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This isn't alright.


Fudgie

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I wrote about this months ago. The writing is on the wall now. I am being isolated from my mom too. Apparently he doesn't like her and doesn't want me to see her, even if it's just her. Even if I see her while he's at work so he's not alone when he comes home. I feel very isolated but I am doing my best to stand up for myself and to live my life as I see fit. My goal right now is to concentrate on my health.

 

It is what it is. This isn't going to last but I will be okay through it all. I can make it out of this.

 

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It is time to leave that relationship Hun. Hugs. He is never going to leave you alone until he completely isolates you from your family. And he has to keep this up now that you are recovering from surgery? Seriously, he has MAJOR problems. I know for me I would not drag this out any longer. Time to leave. You've been saying for almost a year now that the writing is on the wall so why stay? What do you hope to get out of it? What makes you want to stay until it gets so bad that you can't stand it and have to leave?

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I honestly thought he would change, Vic. I thought if he got on meds and stayed in therapy that he could work on his issues. Most relate to his past. I really did.

 

But stuff happened recently and I realized that it's too much.

 

I need to get out and I realize that now. He's not going to change. I don't know when I am going to leave but it's going to happen.

 

He can't isolate me from my family, Esp my mom because she has done so much for me now and our relationship has improved a lot. I know what's going on and I am not going to let him.

 

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At the moment I am a little stuck but it's temporary. I have lost a lot of weight already but I am still healing and limited in what I can do. I can't lift anything, for example. I still need help shopping. Right now, things are pleasant but I know what I have to do, you know? I need to figure things out.

 

I am sad but determined.

 

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I just can't believe I am really going to go through another BU in the future. I really wanted him to be the one for me. I really thought that with enough love, meds, therapy, and time, he'd work through his issues and become a better person. I held on for a long time because I'd see some effort and he said he'd change. I feel like he's changing too but it's not for the better. I don't want to be completely isolated like he is.

 

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I just can't believe I am really going to go through another BU in the future. I really wanted him to be the one for me. I really thought that with enough love, meds, therapy, and time, he'd work through his issues and become a better person. I held on for a long time because I'd see some effort and he said he'd change. I feel like he's changing too but it's not for the better. I don't want to be completely isolated like he is.

 

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Its hard when you see what someone COULD, but, they don't make the choices to become that better person. The bottom line is you can't do anything for him. The only thing you can do is express how you feel and if he doesn't respond with kindness, compassion, and understanding then he isn't worthy of your time.

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Isolation is primary tool for abuser. Without it they are powerless. They need to isolate their victims in order to abuse them. You Must not accept isolation and therefore help him create convenient setting to harass you. Stand up for yourself by taking control over your life. 13 years ago i left abusive relationship. I was isolated, forbidden to have any friends, ordered to forget and give up my family, contact with my father, brother, any of my friends etc was out of question ...I'd advise you to call trustworthy person, somebody who loves you. It can be family member or a good friend, ask them to come over and take you away. That's what i did. If you do leave, you should not be left alone for some time and should always be in contact with couple of people who will help you if you need them. (stalking and abuse can continue can continue even when you leave) He does not need to know where you are, or who you are with. After the dust settles, you can start over on your own. imo it's important to always have few people who will be aware of your whereabouts 24/7 just in case.

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My mom and a couple of my good female friends, who live nearby, know where I am. Thank you for your advice. I doubt he will turn violent but if he does, he will sorely regret it.

 

Sorry, I get very burnt up thinking about being hit. If I need to defend myself, I will if I have to. But I will press full charges if he lays a hand on me.

 

I don't think it will come to that. I have been stalked after ending a relationship and I hope that won't happen again. We will see.

 

Right now I am concentrating on healing. But I know what I have to do

 

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Personally I think he's jealous that you have a relationship with your family. I also think he's jealous that you have a healing relationship with the members of your family. He doesn't even have enough within him to be happy for you for that. And get down on you while you're healing from surgery well that's just downright yeah abusive and nasty.

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oh my goodness. i did not know any of this. i am so sorry. you are such a strong woman. you're right - this is an abuser technique - the isolation. i'm glad you see that and are making plans to get out. big hugs. i know you're going to get out of this stronger and better than ever.

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A didn't like my mother either, Fudgie. He tried to isolate me from her and the rest of my fam. He always found a reason to dislike them all.

 

I know you see his potential but unfortunately you do have to take him as he is, not what he could be. I'm sorry you're coming to the realizations you are.

 

Personally I think he's jealous that you have a relationship with your family. I also think he's jealous that you have a healing relationship with the members of your family. He doesn't even have enough within him to be happy for you for that. And get down on you while you're healing from surgery well that's just downright yeah abusive and nasty.

 

Honestly, I really agree with this taking into account your history with him. It was my immediate thought, too.

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I'm really sorry about this Fudgie. Did it start before or after the surgery? I've heard about men reaction quite badly to weightless because it makes them scared they're going to be left behind.

 

(Not that that excuses this behaviour, mind.)

 

yes. i can see a less secure man afraid you're going to leave him for someone else now that you are losing weight.

 

i'm sorry honey. i know you're doing this all for your health.

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Things were iffy before surgery but I think things are getting worse now that I've had it and am losing a lot of weight and getting healthy. I really am just doing this for my health. I was on the road to diabetes and I already have high cholesterol. I also would like to feel better about myself. I am morbidly obese but won't be for long.

 

*sigh*

 

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I could only wonder how many girls your age could strive to be as strong as you. You are wise beyond your years, tough as nails. I don't doubt for a bit that you will make it through this.

 

I'm sorry he is doing this to you. Everyone needs to have their family by their side, boyfriends come and go but family is forever. Please be safe hon.

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Things were iffy before surgery but I think things are getting worse now that I've had it and am losing a lot of weight and getting healthy. I really am just doing this for my health. I was on the road to diabetes and I already have high cholesterol. I also would like to feel better about myself. I am morbidly obese but won't be for long.

 

*sigh*

 

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How would he react if you directly confronted him about his behavior/attitude? And made it clear it was destroying your relationship?

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Fudgie you have many supporters on ENA who believe in you and know your strength. Just because you CAN cope with this doesn't mean you should. I worry for you, as I think i know how you would advise someone else. "Health" is a big word. Please please think about the whole you. Our thoughts and feelings contribute to our recovery.

 

As you know, Isolating you is NOT an expression of value, rather, it's an expression of non-value, since it's okay to use you to serve his own needs.

 

As you say, this is so not okay. Please keep checking in. Also make sure your posts here remain unknown to him. I want to hear of your success and happiness and I don't want anyone to steal that from you.

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I'm sorry... it is so hard when you sense a relationship is slipping away and just not right and not going to make it.

 

But you are right, your focus now needs to be on YOU and getting healthy and recovering from your surgery and getting to the point where you can take care of yourself... You'll get there, and once you do, you can plan the best way to extricate yourself from this situation. Keep in touch with your family via the phone, and include them in your plans to help you get out of this situation and into a place of your own. He doesn't have to know anything about those plans, and in fact, if he is controlling and trying to isolate you, it is better that he doesn't know anything about what you intend to do until after you do it.

 

You are so young and intelligent, you have a bright future for yourself if you take care of yourself, and you WILL meet someone new eventually who won't act this way. I'm glad you're strong enough to recognize you deserve to be treated well and don't have to put up with bad behavior from him.

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I am going to be okay. Just have to hang in there and focus on me for a while. I am doing really well with my health.

 

Moontiger, I have been direct with him and told him my feelings. It makes him pretty upset and it leads to an argument. He makes me feel like it's my fault. I am not perfect here but I feel like he thinks the reason why this relationship is stumbling is all because of me. And it's not.

 

I know what I feel though. And no one can change that.

 

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