I'm not good BF.

You'll grow to hate me

We can still be friends.

Maybe we'll get back together later.

I need time to get over you.

 

And really, why does he need 'time to get over you' if his intention is to get back with you?

 

It's all 'too many details' trying to get you to buy his story and let him sneak off. My guess is he went home for the holidays and hooked up with his old high school GF or met someone else! Or just decided he prefers being a free agent rather than the responsibility of being in a relationship.

 

The reality is people break up with you because they've decided they will be better off without you than with you, and they are just not happy in the relationship any more. There could be a million corrolaries to that, but the truth is, people leave because THEY WANT TO LEAVE. He doesn't want to be your BF anymore. And that is hard and painful, but all the rest is just noise. So you focus on that, that his decision is he'd be better off without you than with you, so you have to let him go, and do what is right for YOU which is find someone who WANTS to be with you, and you will if you work on putting this behind you so you can be free to find someone else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Update: I unfortunately caved in and texted him. I just have so many unanswered questions that I don't want to get in via text message.

He did respond back to me and brought up one of our inside jokes. I just want closure so I can move on.

Would it be bad thing to suggest we meet up for coffee, just to finally get closure on the matter?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...