Am I in an abusive relationship?

[peardrop]

Have been in this relationship for 13 years. We have one daughter, who is 12. Don't know what to do anymore. Things have never been easy with my partner, when I met him he had a lot of problems which I helped him through. He also was still seeing his ex on and off for the first 5 years of our relationship. I have now put this in the past.

Anyway, he has always been quite bossy and huffy, but he goes in episodes where it can be better for a week or two and then really bad. He works a lot and when he isn't working, he shuts himself off, wither working away in his garage or in the bedroom watching tv or at his friends house. He never, ever sits with us or makes conversation. It's always been this way.

I have been ill for years and this year have been really bad with chronic anxiety/depression. I just feel like he is really nasty towards me, as though he hates me or resents me or something, we have split up a few times in the past. He always has a right attitude towards me and puts me down. I feel like I can never do anything right in his eyes. He keeps charge of the money and gives me an allowance each day, because he says I can't be trusted - I don't know how - all I buy is food and pay bills, petrol etc. I never spend a penny on myself. Even compliments from him are usually backhanded. He slags me off because I can't work etc and always goes on about how he earns all the money. He seems to find fault with everything I do and says I'm useless and he just nags at me all the time. He even caused a row and an atmosphere at christmas, and made snide comments about his presents.

He helps round the house a bit and can so nice sometimes. He goes out drinking with his friends sometimes and comes in at 3.00 am and I've not to ask him where he's been. He has temper tantrums and throws things, shouts and swears. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells around him. My last two relationships were with violent partners and my mum used to physically and mentally abuse me when I was younger, I just can't take anymore hurt or badness.

I've always been there for him whenever he's had a problem or needed help, but when it's me that needs help, he's simply not interested, even when my dad died suddenly next to me, my partner wasn't supportive at all and accused me of having affairs when I was actually dying inside and arranging my dad's funeral.

I just don't know what his problem is, could be another affair or controlling me?, any help and advice greatly appreciated, thanks p.s. sorry for long winded post.

[Moontiger]

Why do you think so little of yourself?

 

You are being verbally and emotionally abused. More importantly you are teaching your child that this how men act. Think about that. Your daughter being treated the way you are being treated. Set a better example for her.

[peardrop]

I know, you're right - I often worry what example this is showing my daughter by putting up with this and how it will affect her in her own relationships. I have started seeing my counseller again to help me with anxiety, depression and ocd and we've spoke about why I value myself so little. Thinking about it, I think it stems from always being put down all my life. I have finally woken up to what he is doing and think a clean break is long overdue.

[NorthDallas40]

We're only getting your side of the story and I'm sure your depression/anxiety is affecting the relationship to some degree, but that aside, he sounds like an utter loser. And yes he's being verbally & psychologically abusive, no question.

 

If I were you, I'd tell him your concerns and suggest couples' therapy. If he refuses, I'd leave him. Your daughter - and you - deserve better than living in such a negative environment.

[Moontiger]

I know, you're right - I often worry what example this is showing my daughter by putting up with this and how it will affect her in her own relationships. I have finally woken up to what he is doing and think a clean break is long overdue.

 

Agreed. Make a game plan. Get all your important documents together, call a friend and one day when he is gone just get your stuff out of the house. Your daughter is being effected by this. Do what is best for her.

[peardrop]

I have been thinking about that, just going when he's at work and my daughter and I can start afresh and have a positive live, because I have always been a positive person, even though I suffer from depression/anxiety now, which I think is because he has worn me down so much. I always have seen the good in people/situations, maybe too much sometimes.

[DancingFool]

I know, you're right - I often worry what example this is showing my daughter by putting up with this and how it will affect her in her own relationships. I have started seeing my counseller again to help me with anxiety, depression and ocd and we've spoke about why I value myself so little. Thinking about it, I think it stems from always being put down all my life. I have finally woken up to what he is doing and think a clean break is long overdue.

 

Yes he is controlling and emotionally abusive. You certainly don't want your daughter growing up seeing that and thinking that this is how relationships go. Quietly gather up what you need and get out.

[savignon]

If you don't value yourself or your future enough, I pray you will find it in you to value your daughter and her future enough.

It's time to leave. She deserves better and her mommy sets the stage for that. You naturally deserve better as well ...when we don't believe we deserve it we can still know our children do.

[shelty24]

If/when you finally leave this man, you will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. He is toxic and yes you should pack up your stuff and leave with your child whilst he is at work.

 

You have suffered abuse all your life so unfortunately you have never learned what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. Certain men sense your vulnerability-they see doormat written all over you and they circle you like a shark until they have you right where they want you and your sense of self worth is so low-you do not know you are worth more than this.

 

I recommend you leave him the first chance you get. Don't think about it or allow yourself to talk you out of it. Just DO IT! Then stick with therapy. Stay away from men. Go and read, research, observe everything you can find on healthy, functional, trusting relationships and set your standards high. Also get involved in activities that boost your confidence-make new friends. Positive people that can bring positivity into your life.

 

Then you will be ready to find love.

 

Once you leave this man-you need to make sure he cannot get near you. He is controlling, abusive and a bully. He also has anger issues. He is gonna be pi**ed that you left so you need to protect yourself from him. Be prepared to get the police involved if necessary. He sounds dangerous if pushed too far. And whether you stay or go-that day will come no matter what so get out now and stay out

[FreedomRing]

Why can't you work?

[bluemoon]

Hi Peardrop

you mentioned your past relationships have been violent and your mother had been physically and emotionally abusive and your current relationship would also suggest that it's emotionally abusive from what you've written. There's a pattern there that can be linked back all the way to your childhood. The relationship with our parents in childhood is the one that probably shapes and affects us the most.

My mother sounds a lot like your husband, my dad left her when I was two because of her emotional distance and also she was giving him 'pocket money'

 

I would highly recommend getting the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It covers all forms of toxic parenting and explains how this can affect us still today in our relationships and with the choice of our relationships. It's divided into different chapters and can be read and picked up at any point. When I began reading it I would read maybe a few pages a week and then pick it up again when I felt I needed to know more. I went through it with a highlighter on any areas that affected me or at any points where I could relate- to begin becoming aware of this pattern I had internalised and made my own legacy. It was a really eye-opening book for me since I can't escape my mum (due to financial difficulties and having to battle through university) it has allowed me to take her behaviour with a pinch of salt.

 

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? How do you feel about being assertive of your own needs and feelings? Has this only recently started?

If he is minimizing you and irritable it could be that he is dealing with his own issues and is suffering from depression and is in denial about it. Sometimes people have already decided the person they are going to be and that is final, their mind is closed and they don't want help or don't believe anything is wrong with them as that would shatter any beliefs and provide great uncertainty which for some is not worth the pain or risk- even if it may things better. They have become too comfortable with who they are

 

If your husband can't listen to you and continues to put you down it is not a healthy relationship to be in, you deserve to be happy. Happiness is a choice, and when a choice that you made in your life (i.e to be with your husband and love him) continuously puts you down and makes you feel less than you are, then this choice no longer serves you and you need to opt for something more positive for the sake of your own well-being and aswel as your daughters.

 

Does she see your husband putting you down? I've always been hyper-aware of my parents relationship. It was never happy, and in turn I have internalised that good relationships don't exist and am now having a hard time with intimacy and connecting with other people. So if your daughter has witnessed any of this it's important for you to know that this also affects her and it is your job to make the best decision for you both.

 

Stay strong

[abitbroken]

I think you should not merely ask if he is abusive, but ask if you are codependent.

 

You basically took a guy that wasn't up to snuff and helped fix him up and mold him. In otherwords, you made him "need" you by fixing his problems and then had a guaranteed place as his girlfriend or wife or lover rather than just passing on this guy because you deserved better. He is abusive and you do not deserve that treatment, but you got yourself into this situation also. The only one that can fix you is you. Now, can you REALLY not work or has he convinced you that you cannot?

 

Is there a women's shelter around where you live, or at least one you can call to get information. there might be counseling resources and people to advise you - you can't just take off with your child to parts unknown and they can tell you the best route to take. Do you have family nearby?

[peardrop]

I don't really think why I can't work is any of your business. I never came on this forum to get interrogated about my health. t I thought this forum was named RELATIONSHIPS, not think you're a link removed, oh and savignon, btw, my Daughter has ALWAYS been my first and ONLY priority.

[mhowe]

How do you plan on starting fresh with no money?

[peardrop]

Why I can't work is absolutely none of your business. I never came on this forum to be interrogated about my health. I thought this site/forum was about RELATIONSHIPS, not think you're a link removed. Oh, and Savignon, btw, my Daughter has always been my first and ONLY priority. Don't bother replying because I won't be back on here in a hurry.

[abitbroken]

Why I can't work is absolutely none of your business. I never came on this forum to be interrogated about my health. I thought this site/forum was about RELATIONSHIPS, not think you're a link removed. Oh, and Savignon, btw, my Daughter has always been my first and ONLY priority. Don't bother replying because I won't be back on here in a hurry.

 

We are just trying to help you. It is important to know to give you advice on how to get out of this situation. We wanted to know whether you were not working because of a disability, lack of employment in your area or if your husband just does not let you. I understand needing to care for your daughter, but you can't just leave with no game plan to get out. You need some income. If that means your daughter is enrolled in after school activities or has a babysitter for a few hours every day when you would normally care for her, or that means that you need to seek medical assistance and properly get on disability coverage to have an income - whatever it is - you cannot just walk out the door with a dollar in your pocket unless family will take you in or you have a job.

 

The best way to leave an abusive relationship is over several months to plan - get copies of your important papers and leave them in a safe place with a friend, safe deposit box or somewhere like your purse if your guy doesn't look there. Then practice - leave the house at a certain time every day or every few days so neighbors become accustomed to you leaving and coming back and one day don't come back. but find a way to sock a little money away before you do - that is why you need a job - if you make crafts, sell those, or a part time job while your daughter is in school and hide some of the money so you can leave.

 

 

if you have relatives that will help, that is good, but I am talking of options if you do not have anyone to help you.