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Firsty, I would like to apologise for the long post. I have tried to condense it down, but without much success.

 

I seem to have found myself in a "situation" and I'm not entirely sure what I should do about it. At this point I am interested to know what anyone else would do if they were in my shoes ... or even if anyone has been in a similar situation.

 

Quick rundown of previous relationship: I was with my ex for 3 years. I loved him immensely. However, the whole of our last year together was overshadowed with the reality that our relationship had to end. Our age gap was too big to overcome and it was evident that we were on two separate life journeys. Finally we ended our relationship but we clung on for far too long afterwards and even though our relationship ended over 10 months ago now, it was only really just over 3 months ago that we finally broke all contact.

 

Nevertheless, despite not properly letting go, I was still focused on moving on. I am in a good place - mostly happy but with this sad cloud still floating around above me. I guess you could say I remain "in love" with my ex - or, at least, it feels that way. With so much distance (time-wise) between us, emotions become obscured and I am not sure what the reality is. Whatever, I haven't wanted or felt ready to date others and I most certainly didn't feel ready for another relationship. I was OK with that.

 

It might be worth adding that I have previously been married and am now divorced with 3 children.

 

The situation now: A couple of weeks before Christmas I went out with a friend to celebrate her sister's birthday. There was this guy there - a friend of her sister's. I wasn't aware at first that he had even noticed me, much less was attracted to me. However, as the night wore on and we got talking, it became obvious that he liked me. For the first time since splitting up with my ex, I wasn't "put off" by another guy chatting me up. I was enjoying his company and I was enjoying his attention. By the end of the evening we had kissed and swapped numbers.

 

The next day he started texting me. At that point I thought it was only fair to tell him EXACTLY where I was emotionally and that, as much as I enjoyed his company and wouldn't mind meeting up with him again, I was not ready for a relationship and, in fact, I wasn't sure what I was ready for. He seemed to be OK with that, saying that he was in a similar situation himself ... and that we could be friends first, helping each other to move on and have fun in the meantime, and that we can just see where things go - no pressure. It seemed like the perfect solution for both of us and we quickly fell into a pattern of seeing each other. I have continued to be honest with him as regards not being ready for a relationship. I have even told him that my ex was still very much in my heart and I can make no promises as it was become increasingly evident that he WAS ready for an exclusive relationship. However, despite saying in one breath that he understands and that he is happy to take things slowly, in the next breath he will say he thinks I am special and sees a fantastic future for us. Today he said I am all that he has ever wanted.

 

The truth of the matter is he ISN'T everything I have ever wanted. I am enjoying his company. I look forward to see him ... but this isn't "IT". It is nice to feel wanted, it is nice to feel a man's arms around me again, it is nice to actually want to be in someone's company without feeling "repulsed" by the thought of another man touching me ... but I don't see a future with him ... not because we have only been together a short time ... more so because I know that whatever I am feeling now isn't going to develop into anything more.

 

I thought this was part of moving on. I thought we were just helping each other. I thought we were just in the "here and now". I thought we were just going to have fun .... now I have realised that he wants a whole lot more than I can give and I really don't know what I should do.

 

I really don't mind continuing to see him but I realise we have fallen into a "relationship" and, taking into consideration how he seems to feel, I am likely going to hurt him. If I try to bring it up, he brushes it off saying he is happy to take things slowly and "wait" for me. However the assumption there is that I am going to catch up with him emotionally and I am not sure I ever will.

 

Basically he will listen and agree with what I am saying but, more often than not, his subsequent words don't match that sentiment. I am feeling incredibly guilty - as though I am leading him on - but I am not sure what more I can do or say to slow things down. I am enjoying his company and I don't want to necessarily stop seeing him but, at this moment in time, I do not see a definite future and, as I said before, it is unlikely I ever will ... but who really knows? I just can't look that far ahead at the moment. Am I wrong to want to continue seeing him when I can't promise him more? Am I wrong to just want to have some fun (as it was meant to be) without commitment?

 

I am now becoming confused with what I want and what he should be able to expect from me.

 

I am interested to hear anyone's thoughts, opinions or personal experiences.

 

Thank you

 

Blue x

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this a tricky situation indeed... i know you would like to keep seeing him but if you dont think you will ever want to commit to him i think you should end things now. i mean he is only getting deeper and more involved and whether you end it now or later he is goin to get hurt but you are probably feeling a tiny bit of guilt because your relationship, or whatever you like to call it, is onesided and its not nice to feel guilty. you have said how you feel but he keeps saying he will wait for you to feel differently... have you ever told him that you may never feel differently?

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hmmm i think at this point, its best to end it....for his sake. he really likes you and its growing everyday. it WILL continue to grow. as far as he is concerned actions speak louder then words. you are TELLING him that you want to go slow, yet the ACTION shows that you are now acting like boyfriend and girlfriend so he 's happy.

 

my friend had a similar situation. he had gotten out of a long term relationship that had really hurt him. he started playing the field and met one very nice girl.

it was supposed to be a casual, fun thing but he could see that she was developing feelings for him. he decided not to see her anymore and he told her why (that he was not ready for anything serious, still getting over the ex).

she said she didn't need anything serious either, she was quite happy with their casual arrangement.

but he knew, the way you just know, when someone really likes you-so he ended it on good terms.

they continued to be friends but nothing intimate ever happened again. the friendship was sporadic and easy. they would meet up maybe once every 2 months or so, nothing heavy.

after about a year or so he started to REALLY like her. at this point he was over the ex and started to really respect and see the great side of this girl . he told her so. they got together and have been together now for 2 years! they are really happy.

 

and my own situation

 

i got with a guy who was a lot younger then me. i knew from day one that i didn't want anything serious. even though i really liked him i could tell this wasnt IT. he was totally cool with that, was all about just enjoying ourselves NOW.

but i stayed with him.... his feelings grew, mine grew too. but still i KNEW it wasn't right.

when feeling grow, things get emotional. i finally ended it after 6 months, and it was a horrible break up that he refused to accept for a very long time. i kick myself that i let it develop, i feel like i should have known better.

up

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You make a very good point louise. I haven't told him that I may never feel differently. Just that I can't make any promises. I did say to him that I'm not sure I can offer him anything .... but he says he just enjoys being with me and that if I enjoy being with him too then that is all that matters.

 

When ge says that I feel better - as if we are on the same page - and I also agree with that but then he will eventually follow that up by saying, for example, he can imagine us growing old together! When he says things like that I don't initially know what to say back. Eventually I will repeat all that I have said before and we end up going around in the same cycle of words again.

 

Part of me would be happy to carry on seeing him but not at the expense of his emotional well-being. I'm just a bit confused as to what he is really expecting from me.

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hiya bluey

 

he has fallen into the trap of kidding himself that you will eventually return the sentiment I guess ...people do it all the time , continue on in the hope that the other person will feel the same at some point ....and certainly from his side of the fence I understand why he is hoping , you enjoy each other , there are no problems , it is ticking along nicely so for him , you can see why he says he will "wait"

 

You have been very honest bluey , but , there is a flaw in you OP because you say

 

The truth of the matter is he ISN'T everything I have ever wanted. I am enjoying his company. I look forward to see him ... but this isn't "IT".

 

 

then you say

 

I do not see a definite future and, as I said before, it is unlikely I ever will ... but who really knows?

 

which does kind of clarify that this is very confusing for you ..you sound 90% sure but that dwindling 10% of maybe it could go somewhere .

 

maybe if he hadn't started to express all this you may have reached a place of decision on your own , now you are being pushed I guess because his cards are getting laid on the table , your a decent woman , pretty sure he isn't the "one" and can't find it in yourself to hurt this man ...total respect for that bluey honestly ...I think you are been so fair and honest .

 

I guess it is a case of even if you do now sit him down and blunty tell him this aint going anywhere he is still going to be thinking he will wait for you to turn around on this ....and to some extent that is indeed up to him ..he is responsible as well to protect himself . Once you have offered honesty , it is up to each of us to deal with it how we choose .

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It does make me wonder though ... whilst they remained friends, was she always hanging onto hope for more ... and hurting in the process?

 

Still it ended well so I guess that doesn't matter in any case!

 

As regards your situation ... it sounds similar to my previous relationship. The one I am still trying to move on from. It was something we shouldn't have entered into but from the moment we met our connection was strong so against our better judgement we hurtled into a relationship we should have otherwise walked away from. The end was painful for us both.

 

But herein lies the problem ... every relationship I've had since my divorce has been wrong for one reason or another. Instead of being sensible I've chosen to enter into relationships that haven't really had strong foundations in the first place.

 

There is a part of me that thinks maybe I have been doing it wrong and maybe "developing slowly" with someone is the way to do it.

 

Maybe I wouldn't feel quite so negative if we were going at the same pace.

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It does make me wonder though ... whilst they remained friends, was she always hanging onto hope for more ... and hurting in the process?

 

 

.. every relationship I've had since my divorce has been wrong for one reason or another. Instead of being sensible I've chosen to enter into relationships that haven't really had strong foundations in the first place.

 

 

 

its quite possible that she was.... albeit in a very easygoing accepting way.

 

you say - since you're divorce you've chosen to enter into relationships that were wrong for one reason or another.

but isn't that exactly what you are doing now? you know its highly unlikely that you'll ever feel THAT way about him.... yet you're still there.

i understand that its hard to let go of the companionship and the fun, i would be reluctant too. but from the outside looking in its sure looks like you're walking into another ambiguous relationship.

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Hi star!

 

I do feel a confused. Partly due to what I said in my previous post about hurtling into relationships for the wrong reason without giving them time to develop slowly and partly because I know what it feels like to have those butterflies in your stomach when someone excites you and, if that isn't there initially, then can they ever be there?

 

I don't want to hurt him. If I stop seeing him now, he hasn't known me long enough for this to tear him up for months to come but if I continue to see him then, yes, I realise I could well hurt him and I don't want that.

 

He isn't "the one" star. It's just that when we set out I didn't think he was trying to be.

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I think you're going to have to wean yourself off of seeing him because the more time he spends in your company, the more his expectations that you should be catching up to how he feels will become evident. He may be saying what he thinks he needs to say in order to get what he wants, but he's also not listening to you.... or he may not want to hear what you're saying because he wants what he wants.

 

If you definitely do not see a future with him, then stop seeing him. Stop giving him false hope that he can persuade you into something you're adamant about not entering into.

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its quite possible that she was.... albeit in a very easygoing accepting way.

 

you say - since you're divorce you've chosen to enter into relationships that were wrong for one reason or another.

but isn't that exactly what you are doing now? you know its highly unlikely that you'll ever feel THAT way about him.... yet you're still there.

i understand that its hard to let go of the companionship and the fun, i would be reluctant too. but from the outside looking in its sure looks like you're walking into another ambiguous relationship.

 

You're right. Maybe I am making excuses because I like the companionship.

 

I thought that maybe - just maybe - heading into something slowly but surely, instead of hurtling blindly into something that should never be in the first place is something that actually ends up having more staying power.

 

That said, if I were feeling the same as what he seems to be feeling, there would be nothing stopping this from going full speed ahead either. I am the only one going into this slowly.

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Hi star!

 

I do feel a confused. Partly due to what I said in my previous post about hurtling into relationships for the wrong reason without giving them time to develop slowly and partly because I know what it feels like to have those butterflies in your stomach when someone excites you and, if that isn't there initially, then can they ever be there?

 

I don't want to hurt him. If I stop seeing him now, he hasn't known me long enough for this to tear him up for months to come but if I continue to see him then, yes, I realise I could well hurt him and I don't want that.

 

He isn't "the one" star. It's just that when we set out I didn't think he was trying to be.

 

it is shame isn't it .. a shame you couldn't BOTH just enjoy this for what it is instead of for what it could be , and that is on his head .

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I think you're going to have to wean yourself off of seeing him

 

If you definitely do not see a future with him, then stop seeing him. Stop giving him false hope that he can persuade you into something you're adamant about not entering into.

 

Wean myself off of seeing him? That certainly seems a nicer way of doing things. We know the same people which makes cutting him off kind of hard. I need to start putting more distance between us I guess.

 

Here's the thing though, he actually said to me that if all I wanted was sex, then he would most certainly be happily with that. "Use me" he said ... albeit flippantly ... but I know he also meant it.

 

I really wasn't my intention to give him any false hope.

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it is shame isn't it .. a shame you couldn't BOTH just enjoy this for what it is instead of for what it could be , and that is on his head .

 

Yes it is. I thought it was meant to help us both elevate ourselves into the world of dating and moving on etc - because before he came along I had no intentions of being with anybody in any form. Now I feel that he has helped cut that final string that was attaching me to my ex.

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Sometimes, that's all a new involvement is meant to do in one's life.

 

When I look back on past relationships I justify their existence, especially those that left a bitter taste in my mouth (for want of a better phrase!), by seeing each and everyone as happening for a specific reason. I quite agree with you and I do believe that is the purpose of this "relationship" . I don't think he does however, despite what he says otherwise.

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When I look back on past relationships I justify their existence, especially those that left a bitter taste in my mouth (for want of a better phrase!), by seeing each and everyone as happening for a specific reason. I quite agree with you and I do believe that is the purpose of this "relationship" . I don't think he does however, despite what he says otherwise.

 

He probably doesn't see it now. I know that NOW I can see why all my relationships have happened, as terrible as some of them might have been. At the time, and right after, though I certainly couldn't see the purpose of the experience. At the end of the day you need to do what you think is right for you. If you don't think it's going to work out then as much as it might suck for him now it's better to end it.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, you couldn't have known how his feelings would develop, these things unfold on their own.

 

PS: Glad I'm not the only one who has made wrong relationship choices since a divorce, live seems to have a steep learning curve sometimes

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Don't be too hard on yourself, you couldn't have known how his feelings would develop, these things unfold on their own.

 

Thanks Tinkie!

 

I feel awful right now. The more he seems to become involved, the less I want to.

 

I saw him at the weekend. I went out with friends on Friday night and I had the opportunity to go out again with them on Saturday. We had mentioned seeing each other and when I spoke to him about the possibility of going out again on Saturday night I could hear the disappointment in his voice. I felt so awful letting him down so I backed tracked and we saw each other instead. It is crazy, I know, because the longer this goes on for, the more I am going to let him down in an even bigger way. I realise I am making the situation worse, not better.

 

He called me "his girl" on Friday. It makes me wonder what goes through his head as he is says these things, bearing in mind all that I have said. It kinda frustrates me that, despite agreeing with me, he hasn't actually heard a word I have said.

 

He was also talking about Valentines Day … what he has bought me, where he is taking me etc. Oh boy, I feel sooooo awful because all I can think about is whether or not my ex will send me anything on Valentines Day (I know he won't, but those crazy thoughts are there regardless).

 

I'm not a horrible person. I have not set out to hurt him. I will hurt him though … and I will feel like a horrible person.

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So, I wanted to quote the situation of another guy who sounds like the guy you are seeing ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The point with the above is that no matter how much you try to tell someone that you are not ready, if you keep seeing them/going out with them, guys like this are going to have hope that this means if they hang around eventually you will be ready. We couldn't talk him out of it.

 

A-little-blue, I hope you don't mind me mentioning that past relationship with that other guy. I recall being apart of one of the chorus telling you to end it for a long long time. Sorry to bring up old wounds but I am wondering if you have a pattern of putting off ending relationships/entanglements that you know are not right for you. Just something for you to think about.

 

In the meantime, I think in many ways this is the very definition of a rebound. You aren't fully mentally clear from the last relationship. You enjoy romantic company. You just want to enjoy the here and now. Then it becomes apparent you are not on the same page and the other person ends up very hurt. (And a lot of them end up here on ena, not able to see that the love was one-sided).

 

My recommendation would be to sit him down and tell him you are not interested in this any longer and be honest. Tell him that you don't see a future with him and it would be better for you to heal on your own. Let him know you don't want him to hold out false hope that once you heal you will get together and that the best you can offer is friendship.

 

Honesty. Gentle but clear. Good luck.

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Hi Ms Darcy. Thank you for your input.

 

If I am honest I thought we were both mature enough to understand the situation fully, especially when he said he was in the same situation. However, having dug a little deeper I have since found out that he was the one to end his previous relationship … and it seems he couldn't get away quick enough. He also once told me (when I was trying to be honest about my ex) that his ex would always hold a place in his heart but hearing him speak about her now, I realise he has nothing but contempt for her. There are lots of things that he now says that contradict what he has previously said. I do actually feel kind of duped. Still, maybe I should have realised all this in the beginning as he was very eager to say something that would offer validation to our relationship/situation or indicated that we were on the same page as each other.

 

As for being a rebound, well, I did question whether it could be as such but as my relationship had ended 9 months previously I argued with myself that it really was time to let go of the past and start making valiant attempts in moving forwards … and who better to do it with than someone who was supposedly doing the same. However the reality is that up until 3 months ago we were still hanging on to each other so those first seven months can almost be crossed out as being a time in which I was "moving on" - though I was of sorts. Physically (or pro-actively) I was, but NOT emotionally.

 

I don't mind you bringing up my past relationships. Perhaps that is what I need - though I do wonder which relationship you are referring to. Plenty of people said that my previous relationship was unlikely to last because of the age gap but I wasn't aware that anyone told me to end it. (Maybe it was the relationship prior to that which was a disaster waiting to happen). I wouldn't turn back the clock and change anything. My ex brought so much to mine and my children's lives … and we continued to love each other right up until the point we knew it had to end, 3 years after it started. Hence the reason why it has taken a long time to get over the relationship … and why speaking about it now has made me realise that I wasn't really ready for this.

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If he does not see a future with you, then I think you know what you need to do. I know it will be very hard and I would suggest cutting off contact with him for a long while.

 

I went back to see what I said concerning your age gap relationship/most recent break up. I can see how this can be interpreted otherwise, but I meant this as "break up."

 

Alas, I would advise you to end this thing with this guy asap.

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I went back to see what I said concerning your age gap relationship/most recent break up. I can see how this can be interpreted otherwise, but I meant this as "break up."

 

Alas, I would advise you to end this thing with this guy asap.

 

Ah OK. I'm with you. I was going to look too but there's a reason I don't look over my old threads

 

I had forgotten I had posted a more "recent" one. It was actually the fact that he could no longer see a future for us (due to the realisation that he DID want children in the future) that lead to me ending the relationship. He still maintained that he didn't want to break up and was hoping for some kind of "miracle" outcome and just needed to be open and honest with me. Ending it was one of the hardest things I have had to do … and it is still hard to accept sometimes.

 

Whichever way I look at my current situation, I am not ready to be in it.

 

Thank you for your response.

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