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Is my boyfriend too close with his female friend??


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They met at work about 2 months ago.Ive met her twice and she's pretty flirtatious (my boyfriend is too...). They poke eachother and kick eahother for giggles. Every week they hang out once or twice. Usually they go to a bar. Once she picked him up and they just drove around for 2 hours talking. Another time he almost left me alone at his house to go take a coffee with her, but canceled when he saw how upset I was (I try to hide my feelings, and never talk about her or how it bothers me. But it shows on my face..). The previous day he texted her for 2 hours straight while I was with him.

 

Last night I called him to wish him goodnight and just as I had suspected, he was with her. They took a 1 hour car trip to go visit her friend out of town. This REALLY confused me. It's such a random, strange outing. When he noticed I was upset, he said "i love you so much. I really wish you were here with me, baby. I miss you." I just politely wished him goodnight and hung up. I spent most of my night crying and ill to the stomach. I find that to be an EXTREMELY strange outing. And his words afterwards just made me feel worst. Please please please help me. Is this okay? Should I talk to him?

 

P.S: He invites me on almost all their outings but I refuse because the thought of her literally makes me stomach sick. And I cant STAND to see them poke eachother and tickle eachother. Also, we've been together for 6 months and never fight. Both in our twenties.

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You said that you never talk about her or how much it bothers you, so I think your first step is to change that. You need to tell him how you feel, otherwise he will probably go on thinking that you are totally okay with their hangouts. Everyone has different expectations for a relationship, but I personally would not be okay with this kind of behavior from my SO. If you are interested in keeping the relationship, I would talk to him about it and see how he reacts. If he is understanding and cuts off contact with her immediately, great. If not, then you'll need to make some serious decisions about your relationship.

 

Good luck!

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Girl, you'd better join him on his outings with her if you dont' want him to end up with her. If he's driving, you sit in the front seat and make her ride in the back.

 

You don't need to be her friend; you need to keep an eye on your investment.

 

And don't sit so far away that she can poke him or tickle him.

 

And you need to have a serious talk with him about how you feel about what he's doing--and ask him if you'd met a guy and became insta-friends with him and did with him what he's doing with her, would he tolerate it? He is allowing her too far up into his life--but then again, you haven't been with him all that long, either--4 months before he met her. Had you two had any talk about how the other was expected to behave with friends of the opposite sex?

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Sounds like your boyfriend has started dating a new girl..

 

Things have gone too far. It's time for a come to Jesus talk. Tell him the way he's interacting with this girl is uncomfortable to you. Honestly, I am not okay with my guy having long talks with other girls, unless they were friends prior to our relationship! 1 hour, 2 hours? That is intimate conversation and he should be investing emotionally in your relationship, not "friendship" with some other girl!

 

Tell him you don't like her touching him, the inside jokes, and extensive time alone. It makes you feel like a third wheel in your own relationship. It's not cool and if he doesn't dial it back you don't think things will work out between you two. Though, you have to be willing to walk away because a partner who knows their value will not stand for feeling mistreated. If he feels he can just tell you what you want to hear and keep doing things with this girl then this talk accomplishes nothing.

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As already been said you have let this go way too far for too long. You are playing it too cool and friend zoning yourself right out of your relationship. Female friends are fine, but there have to be boundaries and you need to speak up about that. Talk to him and let him know that touching, tickling, etc. is out. Basically, it sounds like you are coming off like a passive wallflower while the other girl is demanding his attention and providing entertainment. As already pointed out, she is acting more like a gf and you are more like a friend in the background. You need to speak up and also step up going forward or you will lose him as he bonds more and more with her. You do need to start going out with them and being more of a gf.

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Let me give you the most likely scenario here. He is very interested in her, and perhaps she is not willing to date him for whatever reason so he is 'working on her' and substituting these outings with her for real dates. Or he may not yet be sure whether he likes you or her better, and will try her on for size for a while before he makes the decision to dump you.

 

So I would have a very strong talk with him, where you tell him that it feels like he is essentially dating her at this point on your time. And if he wants to date her, then he doesn't get to date you, so he either ramps this friendship back to a more normal 'friend from work' situation or you'll walk. If he lets you walk and doesn't agree to ramp back on the time he spends with her and the attention he gives her, then he really is interested in her and will dump you eventually regardless.

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I would not bother having a talk with him. You have only been together 6 months and he is already lining up a plan B. If hes not cheating on you already-he will be soon. Just break up with him and find a guy who doesn't disrespect you or your relationship this way.

 

They are not "friends". They are dating

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Sounds really off here! I'd walk away from him and his flirtiness with this other woman... sounds ridiculous!

 

He seems to have no care in the world about YOU, acting out this way and very selfish. I wouldn't take that

for long. He seems to be around her way too much!

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Even if there's no romance going on he is behaving inappropriately because he's going out alone with a woman who is attracted to him and doing date-like activities. Also -put very nicely -please grow a backbone -if he is texting someone else, especially this woman -while he is with you for 2 hours and it's not an emergency then you obviously have better things to do - give him one polite warning and then bye bye. As far as this woman -tell him one more time that you are not comfortable with how he is interacting with her and how often and that if he wants to continue the friendship with her then it will be only if it's the 3 of you going out together (or she can bring a date). And that if you feel that she's not being supportive of your relationship then she's not a real friend to him.

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This, this, this.

 

My husband had a co-worker who was very... let's just say needy.

 

But - he was VERY transparent about her, made sure he didn't meet her anywhere but had her come over while I was home, and avoided as much contact outside of work as possible. She had made her feelings known she would like a shot, and he told her it was NOT happening.

 

And overall, that's how your bf should have handled this. Ignoring you for 2 hours while texting her? I wouldn't tolerate that from a FRIEND I was supposed to be spending time with. That's just rude. That's like the friend you meet for lunch who spends the time texting her bf. Rude, rude, rude. It doesn't take much - "sry with gf atm l8r" to get the point accross that you're not available for chatting, and your gf is a priority.

 

You guys are young - so allowances for not knowing better can be made. However, that's when you have to grow that spine and draw definite boundaries between "acceptable" and "NOT acceptable." By backing off and supporting, tacitly, his "dates" with this girl, you're basically supporting him cheating on you emotionally while he's with you.

 

Draw your lines. Talk to him. Go on those outings so they can't be construed as "dates." Make your place and position well known, and don't be afraid to say when something makes you uneasy.

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The fact that he's doing this right under your nose begs the question, what's the point of confronting him after he's already shown what little respect/loyalty he has regarding your relationship. It's not your job to have to "police him," it's his job as an adult to see where this is crossing the line. His failure to see this would make me question where this relationship is headed.

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(I try to hide my feelings, and never talk about her or how it bothers me. But it shows on my face..).

 

 

Yep. I can TOTALLY relate to that, it's really annoying as well when they read you like a book and you just want to put a mask on.

 

 

However, YES he is way too close to this woman. Don't accept it. I just feel forceful (as well as hypocritical) in telling you not to accept this. It's not fair on you to make you feel like rubbish and then come back with: "i love you so much. I really wish you were here with me, baby. I miss you."

 

That happened to me. And it use to work and I use to say to myself "aww he does love me, maybe I'm over thinking this". Don't be like me, it was so hard to see reality.

 

I would totally confront him about this. It's unacceptable and you deserve better. And yes I use to get invited out to their little meet ups but like you I felt sick to the stomach. I really did. However .... it was pointed out to me that maybe I should have gone on these outings to stop my brain from over thinking. Maybe you'll be better than me and do it and see for yourself what the situation is. But if you don't, I wouldn't blame you.

 

 

Good luck sweetheart, I hope you get this sorted xxxx

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Have you ever heard the expression "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? This is the perfect example of this type of situation. In NO way should you have been sitting at home while he galavants around town with some girl he just met. No way! In my opinion, either you should have been there too or he should not have been going.

 

It's also perfectly OK to say "Hey - I don't like all the poking and tickling - can you please back off of that? I find it disrespectful to our relationship". That is a normal and healthy boundary.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you are too afraid to stand up for yourself for fear of losing him... but this is one of those situations where NOT standing up for yourself will equally put you at risk of losing him.

 

To be clear - I am personally OK with clearly platonic long-term opposite-sex friendships. BUT - friendships have healthy boundaries. Giggling, poking, tickling, chatting for hours, galavanting around town together alone, etc. with someone you just met? -> those are not "normal" friendship boundaries.

 

Time to stand up for yourself...

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I would not bother having a talk with him. You have only been together 6 months and he is already lining up a plan B. If hes not cheating on you already-he will be soon. Just break up with him and find a guy who doesn't disrespect you or your relationship this way.

 

They are not "friends". They are dating

Agreed. What a joke. You should never allow someone to treat you his way. He's an insecure loser. Why bother confronting him? He knows exactly what he's doing and his actions show you exactly what he hinks of you.

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While I think that he has definitely crossed a line with this friendship, I would urge the benefit of the doubt for those who have already said he is being deliberately disrespectful or that he definitely IS cheating.

 

OP, your boyfriend cannot respond to problems if you don't tell him they exist. You guys are in your 20s and for a lot of people, that means figuring out where those boundary lines are and what makes a person uncomfortable.

 

My husband has a friend at work who was giving him rides home a lot. At first I was a little concerned as to why she would go out of her way to drive him home (we live outside the city by about 30 minutes so it's not a short drive). I asked him about it and he reassured me that it was nothing. I later met her, and they interacted with each other much the same way - poking, teasing, throwing elastic bands at one another, etc. That said, I have also met her husband, been to their house for thanksgiving and interacted with her on a personal level. I know with 100% certainty that she has no interest in my husband and that he has zero interest in her.

 

You have not told you boyfriend how his flirtation bothers you. You haven't told him that the constant hang outs and texts bother you. You haven't mentioned any of it, so how is he supposed to know. It might seem obvious to some, but it really depends on the situation and people involved. I would be perfectly fine with my husband hanging out with his work friend because we have talked about it and set boundaries.

 

And this is what is key. Personal boundaries are going to be different for everybody. Telling him to cut off contact or else is only going to make YOU look like the jealous controlling girlfriend and give the other girl the upper hand (if indeed she is interested in him). Rather, you need to have a talk and tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel and how you want him to change the way he interacts with her.

 

For example: It's OK if they hang out in a group like or casual scenario, but not a "date like" scenario (no going to dinner together, nights out alone at the bar, trips out of town, etc.) These are reasonable requests that, if talked out calmly will not come off as controlling or jealous, but rather defining the areas of the relationship that are solely "yours". Tell him that the physical interaction between them feels inappropriate and that is why you have refrained from joining them on their hang outs but if he were to tone that down, it would make you much more comfortable and willing to get to know her.

 

Also, you mentioned that each time they have hung out he has invited you to go along? If so, you need to start taking him up on this. If he is willing to tone down the physical flirtation, then you need to be willing to try to give her a chance. This will serve two purposes. It will show you are willing to compromise and not stand between him and his friendship, but it will also put a permanent barrier between him and the friend in case she has other ideas. A constant reminder that you are there, so to speak.

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Based upon your Post: I'd say that they're a little too close, however; I feel that if you continue to allow this then you're settling for this to occur because he shouldn't be hanging out with her more than you.

 

Also, if the 2 of them are doing this in your face then what does that tell you?

 

How does she treat you?

 

Does she make an effort to chat and invite you to join them if/when they hang out?

 

Does she have a Boyfriend?

 

A tone of things are running through my head right now but only you can answer them.

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Based upon your Post: I'd say that they're a little too close, however; they were that way when you met them so I feel that you settled for this from the beginning.

 

Also, if the 2 of them are doing this in your face then what does that tell you?

 

How does she treat you?

 

Does she make an effort to chat and invite you to join them if/when they hang out?

 

Does she have a Boyfriend?

 

A tone of things are running through my head right now but only you can answer them.

 

The OP says they have been dating for 6 months, but he just met his new gf 2 months ago, so this is not a case of some existing relationship that she's been tolerating since the beginning.

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I recently went through something like this. And for me, i did what everyone is telling you to do. I confronted him about it an told him problems with the friendship. For me it backfired, he said i was jealous and insecure. But the difference is, he didnt invite me on his outings. I do agree that you need to talk to him, but dont beat a dead horse, say your peace once, and see what he does next. for men, actions speak louder than words. Good luck!

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Yes, if you are both young, he may not 'know better' if he's not really interested in her but she's flattering him and pursuing him. Or he's afraid to say no because they work together and he doesn't want to offend her by not responding or telling her to back off.

 

So talk to him first about establishing appropriate boundaries. He can handle this by not responding to her texts when he's off work or at home, and not agreeing to see her except in the context of when other people from work are together with them at work related social gatherings.

 

So it could be he doesn't know how to handle this. Or he could be interested in her. So give it a shot and see if he responds and does establish a boundary to cut her off. If he does, good, lesson learned, but if not, then you move on.

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i have been through this exact same thing. i'll tell you how i handled it, and then i'll tell you how i WISHED i'd handled it.

 

how i handled it;

 

i was eaten up with jealousy.i was seething, started checking his phone, told him i was very uncomfortable with this and he needed to stop seeing her. he then accused me of not letting him have friends, being controlling. we started arguing all the time.i felt sick to my stomach every time he met up with her. we broke up. a few weeks later he was in a relationship with her.

 

how i wish i'd handled it.

 

with a bit more control then i did!

at the beginning i would just observe whats going on. then when it gets to THIS poin,t where you are at OP, I would have a conversation that goes like this.

''i enjoy being in a relationship with you, but right now whats going on is not working for me. i don't like where this is heading and i won't stand by while its happening. so now that you can see how how uncomfortable this is making me, so you need to make a choice about what you are going to''.

 

Then once again sit back and observe. at that point i would not have any conversations about that situation. if he saw her outside of work again, it'd be over.

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You should tell him it makes you uncomfortable. If he really cares about you he'll stop.

If he doesn't care that much, he'll take her side. In this case you don't want to be with him anyway.

 

I recently went through something similar, however, a LOT less. I confronted him, he stopped immediately. He told me there's no way he was attracted to her and that he didn't want to be rude to her that's why he was keeping all the contact.

 

This was in the very beginning of our relationship.. 1st and 2nd month of dating. Now 4 months has passed and I've never heard of her anymore.

 

 

Good luck.

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Thanks so much for all the replies, guys (:

 

I took initiative and talked to him this morning. I told him he could still be friends with her since I know he doesnt have many, BUT he had to follow my rules. I told him I thought they were too close and it was being disrespectful to me. I told him the physical stuff had to STOP COMPLETELY, the texting had to be brought down to the very minimum AND no outings with her unless I was present or the girl's boyfriend was present, and especially NO MORE going out of town with her. I kept it very polite and respectful and never made him feel bad. He agreed and apologised that he had made me feel disrespected. He even told me that Andrea* told him she has had complaints from her other male friends' girlfriends because of her flirtatious behaviour. She doesnt seem to understand that you can't act a certain way with people who are in a relationship..

 

But anyway, he seemed sincere when he told me he'd be careful from now on and I really hope he keeps his word. He has in the past so I'm pretty confident (:

 

Thanks again. Without all your help I probably would never have spoken to him about it.

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