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Me [26M] and my GF [22F] of 4 years. I feel she is interested in someone new


Nyctimene

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I met her almost 4 years ago. We were introduced by a friend I will call John. John was my roommate at the time and a close friend of hers (they also had a very brief relationship history that didn't pan out at all). We hit it off immediately, she truly felt like "the one" to me. She is a very intelligent girl, graduated with her BS earlier this year, and is currently on the way to return to school to complete her MD.

 

I had been successful in landing great jobs and have continued developing my career and acquiring new certifications and credentials. 4 months after I met her, I was offered a great job in "San Diego" (not actual city, but on par) and decided to leave my previous job of 3 years to take the opportunity this job would provide me. I am still in the same job and thoroughly enjoy it. She encouraged me to take the job even though we had only known each other for 4 months at this point, we figured we could make things work out somehow as we know something special was between us.

 

I took the job, she finished her spring semester at her previous school and found a way to transfer to a very prominent local school. She moved in with me and we split the bills. Life was absolute bliss. We got along so well, made great memories, met great friends, etc. I knew I would ask her to marry me as soon as I felt she was ready. I wanted her to meet her educational goals and clean her slate first. 3 years together went by like a blur in this bliss.

 

Then I had a rude awakening this past year. I felt things had been going so great, but something didn't sit right with my stomach. I felt her love for me had begun to fade. I still loved her just the same, but her love for me just didn't feel as it had for the first 3 years, and it was almost an immediate feeling.

 

In the summer of 2013 she had to return home to visit family several times for a birthday and a family vacation tradition, then for a funeral later in the year. The funeral visit was rough on her, as any funeral would be. It occurred in September and was for her grandfather. While she was there I was very stressed out with the balance of my work life and the classes I had been taking. During a few of our conversations I told her I felt like I could be more productive and focused sometimes without her around (I work from home, but meet with customers in their offices, so my office/workplace is in my house). I started to dwell on this idea as I let the stress consume me, but I was not adamant to bring it back up with her. I apologized for saying it and explained to her how stressed I was with everything.

 

She returned 2 weeks later, but had been looking for jobs while she was home with her family. There was a possibility that she would be able to complete her MD at a well known school in that area and work for them, giving her a significant tuition drop. Before she returned, she extended her stay by almost a week, quit her job back at home with me (which was not a good job to begin with), and had an interview with a job opportunity that we both felt would be great for her. She came home after the interview, then found out she landed the job.

We were both happy about the job; she would be able to potentially finish her MD at a 20% tuition rate at this school now. But she had to move out from living with me as she had been for the past 2.5 years or so. Her dad drove down and helped her pack a small u-haul up with her belongings. She stayed an extra week because she really didn't want to leave me.

 

Now the bad. There were 3 times in 2013 where I became sick to my stomach with a feeling that things just weren't right between us. The 2nd and 3rd times I did something I really shouldn't have done; I went through her laptop and her journal. When I did though, I found a lot of strange things going on.

 

She had 2 journal entries where she proclaimed things between us had been going terrible and brought up 2 arguments we had. The problem is, she never told me a word of her concerns or that anything had really been bothering or troubling her. When I confronted her about the journal entries, she told me that they weren't meant to be interpreted as significantly as she made them sound, for as she put it she "only wrote in there when things had gotten to a breaking point for her and [she] needed to vent."

 

When I went through her laptop, I found several strange conversations between her and her male friends. Some I had never met and she would skype and FB chat these guy friends on and off constantly. During our relationship up to this point, there were 2 occurrences where I accidentally (yes, I swear innocence) came accross inappropriate text message conversations between her and two other male friends where I felt that they had said something that went too far. I felt she had failed to define a boundary to these guys (who were clearly interested in her) and explain that she was in a relationship. But she claimed ignorance to what these guys were getting at and promised she wouldn't let it happen again. Fair enough for me. I trusted her like my right hand at the time those text messages occurred.

 

She also kept contact open with John, who she had a very brief previous relationship history with. He was unwilling to close the door of possibility that something more might come out of their friendship again one day. In fact, at one point in 2011, he told her he was just using me to offload her onto someone else temporarily while he got his life together so that they could form a great relationship. She dismissed this at the time, calling him ridiculous and even told me about it. John and I were not enemies at all but we only knew each other for the 4 months we lived together as roommates. Soon after he had said this he deleted me from facebook, which I didn't even find out about until much later. I always got the feeling he was fairly immature.

 

When she moved back to start her job, her conversations between her male friends picked up and she started hanging out with John since he lived in the area. He was helping her with her car at first, but they started to hang out very often. They would go out to catch lunch together, he came over once and cooked her dinner at her mothers house, and they went out to a movie together once or twice. Finally, she ended up having a breakdown one afternoon when they were talking together after he had been working on her car. She told him she still loved him in this moment but she couldn't give him what he wanted right now. Nothing happened except some hand holding and the exchange of words. I trust her in this answer. She later wrote him a letter to confirm that she still loved him (John sent it to me) but couldn't give him what he wanted. Her explanation to me was that she was very confused with everything that had been going on in her life.

 

Simultaneously, she had been talking to another male friend of hers who I will call Adam. She met Adam on her way to move in with me (she had to take the train). She met him in 2011 while he was on his way back to school with his girlfriend at the time. This was one of the guys that she had an inappropriate text message conversation with that I found by accident. I found out later that she intentionally deleted all of her text conversations with him from her phone from that point forward. She also removed him from her Facebook friends and never re-added him (also something I was completely unaware of).

 

She and Adam had been skyping a lot and e-mailing and texting. Then I found out she was travelling 2 hours away in each direction to go spend a day with him every other weekend since the time she moved back home. She claimed they were just friends. Something worth adding is that she had a lot of car trouble at the time and she was broke. She didn't have the money or a safe car to be driving 250 miles to visit any friend each weekend, regardless of who it was.

 

She claims their Saturday meetups were around his family twice (once out to dinner and once to an art show), and just with him once. The one time they met up alone, she met him in a place that was 2 hours or more from each of them (each way) and they went out to dinner together and exchanged Christmas gifts. She had purchased him over $130 in gifts, which I found out about later and felt was very strange.

So after confronting her about everything I found, and feeling wrong about digging through her computer, I was still looking for answers. I thought it was obvious at this point; I thought she wanted someone else and she had completely lost interest in me. But she says she still loves me. She insists that she and Adam are simply friends and there is nothing more to it. He apparently has a girlfriend as well. Her explanation for telling John that she loved him was simply that she was very confused by all of the recent events of her life and that things had become overwhelming. She said that he was trying to re-kindle a relationship with her which I do believe.

 

If you made it this far.. jeeez.

 

Here are my questions

 

What should I think at this point?

Am I history to her already?

Should I keep waiting for the letter she said she would write me to fully explain everything that went on that I saw?

Is she just so stressed out about her life that she let herself be taken advantage of?

Does she really not understand the boundaries between herself and other men while she is in a relationship or does she just not care?

 

 

tl;dr: My girlfriend has been spending a lot of time around other male friends, going as far as to tell an old friend (who she was once in a brief relationship with) that she still loves him. She claims she was confused. I don't know what to think.

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You're her security blanket but she's not in love with you and I wonder if she ever was. I've been stressed countless times in my life but it never made me tell someone I loved them..while I was in a relationship with someone else.

I think you know what you have to do.

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Thank you for the advice.

 

I should clarify that she claims she only told him she loved him "as a friend"

 

Here is the text of her note:

 

 

 

She wrote that note out to him after they had that emotional talk I described. It all occurred before I came up to spend Christmas and New Years with her and her family.

 

During the time I found out about everything I told John about everything I had found as well and asked his perspective and what had gone on. He is also very skeptical on her state of mind at this point and wants nothing to do with her.

 

She is fairly slow to respond to me by phone, text, and skype. I basically send her a few texts a day (only if she responds to them) and maybe I'll call her to talk for a few minutes just to see what she is up to. She really does not want to talk much right now and would rather have some time to think about everything. She also says she is piecing together a letter for me to explain everything.

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That's a love letter if I ever saw one. A very emotional one at that.

 

Why would you even consider being with a woman who told someone else 'I’d rather be a pebble in your shoe walking the wrong direction and be with you than lose you' or 'When my Grandma talks to me about her and grandpa I DO think of you'???

 

I'm surprised you're still contacting her. 4 years are a lot to get over, I know..but you're only 26. You will meet someone who can give you what you deserve. This girl is just playing with your heart. At this point, it's a matter of dignity, too. How can you live with her and with yourself if you continue the relationship after all this?

 

She's in love with him...and she's a liar, too. She doesn't deserve you.

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She's keeping too many men around and does not seem too 'innocent'. I've got a male friend whom i've hung around on occasion. He's helped out with diff things and he is married. I have known him for yrs.

BUT we have respect & understanding here. He has a life with his wife n kids. I do NOT meddle in their lives at all.

 

We all have RESPECT. If he can help with something, he'll offer or i'll ask. I do NOT expect anything from him and give them all MUCH room to live their life.

We NEVER hang out all the time for anything. He is a nice, decent guy and is just a 'friend' . Lines have NEVER been crossed in the 15 yrs I have known him.

 

People need to 'learn' such things as respect and do not cross those lines. Clearly, it seems she was taking too much advantage of these guys- and lines have been crossed a bit too much...

 

I agree with Missmarple ^. Dignity & self respect. Walk away from this crap you do not need and find yourself someone who is FULLY into you and wants to be with you and just you.

 

tc

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Thank you for all the replies.

 

I have stressed the important parts of my end of the story, yes. I do agree however that I played a part in confusing her.

 

For example, there were several times where I told her that I felt like things might be better for me if she moved out from living with me. Of course it was an accident when I said these things, I really didn't mean them. But I was stressed out when I would say such things. I would apologize for them later and talk to her about them. It was mainly caused by stress and I fully regretted what I had said. Sometimes things felt like they would get to a breaking point in our living situation. But more than anything in my life I loved having her around me whenever possible. And I would remind her of this constantly when I apologized. Her being in school and working part time, and I working full time from home made things difficult sometimes, because she was also home with me much of the time when I was working from home. It could be distracting at times. This came up only a handful of times over 2.5-3 years though.

 

Another thing that we argued about several times through the past year or year and a half is not spending enough time going out on dates and such. She made it clear to me that I had not been spending enough time taking her out to do things together. I would blame my work and my home projects for leaving me with little time to spare sometimes, but understood her request. I felt bad when she brought it to my attention and promised that we would start going out on a clear date (movie, dinner, romantic getaway for a day) at least once a month. We definitely met this goal. I can recount the places I took her (just me and her) during the last year of our relationship. I went over the top for her birthday in July when we moved. I tried to keep her occupied and tried to make her feel loved as best I could, but starting in July was when things started to feel strange between us.

 

Anyways, I am still talking to her. I have talked to one other person about the situation at this point, my brother, who is very familiar with her (he even lived with us for a while when we were both living together and she became good friends with him). My brother offered to talk to her as well but she says she feels uncomfortable about it now that he knows most of what has gone on between us. So she is finally talking to her brother about the whole situation today and I asked he if she could try to get him to talk to me as well. I know her brother fairly well after being with her for nearly 4 years.

 

There are two sides to every story. I have yet to hear the side of her story that makes me logically understand what was going on in her mind that made her do what she did. She continues to insist that she has always loved me and was always faithful, but even she herself can't explain why she did what she did and told her old friend that she loved him and wrote that note. She sticks with her explanation that she was just confused and too much was going on in her life and between us at the time. But with all of my interest in trying to figure out the situation, she just doesn't seem to want to talk about things and tell me how she truly feels. She has been fairly slow to talk to me lately and doesn't seem as worried about everything as I am. I just want resolution.

 

I even told her many times when I was up there for Christmas and New Years and I had just found out about everything: "If there is someone else, and I'm not the one for you, and you don't truly love me deep down, just say so. If that is the case, I just want to know so I can move on, because I am so hurt by what I have seen."

 

But she continues to tell me her feelings are with me. Even the night I left, she was briefly talking to Adam via skype and he stayed at her aunts house the very next night so that they could go hang out together for the day on Saturday with his sister. I called her at 7am the next morning after I found out about these plans and basically tried to get her once again to tell me where her feelings for me really stand. Of course she sent Adam home and they never spent that day together, but I would think after everything that had gone on, that she would have cancelled those plans to begin with if she understood how strange their friendship appeared to me. She has hidden all of the details of that friendship from me for the past 2 years.

 

I don't know why, but I am hopeful that the old her will come back. The one that loved me unconditionally and was so grateful for me. I feel like her whole move back home and starting a new job and everything has made her life very difficult for the time being. Plus we are now separated by 1300 miles.

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This girl doesn't very nice tbh, she doesn't seem to give much thought for your feelings, she has guys in waiting everywhere she goes and on top of that she is sending love letters to her ex.

 

Seriously and not to be horrible, but you need to take a good look at yourself and how you judge characters if you let most of this stuff go on her word alone

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Again, I want to say thank you to those who have read and responded. Your advice is greatly appreciated.

 

We are still discussing things and she is going to talk to her brother about everything. Hopefully I can talk to him as well.

 

This has been going on since Christmas. I've been back home, away from her for about a week now. After almost 4 years together, it's a little hard to just cut ties and end everything right this moment, especially when she hasn't explained herself and feelings to me yet. She has been very busy with work and stuff since I left and hasn't had hardly any time to write her letter to me. After she speaks to her brother and writes me this letter, I will be ready to take the next steps.

 

PS - we have dealt with this distance between us before and have lived apart for 7 months before.

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I think you need to cut out your brother, her brother, etc, from this equation. It is between you and her only. And John is way too involved here as far as sending you the letter she sent him, you talking to John,etc. Don't "get anybody" to talk to her. You aren't ready to have a committed for life relationship yet if you are triangulating this all amongst other people. And this is all getting confusing. I don't think you should wait for her to tell you her feelings. I think her feelings are clear - even if her feelings are very confused. Make the decision for yourself whether you want to leave her or want to put up with the confusion longer.

 

btw, yes - never tell someone you would get more done when they were not around. That probably helped make her direction easier as well.

 

Also, the other thing - what kind of torture is John putting her through to say he is unloading her onto someone else to pick up with her later or that she is basically not good enough yet or what he needs yet. He sounds like a jerk too.

 

I would get out of the lives of this big mess.

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