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Break up or stay together?


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Hi everyone,

 

Sorry if I am not good at describing the situation, I am new to this.

 

So me and my girlfriend are going out for about 2 years and we recently moved to my home country. She hates if I drink or go to bars etc. as she has serious trust issues so I agreed not to do it, on condition that she doesn't either. (My thing is that I hate double standards) While visiting her parents and friends for a week she went to a bar with her friends, got drunk and stayed out till 3am. She lied to me about going there and said she had gone to a restaurant and was in bed when I texted her (around 12am) but I found out later she was still at the bar at that point. She later admitted to all of this as I acted like I had found it out somehow (I was 99% sure something was up as it just didn't add up). She claims she was going to tell me the next day but I have my doubts. I do feel strongly about this girl but at the same time this seems like a huge betrayal of trust. I'm not the most trusting person in the world but even I just never imagined she would go behind my back like this and I don't know if I could trust her enough to be in a healthy relationship ever again.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Thanks for reading and thanks for any input if you choose to leave it.

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I'm not the most trusting person in the world but even I just never imagined she would go behind my back like this and I don't know if I could trust her enough to be in a healthy relationship ever again.

 

Based on the fact that you agreed to no longer drink/go to bars makes me think this was never a healthy relationship. That was an unreasonable request on her end and a bad idea for you to agree to it, in my opinion.

 

If both of you have so many trust issues, break up and get some individual therapy. You can't continue this way. I think that people in relationships should be allowed to go out to socialize, even to bars.

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Going to a bar might not be a huge deal but the lying is for me

 

But you have to acknowledge that the unreasonable rules that were put in place to start with led to the lying. If the two of you weren't trying so hard to control each other, there would probably be no fear of getting reprimanded, which in turn leads to people making poor choices like lying.

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I agree with Bulletproof...You are both to blame, you should never have agreed with her terms and she needed to trust you in the first place. Now you are stuck with this ridiculous control rubbish where you both cannot do things freely for fear of messing up and be accused of lying, being deceitful, untrustworthy etc for doing normal things like having fun in bars with friends!

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But you have to acknowledge that the unreasonable rules that were put in place to start with led to the lying. If the two of you weren't trying so hard to control each other, there would probably be no fear of getting reprimanded, which in turn leads to people making poor choices like lying.

 

You both make a good point

 

Thanks everyone

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  • 4 weeks later...

Considering she wanted you not to go to bars, as she has trust issues... But then SHE lied and actually went to a bar.... Is a bit worrying. She lied and did a huge double standard. That's really wrong.

 

I hope she was sorry? And explained herself as to why she felt she had to hide it? (Probably because she knew she was asking more from you than she could do herself!).

 

Controlling what each person does is never a true, healthy relationship. It may work in the short term, but you both have to think: if I really believe this person is gonna cheat on me, then I shouldn't be with them.

 

Compromise and communication are your best bet!! Agree to go out together to bars, maybe with friends!

 

- When you both need a day/evening out with your mates alone, then set some ground rules to help BUILD the trust... Example: you'll come home by a certain time, like 1am? You're partner can call you anytime they like (if they need a bit of reassurance)?

You'll promise to not get REALLY drunk? Your partner can pick you up from the bar? You know who they're going out with?

 

Before someone says "but this isn't trust" just stop and think: trust has been broken, and this couple needs to build it again.... So this is a way to compromise and work together on trust as a team. Then one day, when they've got a foundation, then they'll go wherever they like, stay as long as they like and things will be smooth sailing!

 

 

Also, read up online about self-help exercises to trust someone... Sit and read it together and talk about it! Be open, work as a team to see what approach works for you both.... Communicate with each other!!

 

Ps, if she then breaks trust again - leave.

 

Good luck

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