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Am I Expecting Too Much?

villgirl

By villgirl
in Dating Advice

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villgirl Apprentice

villgirl

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I met a guy on OKCupid and we went on our first date a week before Christmas. We really clicked, and he even took down his account after our date (!).

 

We went on three more dates over the following two weeks and they were all great. We had sex, and we texted on a near daily basis.

 

BUT after Christmas, he got insanely busy at work. He also got sick. I invited him out for NYE, but he worked late and went to bed early. A couple days later, we made last-minute plans to hang out, but a blizzard hit and he bailed. A couple days after that, we had a pre-scheduled date, but he ended up working late as well.

 

I tried not to be too angry or disappointed. I knew he was super stressed out, preparing to go on a two-week business trip. I didn't want him to feel like I was a chore.

 

So, he's been on this trip now for a few days. We've been texting, and we had a nice phone date the other night that made me feel better about things.

 

He told me that he was going to be back in town for the night to fly out of our city's airport the next morning for another leg of his trip. He said he wanted to try to see me, even briefly, but it was up in the air as he didn't know what time he'd be back.

 

So, I went out with some girlfriends for dinner, hoping I might get to see him. Well, I get a text around 9pm, saying he'd just gotten back and wouldn't be going out. I sent him a slightly y response, saying that I would've gone to him but to "do what you have to do. See you around." I haven't gotten a reply since then (he's probably on a flight or driving right now).

 

Do you think I'm expecting too much of him, this early on? The more rational side of me says yes. He has every reason to have bailed on me four times in a row. It's been an abnormally stressful time for him at work and he's been sick. On our phone date, he was coughing and sneezing, and I felt terrible for him. And we've only been dating for a few weeks. I'm not that high, yet, on his priority list. Friend A thinks that he's demonstrated he likes me, but he is just crazy busy right now.

 

On the other hand, I feel like he COULD'VE made a bit more of an effort to see me, both before his trip and last night. Friend B thinks he's already taking me for granted, that I'll be available when he is able to fit me into his schedule, and that I should back away a bit. Friend C (for Cynical) thinks I might be getting played. I doubt it, he seems too genuine, but then again, I hardly know him.

 

I don't want to play games. I just don't know.

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RedDress Experienced

RedDress

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Personally, this is why I think sex too soon in dating is a bad idea. After sex, people start looking at whether they are being "treated right" or "used". Before sex, you probably would have just left the ball in his court and if he contacts you, he contacts you. At least most people would. You'd find out pretty quick whether his being "busy" was because he was really busy or if he just wasn't interested.

 

Anyways, of his excuses:

- NYE (or any holiday) may have been too soon for your very young relationship

- A blizzard is a pretty valid reason to cancel a date

- I don't even think he should have mentionned trying to get together between flights. That was a silly thing to try to "plan" and it was easily predictable that this wouldn't happen, IMO - even with the best of intentions.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have sent him that text - but I also wouldn't be calling him or texting him anymore either. I think it's just about leaving the ball in his court and seeing what he does with it. It's pretty obvious after bailing all those times that he'd have to make up for it in a big way... I would have just let him do that (or not - and then you know where you stand too).

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fifregister Enthusiast

fifregister

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Personally, this is why I think sex too soon in dating is a bad idea. After sex, people start looking at whether they are being "treated right" or "used". Before sex, you probably would have just left the ball in his court and if he contacts you, he contacts you. At least most people would. You'd find out pretty quick whether his being "busy" was because he was really busy or if he just wasn't interested.

 

 

Generally if you're the type of person to become attached and hold sex as a monumental occasion, then yes your expectations may have jumped from "casual dating" to "relationship" despite your best intentions. Do you usually have these expectations regardless of whether you've slept with a guy or not?

 

Regardless, you shouldn't feel bad about what you did or didn't do. His actions reflect what HE is and where HE is at in terms of dating/relationships etc.

 

Generally I would dismiss a guy after 4 times blowoff. Coming up with a couple of valid reasons for blowing off is ok, FOUR is...excessive.

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villgirl Apprentice

villgirl

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Yes, I know I should just chill. Most of my brain is screaming that at me right now. He's not my boyfriend, we're not in a relationship, we've gone on four dates and have known each for three weeks. Believe me, the sensible part of me knows all this. I just can't help that there's a little part of me that wants him to pay more attention to me!

 

And I'm NOT going to text or call him. He usually initiates anyway. I'm pretty sure he'll text me when he settles down into his next stop — unless my previous text was too y and put him off.

 

I generally do get ahead of myself when dating someone I really like. It's something I'm trying to work on.

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fifregister Enthusiast

fifregister

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Ugh. Can this be fixed? I was going to wait to see if he wrote back, but should I send him an apology text?

 

No. Don't apologize for anything. He might not even have interpreted as such and may not even think about it. And there's nothing to "fix." Don't think what you do or don't will change a person one way or another.

 

Anyway, I'd been on both sides of the table. One or two texts will not change anything and makes the texter appear a little...crazed.

 

Just let it be. When he gets better he'll reach out. Or not, and if he doesn't, you will have moved on!

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missmarple Grand Master

missmarple

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I'm with friend B, not because all his excuses don't sound valid but, simply, because my experience says so. I've dated guys on really tight schedules and on periods when I was the very busy one or sick or whatever. The guys who were really interested in me made the time to see me. I did the same.

So, I wouldn't go as far as friend C but it looks like he's not making much of an effort. I'd let him do all the calling/texting/planning the next date from now on.

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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Well, if I canceled on someone four times in a row and got a terse text, I'd probably feel guilty for disappointing the other person.

 

Getting sick and the blizzard were legitate excuses. And as for meeting between flights...it was a dumb idea to begin with given it is winter. I think you have expectation that are. completely out of line after 3 dates.

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fifregister Enthusiast

fifregister

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OP shouldn't beat herself up over sex. And the generalization that sex early on makes a woman crazed and attached is cliche. It depends on your hopes and expectations for the person and whether they seem to represent the ideal partner or not. Maybe a guy seems really cool and you sleep with him early on, and he turns out to be a cad. Or maybe you wait to sleep with a guy and he still ends up a douche. Or maybe there's no sex "early on" yet he's an amazing person...or not.

 

I've had all kinds of scenarios played out regardless of the timing of the sex. The most important thing is to curb your excitement and realize that only time will allow you to see the situation for what it is. You need to retain emotional control. Having sex or not having sex is a choice you need to make with full awareness of your own emotional susceptibility. If you feel vulnerable, then you need to wait. If you're emotionally resistant, then who gives a s##t.

 

Regardless of the sleeping together part, it just sounds like you need to be patient for him to present himself as either a flake or a keeper.

 

But remember, a good indicator of future behavior is past behavior. I've had a guy flake on me 3 times due to work (reasonably believable; he's an investment banker who works 100+ hrs a week). He reached out to schedule another date and I just faded out. It's not fun (and not conducive to having a serious relationship) with a SUPER busy person.

 

He may have moderate to low interest, or has no time, or is sick, or or or.

 

What you expect is what you expect. Own your feelings but don't let them control you. Don't beat yourself up over it. Control your impulse to reach out because it will explain nothing and help nothing, for now.

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villgirl Apprentice

villgirl

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I'm not beating myself up over the early sex. I have no problem having sex with a guy early on if it feels right. (And by the way, he didn't just "hit it and quit it." We had sex on Date 3 and didn't have it on Date 4, as it was that time of the month. He did sleep over though.)

 

I think I became emotionally attached, so quickly, because of what he said and what he did. He told me on Date 2 that he took down his OKC profile because he had such a great first date with me. He's told me a few times that he really likes me. On Date 4, he told me he missed me —just a few days after Date 3. He's always been the one to initiate texts. In person, he's affectionate and tender. It was easy to feel like this could be A Thing.

 

Even so, I TOTALLY know I got ahead of myself. I tried, very hard, not to be disappointed every time he bailed on me. I told myself over and over, "He's busy, he's sick. He's told you these have been the most stressful two weeks of his life."

 

But it's just HARD, when you like somebody, not to be bummed when you can't see them. Even last night, I knew the whole between-flights thing was unlikely and told my friends that it was a 5 percent chance.

 

Unfortunately, I still had that bit of hope and let that disappointment overflow into snark. I definitely regret it.

 

But having thought it over, I agree that I shouldn't apologize. I'll let it be and see what happens.

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calichick007 Enthusiast

calichick007

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I think you definitely overplayed with the dramatic, "See you around." When you're feeling emotional -- especially in a new dating situation -- try remaining silent until you're sure you can avoid throwing around over-dramatic statements like this that you don't really mean. It's tempting to say this kind of thing in hopes that the person will feel guilty/seek your forgiveness/convince you to reconsider... but if you're dealing with someone who doesn't do a lot of drama early on, they may just take you at your word and keep it moving.

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missmarple Grand Master

missmarple

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I agree re. the see you around thing..however, I've done it, too, in the past. It IS disappointing when 4 dates (or meeting arrangements, anyway) get cancelled. Especially when you've already been on 4 dates with the guy, have slept with him and he took down his profile for you.

The only difference would be that if it had happened to me, I would mean the 'see you around' thing..lol. I'm not patient, admittedly.

Now, if I were in the guy's position, I definitely wouldn't let a comment that obviously came out of disappointment get in the way of my 'relationship' with the other person. Unless I was already looking for a way out.

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Kendahke Apprentice

Kendahke

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He would have been better off saying to you "let's meet up when my schedule eases up on me and I can give you the time so we both can enjoy ourselves". It was unrealistic to try to meet you in between flights.

 

From now on, use your filter before sending out terse texts if you want to develop something with the guy. If you don't, then you've accomplished doing what a message like that will do.

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fifregister Enthusiast

fifregister

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I agree with missmarple. That text is fine, seriously. It's not super doting but I don't see anything super rude about it. Again, don't base the development of dating relationships on what you did/didn't do. Many things are out of your control. The lesson learned here is to minimize actions triggered by temporary feelings. But if you try your best, don't beat yourself up and take things too personally.

 

I've literally told some guys "It's time to move on" and they have stalked me for years. And I played things perfectly with others and still they leave. And there are some relationships that were in between. Dating just sucks because a lot of it you have ZERO control over.

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savignon Collaborator

savignon

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I'm confused about the timeline....were the 4 cancelled dates in a row? Just curious.

Either way, I'd be losing interest at this point. Despite the legitimacy of the issues (weather, travel, sickness), it seems a bit much during such a short period of time.

I agree with Batya that a phonecall apology is much more appropriate than a text, if you even feel one is warranted.

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