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One year after the break up....lessons learned.


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We were together for 6 years. It was truly a beautiful relationship filled with worldly travels, adventure, passion, laughter...but somehow, along the way, towards the last years, we started to lose each other. We were together in one country for 4 years but the last 2 years of our relationship was long distance. We planned to be together in his country after the 2 years of long distance. We actually had a " light at the end of the tunnel "...but as it neared....he changed his mind and left me. I thought we were going to get married and live happily ever after. It didn't happen that way. He broke up with me on January 2, 2013 while we were on vacation. It was a stunning, gorgeous day and I remember crying so much at the beach while he walked away to leave me alone in my tears. I thought it was unreal...to see the beautiful ocean waves rolling towards me, the sun shining brightly, the white sands glistening and yet feel so much sadness. When we got home, we cried for 3 days straight, in each other's arms. We even held onto each other at the airport and when I turned the corner, it was the last time I saw him. He was bawling and thus, a 6-year relationship that everyone thought was beautiful, ended.

 

It's been a year now. We have not had any contact at all. I dealt with the break up like a stealth warrior...alone in my thoughts. In the whole month of January 2013, I cried. By February, I felt such a deep sadness that it bogged me down in my movements and thoughts. By March, I started to force myself to get up and pick up the pieces. By March to November, I focused on my rising career so much that I have achieved what others in my profession would achieve in years. I continue to travel around the world and enjoy myself.

 

But I have learned some very important lessons in this relationship that ended.

 

1. One of the most painful experiences that anyone can go through: When people change and they purposely shut you out as they change.

 

2. With all the complexities that occurred in our relationship, I can now sum it up clearly with one sentence as to why it ended : He just simply didn't love me enough as much as I loved him.

 

3. I am a good and strong woman.

 

4. I have loved...and what a beautiful phenomenon it is. Even though it ended, I will go to my grave, in my old age, KNOWING that I have truly loved. Truly, madly, deeply.

 

5. I have learned to love being alone. I find joy, strength and wisdom in my solitude.

 

6. I am starting to see love as " chapters " or " anthologies " in a book or novel. Each main hero or prince is different in each chapter. You are also a different heroine or princess in these chapters. Each one is a beautiful or ugly story. There is no such thing as " The One ". There are MANY of them...each one, teaching you a very important lesson in life as you age.

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Sadly...

 

Yes, he still pops into my mind everyday.

 

No, I am not at peace with what he has done to me.

 

I am not over him and what he has done to me...but I have stayed complete NC since the day he broke up with me and when I left for the airport. It has been a year and I am starting to slowly find other men attractive again. I am even open to the idea of having another man in my bed. It's been a year of no sex. It has been very hard. But I have done a lot of things for myself : a) Career has boosted beyond belief ( over 6-figures, two promotions ), b) Travel, c) New friends and colleagues, d) Realisation that I am very strong. VERY.

 

The one thing that pops into my mind often is this : Will I meet someone who will be greater than him? Will that person come soon?

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You sure are strong. I wish that I would have been complete NC since day one. I wasn't. I am now.....but oh how I wish I could go back and change the NC. But, must move forward. It's been two years for me, and I am soooooo much better, but he still pops up in my head sometimes and I still hurt over how he did me at times.

 

Wish I was at six figures Good job, girl!

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And do you see your time with him as a waste? Do you regret it? Would you go through everything again today?

 

Not at all. I have learned A LOT and CHANGED A LOT because of that relationship. It was 6 years long...but the first 4 years were great. It was only the last 2 years ( the long distance part ) that really broke us. What did I learn?

 

1. What love truly is. How to deeply, truly love.

 

2. Love is about tailoring your biological, psychological, mental changes that you naturally go through in life...to bring out the best in him and you. In other words, a love relationship is like an intricate dance. There are specific, complex steps and the dancers' instincts that create the beautiful dance. Every relationship will go through trials and tribulations, joys, happiness, inspirations, enlightenment.....but it's up to the instinct of the people in the relationship to guide them through TOGETHER.

 

3. Sadly, there will be many " The One " passing by our lives. There is not just one but many who will come into our lives and teach us something great. I really thought that he was " The One " but this notion of " The One " is simply a fictional, fantastical idea propagated by Hollywood or fairy tale books that we have been bombarded with from the start. I truly, deeply, madly love(d) him. I really did. I ALSO believed that we were going to get through the hurdles and we would find each other again...but that didn't happen. So now, I am more convinced that although he was something phenomenal in my life, there will be another one who will teach me other great lessons. These men ( I will call them " The Ones " ) will come at different points in my life, teaching me something great or leading me to wonderful changes.

 

4. I also learned that I am a very good woman. I never thought entirely before as I was the one who always broke the men's hearts and did wrong by them. But with this one...I did everything right. I never strayed. I truly loved him. I truly tried to bring him out of the darkness that he experienced. I did everything to carry the both of us. Thus, the whole experience taught me wonderful things about myself : Strength and wisdom.

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You sure are strong. I wish that I would have been complete NC since day one. I wasn't. I am now.....but oh how I wish I could go back and change the NC. But, must move forward. It's been two years for me, and I am soooooo much better, but he still pops up in my head sometimes and I still hurt over how he did me at times.

 

Wish I was at six figures Good job, girl!

 

Yes, I have always been a huge proponent of NC. Always. I learned when I was 17 years old from my first horrible real break up with my first love. I was only 17 then. I am 34 now. I went through a hellish break up with my first love and that hellish period lasted for several years. By the time I was 21, I had learned how to behave after a break up and NC was the best option. It was NC that led me to indifference or being over him. Anyway, after that, I have broken up with all the men. But this one, this recent ex of mine ( the one I truly love ), I went complete NC after he dumped me. No calls, nothing. He saw what I was doing on Facebook but I never talked to him again. Never.

 

I didn't even check his Facebook.

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I relate to your definition of love.

 

Did he ever tried to contact you? Would you break NC if he wanted to talk to you and maybe you could get some of those unanswered questions you posted in the other thread?

 

You really know nothing about him, about his life, whatsoever?

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I don't know if this will help but i'm going to try..can you remember how you felt before the relationship? What kind of hopes and what kind of expectations you had back then?

What I think allows a lot of people to freely love is to be accepting and to have realistic expectations of what a relationship can be.

Realistically you will never meet someone again as him, the chapters in the book analogy was excellent no two chapters will be the same as that would make a story uninteresting.

There's a nice quote that pretty much applies to any situation 'Comparison is the thief of joy'. Would you really want another guy exactly as your other guy? It wouldn't be nice constantly getting flashbacks from a previous relationship if your next one was similar. You've learned so much from that experience that you'll know when something feels right with someone and then the rest should follow.

You're on the right track and a strong woman and what you have written about is really admirable. I can't even begin to imagine how hard and difficult that must have been and how it still is difficult.

 

The thing you said that you have learned of love really tugged on my heart, thank you

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Wow, thanks for telling us your experience... !

I broke up with my boyfriend recently. We really loved each other deeply..! Memories of our relationship is very sweet and wonderful.. We only had each other for comfort and emotional support. I've been in so much pain since we broke up because I lost my lover and a best friend in the whole world..

 

But reading this reminded me that the relationship made me become a better person and that I've experienced a love that was truly beautiful and meaningful..! Also, I should be glad that someone loved me so deeply and I deeply loved that person back.

Despite so much pain at this moment, I honestly don't regret that he and I were together. I'm praying for his happiness and hope he finds someone wonderful who will love him with all her heart..!

Thanks for telling us your experience! Reading these posts help me go through the day.

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