Can't make sense of why he is jealous

[sadgirl23]

When my ex and I were talking about the possibility of getting back together he said that it really upset him that I seem to casually drop stories about guys I dated.

I apologised to him for being insensitive and told him that I understood where he's coming from and it would bother me too.

He said that he doesn't say anything about other people, out of consideration for me, because he knows how it would make him feel.

I respect and appreciate him for that.

 

However he has used this as the reason he does not want to be with me and all contact has shut down.

I am trying to respect his decision but a few things keep my mind stuck thinking about it:

 

1) There was one point where he was seeing someone and I tried to still be friends with him. So I acted like I wasn't bothered and told him I was dating. I guess I hoped that by acting nonchalant he'd see my efforts to try to be platonic. He jokingly tried to find me a guy on a dating site, on his phone. And he has given me relationship advice.

He never told me he was bothered about hearing about it.

He would ask me if my new man has met my kids and talked me through a break up.

 

2) He would never tell me anything about his love life apart from saying he's seeing someone if I asked.

 

3) We never talked about sex with other people and it's clear we both liked to imagine that the other person was only ever sitting in a cafe having coffee or holding hands. But it came out that we both slept with other people in an effort to move on.

 

4) He would txt me about how he misses kissing me and wishes things were different and missed sexual things we did, even told me he would stop by my house to see me then change his mind. All while he's still seeing someone. I would shut it down every time. I would tell him about people I'm dating to try to give him the hint that he's with someone, it's inappropriate, I'm not going to sit around waiting for him and don't want to be reduced to this person he can unload to or get an ego boost from.

However: he said that it always bothered him that an ex of mine (call him Waldo) would call and message me to ask if I was available for a hook up. He knew I never indulged it or cheated on him. And that I told him about it. He was bothered that I remained friends with Waldo.

Also: he remains friends with his ex wife and says I have to accept that he sees her and talks to her.

 

So, I don't know if I have actually blown a chance at reconciliation. It has left me feeling hard on myself like, am I immature-have I taken this too far with the whole front of acting like we are just friends/I was okay when I was not with him. He says he thinks I deliberately try to make him jealous and he can't stand it.

 

He knew I had insecurities about his relationship with his ex wife and with his female friends so maybe he's showing me how I was being. I abruptly ended it with him because I was convinced he still had feelings for his ex wife. But he has never been back with her yet. I apologised to him for this.

Maybe he still holds it against me, I don't now.

 

He has abruptly ended it with me, too, for thinking I was still hung up on Waldo.

 

The more I write this it just seems so complicated -more than it should be. So I give him credit for putting a stop to it. But I feel all bamboozled again.

 

I thought he and I were on the same page. I respect his decision but I want to make sense of it.

[mhowe]

Unless other is a child, no need to be in contact with ex wife.

Once your relationship started...Waldo should have been told you were off market. And if he called more than once...flag on you.

 

Sounds like neither of you has good boundaries.

Also sounds like he just changed his mind @ reconciliation and is just blowing smoke.

 

Time to put the mess in the past and move on.

[sadgirl23]

I know. He told me I the same, that Waldo should have been told I was off the market, but I kept him on as a friend. If I'm honest it is because I never felt 100% secure in the relationship and I wanted to have a little emotional back up that someone still wanted me. I know it's not right or fair and I feel deeply remorseful about it.

I felt it was the only way to cope with the seemingly odd relationship he had with his ex wife (they do have a child together) -but they talk beyond it being about kids.

I guess it was a bit of a thing of: if you have that then I will have this.

[mhowe]

If he has a child...then a cordial and ongoing stable relationship.with ex is necessary. They are allowed to talk of things other than the kid.

 

Your -for-tat mentality and insecurity played a significant role in the demise of the relationship.

[sadgirl23]

It is good for me to hear it straight.

He did give me reassurance. He didn't talk about other people -he never has spoken a word of exes before his wife and he always said he'd speak respectfully of her.

He also spoke respectfully of people he dated.

It makes me look like the out of control person now, telling him about my dating horror stories in an attempt to be funny. In my mind, at the time I thought I was trying to say to him that 'although I was trying to move on, I'm available to you'. It was me trying to drop hints that he can be with me.

I guess I could have just not said any of that and just been more direct and said 'I made a lot of mistakes I regret and I'd like another chance to make a go of things with you.'

I have been immature, haven't I

I don't know if I can or should do anything to rectify this (with him). He's had enough.

[mhowe]

Yes....there is nothing more to be done. He has had enough.

[sadgirl23]

I guess I was trying to illustrate to him that I was trying to move on, so he wouldn't worry that if he did talk to me that I would be wanting him.

I was trying to show that I was okay. I was trying to play it cool.

And yes, a part of it was a dig at him for dating other people -I went on a bit of a dating rampage and I told him about it.

It probably made me sound desperate or like I want to seem like soo many people want me. Gah!!

I also made a stupid comment about how I've done things differently with other people and it's been easier and wish it had been different with him. I was trying to say that I learned more. But clearly I still have more to learn. About keeping my mouth shut

[mhowe]

^^^^^Word.

 

It wasn't a competition. It didn't make you look cool...it made you look disinterested. And bragging about what you did with others...immature and petty.

[sadgirl23]

I didn't want to seem vulnerable like I sit at home on the porch everyday waiting for him to come back.

I would tell him that I missed him and that I wished it could be different, that he would turn around and come back. He would say he would in a heartbeat, too if he thought things would be different.

So I thought we finally got to this point where we were meeting on even ground. But I guess I made it clear I hadn't changed. I got all excited and didn't censor myself.

I guess I am a bit emotional and he is very restrained and controlled in some ways but he likes to be able to let lose with me.

He at one point called me high maintenance. I don't get that. Exactly how do 'normal' people operate. Do they just say 'hi, I like you'. 'I like you too' 'Great' and ride off into the sunset. I feel so foolish now.

[pl3asehelp]

Wow. Isn't all this acting exhausting? Just be yourself and be honest - much easier and it will always get you the best results.

[mhowe]

Don't know what normal people do. Authentic people don't act or worry about looking vulnerable. Because to love is to be vulnerable.

[sadgirl23]

Aaah I'm starting to think about this too much.

He did tell me when we first broke up that he thought I wasn't serious about him. That I was either hung up on an ex or didn't want something long term, I met up with a male acquaintace for a drink and didn't tell him til afterward. All at the start when he had not done anything to warrant me thinking he wasn't invested.

I just always got this niggling feeling that he was always (or capable of) hiding stuff.

Since then he has shown that he txts and sees me when he's dating other people. So it is possible he was doing the same to me.

He also went on a dating site behind my back. So I guess my first instinct has always been to try to show him 2 can play that game -if I wanted to.

But it was the wrong way to go about it. I should have just said 'I don't like this' -then decided if I was in or out. Not lowered myself to the same level or competing.

It makes me so sad, because it's clear when he and I are together that at a basic level there is a huge natural connection and affinity to each other.

I just hope I find that again

[pippy longstocking]

I have to agree with what has been said ...it was exhausting to read , it was like you had to be one step ahead of yourself all the time to make sure the right imformation was been given, with the right combination of prods to his mind to make sure he got just the right impression ..

 

Love shouldn't be this hard darling

[sadgirl23]

You're right, it shouldn't be this hard. Deep down I know the feeling he gives me is that he could leave at any moment, as he does. One wrong step and he's gone.

I have already found myself having one night stands with him last year. Always trying to pretend I'm okay with him leaving and feeling like I did myself a disservice. It leads me to behave in strange ways to try to get what I know is probably not a good idea and at the same time try to protect myself. It was foolish.

If I felt safe with him I'd probably have no troubles laying it bare for him. Instead of being scared that showing attention and affection will make him think I'm clingy and cause him to run.

[pl3asehelp]

Your self esteem is very, very low. This will prevent you from finding satisfaction from relationships, what you will get instead, as you're learning, is anxiety.