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Amazing First Love Ended...completely broken


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So my boyfriend (Let's call him Cal) of 1 year & 3 months ended it a few days ago...saying "I don't think my feelings for you justify how serious we are", "I don't think it's love love", "How could we know as it's just our first relationship?", "I do love you, but it's just more platonic now", "Maybe our feelings for each other were never truly extremely deep, but being first loves made us think so" etc.

 

This came after a break up we had back in the end of September, after which we got back together in November (in time for our 1st anniversary).

 

I'll give you guys a background:

 

We met at the LGBT (Lesbian/Gay/Bi/Trans) groups first lunch & fell for each other immediately. He had just started university, whilst I was in my 2nd year (however I had just come out a few months back). Our likes were strikingly similar (which is rare considering a lot of our interests are rare to see in people), our values were very similar (neither of us were huge drinkers, clubbers, one night standers etc etc.....unfortunately that was my experience of many members of the LGBT group) & we found each other very attractive. Over the course of 1 month our feelings deepened & we started a relationship. For me happiness had come into my life after a long time...my parents had rejected my homosexuality & had threatened to stop funding my education if I didn't "attempt to change"...so essentially my relationship with family was now based on a lie that I would change. Cal knew this & knew our relationship would have to be hidden on Facebook etc (my parents live in a different country so there's no need to hide it locally). For Cal I was the only source of friendship as he had simply not made any other friends.

 

So began an incredible few months, we said I love you early on. And pretty much felt like we were committed to each other for life. We were both amazed at how no habits of either of ours got on each others nerves & so on. This all began before my spiral into depression, mood swings & insecurities 5-6 months into our relationship. The lack of support from family & the fear of them finding out built up like a pressure inside me...along with neglecting my friends meant Cal was my only source of support pretty much. I started getting insecure at little things he'd say, I'd question his love a lot....these arguments would happen one a week only...but they clearly weared us down. The summer was similarly stressful...I was at my parents & secret skyping is how we kept in contact...and I'd be even more insecure and unhappy then. Throughout all this & all my doubts for him he kept saying he loved me more than anything & we'd work once all the stresses around us go. This gave me a lot of faith in us and made me want to carry on. I feel the turning point came when I told him I felt like committing suicide...then a few days later I told him I said it just because I wanted his attention as we'd had an insecure fight that day...this wasn't completely true but I was in such a "guilt driven punch myself" mood that day I just said all those things. That's when I felt like irrepairable damage had been to his love.

 

When I returned in September, I was to study in a town 2 hours away from Cal, so we were now in a LDR. We decided we wanted to try to start afresh after summer, but in September we had 2 more similar arguments like we would have and at the end of the 2nd one it was over.

 

He said he just didn't feel enough love for me anymore, maybe us being each others first love ma & that he clearly could'nt be the person I needed so we aren't compatible etc.. So we broke up. There was zero NC here...we still spoke & skyped every few days. I was not over him at all. The hope of him coming back made me go for therapy to solve a lot of my underlying issues that had been caused by torture from family & so on. Over the course of one month & i worked hard to solve deep seated issues within myself & Cal saw this & realised it.

 

Meanwhile he had started a rebound relationship which had lasted for a week. He told me about it towards the end of the month saying, "It felt completely wrong, I just missed you the whole time". He said he still hadn't made any friends whatsoever at university, he missed being able to talk to me openly etc etc. After hearing all this I told him about my path through therapy & how I believe we are very compatible people. So I asked him if we should give each other another chance & he said yes. He did say then to me that his feelings of love for me still aren't back where they were. He always said, "I do, just not like I used to". I told him it'll take time for the damage to heal.

 

So November & December were two great months for us (although they were LDR...we met every weekend), or so I had thought. I went back to my parents over xmas & I noticed Cal had become somewhat distant over skype. I had a huge fight with parents over my homosexuality over the holidays & dad said, "get out of the house" to me. Cal supported me through this a lot, but it clearly had him very stressed too. I returned from parents on last Sunday to his house. That night he told me his feelings of love just hadn't come back for me (as he didn't want to get intimate that night).

 

And so we broke up. The moment I knew it was over was when I explained to him what loving him IS to me as a feeling...and he said, "I just don't feel that for you". He feel slike we're too young to know who "the one" is perhaps...but then if we were each others "ones" why are we asking the question? He said it doesn't have to forever...in a few years it could work etc. But I don't know if he just said that for my comfort or if he meant it. I just don't get how someone who loved me so fiercely lost it. I know a lot of it was my doing but I improved so much as a person FOR HIM.

 

He said he doesn't want to lose me as a friend as I'm so important to him (at the moment he still has NO FRIENDS at university) & he said still cares about me immensely. He even said we could see each other on one weekend a month. I said NO. I said I still loved him...with every sense of the word...and if he wanted this to be over then I had to be over him. So we mutually decided on NC till 22nd Feb. He said maybe that's good as we'll have time to focus on our personal selves, Cal still doesn't know what he wants to do & honestly he does need to find friends for himself.

 

I just feel so broken....I truly believed we were perfect for each other. Everything was so easy with him most of the time. I really feel like the stresses of our personal lives destroyed an incredible relationship . Maybe we were just too young to handle this relationship right now? (Me 21, him 19). It's just as a gay person you feel amazed to find anyone at all..and then when they are everything you asked for you feel so blessed. And now it's just over. .... I have such a huge weight in my chest, I feel sick, I feel shattered . I just don't think anyone can ever be like him. I just don't know how he could think maybe our feelings were never truly deep....or how he could say his feelings just faded. I even feel angry for being lead on for 2 months...I know he didn't do it intentionally & the whole time he said "it's gonna just get better & better" because he hoped it would.

 

It's like this 2nd breakup with him came out of the blue, whilst I expected the first one. It's why I feel so much more broken this time round. With the first time I felt like I could conquer my insecurities & we'd work...but now the true problem is his "feelings are gone"...and this I can't do anything about. I guess too much instability & stress happened in a short span of time!

 

I need some advice guys...how do I pick myself up? I'm in the most boring town in this country where nothing happens . I have supportive friends but I just want HIM .

 

And in a year or a few years when we're both matured could it work between us? The fact that he said it doesn't mean this over forever makes me feel he knows there's something special between us...or is that just my mind looking for "bargaining"

 

arghhh sorry for long post/vent ... i've just been in bed for3 days now. I feel like the worst part is almost like him being such a nice person...such good values...and I've lost that . There was never any shouting, abusing, hurting in our relationship ever. And even during the breakup our care towards each other shone through

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Many have been where you are now. It's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it's there. You had a wonderful experience with a person. But try not to hold on, there is so much more out there for you when you let go and become open to what the world has to offer. You're very young, it's OK to let go of this and move forward.

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Many have been where you are now. It's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it's there. You had a wonderful experience with a person. But try not to hold on, there is so much more out there for you when you let go and become open to what the world has to offer. You're very young, it's OK to let go of this and move forward.

 

Very well put. OP, everything will be OK...in time. I know that's hard to see right now. Stick around ENA, it honestly was the best thing for me after the break up that brought me here.

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Many have been where you are now. It's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it's there. You had a wonderful experience with a person. But try not to hold on, there is so much more out there for you when you let go and become open to what the world has to offer. You're very young, it's OK to let go of this and move forward.

 

This is great advice. I recently had my heart broken by my first love as well. It was very difficult. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying. But, with the help of friends and a willingness to embrace new experiences, here I am four months later feeling much better. Try to find someone to support you in this difficult time. You will find the sunshine again, I promise.

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Thanks for the supporting responses guys. That light at the end of the tunnel just seems so impossible to see right now, there's glimmers (whenever I'm listening to some inspirational songs haha), or otherwise he is the light (but I know it's not healthy expecting reconciliation). I wished I had hobbies/activities I could enjoy doing, but we shared all those too *sigh* .

 

I'm really lucky with all the friends supporting me though, there's exams coming up too which is an added stress on this...just can't seem to work.

 

I'm glad you guys felt better eventually

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